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THREE FAIR ^ 
PHILANTHROPISTS 


BY 

ALICE M. MUZZY 

M 


“They belong to that class of wise philanthropists 
who, in a time of famine, would vote for nothing but 
a supply of toothpicks.” douglass jerrold. 



Bbbcy press 


PUBLISHERS 

114 

FIFTH AVENUE 

NEW YORK 


Condon 


montreal 



THE LIBRARY OF 
CONGRESS, 

Two Copies Received 

APR. 1 1Q01 

Copyright entry 

(XfLx . ^ 

CLASS ^XXc. N». 

(sZL<A 

COPY 8. 


'V^ 


^'‘rK 




Copyright, 1901, 
by 

THE 

Hbbcy press 


CONTENTS 


CHAPTER I. 

An Introduction to the Three Fair Philanthropists and Their 
-Assistants 9 

CHAPTER II. 

Treats of Fire and Flood : 16 

CHAPTER III. 

Agnes Dearborn 28 

CHAPTER IV. 

Models of Account Keeping and Parliamentary Usage 37 

CHAPTER V. y 

Carpenters May Come and Carpenters May Go but Our Story 
Goes On (Let Us Hope Not Quite) Forever 51 

CHAPTER VI. 

Ex-Congressman K. Roundout Grout’s Early Life 68 

CHAPTER VII. 

Agnes Dearborn Loses a Position, but Finds a Lover 74 

CHAPTER VIII. 

The Three F. P.’s Define Their Peculiar Methods 89 

CHAPTER IX. 

Philanthrophy in Other Fields 103 

CHAPTER X. 

Mrs. Thatcher Appears Inopportunely 114 

CHAPTER XI. 

Mrs. Mettle Reveals the Skeleton in Her Closet 120 

CHAPTER XH. 

Miss Denny Grapples with the Problem 128 


vi Contents 

CHAPTER XIII. ,ACB 

Currents and Counter-Currents 135 

CHAPTER XIV. 

A Picture of the Islip Household 146 

CHAPTER XV. 

Reverend Mortimer Augustus Dunraven 159 

CHAPTER XVI. 

Miss Hopper’s Dissatisfaction 170 

CHAPTER XVII. 

Mrs. Winn’s Efforts at Propitiating Her 181 

CHAPTER XVHI. 

A Sudden Change of Plans 189 

CHAPTER XIX. 

Mrs. Winn’s Nephew 198 

CHAPTER XX. 

Mrs. Islip’s Investigation Has an Unhappy Termination 202 

CHAPTER XXI. 

Peculiarities of the Volunteer Worker 220 

CHAPTER XXII. 

Mr. Elijah Bowman Dismisses the Volunteer Worker 237 

CHAPTER XXIII. 

Subjects that Interest Young Lady Managers 245 

CHAPTER XXIV. 

A Rare Lecture 256 

CHAPTER XXV. 

Describes a Party and a Proposal 270 

CHAPTER XXVI. 

Professor Poggenbeek, from the “Nort-Vest” 286 

CHAPTER XXVII. 

The Discomforts of a Secret Engagement 293 


Contents vii 

CHAPTER XXVIII. - p^gb 

The Cloister Reception 300 

CHAPTER XXIX. 

Contrasting Scenes 316 

CHAPTER XXX. 

Professor Poggenbeek Again 326 

CHAPTER XXXI. 

Mr. Grout Condescends to Attend Court 332 

CHAPTER XXXII. 

A Deed of Darkness 345 

CHAPTER XXXm. 

After the Kidnappers and in the Court Room 354 

CHAPTER XXXrV. 

An Inopportune Explosion of Temper. 363 

CHAPTER XXXV. 

The Lawyer and the Clergyman at Variance 374 

CHAPTER XXXVI. 

The Lost One Found 384 

CHAPTER XXXVn. 

Farewell to All 391 



THREE FAIR PHILANTHROPISTS 


CHAPTER I. 

AN INTRODUCTION TO THE THREE FAIR PHILANTHROPISTS 
AND THEIR ASSISTANTS. 

In the fall of the year 18 — I, Louise Marchmount 
Winn, found myself with occupation gone and the neces- 
sity laid upon me of seeking some new employment. Pri- 
vate schools were the fields from which I had been reap- 
ing a modest competence, but the school with which I 
was connected having been broken up by the death of 
its principal I determined to try the cultivation of other 
soil. It does not seem possible to me now, sitting in the 
beautiful home which the generosity of my nephew has 
caused him to share with me, that so short a time ago I 
was fighting my way in life alone, occupying cold, cheer- 
less hall-bedrooms in cheap lodging-houses. 

Still, such is the fact. And what tended to make the 
hall-bedrooms all the more unattractive was the luxury 
that had surrounded my childhood, youth and early mar- 
ried life. But business failures, the sickness and death 
of father, husband and children resulted in leaving me 
penniless and alone in the great city of New York. 

My story deals with the last year of my struggles after 
these sad events. 


10 Three Fair Philanthropists 

God spared to me only one relative, a nephew. He 
was my husband’s sister’s child, and was named for my 
husband, Henry Winn Gifford. 

How I loved that boy! And he repaid my affection 
by never giving me a moment’s uneasiness all the hard, 
struggling years he lived with me ; for his parents had died 
when he was very young, and he never knew a mother’s 
love, except mine. 

When I went to teach in the school I have already 
mentioned he started for California under the care of a 
business acquaintance of his father’s, who promised to 
look after the boy and do well for him. It was a great 
trial to be so far away from him, but as nothing as ad- 
vantageous offered in the city I felt that I must let 
him go. 

^^Auntie, when I make some money I shall come for 
you and you shall always live with me,” were his parting 
words. I heard from him regularly once in two weeks, 
while I wrote him every week. I would have written 
him every day had my duties allowed, I missed him so. 
But perhaps it was better that I should not. He always 
replied cheerfully, but he gave me no clew whereby I 
could judge how he was progressing financially. When 
I wrote him of the change in my plans he replied by 
asking me if I would not like to come out to him. I 
thought that it would be difficult for me to get congenial 
teaching or employment in a strange city. To this view 
of the case he said: 

'^Well, if you can be happy a little while longer per- 
haps it would be best to stay where you are, but do not 
make any engagement for over a year.” 

Hot a word as to his prospects. I felt quite vexed 
at him. No one wants to ask another point blank about 
his private affairs. I was not at all reassured by thQ 


An Introduction 


II 


size of the check he sent me, for I knew he was so gen- 
erous that he would pinch himself for my sake. 

There was nothing to do but to wait the natural un- 
folding of events, and I set myself about the task of 
finding something to do. 

I had spent several weeks in a vain search when the 
following advertisement in a daily paper attracted my 
attention : 

WANTED — A lady of high moral character — one 
interested in schemes of benevolence preferred—to 
act as matron in a new enterprise. The best of refer- 
ences required. No. — Fifth Ave.” 

I was certainly interested in schemes of benevolence, 
although for several years past I had not been able to 
engage in any. But I came from a family which had 
been of a philanthropic turn of mind and had had the 
wealth to gratify such inclinations. 

How delightful it would be to feel that, while I was 
maintaining my own existence, I would also be aiding, 
no doubt, in a grand work for the benefit of humanity. 

I pictured to myself the ladies at the head of this 
enterprise. They were undoubtedly of that serene mid- 
dle-life when one ceases to care for .the rush and whirl 
of fashion, and their aims would be the good of others 
instead of personal aggrandizement. The broadening, 
ennobling effect of such views would make their society 
delightful, I doubted not, and I determined to be the 
first applicant at the Fifth avenue residence indicated 
in the advertisement. 

Imagine, therefore, my surprise on reaching my destina- 
tion to be ushered into the presence of three fashionably 
dressed young ladies. 

^^You have come in answer to our advertisement?^’ 
they asked in concert. 


12 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


I replied that I had, whereupon they began, all together, 
to tell the object for which I would be required. They 
went on till they were out of breath, and then they stopped 
and inquired if I understood. 

^^Not in the least; how could I?” 

^^See here, Annie Hopper, now you and Grace Denny 
can just stop your talking till I make this woman under- 
stand what we want of her.” 

“I would like to know why you should tell her any 
more than Grace or me, Kay Mettle?” angrily asked 
Annie Hopper. 

^^Well, I guess I am the president of this undertak- 
ing.” 

^That does not happen to be the president's duty. It 
is the secretary’s.” 

should think it ought to be the treasurer’s,” lisped 
Grace Denny. 

‘T will assume it is the president’s to-day,” replied 
the young lady called Ray Mettle, and a look into her 
cold, hard, grey eye made it seem discouraging to op- 
pose her. 

“Then you may assume to make yourself secretary at 
the same time,” cried Miss Hopper, throwing down her 
books and pencils on the table and starting to leave the 
room. “You ought to let her be treasurer, too, Grace,” 
she continued, trying to boycott her friend. 

“Grace is not so unreasonable. She wants to be treas- 
urer, and I can send over for Lou Morton to be secretary. 
You know she is very anxious for the position.” 

“She shan’t have it while Tm alive,” replied Miss 
Hopper, returning and picking up her books and papers, 
at the same time applying to her wounded spirit the 
balm of interrupting and contradicting Miss Mettle 
whenever an opportunity offered. 


An Introduction 


13 


are going to have a Working Girls’ Club/’ said 
Miss Mettle. ^‘It will be the best in the city. We are 
going to have fine rooms, beautifully furnished, in the 
best possible location, and the girls will be taught all 
that it is necessary for them to know in their station in 
life ; and, what is more important, they will be instructed 
in the proper deportment due to their superiors. That 
is the trouble with the entire wage-earning class. They 
have not clear views on the question as to who their 
superiors are. Now, we intend to enlighten them on this 
point, so that we need not in the future suffer annoyance 
by their supercilious airs — passing the time of day with 
you when they are nothing but clerks behind the counter 
and ought to be deferential, or staring at you to catch 
up any new style of bonnet that may have been imported 
from Paris at great expense and trouble, and appearing 
with it the next day in such numbers as to make people 
think you have copied from them, instead of the reverse. 
They will be taught the proper way of taking samples, 
and they will not snatch them as though they were birds 
of prey and the sample a tempting morsel, as is the case 
now. You will see if there is not a great revolution in 
the conduct of those girls. People say they have such 
manners because they are ignorant. Now, we propose 
to teach them. And another thing, we do not intend to 
have any other society of working girls get ahead of us 
in any respect. We shall be the largest. We shall spend 
the most money. Probably we shall have to turn away 
applicants by the score, for we have only room for two 
hundred. And then I guess we shall see what Miss 
Eleanor Christy will think, with her miserable club down 
in the lower part of the city,” etc., etc. 

I was not interested in Miss Mettle’s vituperative re- 


14 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


marks regarding the rival club, so as soon as possible I 
interrupted her with the question: 

*^And my duties will be?’’ 

'^You will have nothing to do, scarcely,” replied Miss 
Mettle. 

‘Then I don’t see the need of having her,” whispered 
Miss Hopper. 

“Be still, will you, Annie Hopper!” exclaimed Miss 
Denny. “Don’t you understand, it’s the style to have 
matrons, femmes de charge, or thing-a-hobs of that de- 
scription.” 

“We shall give you your room and salary,” exclaimed 
Miss Mettle, magnanimously waving her hand in the di- 
rection of an adjoining minute apartment, “and your 
duties will be to maintain the honor and dignity of the 
place.” 

Miss Denny hid her face and audibly snickered at this, 
saying something about my short stature and the diffi- 
culty of inspiring dignity with a dumpling. 

“Then I suppose you have another person engaged 
to do your visiting and investigating of cases when there 
are calls for aid,” I replied as pleasantly as I could, for 
my dreams of enjoying the broadening, ennobling com- 
panionship of my philanthropic employers were being 
rudely dealt with. 

“Visiting; of course, not! We have no one engaged 
for visiting. That will be your diversion. Everybody 
has to have some pleasant pastime or other.” 

I was not engaged at the first interview, nor the sec- 
ond. Neither was my salary, which in the first place 
was a small sum, allowed to remain at that figure, but 
it was cut down until I did not know but what finally 
they would claim a bonus for allowing me the privilege 
of filling the position. I discovered afterward the 


An Introduction 


15 


various interviews were taken in order to allow them 
the opportunity of selecting a more imposing-looking 
personage, but being disappointed in their endeavors 
they finally settled on plain, short-sighted, dumpy little 
me. 


16 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


CHAPTER 11. 

TREATS OF FIRE AND FLOOD. 

The day selected for the formal opening of the en- 
terprise in which I now found myself embarked occurred 
early in October. The morning of that day Miss Denny 
brought in a band-box and asked me if I would mind 
wearing a cap and white ^kerchief in which to receive 
the guests. 

I replied hesitatingly that I would if they wished it, 
though I greatly preferred not to do so. 

I found afterward that it was a foolish concession to 
make, for it was followed by a request to stand in the 
ante-room and help the ladies take off their wraps. If 
anybody had made such a request of me when I was 
younger, I fear they would not have had such a peaceful 
time of it as these ladies did. But I was old enough to 
look at the matter in a philosophical light. I quelled 
my rising resentment by the thought that better people 
than I could ever hope to be had been called to fill 
positions mortifying to their pride. Had not the blessed 
Master, when He girded Himself with a towel and washed 
His disciples’ feet, given us a glorious example of the 
beauty of true humility in service? I tell you that 
thought lifted the discontent from my heart very quick- 
ly and I tried to be as faithful in looking after the wraps 
and as careful of laces and ruffles as though I had been 
bom and bred a lady’s maid. 

There was a large crowd of gay fashionables present. 


Treats of Fire and Flood 


17 


It was too early in the fall for ^^the season’^ to have com- 
menced, though it was late enough for large numbers 
to have returned from the country. 

Miss Mettle, Miss Hopper and Miss Denny were re- 
splendent in satin and lace dresses of different hues, 
cut in the extreme of fashion. I could see from the 
scowls that appeared ever and anon upon their foreheads 
and the glances of lightning-like displeasure they cast 
at each other that they were maintaining their usual 
amiable interchange of thought upon such subjects as 
who should first shake hands with the guests, how long 
each one should be detained, etc. 

The guests offered their congratulations in various 
forms. 

Mrs. McDuffy, a portly dame, rather given to look 
askance at any movement not originated by herself, said : 

congratulate you, young ladies, on the work you 
are about beginning. I suppose you wanted to be in the 
fashion. My daughters have been teasing me to let 
them organize a club, but I have said I thought there 
were too many already.^^ 

A Mrs. Evanston, the most exquisitely featured per- 
son in the assembly, said: 

^^Young ladies, I think you are deserving of the great- 
est honor and praise. The mere thought of the lower 
classes sends the cold chills all over me. If I were not 
so sensitive to odors and my health were not so exceed- 
ingly delicate, I should gladly put my name down in that 
list you are making out for helpers to come evenings and 
assist in your work. But I see you have a large num- 
ber of names and do not need mine.” 

Mrs. Evanston had just finished this speech when she 
turned round and the sight that greeted her eyes made 
her utter an exquisitely modulated note of surprise, for 


18 Three Fair Philanthropists 

what did she see but some of the dreaded lower classes 
approaching. 

Miss Mettle’s notices and advertisements had stated 
that the club would be opened on this evening, and, 
though she had not expected them, quite a company of 
girls had arrived. 

Mrs. Evanston gasped and put her exquisite lace hand- 
kerchief to her nose. 

^^Oh,” she said faintly, “if I had thought I should 
have been subjected to such an ordeal as this, I should 
have brought my bottle of stronger salts.” She sank 
into a chair and asked some one to fan her. 

It may not have struck other persons present, but I 
noticed that the lady’s exquisite complexion lost none 
of its apparent freshness by the depressed state of her 
feelings. 

“There, Anna, I told you so,” Mrs. McDuffy said, 
pulling the sleeve of one of the daughters who wanted 
a club. “I told you that you would have to deal with 
the most presumptuous creatures that ever lived, and 
now you see for yourself that I am right.” 

A dude with flashing eye and bated breath ejacu- 
lated : 

“You don’t mean to tell me that they are going to 
sit in the same room with us! By Jove! but that is 
enough to make a man feel like fighting.” 

A wheezy old philosopher wiped the perspiration from 
his forehead as he sighed: 

“Oh, the problems of the age! How they increase 
in number and in difiiculty!” 

I could not think why one or the other of the hostesses 
did not go to this group of newcomers, but when I looked 
to see what was the trouble I discovered that each was 
sure it was the other’s duty and not her own. 


Treats of Fire and Flood 


19 


Finally Miss Mettle motioned to me to go, and I did 
so. I welcomed the girls warmly, for I was sincerely 
glad to see them. I proceeded to seat them on camp- 
stools when Miss Mettle came up to me and said, fiercely : 

‘^Winn! WinnT^ (She had said she would take that 
liberty with my name for the evening — a la Anglaise, I 
suppose.) ^^Did you not know that these young women 
ought to be seated in the hall?’’ 

^^No,” I returned calmly, did not, for I knew they 
would not have stayed in the hall, but have gone home. 
If you wish to dismiss them after having invited them 
you can do so.” 

I presume Miss Mettle was surprised to hear such a 
decided remark from one who had up to this point showed 
such a yielding disposition; but fear lest the girls should 
be sent home and the club become a failure by such 
unwise treatment in the beginning, made me deem it ex- 
pedient to speak with decision. 

The speech had the desired effect. Miss Mettle took 
her place and the literary exercises of the evening began. 

The principal address was made by a member of Con- 
gress — a stout, bald-headed, pompous gentleman — a 
widower, as I learned afterward, who was laying seige 
to Miss Mettle’s heart. He had a deep, bass voice, much 
too loud for the room, and when he sternly asked at the 
opening of his peroration: ^^ho of us does not feel 
thrilled at the momentous significance of the present 
occasion?” no one, unless stone deaf, could have denied 
being thrilled, at least in the region of the ears. 

Isaak Walton gives to fishermen three rules whicE 
might be followed with great advantage by public speak- 
ers. They are : ^Tirst, hide yourself ; second, hide your- 
self some more; third, keep hiding yourself.” 

If Mr. K. Eoundout Groups next meal had depended 


20 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


on his observance of these rules there is great reason 
to believe that a very slender repast would have been 
the result. Before he had reached his third sentence he 
was referring to what he tried to do before he went to 
Congress, and after that it was ^Ve Congressmen’^ and 
as chairman of one of the most important commit- 
tees in the House,” which he afterward referred to as 
the committee on deciding the color of the badges to be 
worn on a certain occasion. Of course, next to his own 
praises he sang those of ^^the illustrious president of 
the eminently wise and beneficent philanthropic under- 
taking, whose birthday we celebrate.” 

Miss Ray Mettle’s cold, hard face relaxed into some- 
thing as near like radiance as such a face can ever dis- 
pl'ay, and when she looked around and saw the scowl 
on Miss Annie Hopper’s countenance, her pleasurable emo- 
tions seemed to be increased. Whether her joy caused her 
hand to be unsteady, or whether she jarred her arm against 
the table and dropped a piece of the lighted taper used by 
the secretary for her sealing wax will never be known. But 
what every one in that assembly would be willing to testify 
in court was that Miss Mettle jumped up suddenly, scream- 
ing, ^Tire! fire!” while a cloud of smoke arose from the 
drapery of her long-trained dress. 

For a company of people, with such intimate and ex- 
tensive knowledge of etiquette, whose cheeks would all 
have blushed with shame if they could not have answered 
any question, no matter how trivial, in regard to the cor- 
rect way of folding their notepaper or the size of their 
cards, it was astonishing to see how completely they ig- 
nored all the rules of polite society at this juncture of 
affairs. Mr. K. Roundout Grout, whom a short time pre- 
vious you would not have thought any consideration could 
have forced to have stepped before a lady, now deliberately 


Treats of Fire and Flood 


21 


and with great expedition stepped in front of several 
(without offering his arm to any, by the way) and dashed 
off downstairs. He was closely followed by the dude 
whose warlike spirit had doubtless reached that stage 
of elevated sentiment that made him feel, in order to 
fight another day, he must haste and run away. And 
right here it might be well to add, by way of caution, if 
that fellow could fight as well as he showed himself able to 
run, he would be a dangerous adversary. 

But they were the last to be able to run out of the room ; 
for two ladies, Mrs. McDuffy and her friend, Mrs. Bunce, 
both ladies of generous dimensions, being in too much haste 
to allow each other the right of way, endeavored to pass 
through the door together. The result was a complete 
blockade. 

How the diamonds rattled round the necks of these two 
unfortunates as they vainly struggled to free themselves. 

The excitement in the room rose higher. Everybody 
cleared the space before Miss Mettle, who fiew down the 
room crying, ‘^Blow me out V’ Miss Denny crawled down 
behind a sofa and Miss Hopper climbed on a chair and 
commenced jumping up and down, wringing her hands 
in fright. As Miss Mettle reached the small band of 
the lower classes, one of them, a tall, delicate-looking girl, 
picked up a rug and threw it upon the burning train, and 
if Miss Mettle had remained still a minute the fiames 
would have been out. But, as so many do in similar cir- 
cumstances, she ran to get away from the fire, thus 
fanning it into fresh life. The courageous girl followed 
Miss Mettle with another rug, begging her to stand still. 
I felt this was no time for ceremony and that all our lives 
were endangered if the fire were not speedily extinguished. 
I therefore stepped in front of Miss Mettle and converted 
myself into a period by throwing my arms around her 


22 


Three Fair Philanthropists 

waist and dropping full weight in front of her. There 
was no other way but for her to come to a full stop. In 
a few moments by the aid of the rugs the fire was com- 
pletely extinguished. 

^^Winn/^ said the recently flaming lady, ^under ordinary 
circumstances I should not care to have you take such 
liberties with me.’^ 

She was shaking out her gown, which was entirely minus 
a train, and trying to resume her old bearing. I held up 
my burnt hafids and replied: 

think I am sufficiently punished for any familiarity 
I have taken.^^ 

^^Don’t make such a fuss over a little burn,” returned 
Miss Mettle unsympathetically. 

do not think I ought to complain,” I returned, 
^Vhen this poor girl is so much worse off.” 

My attention had been drawn to the girl who had also 
fought the fire. Her dress sleeves were both entirely con- 
sumed, revealing a pair of shapely arms disfigured with 
burns. Miss Mettle looked and even her hard heart 
seemed touched. 

^^We must have a doctor look at your arms,” she said 
to the girl. ^^What’s the matter at the door?” she con- 
tinued, not having previously noticed the sad state of the 
two ladies. ^^Mrs. McDuffy, will you please be so kind 
as to step along.” 

^There is nothing I would like to do better than to 
step along,” returned Mrs. McDuffy. ^^But, oh dear! I 
am afraid, now, Mrs. Bunce and I shall never get away 
from here!” and the poor lady commenced to cry. 

^^DonT cry,” I said, ^There are some men out there in the 
hall. They will surely be able to help you out.” 

'^Oh, no,” replied the men referred to, 'Ve have no kid 
gloves on. We offered to help them but they were so 


Treats of Fire and Flood 23 

afraid we should touch them^ that now they may help 
themselves/^ 

^^Where is the orator of the day, the grandiloquent 
champion of woman I asked. 

^^Coward; chicken-hearted man; don’t mention his 
name to me,” said Miss Mettle. ^^After all his professions 
see how fast he ran when I was on fire.” 

Just then the deep tones of the big-chested orator were 
heard at the foot of the stairs asking about the fire. 
When he learned that the danger had passed he gingerly 
ascended the stairs, all the time looking carefully about 
him. 

^^Ah, my dear Miss Mettle !” he exclaimed as he caught 
sight of that lady’s tall form, have been using all my 
energies to serve you. I have been after the fire depart- 
ment.” 

^^We have no need of it,” returned Miss Mettle haughtily. 

^^No need of the fire department for a fire?” returned 
K. Koundout Grout, assuming an injured air. 

^^But there is no fire,” returned Miss Mettle. 

At that instant crash went a pane of glass and in 
rushed a stream of water with great force against the 
opposite wall. Here was a new element of danger. We 
had escaped the fire and now came the fiood. 

Out darted Miss Denny from beneath the sofa, and Mrs. 
Evanston, who had fallen in a faint right in the track 
of the stream, revived very speedily at the first dash of the 
water in her face. The fire department had arrived sure 
enough, and soon the occupants of the hall had lively 
work to dodge the three big streams of water, turned in 
to extinguish a fire which had been out some time. 

^^Go, and stop them quick, quick!” cried Miss Mettle. 
^^Oh, look at the walls and window hangings ! Euined com- 
pletely 1” 


24 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


^This comes of your getting yourself on fire retorted 
Miss Hopper. ^‘1 never saw anybody who could upset 
things as you do.” 

There was one benefit arising from the inflow of the 
water. Mrs. McDuffy and Mrs. Bunce were enabled to 
give such a violent jerk that they released themselves from 
their very trying position. 

Mrs. Evanston caught sight of the ruin wrought by the 
water on her complexion and she was so distracted that she 
ran all the way home, though her carriage was waiting 
just round the comer to be called. 

The room was soon cleared and the doctor on hand to 
attend to the burned arms. I had felt myself irresistibly 
drawn toward the girl who had shown such good sense and 
pluck. 

I think I mentioned before that I was near sighted. 
It is owing to that fact that I did not discover how ex- 
ceedingly pretty she was, for until I heard her utter a 
half-stifled groan I did not come near enough to have a 
good look at her. But when I asked, ^‘^Do your arms 
hurt you?” she turned on me a pair of hazel eyes so large 
and tender that my own were filled with sympathetic tears. 
We were firm friends from that moment. 

^^And you were burned too?” she asked. 

^^Only a little,” I replied. 

How gently the doctor applied his bandages! but in 
spite of his care, his patient fainted twice. 

My heart was deeply stirred by the sight. I felt that 
here was some one whose lot in life was similar to my own. 
It roused all the mother instincts of my soul. I be- 
grudged others the privilege of waiting on her. The doc- 
tor caught sight of my hands as I was holding a cup of 
water for her to drink and he insisted on binding them up. 

The young ladies, followed by K. Eoundout Grout and 


Treats of Fire and Flood 


25 


the dude, spent most of the time the doctor was attending 
to our wounds in going around the room estimating the 
losses resulting from the fire and fiood. 

At the conclusion of the operations the doctor, whose 
quick preceptions had been his only guide, turned to Miss 
Mettle and asked: 

believe your father is of the firm Mettle, Shaw & 
Co., No. — Broadway?” and he proceeded to make a 
memorandum. 

‘‘Yes, but what has that to do with you?” asked Miss 
Mettle sharply. “I told you to bring a dispensary phy- 
sician,” turning to the dude. 

“Well, madam, supposing he had brought a dispensary 
physician (which I am not) do you think they are paid 
to attend people in your circumstances?” 

He looked around at the luxurious room. 

“But you were not called here to attend to me/' replied 
Miss Mettle scornfully. 

How thankful I was for the check in my pocket! I 
pulled it out and said: 

“You were called here for this poor girl and myself 
and I am glad that I can settle with you.” 

“Madam,” he said, looking reproachfully at me, “do 
you think so contemptibly of me as to suppose for an in- 
stant that I would take anything from you ? But I should 
like to have Miss Mettle inform me how you and this 
young lady came by your burns? I don’t see any scars 
on these two young gentlemen. It is singular, is it not ?” 

Mr. K. Koundout Grout and the dude looked very 
foolish. But the former, who had been gazing fixedly, in 
a way my inmost soul abhorred, at the beautiful girl, 
pulled out his purse and offered to settle the account. 

“Excuse me, sir,” said I, firmly, “that is something which 
does not fall to your share. I am sure the doctor will see 


26 Three Fair Philanthropists 

the impropriety of receiTing his fee from any one but Miss 
Mettle or myself.” 

'^Certainly, madam/^ he replied. “1 have Mr. Mettle's 
business address and that is suflBcient. I bid you all a 
very good evening.” 

‘^That's just the way,” snapped Miss Mettle; ^‘if one 
gets a reputation for benevolence people expect one to do 
everything for everybody. Here are these rooms to be 
gone over again after all they cost in the first place. More 
than half the bills., for the first furnishing are not paid, I 
presume. How do our affairs stand, treasurer?” turning 
to Grace Denny. 

That young lady was interested in a lively conversation 
with the dude and did not care to be interrupted, so she 
replied carelessly: 

^‘1 am sure I don't know.” 

^^There is her book over there,” said Miss Hopper, ^let us 
Icok for ourselves.” 

^^He would have to be a very astute person who could 
derive any information from these pages,” cried K. 
Eoundout Grout, turning hot and red from his attempt 
to eliminate the useless from the valuable. 

^^Ho dates!” cried Miss Hopper; ‘^the receipts and ex- 
penditures are all mixed up on the same page and both 
added together at the bottom. She's put down the dollar 
and a half that I lent her, and has omitted to give me 
credit for the one hundred dollars I gave to the club !” 

The laughter that greeted this statement caused Miss 
Denny to look over at the party who were seeking light 
but finding none. 

^^How dare you examine my books and papers without 
permission?” she asked angrily. 

^^These are not private. We have more occasion to ask 
how dare you keep such careless accounts?” 


Treats of Fire and Flood 


27 


The dude, on whom it seems necessary at this junc- 
ture of affairs to define by a more distinctive appellation 
(as it remains an incontrovertible, however deplorable, 
fact that there are numerous copies in the edition of the 
peculiar work to which he belongs), we will hereafter 
know by the name of Kipp Grassey. 

‘^Say, I want to know, now, if this is the way you thank 
any one for working for you?’^ he asked, all the time 
smoothing and pulling out his nether lip which made 
very poor returns for his labor. ‘Tf I was Miss Denny 
I would not keep any more accounts for you.’^ 

^^Well, we do not want any more kept like these,’^ 
said Miss Hopper. 

''And if you feel so badly about it, why not offer to 
keep them for her?’^ laughed Miss Mettle. 

"Why, of course,” broke in Mr. Grout; "Mr. Grassey 
looks as though he was longing to.” 

This was a neat sarcasm, for the dude, from his lofty 
collar to his patent leathers, showed a decided apprehen- 
siveness, though he said, hesitatingly, "Oh! certainly, 
certainly.” 

"Well, then, with such an assistant, we will try you 
another month,” said Miss Mettle, whose word was law. 


28 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


CHAPTER III. 

AGNES DEARBORN. 

I SPENT a restless, uncomfortable night after the ex- 
citements incident to the fire and flood. My hands 
troubled me by their itching and smarting, and I could 
not keep from asking myself if the wounds I had re- 
ceived were so painful what must that young girl suffer 
who had been burned so much more deeply than myself, 
and what would become of her if she could not resume 
her work on the morrow? 

In reply to my remark that she would probably have 
to be idle for a week she had given me a quick look and 
said: 

^^No, I cannot afford it for a day.” 

It was all in vain that I called myself '^Dame Med- 
dlesome” and '^Mother Fuss” for being interested in the 
fate of one whom I had seen so short a time before 
and about whom I knew so little. I knew enough, I 
argued with myself, to understand that she was some- 
body who needed help, and that she was worthy of such 
aid she abundantly proved by her generous and coura- 
geous efforts to assist others, the evening before. 

How I wondered what she was doing! And what her 
past life had been, and what were her surroundings at 
present. However rough and coarse they might be they 
had left none of their impress on her. 

I had taken the precaution to ask her address and in 
the morning, after I had attended to the duties of my 


Agnes Dearborn 


29 


position, I went to see in what condition I should find 
her. The number I sought was very far west on the 
street below where the club rooms were situated. 

Arrived at my destination I found a very cheap lodg- 
ing-house, a little cleaner than the generality, and, ask- 
ing for Miss Agnes Dearborn, I was told to go to the 
back room in the attic. 

I felt some timidity while climbing the stairs. I 
thought Agnes would pardon any seeming officiousness 
on account of my desire to learn of her state, but her fam- 
ily might feel that I was overstepping the bounds of 
propriety. I knocked, therefore, somewhat gently, but 
receiving no answer I repeated the action and heard a 
man’s voice in trembling tones say, ^^Come in.” I opened 
the door and found myself in the presence of an old man. 
His large, handsome head was well covered with beau- 
tiful white hair, and his frame, naturally intended to be 
a vigorous one, was shrunken and wasted with disease. 
On hearing my errand he courteously arose and gave me 
his hand: 

‘^You are very kind to take this trouble for my poor 
daughter. She ought not to have gone out this morning. 
She did not sleep at all last night. But, as you may 
imagine, one pair of hands cannot lie idle very long 
when the expenses of sickness have to be met. I was sorry 
she encountered such an accident, for it was particularly 
at my request that she attended the club last evening. I 
am not young, as you see, and I wanted to feel that when 
I am gone she would be connected with some sort of or- 
ganization where her interests would be looked after. 
The future does not hold out bright prospects for my 
poor child,” he continued, tremulously, wiping away a 
tear. 

^Tt may seem dark for this life, but if we have put 


30 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


ourselves into God^s keeping our real and eternal future 
cannot fail to be bright with heaven’s glory.” 

^^There is precious comfort in that thought,” Mr. Dear- 
born replied; but further remark in that vein was inter- 
rupted by our hearing a feeble faltering step approach the 
door and an attempt to turn the knob. 

When at length the door opened, Agnes stood there, 
her face like a ghost’s. I advanced quickly and threw 
my arm around her, saying: 

‘Toor dear child, lean on me!” The minute she felt 
the support she gave way and sank on my shoulder un- 
conscious. 

How like death she looked as we laid her tenderly on 
the sofa, her beautiful features pinched and tense with 
the pain she had been suffering! 

^'Agnes, darling,” cried her father, pitifuly, as the 
faint continued, ^^you surely have not gone before your 
poor old father ? Speak to me, my child !” and he rubbed 
her hands excitedly, while the tears rolled down his 
cheeks. 

There are some scenes through which we pass that 
stamp themselves indelibly on our minds and this was 
one. I never shall forget the shabby, comfortless room 
and the motionless form of the young and beautiful 
girl, wept over by the aged man whose last support and 
earthly tie lay broken before him. 

But at length the large hazel eyes slowly opened and 
in a dazed way, Agnes asked: 

^^Where am I? How did I get back from the store? 
And how good of you, dear Mrs. Winn, to stay till I 
came to myself !” and, recovering still more and noticing 
the tears on her father’s face, ^^What a shame for me to 
frighten you so !” 

She tried to put her arms around his neck but the 


Agnes Dearborn 


31 


pain and stiffness were too great, so she contented herself 
with patting his cheek. 

‘‘Well, now I mnst leave you,’^ I said, after I had seen 
her enough better to sit up. “I am going to send the 
doctor to you and you are to follow out his prescriptions 
to the very letter. I will send or bring the needful funds 
for your expenses during the week, for Miss Mettle will 
wish to do the fair thing.^^ 

I said this with a little more assurance than I really 
felt ; but I thought of my check, still unbroken, and I knew 
if she failed in her duty I could supply the deficiency. 

I had several matters of pressing importance to talk 
over with Miss Mettle, so I determined to go directly to 
her home — a large, showy house on Fifth avenue, near the 
Park. The contrast between this place and the miserable 
little rooms I had just left was too striking to be enjoy- 
able. 

Miss Mettle’s mother came in to see me before her 
daughter. She was a short, plump lady with bright, 
black eyes and iron-grey hair, which she wore in a high 
pompadour on the top of her head. Her dress was youth- 
ful and her manners the vivacious and sprightly out- 
growth of a mind which scorned the idea of age. 

I winced a little under the marked spirit of condescen- 
sion with which she received me, but I was trying to ac- 
custom myself to all kinds of treatment so that I might 
have no feeling on the subject. 

“My daughter has started a formidable undertaking,” 
she remarked, after graciously waving me to a seat. “I 
cannot quite understand what she means to do or how she 
means to do it. ‘Elevating the masses’ is a very nice 
sounding phrase, but there is a vagueness about it which 
discourages me. Still, my daughter is very smart and 
if anybody can elevate the masses she can. She has her 


32 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


father’s gift for business push and means to do the thing 
up handsomely. That’s the best way. Don’t let any get 
ahead of you if you can help it. There is no one that 
wdll try it except a Miss Christie, of whom my daughter 
has doubtless spoken to you. But she will find her hands 
full, I rather think.” 

After my vivacious, lively friend had talked herself 
out of breath, feeling that I would like to ascertain her 
opinion of the occurrences of the previous evening, I in- 
quired : 

‘^Does your daughter feel any ill effects from her 
fright ?” 

“Not a bit,” she replied. “Kay is so well and strong that 
nothing ever seems to affect her. But tell me how did it 
all happen? Were you where you could see the very first 
of it? How did Ray look when she was on fire? And 
did dear Mr. Grout do all he could for her? Oh, such 
a nice man as he is — member of Congress — ^leader in so- 
ciety — ^lots of money and first wife died one year ago — 
a terrible blow, but he is rallying from it. How fond he 
is of Ray ! It draws tears from my eyes to see them to- 
gether, and I think it my duty to bring them together 
just as much as I can.” 

It was some time becoming exhausted (the breath I 
refer to) but at last my chance came and I gave all the 
incidents of the night before, making the scene as graphic 
as possible. I did not enlarge on the expedition with 
which the “dear Mr. Grout” darted from the room on the 
first cry of alarm, but I mentioned it in an emphatic way, 
which drew from her the explanatory remark: 

“Oh, well, he was so anxious to get the fire department 
before it was too late.” 

Then I described in my most eloquent manner the beau- 


33 


Agnes Dearborn 

tiful creature who had the courage to do what the men 
were afraid of doing, when Mrs. Mettle ejaculated: 

^^Well, of course, why shouldn’t she? Think how 
much my daughter is doing for her.” 

^Ts going to do, you mean,” I replied, ^^but your daugh- 
ter’s favors up to that moment consisted merely in the 
permission to occupy a camp stool,” (which permission, I 
wanted to add, was very grudgingly given) '^and the fu- 
ture is always more or less uncertain. If this accident 
had happened a month or so later and this young girl 
had been greatly benefited by the club, it would not have 
been so remarkable, perhaps; only the instinct of self- 
preservation is so strong that occasionally innumerable 
favors do not serve to overcome its impulses.” 

I did not understand at the time what made Mrs. 
Mettle look sharply at me as I uttered this last sage re- 
mark; but on becoming better acquainted I found that if 
favors were the means whereby one was to gain the de- 
votion of another, she had showered enough on Mr. K. 
Roundout Grout to have made him long for a chance to 
burn himself to a cinder, if need were, so that he might 
repay her kindness. 

‘'And now the poor girl is obliged to stay away from 
her work a week at least,” I said, approaching the sub- 
ject in which I was most interested. 

“That is too bad,” returned Mrs. Mettle. “It will be 
very dull for her, I dare say. I will give you a couple of 
stories to take her. ‘Molly Bawn’ is a clever kind of a 
book to while away a tiresome hour. And then 

“But, unfortunately,” I impatiently interrupted, 
“enTiwt is the least of her troubles. A cessation in her 
wages means something besides a mere loss of a pleasant 
method of spending the time. It means a loss of the 
actual necessaries of life.” 


34 


Three Fair Philanthropists 

Miss Mettle entered at this moment, her tall, command- 
ing figure resplendent in a purple velvet suit which evi- 
dently was of recent origin, as she walked up to the pier 
glass and began to regard it first in one light and then 
another, her steel-grey eyes gleaming with admiration 
when a favorable turn discovered new beauties, and anon 
a frown darkened her brow as a tiny wrinkle was visible. 

^^Who is that you were speaking about, Mrs. Winn, 
who wanted the necessaries of life?’^ she asked at length. 

was telling your mother of the destitute condition of 
the young girl who was so badly burned putting out the 
fire in your dress.’^ 

‘^Now, see here, Mrs. Winn, you are a good woman and 
mean well, Tve no doubt,’’ returned Miss Mettle, ^^but you 
might as well learn first as last that although it is my in- 
tention to elevate and better the condition of the girls 
that come to the club I do not intend to support them one 
and all by any means.” 

“But you wish to deal justly,” I replied, “and if one of 
them gives you a week’s work by the heroic manner in 
which she serves you in a given emergency you do not 
wish her to go unrewarded, especially as such neglect on 
your part may mean starvation with her.” 

“Oh, starvation! That’s the old story. They have 
taken you in, Mrs. Winn.” 

“Well, here is the number of her house. Take it and 
go and see for yourself,” I replied. 

“But that is too far away, and I am not suitably dressed,” 
stopping to consider a moment. “How much do you 
want ?” 

“Twenty dollars a week until she gets well. Perhaps 
one week will find her able to resume her work.” 

^T?wenty dollars ! Do be a little reasonable. She never 


35 


Agnes Dearborn 

made twenty dollars in a week I will venture to say. It 
is more likely eight or ten.” 

^‘No, she makes fifteen as bookkeeper and the extra five 
I intended for her medical attendance.” 

^Tooh ! she can get all the medical attendance she needs 
for nothing.” 

^^ISTot for the first week. She will be too feeble to go to 
a physician, and I know she would not have a man come 
to her without paying him if she had to go without eating 
to do so.” 

Here there arose a controversy between Mrs. Mettle and 
her daughter, the burden of which was the desire on the 
part of the young lady to borrow the sum from her mother 
and a decided unwillingness in the latter to comply with 
the request. 

As I sat waiting for them to come to some sort of an 
agreement I wondered if Providence had spared me my 
daughter till she was a young lady would we have fallen 
into the habit so many mothers and daughters allow them- 
selves, of snarling at each other. Not a fierce snarl but 
a plaintively unhappy or hopelessly aggrieved kind of a 
snarl, which causes the voice to run the entire gamut up 
and down. Set to music you know just how it sounded 
when Miss Mettle said: 

^^Now, mother, you might let her have twenty from that 
thousand-dollar dividend you received yesterday.” 

^^Yes, I suppose you think I can break into the amount 
which I have been reserving for that copper mine invest- 
ment. Why don’t you give it to her from the hundred 
your father gave you this morning?” 

^^And then where would my new dress come from for 
Mrs. Belmont’s ball?” etc., etc. 

And as they stood talking, both ladies unconsciously 
were toying with ornaments, one on her wrist and the 


36 Three Fair Philanthropists 

other lying on the table among dozens of others, that cost 
double the amount I was asking for, the support of two 
human beings for a week. 

At length, looking at the clock, I said: 

^^If it is not convenient for you to hand me the money 
this morning I can advance it and I will not trouble you 
for it till the end of the month.’' 

Mrs. Mettle agreed to this as the easier way; but Miss 
Mettle was inexorable. The money must be paid now, and 
her mother must pay it. It was a gallant fray! Both 
mother and daughter showed pluck and determination. 
And as I watched the ebb and flow of the war of words 
sometimes I thought victory would be to the one and then 
again to the other. 

In truth, however, I suppose neither of them aclaiowl- 
edged defeat, for Mr. Mettle came in during the flercest 
of the combat. He was a man not much taller than his 
wife, stout but muscular, with a head bordered by a 
fringe of red hair around a bald surface of considerable 
extent. His blue eyes had a kindly, pleasant expression, 
at the same time that they showed character and shrewd- 
ness. 

Evidently he was accustomed to scenes like the present, 
for he did not appear in the least disturbed as he asked : 

^^hat in thunder is the matter? Are you giving a 
scene from the monkey and parrot comedy for your vis- 
itor here? When I came in it sounded as though all the 
monkeys and parrots in Central Park had got together by 
the ears,” and after listening to an explanation, he con- 
tinued: ^^Just like a woman to make more of a fuss over 
twenty dollars than a man over twenty thousand. Here, 
take this,” handing out a twenty-dollar bill ; ^flf peace can 
be had for that small sum do let us have it.” 


Models of Account Keeping 


37 


CHAPTER IV. 

MODELS OF ACCOUNT KEEPING AND PARLIAMENTARY 
USAGE. 

There was a meeting of the executive committee to be 
held late in the afternoon and Miss Mettle and her double 
treasurer, who it was yet to be shown was equal to a sin- 
gle good one, had agreed to meet an hour beforehand to 
find out how the club’s finances stood. 

Mr. Grassey was present, but Miss Denny did not ar- 
rive. After waiting some time Miss Mettle decided to 
proceed without her. The young gentleman did not seem 
pleased with the prospect, but gave an unwilling consent, 
and they began to set do™ the various sums of money 
expended as they found them on the bills Miss Mettle 
held in her hand. 

^^Now, Mr. Grassey, see how much they come to when 
they are all added up.” 

Mr. Grassey took out his handkerchief and wiped his 
forehead ; he cleared his throat ; he looked longingly toward 
the door; he felt in his pocket for his penknife and com- 
menced sharpening his pencil; but, finally, with a long- 
drawn sigh he laboriously attempted the task, and deep 
mutterings of ‘^^two and six make eight, and five, etc.,” were 
heard. The length of time consumed in running up the 
first column of figures would have sufficed an ordinarily 
clever schoolboy to perform all the sums on a page of his 
arithmetic, allowing for the usual interruptions of whis- 
tling, cat-calls and an occasional standing on his head. 

Miss Mettle was occupied in looking over other ac- 


/ 


38 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


counts, so that she did not notice. At length returning to 
the matter she said : 

^^Excuse me for keeping you waiting, but how much did 
you find those sums amounted to?^^ 

Mr. Grassey’s hair was in a widely dishevelled state from 
his running his hand through it. Perhaps he thought out- 
ward friction of the brain might rouse that rather dor- 
mant part of his organism. 

^‘There he said, slapping his knee, forgot to carry 
the five, and it’s all wrong,” and he wiped afresh the beads 
of perspiration that stood upon his forehead. 

^^Vell, never mind. Take down these new numbers, 
which are the sums that have been subscribed, and you can 
add up the others afterward.” 

They had only just got to work on this task when a 
knock came, and the door being opened, Mr. Grassey rose, 
saying: 

^^Oh, yes. Miss Mettle, sorry to leave you, but here is 
my man with my tandem. I am driving it every day now, 
and I shall have to go. It will be impossible for me to 
stay another minute.” 

And in spite of his attempt to conceal it Mr. Grassey’s 
every movement, his quick, short, mincing steps, his jerk- 
ing at his collar and tie, to say nothing of the lighting up 
of his never too expressionful or soulful countenance, be- 
trayed his pleasure and relief at having an excuse to with- 
draw from his exhausting labors. 

^^Well, never mind, you can finish finding out how much 
these two columns amount to at home. Miss Denny will 
be in later and I will give her the same, and then we will 
see if you get them alike.” 

For half an hour after the time agreed upon for the ex- 
ecutive committee meeting no one appeared. Then the 
portly figure of Mr. K. Koundout Grout entered. 


Models of Account Keeping 


39 


glad to find you alone/^ he remarked, tenderly shak- 
ing Miss Mettle^s hand. 

‘^1 am not alone; Mrs. Winn is in there/’ pointing to 
where I sat in an adjoining room. 

^^Well, she doesn’t count. You and I are alone, as far** 
as spiritual affinities go, eh. Miss Mettle ?” 

Mr. Grout wore a rose of a tender hue in his buttonhole 
and his rubicund countenance was still further irradiated 
by a smile of no mean extent. 

^‘1 have just come from a talk with your estimable moth- 
er. She always dissipates my doubts and fears and gives 
me fresh courage.” He stopped and looked at Miss Mettle 
plaintively, sighing a lugubrious sigh, as if the cold, im- 
passive face before him was rapidly counteracting all the 
good effects derived from the cordiality of the mother. 

Miss Mettle’s sternness of manner somewhat relaxed as 
she glanced over a paper she held in her hand, and she 
said, more graciously: 

hope, Mr. Grout, you will be ready to settle your sub- 
scription this afternoon. I am going to ask all of those 
who have made subscriptions to pay up. There are bills 
already contracted, and then the repairs. By good rights 
you ought to be made to bear all the expense of restoring 
the rooms to their condition before the fire department 
ruined them with the water.” 

A careful scrutiny of Mr. K. Roundout Grout’s face after 
this remark would have revealed a suffusion of choleric 
light, accompanied by certain twitchings around the mouth, 
indicating a desire to relieve his suppressed emotions by 
speaking his mind. But, to his credit be it spoken, he re- 
sisted the temptation and merely asked : 

^^hat is the amount of my subscription ?” 

^^One hundred dollars,” returned Miss Mettle, ^^ill 
you make it two hundred?” 


40 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


Mr. Grout thoughtfully held his chin between his thumb 
and forefinger for a minute ; then he said : 

^^For your sake, dear Miss Mettle, I would gladly, but 
it will be impossible.^^ 

^^Nonsense, I accept no refusal; besides, it’s nothing 
more than your duty.” 

Again the choleric light appeared on the gentleman’s 
face, but again the temptation to words was resisted, 
shall put you down for another hundred.” 

Just at this instant the door opened and Miss Denny 
entered. Her lithe form was swathed in the garb of an 
aesthete. 

^^Hey-day ! I thought I was going to be late and there 
is no one here. What’s the matter with the rest of the 
committee ?” 

^‘They thought it would be a good plan to give you the 
time to cast up your accounts before they arrived,” re- 
turned Miss Mettle sarcastically. ^^Here they are. How 
set yourself to work on them,” handing her papers. 

^^Where is Mr. Grassey?” lisped Miss Denny in dismay. 
'^He promised me solemnly to be on hand.” 

*‘^He has been on hand and probably was so heartbroken 
because you were not here he could not stand it,” said Miss 
Mettle. 

‘^The lazy, contemptible fellow!” raged Miss Denny. 
^^Does he think I am going to do his work ?” 

The little peaked head covering she wore, on which, 
amid bows of ribbon, were long, curling, antennae looking 
feathery aigrettes, trembled with the emotions of their 
wearer. 

^Tt does not seem as if the men nowadays had any man- 
ners or heart to them !” she continued. 

‘^Of whom are you speaking?” asked Mr. Grout, sol- 
emnly, in his deep awe-inspiring voice. 


Models of Account Keeping 41 

“Oh, I don’t mean you,” rejoined Miss Denny, with a 
shiver. ^^You would never have gone off and left a person 
with everything to do, would you, now, Mr. Grout?” this 
with the archest look from her bright black eyes. ^^Kipp 
Grassey I thoroughly despise. If he should live to be as 
old as Methuselah he never would be old enough to be a 
man. He only knows enough to hold the reins in his 
tandem, and he has to depend on his man to tell him when 
to pull them up or change their course.” 

‘‘You do not seem to find his society very bad when you 
are with him,” replied Miss Mettle. 

“Don^t I though? You cannot see how many yawns I 
have to stifie nor how I long to hear him say one single 
new, bright remark. Oh, stupidity, inanity, asininity, thy 
embodiment in human shape, would be most perfectly set 
forth in the form of Mr. K. Grassey !” 

Miss Denny had evidently been taking lessons in elo- 
cution, and her naturally artificial manners (if the reader 
will pardon such a paradox) had been rendered more gro- 
tesquely affected, so that her rendering of the above ele- 
vated sentiment was extremely ludicrous. 

Mr. Grout smiled and Miss Denny, feeling that she had 
a sympathetic admirer for the time being in the member 
of Congress, of whom she had stood somewhat in awe, was 
encouraged to try other of her arts and wiles. She said 
all the soft, sweet things she could think of, she looked at 
him with her head at every conceivable angle and she en- 
ticed him away from Miss Mettle^s side to a sofa, where 
she beguiled him with stories as flat and vapid as herself, 
than which it would be impossible to think of anything 
worse. ^ She succeeded in rousing Miss Mettle’s ire to such 
an extent that that amiable personage called out : 

“You talk about longing so to hear something new from 
Mr. Grassey. Such a chatterer as you are would not give 


42 Three Fair Philanthropists 

a man a chance to say anything if he were a Chester- 
field/^ 

Miss Denny was about to make a suitable reply to this 
too truthful statement, when Mr. Grassey appeared. There 
was nothing to reveal his former ruffled state of mind but a 
certain jerked look about his tie. 

"I thought IM come back and invite some one to go with 
me for a drive in the park.” 

A spider could not have beaten Miss Denny in the rapid- 
ity with which she left the sofa where she had been en- 
tertaining the congressman. 

^^How very kind and thoughtful,” she murmured ; ‘^quite 
like you. Miss Mettle will be delighted, I am sure, to ac- 
company you.” 

^^Miss Mettle indeed !” retorted that young lady. ^Ter- 
haps you think I am such an irresponsible agent as to start 
off when a meeting of the committee is about to assemble ?” 

Mr. Grassey put his hand up to his head as if the mental 
strain of the short time previous was still afflicting him, 
and he said, deprecatingly : 

^^Really, Miss Mettle, I am not feeling well this after- 
noon, and I am sorry not to finish what you wanted me to ; 
but, really, I shall have to do it some other time.” 

He was putting his hand on the knob to leave, without 
extending his invitation to Miss Denny, when that person 
detained him by saying sweetly, though a certain sparkle in 
her eye betrayed an inward state of mind that was far from 
sweet : 

do not wonder you enjoy driving in the park, you are 
such a fine horseman.” 

^TTou are too kind to say so; my man, James, says not 
many tandems get better handled in Hew York city.” 

This was a left-handed compliment, as James did most 
of the handling. 


Models of Account Keeping 43 

^^Indeed, he is very astute, that man of yours. He 
knows a great deal, and a compliment from him means 
something.^^ 

Poor Miss Denny had a rather lengthy time fishing for 
her desired invitation, but at length it came, and she re- 
plied promptly : 

shall be most happy. There is nothing so delightful 
as a ride with you after your beautiful tandem. I feel 
so safe when you hold the reins.” 

Turning to Miss Mettle, she said: 

^^Supposing you let Mrs. Winn get the accounts ready,” 
and they were off. An instant Miss Denny returned for 
her handkerchief, when Miss Mettle remarked: 

^^You had better take care and not chatter so loud that 
Mr. Grassey cannot hear his man telling him which way to 
pull his lines. Ha ! ha !” 

^There is nothing so delightful as a ride with thee, oh, 
thou perfect embodiment in human shape of stupidity, 
inanity, and — what was the third attribute?” said Mr. 
Grout, quoting from Miss Denny^s recent apostrophe. 

That high-minded personage gave a knowing wink and 
whispered : 

^^Did you ever see any one who could swallow so much 
soft soap at a given time? But I^d rather ride with a 
monkey than to stay at home.” 

The result of this departure was that I had to be taken 
from the task of ripping the window hangings, which had 
been injured by the water, and set to work upon the ac- 
counts. Thus it happened that I was forced to be present 
when the august body called the committee assembled. 
Twelve was their number, six ladies and six gentlemen. An 
hour after the time appointed one and another began to 
arrive. The ladies fluttered in like butterflies after a new 
flower. The term ^^flutteP^ is particularly appropriate in 


44 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


this case, for they came in, in a hurry, their silks, satins, 
moires, brocades and laces giving the sound of movement 
in quick vibration. 

At the risk of being thought both envious and critical, I 
must say the toilets of these several ladies filled me with 
consternation and dismay to think how human ingenuity 
must be taxed to produce such fearful and wonderful con- 
structions. It did not strike me as at all singular that the 
science of conversation should be disappearing. How could 
a person be expected to have any mind left for conversation 
when she is surrounded by toilets whose mysteries of con- 
struction seem to demand a solution ? 

Miss Mettle and Miss Hopper began the exercises by a 
series of brief but exceedingly pointed remarks as to what 
had become of Miss Hopper’s notes, but these were brought 
to a close by Miss Hopper’s being able, after long and pain- 
ful efforts, to find her pocket where she had placed the doc- 
uments. As is customary in such meetings, the secretary’s 
notes received the first attention. Miss Hopper did not 
confine herself to technical terms or to the simple forms 
prescribed by parliamentary usage in writing her reports. 
She introduced noble metaphors where an ordinary phrase 
would have been preferable, she left out all mention of 
Miss Mettle where she possibly could, and when she must 
perforce mention her it was briefly, sometimes sneeringly 
done. 

The spirit of the rest of the committee did not seem to 
be much more benign than that of their two principal offi- 
cers. 

think we are doing too much for the working girls, in 
spending our days” (they had been together just twenty 
minutes) ^^as well as our evenings. I have to come around 
again this week some time,” ^vhispered one young lady to 
liet neighbor. 


Models of Account Keeping 45 

^^Well, I can just tell you what it is!^^ replied the one 
addressed, whose name was Miss Leonora Bullwinkle, ‘^if 
Bay Mettle does not invite me to her next musical for all 
this I’m doing, the working girl can club it for herself 
hereafter, as far as I am concerned.” 

want to draw your attention to a very important mat- 
ter,” said Miss Mettle after I had read the treasurer’s re- 
port, which had an astonishing array of figures on the 
wrong side of the page, ‘^and that is, our lack of funds. 
In exact figures, Mrs. Winn, how much do we owe?” 

^^Two thousand three hundred and sixty-eight dollars 
and fifty-nine cents,” I replied. 

^^And how much is there subscribed?” she asked again. 

^^Three thousand and ten dollars.” 

^^Now, you see, we have enough pledged, but on account 
of this accident we shall have to collect as soon as possible, 
so I am going to begin with the list of subscribers and ask 
each one of you how early you can send the amount. Miss 
Bounds, yours is the first name.” 

sent in my check a week ago !” exclaimed that lady, 
indignantly. 

^^See if there is any cross at her name or other indica- 
tion that Miss Denny received the money,” said Miss Met- 
tle to me in an aside. 

But no; I looked faithfully, and there was no sign of 
the sum having been received. 

^^Did Miss Denny give you a receipt ?” asked Miss Met- 
tle. 

^^Of course not. Do you think I’d stoop to take a re- 
ceipt for what I gave in charity ? But I see you don’t be- 
lieve me, and I am not in the habit of being doubted,” and 
Miss Bounds was about to withdraw, when I happened to 
think that there were some stray papers in the waste-bas- 
ket which might be looked over. 


46 


Three Fair Philanthropists 

^^Wait a minute,” I said, ^^perliaps the check can he 
found,” and my search was rewarded by the missing pa- 
per. 

"You will have to look after the accounts, Mrs. Winn,” 
said Miss Mettle. 

"I don’t see why Grace Denny should have help in Tier 
work and I have none in mine,'* returned Miss Hopper, 
pouting. 

"Both of you need nurses !” exclaimed Miss Mettle, sym- 
pathetically. 

With all her powers of persuasion Miss Mettle could 
only raise one thousand dollars, which left thirteen hun- 
dred and sixty-eight on the old debts and nothing for re- 
pairs. 

"Miss Mettle, I have a plan to suggest.” The speaker 
was a young rector, a spare, thin-faced man with an un- 
gainly figure which became absolutely uncomfortable to 
look at because of its owner’s self-consciousness of his de- 
fects in a physical point of view, though from other stand- 
points, that of birth for instance, his importance was 
greatly exaggerated. For was he not the son of a bishop 
and were not his aspirations as high as any small-souled 
man’s could possibly be ? 

Miss Mettle was all attention. 

^^And what is your plan ?” she asked. 

The rector adjusted his glasses and cleared his throat 
as he replied: 

"Perhaps when you hear it you will be reminded of 
Ezekiel’s vision of the wheels within wheels, as the plan 
proposes a charity within a charity. I have three thou- 
sand dollars which has been given me for my mission. I 
will call a meeting of my warden and vestrymen to make 
arrangements to let you have the sum, providing you will 
agree to pay us a little larger rate of interest than is 


Models of Account Keeping 47 

usually demanded, say twenty-five or thirty per cent. This 
would seem exorbitant for any other than benevolent pur- 
poses. But when you consider that by making this ar- 
rangement you relieve yourselves of present embarrass- 
ment at the same time that you assist in prosecuting a 
good work in another part of the city, it puts a different 
face on the plan.” 

A wave of different emotions seemed to sweep over the 
company. Mr. K. Eoundout Grout raised his eyebrows 
suspiciously and puckered up his lips as though it would 
relieve him greatly if he could only give a prolonged whis- 
tle. Several ladies in the vicinity of the rector looked dis- 
approvingly. Miss Hopper said: 

protest against burdening this society with such a 
debt. A friend of mine out in California has written me 
at great length about his experience in enterprises of this 
kind, and he emphasizes keeping out of debt. His ex- 
pression was, Tjaden a ship with a cargo of debt if you 
wish to sink it.^ ” 

The young ladies who looked disapprovingly nodded 
their assent to these words. An exceedingly pronounced 
type of blonde sitting next to the rector, whose only inter- 
est in the proceedings so far had appeared to consist in 
twirling her eyeglasses and gazing in mute admiration at 
her neighbor, was roused to activity. Her powers of con- 
versation were limited, but she ejaculated: 

^‘Unsafe investment, rector! Worse than mines or the 
Sutro tunnel I” 

Miss Mettle tumeu sharply to this speaker and said : 

^^Miss Hevins, I don^t understand your invidious re- 
mark! I have reason to believe you have some personal 
interest at stake which makes you wish to prejudice the 
rector.^^ 

For a moment these two looked at each other with that 


48 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


peculiarly fond glance with which young women are wont 
to regard each other when a rivalry is about to commence 
between them. 

^^But, Miss Mettle/^ spoke the deep-voiced K. Kound- 
out Grout, ^^your society is not incorporated, so it would 
be impossible for it to borrow or lend.” 

^‘Oh, that need be no objection,” returned the rector. 
^^Miss Mettle^s father is sufficiently well known, so that I 
would not care for the signature of the society.” 

^^But do you think it a good plan to start out so heavily 
burdened?” asked Miss Hopper. ^^If Bay Mettle is in- 
clined to borrow that money herself for the club I would 
not say a word, but I know her. The rest of us would be 
made to suffer if the twenty-five per cent, interest ” 

^^Or thirty per cent., I think I said,” replied the rector. 

^^Well, thirty, then,” resumed Miss Hopper, ^Vas not 
forthcoming whenever it was due. And no one enjoys be- 
ing badgered.” 

^^Can you furnish the two thousand that must be had 
to carry on the enterprise?” asked Miss Mettle. 

^^JSTo, of course I cannot,” said Miss Hopper; ^ffiut you 
can, and it would be a great deal simpler to have it come in 
that way than in any other.” 

Miss Mettle had a difficult task before her. Borrow that 
money she was determined, with all the determination of 
her character, which we have already seen was something 
masterful. But to be solely responsible for it she was 
equally determined she would not, as she inherited from 
her mother a penurious disposition. 

I looked on with no little interest, having been present 
in the morning when the encounter between herself and 
mother took place. I could not help wondering whether 
she would come out of the present fray as successfully as 
then. 


Models of Account Keeping 49 

She first attacked the member of Congress. Taking a 
sheet of paper and a pencil, she demanded that he head the 
list with his name. This at first he refused to do, although 
it was easy to be seen that he was in an undecided state. 
Finally a mutual understanding was reached and Miss 
Mettle triumphantly flourished the paper with his name 
before the eyes of the rest of the company. 

She next approached Miss Leonora Bull winkle, the young 
lady who cherished the ardent longings in regard to her 
musicales. Not much ammunition was necessary to bring 
her into a state of subjection. A brewer’s daughter (or, as 
the family preferred to be known, the daughter of a retired 
malt-broker), with the steep hill of social distinction to 
climb, could afford to be responsible for many times three 
thousand dollars rather than offend any one who could as- 
sist her in her arduous undertaking. 

Finally every one’s name on the committee had been se- 
cured except Miss Nevin’s and Miss Hopper’s. It was 
growing dusk and these two remained obdurate. But Miss 
Mettle had turned the key in the door, and, holding it in 
her hand, had assured them that darkest night might come 
and they would still be prisoners if they did not yield. We 
were all sitting round a handsome leather-covered table, the 
conversation between those who had signed the paper and 
those who had not being of the usual fervent, impassioned 
style of oratory carried on by opponents, when a sudden ex- 
plosive sound interrupted remark, and we saw a small 
piece of plastering from the ceiling on the table before us. 
The water of the evening previous had loosened the hold of 
the plastering on the laths overhead. 

With one accord we moved back from the table, intend- 
ing to take refuge in precipitate flight. But before we 
could carry out our design a sheet, large enough to give us 


50 


Three Fair Philanthropists 

all a sharp rap on the head and cover us with dust and 
dirt, descended. 

‘^The key! Where is the key?” shouted a half-dozen 
voices at once. 

Miss Mettle had unintentionally and most unfortunately 
dropped this important aid to freedom, and her efforts to 
search around while she exhorted Miss Nevin and Miss 
Hopper bordered on the heroic. 

"How you see what discomfort you have brought upon 
us! If you had signed that paper when you ought we 
should have been out of here when this happened.” 

"Where is the paper ? I will sign it, or do anything else 
you want,” whimpered Miss Hevins, "if I can only be al- 
lowed to leave this place.” 

"For shame, Lena Hevins, to give in that way !” said the 
sturdy and indomitable Miss Hopper. 

The paper was found to be completely riddled, as if 
the plastering had decided objections to the existence of 
a document composed at the point of the sword, so to speak. 

The rector saw Miss Mettle’s dismay, and said : 

"Never mind; you know I do not care for all those 
names. Yours will do.” 

The search for the key being unsuccessful, confusion 
reigned supreme. Mr. K. Eoundout Grout, true to his in- 
stincts of the duty of self-preservation, was banging and 
kicking at the door, which raised such an insuperable bar- 
rier against flight. Two or three of the young ladies were 
leaning out of the window and calling to policemen, who, 
not being within call, could not respond, and the deep roar 
of the city’s din made the shrieks they uttered sound ex- 
tremely attenuated. 

Finally the heroic Mr. Grout’s efforts were rewarded 
and a panel of the door giving way. Miss Hopper, as the 
smallest number of the party, was able to get out and 
bring assistance. 


Carpenters May Come and Go 51 


CHAPTER V. 

CARPENTERS MAY COME AND CARPENTERS MAY GO, BUT OUR 

STORY GOES ON (LET US HOPE NOT QUITE) FOREVER. 

I HAD expected to have the opening week and perhaps 
the first month of my engaging in a new occupation full 
of trying experiences, and if any of my readers think, after 
perusing a history of that time that I failed to realize my 
expectations I shall conclude there is something out of 
joint with their conception of what trying experiences 
really are. 

In the first place I must tell my friends that I am by 
nature systematic to a fault. My life in school had served 
to increase all such tendencies. I had risen, breakfasted, 
taught, dined, walked, supped and retired for ten years by 
the clock. There was no other countenance that inspired 
me with such ambition and stimulated me to so much 
endeavor as the dear old battered face of the schoolroom 
clock. But now, I might just as well not have had any 
time piece except to keep account of the time I wasted in 
waiting for everybody. 

The morning after the committee-meeting my dressing 
was interrupted by heavy knocks on the outside door and 
to my question ^‘Who’s there ?’^ came the answer, ^^We’s 
the workmin.’^ I soon completed my toilet and opened 
the door. 

suppose you know what you are to do,’^ I said. 

^Dade thin we do noV^ replied the leader. 


52 


Three Fair Philanthropists 

engaged yon?’^ I asked. 

^‘Well, there wnz three gals of ’em an’ they sid as how 
they’d all be on hand to tell us what they wanted done.” 

Nothing had been said to me about directing affairs, so 
I felt that it would be officious to offer suggestions. The 
men took up their station in the hall singing, telling stories, 
and laughing at their witty and witless remarks until a 
boy appeared with a note from persons below who angrily 
asked me what I meant by allowing such an uproar. 

When I remonstrated with the men they promised to do 
better, but forgot in a few minutes their promises and I 
constantly had to talk to them until nearly eleven o’clock. 
I was just on the point of sending them away when Miss 
Hopper appeared. Her ruddy face grew several shades 
more ruddy and her large, full, light blue eyes, which al- 
ways gave the impression of starting from their sockets, 
looked several sizes larger than usual. Miss Hopper was 
one of those short, stout young ladies who make it a point 
to build themselves skyward with tall hats, hair done up 
high on the head, feather tips and various other feminine 
devices. Her manners and general bearing always brought 
before my mental vision a steam-tug, noisy and blustering, 
whose attempts at an assumption of dignity were very 
amusing in view of its size. In the present instance she 
put on her most stern and awful demeanor as she looked at 
the men and said: 

^^Why are you not inside at work?” 

^Taith and you’re a purtty un to ax us that question 
when we’re bin here since seven o’clock waiting for you 
to tell us what you wanted done.” 

^^Mrs. Winn, I suppose your duties have been too press- 
ing (though I am sure I don’t know what they can be) 
for you to give these men a few directions.” 

^Tndeed, you are mistaken, Miss Hopper. I should have 


Carpenters May Come and Go 53 

much preferred to set these men to work if I had been sure 
I knew what you wanted, than to have endured the noise 
and confusion of their idleness. But there were no orders 
given.” 

^^Some people are very particular about orders when the 
work is not to their liking. I guess you won’t stop for 
orders when it comes time to draw your salary, no matter 
whether you’ve done anything to earn it or not.” 

^^Miss Hopper, there is a very simple and effective remedy 
you are always able to use, in case you are not satisfied 
with my services.” 

^^Who’s not satisfied with your services?” interrupted 
Miss Denny, dancing in and turning a circle on one toe. 
^^Has Annie Hopper told you she was not satisfied with 
your services ? My senses alive ! You can’t pay any atten- 
tion to her ! She is not happy unless she is fighting some- 
body and discharging them and taking them back. She 
did not have the say about engaging you and I guess she 
can’t discharge you, but while you are settling your affair^ 
I will set these men to work.” 

So saying in her most airy manner she went to the work' 
men and said: 

^^Well, my good fellows, you are ready for work I see. 
What are your names ?” 

^^Och, bless her for a swatespoken Miss that she is,” ex- 
cleaimed the leader ; ‘^so much more civil than the other two 
fatties. Why, his name is Mick Dooley, and that un’s Tim 
O’Harar, and mine’s Patrick Brodigan O’Flanagan, your 
humble sarvant,” and he pulled off his cap and bowed low. 

"'Well, Mr. Patrick Brodigan O’Flanagan, do you un- 
derstand repairing ?” 

"That I does and no one can bate me. I can repair 
everything, even to broken hearts, so they’ll look just like 
new and last twict as long.” 


54 


Three Fair Philanthropists 

'^There is nothing in the broken heart line to-day, though 
I wish there were so that I could test your ability; but 
here is this room damaged by fire and water. You see it 
needs repairing in various places,’’ and she gave a graceful 
sweep with her hand, a motion the elocution master had 
taken great trouble to perfect her in and which she now 
used on every occasion, from issuing an order about the 
pudding for dinner to the most frenzied passages in '^The 
Maniac,” her favorite recitation. 

The three men stood staring at her with the open but 
not intellectual countenances worn by Irishmen in a 
quandary. They evidently were unused to the type to which 
Miss Denny belonged — ^that might be called the fantastico 
— affected. 

But Patrick soon collected himself and said : 

‘TTis, repairing I should think it naded, bad enough. 
Put there’s mor’n one way to sit to work. Does ye’s 
want 

'^Oh, that is a matter of perfect indifference. Just re- 
pair it. Do you hear ? Kepair it. Set right to work and 
have it repaired by to-morrow at four.” 

^^Howly Mither! I should think ’twas a pair of shoes 
she was talkin’ about to be repaired by to-morrow at four,’’ 
exclaimed Patrick. 

matter of indifference how it’s done !” broke in Miss 
Hopper. "Grace Denny, if I did not have any more 
gumption than to give such orders as that, I’d advertise 
for a little to be delivered at once. Here, man,” turning 
to the workman, "you see that arch over there where the 
woodwork is destroyed; we want you to begin there and 
use the same kind of wood in veneer but any kind of cheap 
stuff will do for underneath. Look at the other arch; we 
want you to preserve the same continuity in the one as in 
the other.” 


Carpenters May Come and Go 55 

don’t do no presarvin’ !” exclaimed Patrick, ^Ve’s 
workmin used to carpentering but we lave the presarving 
to the wimin.” 

^^Dolt!” exclaimed Miss Hopper amid the laughter and 
chipping of hands of Miss Denny, who in a loud sotto 
voce, said: 

^^If I did not have the gumption to know the difference 
between a workman and a professor and adapt my conver- 
sation accordingly I’d advertise for a little to be delivered 
ai once.” 

Miss Hopper proceeded to simplify her remarks and to 
add to her instructions until the workmen’s faces looked 
clearer, and when they had commenced operations the two 
young ladies withdrew. 

Just after the hour of noon when the men had resumed 
their labors I heard some one come up the stairs and as she 
entered the rooms a loud exclamation of wrath caused me 
to enter in order to learn the reason. 

It was Miss Mettle with her cold, steel eyes shooting 
forth such rays of sharp reproof and rage that if they 
had been as steely as they looked I should have been 
perforated and lifeless in five minutes. 

^^Mrs. Winn, what does this mean ?” pointing to the men 
at work on the arch. ^^I have a great mind to discharge you 
on the spot. How dared you set those men to work without 
any orders from mef Not a word” (as I tried to tell her 
who gave the men their orders). ‘‘It is bad enough to see 
all this mischief done — the time of these men wasted — ^to 
say nothing of the beautiful plans I had made nearly 
spoiled without having you make matters worse by excuses. 
There’s no excuse. What excuse can you have for being 
so officious ? Do you think we engaged you to order every- 
thing about this club ? If so we should have asked you to 
be president, secretary and treasurer.” 


56 


Three Fair Philanthropists 

I remained silent until Miss Mettle had exhausted her 
vituperative powers when I said calmly : 

‘There is no necessity of my making any excuses for 
setting these men at work for the very simple reason that 
I had nothing to do with it. Miss Hopper and Miss Denny 
performed that officious act some time since. These men 
came here and waited for hours with nothing to do. 
Workmen have the unfortunate habit of beginning their 
day’s labor before two o’clock in the afternoon and if you 
wish to give them orders it is well to be on hand a little 
earlier.” 

“Earlier ! this is plenty early enough if they had begun 
on the floor instead of the arch as any sensible person 
would have made them. Now that arch must not be 
flnished in that shape (to the men) . It is not the fashion 
to have the two alike. I want you to give this one more of 
the Moorish curve like this picture/’ and she produced a 
magazine with a cut representing one of the arches of the 
Alhambra. 

At the end of the second day those workmen packed up 
their tools and left and Patrick said : 

“ ’Dade, thin, me hid is schplit entoirlee tryin’ to remem- 
ber which of all thim orders must be tinded to and which 
you must lave alone. I wuz always a doin’ of what I 
ought to lave, thet I wuz ! And, thim Moorish arches are 
not fit fur a dacent white man to walk undernath, let alone 
help to make hathenish fixin’s all over thim. May the 
howly mither forgive me for doin’ as much as I have ! 

Crossing himself devoutly in order to counteract any 
evil influence that might remain from the effects of 
yielding to the sin of copying the “hathenish fixin’s,” 
Patrick and his two companions passed out into the street. 

Although I did not wish to violate any one’s religious 
scruples by having him engage in an occupation of which 


Carpenters May Come and Go 57 

his conscience did not approve, it would have been a great 
convenience to me if Patrick had made his scruples known 
a few minutes earlier. 

Miss Mettle had just gone home to get ready for a large 
dinner and Miss Hopper and Miss Denny I knew were gone 
with a party on a tally-ho for an excursion to Tremont. 
The only thing for me to do was to write a note and take 
it up to Miss Mettle and ask the servant to give it to her 
with her early morning mail. This had the effect of bring- 
ing the young lady to the rooms in the middle of the fore- 
noon following in a great rage. She abused carpenters in 
general and the three that had gone off so suddenly in par- 
ticular. She bemoaned her lot as the most persecuted of 
mortals because she had to come out so early; it was so 
thoroughly unladylike to be seen abroad before noon, she 
declared. 

‘^Mrs. Winn, my maid was busy this morning and so you 
may go down town now to look up some more men.” 

‘^What did you say ?” I asked, not willing to trust to the 
testimony of my senses without a repetition of the mes- 
sage. 

Miss Mettle repeated her permission, my eyes fixed on her 
the while to see if there was any inclination of shame or 
blush of confusion at asking a lady to take a servants place 
with such needless effrontery. But I will leave it to be de- 
cided by some more unprejudiced judge than myself 
whether there is anything in the heavens above, the earth 
beneath or the waters under the earth, bolder, more un- 
scrupulous and altogether destitute of any trace of com- 
mon humanity than the effrontery of a fashionable man 
or woman. 

Miss Mettle answered my look by adding: ^^Oh, you 
may go in the same car or stage with me, but of course 
youTl sit at the further end.” 


58 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


^^Certainly, the farther the better/^ I replied. 

We got into a car in which a lady was sitting whom I 
had known and admired while connected with the school 
I have already mentioned. That she was some one influ- 
ential in social circles I inferred from the great agitation 
Miss Mettle displayed at sight of her. She was so charmed 
to meet her. She remembered with such transports of de- 
light their last meeting at the Eydensnyfer’s reception. 
Between each of her remarks occurred a little stony, false 
laugh which was quite in keeping with the sharp steely look 
from her eyes. 

After talking a few minutes with Miss Mettle Mrs. Con- 
rad excused herself and said there was some one in the 
farther end of the car she wished to see, and my surprise 
and gratification may be better imagined than described 
when I say the ^^some one’^ was none other than my own 
poor despised self. 

Ah, who can measure the good done by a kindly shake of 
the hand and an inquiry prompted by genuine good will 
for the health and happiness of another? Heaven must 
look with approving eyes on all Mrs. Conrads, who will 
leave the society of the prosperous and influential to speak 
a word of cheer to the obscure. When we were leaving the 
car she said to Miss Mettle : 

^^ou ought to have great success in your undertaking 
with such an energetic, faithful helper as Mrs. Winn.^^ 

My heart was too full for utterance. I could only press 
this dear lady’s hand and look the thanks I dare not trust 
myself to speak. 

As we reached the sidewalk Miss Mettle said pettishly: 
^WHiy didn’t you tell me you knew the Conrads and I’d 
have let you sit by me. You did not tell her I asked you to 
take the place of my maid, did you?” 

course not,” I replied. should have been very 


Carpenters May Come and Go 59 

sorry to have her think yon were capable of such snobbish- 
ness.” 

want to get her interested in my Working Girls’ Club,” 
replied Miss Mettle, ignoring the latter part of my remark. 
^^She has charming entertainments at her beautiful home 
on Fifth avenue and Fd like to have her offer to give one to 
raise money for our enterprise. There would be sure to be 
a lot of money made.” 

We had a weary time getting workmen to take the places 
of those who had left. Miss Mettle would not allow of any 
contractor or overseer, as she wished to have the entire 
control of the men herself and it was hard to find capable 
men who could be had on such terms. But at last they were 
secured and they promised to be on hand at two o’clock 
that very afternoon. 

I have already alluded to the conspicuous location of the 
club rooms. They were on a corner of Fifth avenue. 

After securing our men Miss Mettle called a cab as the 
quickest means of reaching home. We were driven up the 
avenue and as we approached our street Miss Mettle was 
saying: 

^^Well, Mrs. Winn, I think I will go home for my lunch 
and return immediately and don’t let any one in, not even 

Miss Hopper or Grace Denny when her eye glancing 

up to the window caught sight of persons within. She fol- 
lowed me out of the cab and dismissed the driver. 

^TDid you lock the rooms when we left them?” 

^^Yes,” I answered, ^^and here are my keys.” 

We could not imagine what was happening, for as we 
ascended the stairs there was the sound of pounding and 
hammering, together with the chattering of ladies’ voices 
accompanied by the ponderous tones of manly bass. When 
the door opened and revealed the true state of the case my 
first inclination was to get behind something that would 


60 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


shield me from the fragments which I felt sure Miss 
Mettle’s rage would send flying in every direction. For 
there were workmen as industriously plying their tools as 
though the combined authority of the three heads of the en- 
terprise had set them the task, and one of the men was even 
giving the ^‘hathenish fixin’s” on the Moorish arch a singu- 
larly civilized air. 

Around a table which I recognized as being taken from 
my room, with its drawer eliminated, were Misses Hopper 
and Denny with Messrs. Grassey and Grout playing whist. 
Miss Hopper threw a most exasperating glance of mingled 
triumph and complacency in Miss Mettle’s direction as she 
called out : 

^^It is your turn to play, Mr. Grout.” 

But that that gentleman’s state of mind was not per- 
fectly calm was evidenced by the play he made which was 
greeted by Miss Denny with an exclamation of horror. 

^'To think of such an atrocious play! Trumping my 
ace !” 

But what did the strange calm in Miss Mettle’s demeanor 
portend? Her steel-grey eye took in the situation at a 
glance, even the man working at her favorite arch, but to 
my unspeakable amazement she betrayed not the slightest 
emotion. Could it be that this was such a stillness as 
people in the tropics describe as the forerunner of their 
most destructive hurricanes? I think Miss Hopper and 
Miss Denny must have had similar fears for they began 
to make explanations. 

^^as it not strange, Eay,” Miss Denny asked, ^These men 
just happened along? We had stopped at your house on 
our way down and heard from your mother how Patrick 
Brodigan O’Flanagan and his associates had withdrawn 
and 

"And they have proved themselves excellent workmen/^ 


Carpenters May Come and Go 61 

interrupted Miss Hopper, ^^for we have remained here to 
watch them and we are entirely satisfied with the results 
of their labor. I think you ought to feel very grateful to 
us for engaging such superior men.^^ 

Still not a word from Miss Mettle while the man at work 
on the Moorish arch could be heard chip, chip, as he 
chiselled away at the ^^hathenish fixin’s.” She waited 
around a short time, making a few indifferent remarks, and 
then withdrew. 

Mr. Grout tried to follow her but the game of whist was 
not finished and Miss Denny would not let him off. 
Finally, however, they all left, and I was free to pick up 
my table, put the drawer in its place, arrange my upset 
work basket and replace my writing desk, which had been 
on the floor. 

I mentally went over the events of the morning — waxing 
wrathful at the cool impertinence of Miss Mettle’s permis- 
sion to ride in the same car ; melting under the kindness of 
dear Mrs. Conrad; transported with astonishment at the 
rare phenomenon of Miss Mettle’s composure under what 
I knew was to her great provocation. ^^How was she going 
to manage?” I kept asking myself. Here were these 
men who, by the wa}^ seemed to me very far from ^^su- 
perior,” as I had kept my door open and had caught them 
handling some of the rugs in a very suspicious way and 
there were the other men who were to come, now, within an 
hour. How could she get rid of the first in time to prevent 
a collision? For she did not deceive me by her calmness 
into thinking she was intending to submit quietly to have 
her plans interfered with. 

As I was in the midst of my profound meditations on this 
score the door opened and Miss Mettle walked in. She 
looked around to see what the men were doing and finding 


62 Three Fair Philanthropists 

them quietly at work she asked if she could come into my 
room. 

^TDon’t you think, Mrs. Winn/^ she said in a suppressed 
tone of voice, but still loud enough to be heard in the ad- 
joining room, ^‘it was very fortunate we were able to get 
men to work in rooms where there had been smallpox ? A 
great many men you know are afraid of smallpox, but these 
men I think must have been vaccinated recently or else had 
the disease before.” 

The stillness as of death that greeted the first remark 
was interrupted before she reached the close of her last 
sentence by a. clattering of tin dinner-pails, a hustling 
round after coats and hats, a dropping and picking up of 
tools and a rapid scampering downstairs amid ejacula- 
tions of '^Och, wait for me!” ^The devil or the small- 
pox; there’s small choice between thim.” 

^There could not anything act more like a charm than 
that, eh, Mrs. Winn?” asked Miss Mettle triumphantly. 

^^You have carried your point certainly,” I replied, 
'T}ut it’s a very expensive victory. It has cost you the 
truth.” 

Miss Mettle was just about to argue this point with me 
when she was interrupted by the entrance of Mr. Grout. 
He was panting and looked considerably disturbed. 

^^What’s the matter ?” he asked. was passing the street 
door just now and those carpenters Miss Hopper engaged 
came tumbling on to the sidewalk, just as if they had been 
shot out of a cannon. One of them ran into me and 
knocked me over into the gutter. Before I could pick my- 
self up and get hold of him to teach him better manners 
he and his companions had scratched off muttering some- 
thing about smallpox, and as I thought they had gone crazy 
I came up here to find out what it all meant. But I did 
not suppose I should be so fortunate as to find you here.” 


Carpenters May Come and Go 63 

This with a tender sigh and expressive look at Miss 
Mettle. That young lady put on her most frigid manner. 

I presume you hoped Miss Hopper and Miss Denny 
would have returned for another game of whist.” 

^^What ! do you think I came to see them this morning ?” 
with a vehement emphasis on them. ^^You know that there 
is only one person who has any charms for me — only one 
star that sheds its rays on the midnight blackness of my 
desolated life. That person and that star is your own — 
may I say it ? — dear self.” 

“Humph ! I am not so dear but you could help others to 
do what you knew I should not like !” 

^^Why, what do you refer to ? Engaging those men this 
morning? Positively,” and here Mr. Grout used the full 
force of his capacious lung power, “they had commenced 
work before I arrived. Mr. Grassey had taken me for a 
ride in the park and on our return we strolled in here 
to see how nearly finished the rooms were and we found 
those men at work. But, zounds ! if I^d known they were 
here without your approval I would have pitched ^em out 
neck and heels before you could have winked. Yet it 
seems to me it did not take you long to dispose of them. 
How did you manage it ?” 

Miss Mettle unbent a little as she narrated her crafty 
artifice and together they laughed at the speedy effect it 
produced. 

“Oh, Miss Mettle, you are so clever!” exclaimed her 
admirer enthusiastically. “It is no wonder I feel drawn 
toward you. Like always seeks like. I suffered in that 
respect in the companion of my first choice. She was a 
good woman” (then the thought of her disposal of her prop- 
erty hashing through his mind, he added), “ a moderately 
good woman, but, oh; when I compare you with her it is 


64 


Three Fair Philanthropists 

just as though I should place a brilliant diamond of the 
first water next a piece of plain glass.” 

^^Bnt how did it happen that such a connoisseur as you 
are, failed to discover the glass before it was too late ?” 

‘^Well, for some reason, I do not know what it is, I am 
very attractive to the ladies 

""Some ladies, please say,” interrupted Miss Mettle. 

^^Ah ! yes, indeed, that is true. I should not be such a 
wretched man if I could attract the only one I cared about. 
But to return to the reason of my first choice. I am 
very attractive, if I do say it who should not, and before I 
knew it I found my first wife was desperately in love with 
me. I was young and inexperienced then and I imagined 
it was every one^s duty to try and relieve the distresses 
of their fellow men and women, even at the sacrifice of 
their own pleasure.” 

It is a wonder Mrs. Grout did not rise from her last rest- 
ing place and appear before her base spouse, and with 
her cold finger pointed in scorn ask him how it happened 
that if she was so desperately in love with him her father 
had to exhort and threaten in order to get her to marry 
him, and furthermore ask him if he had not put the youth 
and inexperience on the wrong side, inasmuch as she was 
only just out of school when the ceremony took place. 

But she did nothing of the sort and Mr. Grout continued 
his family history, drawing the most flattering and pathetic 
pictures of his own crushed existence while like an eagle 
he found himself mated with a hen, anfi that a very common 
one. 

Miss Mettle was not much interested in hearing him en- 
large on his own family history, after her curiosity had 
been satisfied, so she would recall him to the present when 
his fulsome praises of herself and her enterprises were 


Carpenters May Come and Go 65 

enough to sicken any one not possessing an abnormally 
large capacity for adulation. 

Perhaps some of my readers may be interested to know 
where I was during this deeply affecting interview. Some 
of the time I was in my own room and again I was in the 
same apartment with the speakers. To Mr. Grout space, 
vacuity arid myself were looked upon as identical. A 
room occupied only by me was empty in his estimation and 
the idea of bowing to or recognizing me or stopping whist- 
ling or humming in my presence he would have scouted at 
as worse than the silly vagaries of crazy persons who ad- 
dress creatures of their imagination. Hence I felt at liberty 
to go or come as I pleased, which was a state of affairs with 
its advantages, especially when there were duties to be ac- 
complished in the room he occupied. 

^Tt is such a noble undertaking, this girls’ club!” ex- 
claimed the deep, rich bass fervently, ^^Dut a great ^re- 
sponsibility. You need some one to help you share it;” 
this in the tenderest, most insinuating manner. 

^^You think so, do you?” asked Miss Mettle coquetting. 
^^Somebody with experience in ministerial affairs, eh ?” 

^^Ugh! that viper of a rector! There is nothing but 
poisonous stings awaiting the person who places any con- 
fidence in him. If the air does not become thick with 
your maledictions on his head before you get through pay- 
ing him his thirty per cent. I shall be greatly mistaken.” 

shall pay him his thirty per cent, interest when I. am 
perfectly ready and not before. And if you cared for me as 
you pretend you would pay up your two hundred dollars 
subscription and lend me the money to pay back the rector 
at no per cent.” 

That was an announcement which took the breath out of 
the body of the august member of Congress for at least two 
minutes. It was such a complete reversing of the order of 


66 


Three Fair Philanthropists 

proceedings he had mapped out in his mind. He hoped 
Miss Mettle might be persuaded to show her affection for 
him by the amount she lent him, and here — but he was 
used to having things work contrary — there was his 
mother-in-law working contrary for the past year ! He 
felt it was rather hard on a man to have affairs take such 
an unfortunate turn. Still he did not feel discouraged. 
But he was plunged in deep reflection and his mood of 
love-making was dispelled. 

I have time and space only to give one more incident in 
connection with the uncomfortable days of repairing and 
making ready for the vrork of the season. 

When Miss Mettle and I engaged the workmen who were 
to take the places of Patrick Brodigan O’Flanagan and 
his associates we noticed that they were Germans, but both 
Miss Mettle and myself were acquainted with that tongue, 
so we succeeded in making ourselves understood, and if we 
could have foreseen what an amount of interference they 
were to be saved by their ignorance of the English language 
we should have had less hesitation in making the engage- 
ment. The next morning the premises were visited by the 
city board of health, to whom the flying carpenters had 
reported what they had heard in regard to the smallpox. 
That would have been enough to have frightened the new 
men away had they understood English. Then later in the 
day Miss Hopper appeared. What prevented her jugular 
vein from bursting and the veins in her forehead from be- 
coming useless as unbroken passages for the blood will al- 
ways be a mystery to me. She looked at those men as 
though she was ready to devour them one and all on the 
spot. 

^^hat are you doing here?” she asked, stamping her 
foot imperiously at the largest of the stolid looking Dutch- 
men. He surveyed her much as one would imagine the ox 


Carpenters May Come and Go 67 

in the fable looked at the fly, with an amused expression, 
saying, ^^Yah — so/^ 

^^But you have no business to be here,” she continued 
nearly choking with rage. ^^Who engaged you? Mrs. 
Winn! Mrs. Winn!” But I had discreetly withdrawn. 

There is little use in trying to describe the countenance 
of the German carpenter so full of undisturbed amuse- 
ment. 

‘^Das ist richt 1” he nodded by way of encouragement. 

^^Stop, stop, arettez, arettez (oh, what is the nasty old 
German for stop) ; you must not work any more. I’ll have 
you all arrested and put in prison and have your heads 
chopped off. Do you hear?” 

^^Yah — so,” returned the imperturbable German. 

^^ell, I’ll just go home and get my German phrasebook, 
and I’ll come back and make your hair rise.” 

So saying she left them but she changed her mind about 
returning with her phrasebook. 


68 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


CHAPTER VI. 

EX-CONGRESSMAN" K. ROUNDOUT GROUT’S EARLY LIFE. 

In ORDER to the proper comprehension of the events 
which will be recorded in these pages it is necessary to 
take a bird’s-eye view of the previous history of that em- 
inent individual who has been introduced to the reader 
under the highly euphonious title of Mr. K. Eoundout 
Grout. 

In his personal appearance there was nothing to dis- 
tinguish him from a large class of florid-faced, corpulent, 
bald-headed gentlemen, whose coarseness of hair and com- 
plexion give a true index to their characters. 

If equal parts of vanity, pomposity, ignorance, selflsh- 
ness, unscrupulous over-reaching, cowardice, tyrannical 
interference, with a pinch of good nature and a small 
dusting of humor, could be compounded the moral part 
of this gentleman would be the result. It is not a cheer- 
ful reflection to think in whose workshop such compounds 
are constantly in great numbers being prepared. 

It became a fundamental principle with young Grout 
when he arrived at years of discretion to make himself a 
fortune with as little labor as possible. He was horn 
in a small town in Hew Hampshire and his father pur- 
sued the honest but laborious calling of a cobbler. His 
mother was a vain, partial woman, who thought she dis- 
covered in her eldest son, Knox, those latent but phenom- 
enal qualities which one day would be sure to bring him 
to the White House as chief executive of the nation. 


69 


Grout’s Early Life 

She, therefore, set about, after the fashion of many an- 
other fond parent, making her son just as unfit for any 
position of honor as it was possible, by allowing 
him his way in everything, making his brothers and 
sisters accede to his slightest expressed wish and using all 
of the family exchequer that could be spared for his more 
extravagant tastes. The main foundations upon which 
she erected her brilliant air castles for the future of her 
son were his dashing manners and deep, resonant voice. 

It is unnecessary to follow the career of this gentleman 
previous to his entrance into the Islip household, which 
was effected in the following manner. 

Forty-second street was just beginning to develop into 
the wonderful thoroughfare it is to-day. Vacant lots 
marred the beauty of its present unbroken lines of brick 
and mortar, but the ceaseless fiow of humanity to and from 
the railroad center, as waters from some hidden mysterious 
spring, was then as now a marked characteristic of this 
spacious street. An unusual throng was surging to and 
fro one day when young Grout was walking toward the 
depot, undecided as to whether to remain in the city, where 
his fortunes had been fluctuating and of late very bad, or 
return to his native village and work at his fathers 
cobbleFs bench. 

Suddenly a scuffle between two men disturbed the even 
passage of pedestrians and a sharp cry of ^^Stop him! 
Stop the villain! He’s robbed me!” as one of the men 
broke away from the other sent a cold chill through the 
frames of passers-by. We have seen how the first in- 
stinct of the Grout of the period in which this story 
was written was to ply his heels when danger threatened, 
and how much more that was his policy earlier in life 
this incident will prove. 

If he had run along with the crowd the consequences 


70 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


might not have been what they were; but it never seemed 
to occur to him to try to accomplish anything by his 
flight except to get out of harm's way, else he would 
have thought of trying to capture the rogue about whom 
there was such an outcry. A vacant lot a little in front 
of him seemed to offer speedy means of getting away 
from danger, so across this place he dashed. Policemen 
have to bear a great deal of blame, but no person can 
feel that the officer was culpable who, hearing an outcry 
of ^^Stop, thief!" and seeing a man make frantic efforts 
to get away from something, proceeded on the convic- 
tion that the thief and the runaway were the same per- 
son. In consequence of such reasoning on the part of 
an officer our runaway hero was walked off to a station 
house to await the arrival of his accuser. 

^^Do you recognize in the prisoner at the bar the clerk 
who absconded with your property?" asked the judge of 
a man under medium height, evidently a gentleman, as 
that term is used to denote property and social position. 

^^Oh, no; no, certainly not!" he replied in an unsteady 
voice. 

‘‘'There, didn't I tell you !" roared Grout in his deepest, 
most stentorian tones, which caused Mr. Islip, the gentle- 
man before liim, to jump violently. “And do you think 
I shall submit without restitution to such ignominious 
treatment? Here I have lost my train, my plans are all 
disarranged, business upset," etc., etc., thundered young 
Grout, and the more he perceived that his hearer v/as 
impressed with his oratorical powers the more vigorously 
he used them, until Mr. Islip drew out a twenty-dollar 
bill and, handing it to him, asked his aggrieved highness 
to dinner. 

This proved the tide in the affairs of young Grout 
which he took at the flood and it led him to fortune. 


71 


Grout’s Early Life 

He omitted nothing that might, however remotely, affect 
his upward progress. 

At the dinner to which Mr. Islip invited him the host 
became so communicative (as the result of an extra pota- 
tion of French brandy) he confided to Grout the secret 
of the quarrel between himself and his clerk. There was 
an invention left in Mr. Islip’s care by a sick friend. 
The friend would in all probability die and Mr. Islip 
with his clerk had started for Albany to obtain a patent 
without waiting for the final act in his life’s tragedy. 
The clerk, thinking the profits of this invention would 
be better suited to his requirements undivided, took the 
clumsy way of appropriating them we have already de- 
scribed. But he was unsuccessful. His pursuers were 
so close upon him he dropped the parcel containing the 
invention to save himself. Mr. Islip’s suggestion that 
young Grout take the place of the missing clerk was read- 
ily acceded to. The two men visited first Albany and 
then Washington and speedily completed the arrange- 
ments for bringing the invention before the public. For 
a short season the returns from this business venture 
were more than they expected. Mr. Grout, who was 
about thirty-five, married the only child of his senior 
partner and was established in a handsome brownstone 
house on Madison avenue. 

But no sooner did he find himself thus comfortably 
settled than he began to be visited by longings for a 
seat in his country’s legislative halls. Of course patriot- 
ism pure and simple could be the only motive to operate 
with a m.an of such high principles as vie have shown this 
young man to be. We have pointed out how eager he 
had always been for hard work, so undoubtedly he desired 
the position that he might achieve some noble reform; 
or with his indifference to gain he might have wished 


72 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


to protect the public treasury from those unscrupulous 
persons who blossom out into millionaires after but a 
short planting in the soil adjacent to the public bins. 
Whatever were his motives, the accomplishment of his 
object he found to be no easy task. In the fashionable 
world he had taken his place in the very foremost rank. 
Indeed few would have cared to have stood in front of 
him and had their heels exposed to his merciless tread; 
but it W'as hard for him nevertheless to inspire the un- 
fashionable world (which, by the way, is much the larger) 
with confidence. Not that he withheld any of his wife’s 
money that he could get hold of at election time. No one 
could accuse him of parsimony then, whatever they 
might think of him when household expenses were to 
be settled. Indeed his fondness for the gaming table and 
for congressional honors had brought the family to the 
brink of bankruptcy many a time and the Islip family 
were convinced that Mrs. Grout’s years were shamefully 
shortened by the discovery, after her husband’s an- 
nouncement of his success at a certain election, that ver}^ 
Ijttle remained to the family beside the house and furni- 
ture. But that good lady retaliated by not closing her 
eyes on earthly scenes until she had secured every re- 
maining cent to her boy, a baby of two years, and ap- 
pointing her father as his guardian. 

Thus the Honorable K. Roundout Grout finds himself 
in about as tight a place in regard to money when our 
story opens as any he had been called upon to fill during 
his varied and ofttimes penniless career. The torturing 
thought assails him once and again, ^^Shall I be driven 
to working on a salary?” He was not troubled by the 
companion thought, ^^But whom can I find with mind 
sufficiently weakened to offer me a place?” If he had 


73 


Grout’s Early Life 

asked himself that question he must have been forced to 
answer, ^^Nobody but my father-in-law.” 

That worthy relative rented the house once occupied 
by his daughter and her husband and applied the pro- 
ceeds faithfully to the future enrichment of his grand- 
child. The money from the stolen patent did not con- 
tinue to flow in very regularly, for the friend did not die 
as he had predicted, but lived a feeble invalid; and even 
though he was cumbered with poverty and feeble health 
the litigation he was able to keep up prevented the con- 
tinuation of the rich money harvest. The name of this 
friend remained a secret within the breast of Mr. Islip. 


74 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


CHAPTER VII. 

AGNES DEARBORN LOSES A POSITION, BUT FINDS A LOVER. 

My interest and admiration for Agnes Dearborn in- 
creased with every interview. The chord she struck in 
my being was far different from any that had been set 
vibrating before, for although I had made warm friends 
among my pupils while a teacher there had always been 
lacking the element of dependence on their part and pro- 
tection on mine which adds unspeakable sweetness to such 
relations. 

The oases in the desert of my uncomfortable life at 
this time were those seasons when I was allowed refresh- 
ing draughts of sincere friendship from companionship 
with this dear girl. Looking in her eyes I felt them to 
be my twin north stars, which cheered and brought me 
hope and courage in spite of storm and tempest. Truly 
I felt like exclaiming with Thoreau: ^‘What loving 
astronomer has ever fathomed the ethereal depths of the 
human eye?” And when I found from out these depths 
there looked a spirit still more beautiful I was inspired 
with fresh loathing for untruth, pretension, hypocrisy 
and every evil thing that has a tendency to make the 
character less noble than God intended. 

While the repairs were progressing the club rooms 
were closed to every one but Agnes. She came to see 
me or I went to see her every day. Toward the close of 
the week of absence allowed her I wanted to give her 


Agnes Dearborn Finds a Lover 


75 


a surprise and I drove down to her lodgings and invited 
her and her father to take a ride with me in the park. 
It was a glorious day in the fall and under the genial 
influences of sun and sympathetic company they told me 
more of their previous history than ever before. They 
had, like myself, known better days, at one time having 
owned a country seat on the Hudson. Agnes’s mother 
had died when the child was too young to remember her, 
and the father had supplied the place of both parents. 
The bond between the two was unusually strong. 

^^Oh, father, dear,” sighed the daughter as we drew up 
in front of their humble quarters at the end of the after- 
noon, ‘flf you could spend more afternoons like this, you 
would soon be well. And if you only had a daughter 
who could earn a little more, you might. I must try 
to get something to do evenings so as to have a little 
extra.” 

am perfectly satisfied with my daughter and think 
she is doing enough without undertaking anything more,” 
returned the father, looking proudly and fondly at his 
lovely child. 

should think, Agnes,” I interposed, ^That it would 
be so much more convenient for your father to be on the 
lower floor in order to get out easier that you would change 
your rooms. With your salary I should think you might 
manage.” 

^^So I might, dear Mrs. Winn, if I only had to pay our 
board and buy our clothing; but alas, our affairs are in 
such a condition I am obliged to pay lawyers’ fees be- 
sides.” 

^^What a pity,” I replied, ‘Vhen you need the money 
so much. There is something so'hopeless about ever fin- 
ishing with litigation.” 

^^Oh, but we shall be through in the course of a year.” 


76 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


^‘Better add, you hope,” interposed Mr. Dearborn. 

“Then father will have his rights and we can live more 
comfortably.” 

The following day, about noon, Agnes was to begin 
her duties. I thought with a sigh how much less I could 
see her — only in the evening, and then when a crowd 
was around. Musty old account books would be absorb- 
ing the life and vitality from those lovely eyes. 

In the midst of my reflections the door opened and the 
subject of my thoughts stood before me, but how changed ! 
Her eyes were red with weeping, her cheeks were ghastly 
pale and the fine skin was drawn tense over the cheek- 
bone, indicating great mental anguish. 

“My child,” I said, rising and going to her, “what has 
happened ?” 

“Oh, Mrs. Winn,” she moaned, “IVe lost it ! What 
shall I do? What shall I do?” 

I heard a step on the stair which made me draw the 
poor darling into my room and partly close the door before 
I asked for an explanation. 

As soon as she could command her voice for weeping 
she said: 

“I have lost my position ! When I went down to begin 
just now one of the partners in the firm met me and said 
my place had been filled permanently.” 

“But, Agnes, was he the one who had given you per- 
mission to be absent?” 

“No, and when I asked to see that one, I was told he 
was in the West on business and would not return for 
several months.” 

“Well, I suppose in such a large city there is more 
than one such place to be had.” 

“Yes, but it takes so long to find them, and for every 
vacancy there are so many applicants. What will poor 


Agnes Dearborn Finds a Lover 77 

father do when I tell him? I cannot bear to think of 
it P 

There was something so heartrending in her grief 
that I, who only give way to tears at rare intervals, was 
completely overcome. I drew her head down onto my 
shoulder and pressed her to me in token of my unspoken 
sympathy, while I turned my head away and wiped my 
eyes that she might not know how deeply I was affected 
and the sight discourage her. Thus for some time the 
silence was only broken by Agnesis sobs. As these grew 
less frequent my naturally active disposition began to 
assert itself. At last I said: 

^^Dear Agnes, surely there is something to be done. 
We can bring some influence to bear on that hard-hearted 
man. Let me think. His business is wholesale fancy 
goods. Mettle, Shaw & Co. must trade with him in 
their large retail every-kind-of-goods establishment, or 
Denny & Fish, on Fourteenth street, would be good cus- 
tomers with their large millinery trade. That’s just it! 
We will ask either of those young ladies to go with us 
to talk to the man. Nothing they could write would 
have the effect of a personal interview. So cheer up, 
darling! I will go out into the back room for a little 
piece of ice and after you have had a cool drink and 
washed your eyes we will start right off.” 

I did not see any one as I started to walk through 
the long room (or rooms they might be called) belonging 
to the club, but I heard some one hastily clear his throat 
and say, ^'Mrs. Winn,” in a voice scarcely above a whis- 
per. I looked round and to my surprise saw Kipp Gras- 
sey. He was nearly as agitated as when he was trying 
to add up the lengthy sums in addition while Miss Denny’s 
collaborator in the treasury department. He had evi- 
dently run his hand thi'ough his hair forward and back 


78 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


in a way seriously to confuse its tendency to lie in any 
particular direction and consequently it stood upright. 

‘‘I say now, Mrs. Winn/’ he began, somewhat embar- 
rassed, now that he found himself before me. ^^Can’t a 
fellow help, you know?” 

I must have looked at him as an impudent intruder, 
which truth compels me to say was my first thought, 
when he added in explanation: 

^^Miss Denny promised to meet me here and go for a 
drive, you know; and I could not help hearing what you 
said in there. I never felt so broke up in my life be- 
fore. It is really a terrible thing to lose a position at 
this time in the year, Mrs. Winn. But you hit it when 
you proposed going for Miss Mettle or Miss Denny. A 
very clever idea, Mrs. Winn. My dogcart is just out- 
side, and I will ride up for Miss Mettle, while Miss Denny 
will be along any time.” 

I begrudged giving Mr. Grassey the privilege of serv- 
ing Agnes in any way, but I thought the young lady 
might find it pleasanter to come in his turnout, 
and one or the other certainly would be on hand sooner. 
The possibility of their objecting to render what aid they 
could never entered into my calculations. I sat down 
to write a note to Miss Mettle, as Mr. Grassey preferred 
the principal facts in the case to be on paper, so that 
his treacherous memory need not be taxed. 

"Tor if I should forget anything hanging would be 
too good for me !” he exclaimed hotly. 

While I was thus engaged I noticed Mr. Grassey ap- 
peared restless, but not till afterward did I find out 
through what a crisis he was passing. Do not smile, gen- 
tle reader, for it was a serious matter. This young dude, 
whose warmest affection had hitherto been expended on 
his waistcoats and cravats, was having the truth brought 


Agnes Dearborn Finds a Lover 79 


suddenly and overwhelmingly home to his soul of the 
existence of something higher and nobler to love. It 
could not be called love at first sight, for Mr. Grassey 
had seen Agnes several times before. But it would have 
been impossible to mistake the symptoms for that of any 
other malady. There was the feverish longing to gaze 
upon the beloved object and the attempt to simulate an 
indifferent regard of space when detected in such rapt 
glances. There were the blushes succeeded by the pallor 
which indicated an unsteadiness in the movements of the 
heart not to be overcome by the ordinary medicaments 
used in diseases of that organ. 

As soon as the note was finished Mr. Grassey seized it 
and left the room. But he returned almost immediately 
and said: 

‘‘Oh, Mrs. Winn, I forgot to ask you where you would 
be when I returned?^’ 

“Where I would be?” I repeated in astonishment, 
noticing that Mr. Grassey was edging around till he 
could get a good view of Agnes. When he accomplished 
this and was conscious I was glaring in disapproval upon 
him, he sent his gaze off into space to feign the uncon- 
sciousness he certainly did not feel. 

After being assured that we should not leave that 
place until his return, which I intimated in emphatic 
terms could not be too soon, he again left, only to return 
the second time, and when he saw Agnes had changed 
her place and was in front of the door, he stammered : 

“Mrs. — er — er — Mrs. Winn, may I — er — er — see you — 
er-— er — at the door?” 

It never takes me very long to get to any particular 
spot, and being out of patience with the young man, I 
was perhaps unusually rapid in my movements. It may 
have been due to my unexpected precipitancy that he re- 
plied to my inquiring: 


80 Three Fair Philanthropists 


“Well?” 

wished to say slapping his knee impatiently; 

“oh, I wanted to tell you that (I really pitied his 

poor head on account of the thumps it received from the 
stiff rim of his beaver.) “Now, you know, Mrs. Winn, 
it has gone from me, just what I did mean to say. Can 
you think 

“I guess you meant to say you would not be away five 
minutes, eh, Mr. Grassey?^^ pulling out my watch. “It 
is just two o’clock now. We will see how long you are 
gone.” 

“All right. I am sure you’ve hit it as you always do ! 

I will see if I cannot be back in less time than you ex- » 
pect.” * 

In my note to Miss Mettle I stated the facts regarding 
Agnes’s loss of position as truthfully and strongly as 
I could. I blotted the page with my tears as I pictured 
the great calamity it would be to her and her helpless 
father to be without work. I was very careful to put my 
request for her presence with us, while calling at the 
office of the firm in the form of a question, asking if she 
could think of any better way. Still, as I sat thinking the 
matter over after Mr. Grassey’s departure I was dissatis- 
fied. I wished I had gone with him. “It is so much 
better to attend to such things in person !” I kept saying 
as I uneasily walked from one window to another that 
I might catch a glimpse of the return of the familiar 
dogcart. “At all events, I shall have a personal inter- 
view with Miss Denny, though of the two characters 
Miss Mettle’s is so much the stronger it would be safer 
to have the latter.” 

I kept Agnes in my room with the door closed, because 
I felt I could talk more freely if she were not by. 

Scarce five minutes had sped away when my impatience 


Agnes Dearborn Finds a Lover 81 


was relieved by having Miss Denny appear. My heart 
misgave me as I discovered the mood this nsually flip- 
pant, airy creature was in. Good reader, have you ever 
seen young ladies who sometimes have their costumes of 
such a character that they remind you of the springiness 
of a ballet dancer’s skirts? If so, you can understand 
the general effect of Miss Denny’s appearance at this 
time. The change from the close-clinging robes of the 
a'sthete in which I last saw her swathed was very great. 
Now her every movement was followed by an answering 
quiver from some part of her gay-colored attire. But 
there was a dark cloud on her brow and I learned she 
had Just come from an interview with her dressmaker. 

only wish I had boxed her impudent little ears !” she 
ejaculated half under her breath. ‘^Think of her insist- 
ing she could not help keeping me waiting a whole day 
for this! And then refusing to see any defects in it, 
with that wrinkle under the arm. Here, Mrs. Winn, see 
if you can tell why this dress wrinkles?” 

I looked and replied: 

can think of no better reason than that your flesh 
wrinkles. You could hardly expect your dressmaker 
to improve on your Creator. I should call that a very 
fine fit if it were not so tight.” 

^Tight! Why, it’s altogether too loose. My maid 
was able to get it together without using the contractor, 
the best invention of the age for bringing dresses new 
and unshaped together.” 

I felt so helpless as I 'looked upon this vain, giddy 
creature twisting and turning before the mirror. How 
could I interest her, or even change the conversation into 
the channel I was longing to have it run ? 

After a few minutes of unbroken silence, in which all 
the attitudes and poses that the mind of a melo-dramatic 


82 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


star of the first magnitude could suggest had been struck, 
a question which she asked opened the way for me. 

‘^Where is Mr. Grassey?” 

^^He has gone for Miss Mettle.” 

‘^How is that, when he asked me to ride with him?” 
very sad case has come to our notice 

^‘Why did you not send it to the charity organization, 
Mrs. Winn? We don’t mean to hold ourselves in readi- 
ness to attend to all the sad cases.” 

^'But, Miss Denny,” I urged, my desperation assisting 
me to maintain a placid exterior, '^there is only once in a 
while a case like this, where the personal influence of 
friends will perhaps be able to ward off a calamity which 
nothing else will prevent. Let me tell you about it.” 

‘No, you need not. I do not care to hear. You have 
been very officious in sending Mr. Grassey off when he 
ought to have been here to keep his engagement with 
me.” 

“Well, you have not had to wait for him very long,” 
1 replied, as Mr. Grassey entered. He wore a very 
solemn look as he handed me a note. 

“What! could you not bring Miss Mettle, either!” I 
stammered. 

“You must think we are a couple of simpletons. And 
let me tell you, Kipp Grassey, I do not like to be kept 
waiting in this style.” 

“Ah, you don’t; I object to it generally, but I have 
not minded to-day. The next time we will both try and 
do better, eh?” 

“But it is not too late to go now. It is only half-past 
three.” 

“Yes — er — er — ^but my man says one of my horses is 
not very well and — er — er — so I thought we would not 
go.” 


Agnes Dearborn Finds a Lover 83 

you are so tender of your horses! Well, I will 
ride up with you as far as your stable and go to see 
my sister who lives a couple blocks above.” 

should be very happy, but one of my horses must 
have a new shoe, and I shall not go right up to the stable, 
so I’ll say ^good afternoon.’ ” 

If I should pretend that I grieved at Miss Denny’s 
disappointment I should say what was very far from the 
truth. Therefore all remarks on the subject will be 
omitted. 

^^Oh, Kipp Grassey is such a detestable creature !” Miss 
Denny snapped out to the looking-glass as she turned on 
his departure to view the one wrinkle and to resume the 
abuse of her dressmaker for its presence. 

I took the note from Miss Mettle to read the second 
time, in order to give my wits a chance to recover from 
the shock of disappointment conveyed by its contents. 
I give it below, not for its display of literary ability, but 
to show how peculiarly fitted Miss Mettle was to hold 
the position of president of a society whose object was 
benevolence and the elevation of the masses. 

^^Dear Mrs. Winn: 

^^You cannot expect me to try and get positions for 
all the working girls in Christendom, nor to try and keep 
those in who through stupidity or neglect lose what they 
already possess. You ask me if I do not think it best to 
go to the member of the firm and try to get this girl taken 
back. By no means. We would gain the reputation of 
meddlers in other people’s affairs. This girl must learn 
not to absent herself from her place of business if she 
wishes to keep her position. I enclose some soup tickets 
and some tracts on ^How to Succeed in Life.’ Use them 
as you think best. Do not write me very often. I have 


84 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


almost lost my hairdresser by being obliged through Kipp 
Grassey’s importunities to answer this. Hastily, 

A. M.” 

^^This girl must learn not to absent herself from her 
place of business if she wishes to keep her position,” 
kept ringing in my ears, and the fine appreciation of 
services rendered in the sentiment filled me with unspeak- 
able amazement and indignation! Was it wicked for 
me to wish just for one second that ^^this girl” had 
learned enough of selfish care for her own well being to 
have allowed the illustrious philanthropist’s heels to be 
singed by the fire that had been the cause of her own 
disastrous absence? But it was only for a second, and 
then I was ready to offer a song of praise that Agnes 
was no other than the dear, unselfish girl she had proved 
herself. 

Jacob on his lonely stone* pillow at Bethel could not 
have felt any more perplexed or disheartened than I did 
at this juncture of affairs; but not to him alone was 
vouchsafed a realizing sense of the wonderful truth that 
the distance between earth and heaven is spanned by a 
ladder whereon ministering spirits ascend and descend 
in performing God’s will. I shall always feel that over 
that ladder was sent to me an angel to whisper in my ear 
the name of Mrs. Conrad. It is certain that from no 
earthly source could the impulse to go to this lady have 
come to me, for our acquaintance was so slight that after 
my mind was fully made up to go to her I trembled with 
apprehension at what she might think of my presumption. 
But the same influence which prompted me to seek her evi- 
dently prepared her to listen and undertake my cause. 

She was dressing for a wedding reception, the servant 
told us, and there was but slight prospect she could see 


Agnes Dearborn Finds a Lover 


85 


US. But on going to her mistress the girl returned with 
word that if I could wait fifteen minutes Mrs. Conrad 
would come down. 

‘‘Yes, she will come down/’ I thought, “but, under 
the circumstances she will only be able to give us a few 
words of excellent advice and not lend us the aid of her 
personal presence, which would be so much more effective.” 
I had reason to repent such murmurings, however, a few 
minutes later. 

“I am so glad, Mrs. Winn, that you have come to me 
in your trouble,” Mrs. Conrad rejoined, after greeting 
both Agnes and myself most cordially and listening with 
earnest solicitude to my story. “My husband has had 
legal transactions with that firm, and I think they will 
be willing to listen to me.” 

“But, dear Mrs. Conrad, you do not think we are so 
selfish as to wish you to give up your engagement for us.” 

“There is no need of my giving up my engagement. 
If I go with you first, it will only make me a little later, 
which is a matter of no consequence whatever. But even 
if I had to stay away entirely, I should be so much hap- 
pier to think of having done all in my power for this 
dear girl. Don’t cry, my child,” she continued, laying 
her hand caressingly on Agnes’s shoulder. “My carriage 
is at the door and will take us to the store as soon as I 
have a longer outer garment brought to me to cover up 
my inappropriate finery.” 

The long outer garment made quite a transformation 
in Mrs. Conrad’s appearance. She was a person whose 
French extraction was noticeable in her dark hair and 
bright, black eyes, and she had in a marked degree the 
French faculty of dressing with taste, but she also seemed 
to aim at changing her personality by a change of rai- 
ment, and the long, slightly rusty pelisse that soon cov- 


86 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


ered the rich brocade and gems made the handsome woman 
and leader of the best New York social circles look like a 
thrifty book agent or an energetic hoarding-house matron 
on the war path for the best the market affords at the 
lowest figure. I think Mrs. Conrad assumed this cos- 
tume on purpose to first try her ability to move the stub- 
born man of business by the mere force of her personal 
will unaided by exterior surroundings. 

We were not long driving from the home of our kind 
friend to the store Agnes had but lately left. The coach- 
man received instructions to put his horses to their best 
speed, but go as fast as he might he could not outstrip 
a certain dogcart which first passed us, its owner peering 
anxiously into the carriage, and in so doing narrowly 
escaping collision with a Fifth avenue stage; then, fall- 
ing behind a short distance, it overtook us on the op- 
posite side of the way. I did not want Agnes to recog- 
nize it, and I saw by watching her that there was no 
danger. Poor girl ! she was not seeing anything but a 
future into which not a ray of light seemed to penetrate. 
Not even Mrs. Conrad's exclamation, 'T should think 
that man in the dogcart wanted us to run over him, ho 
dashes around so promiscuously!'' aroused her. She did 
not turn her head to see who the man in the dogcart 
-was. I thought that for horses not well nor properly 
shod, Mr. Grassey was making his keep unusually fast 
time, and when I got a chance I frowned darkly at him, 
but he returned the stern look with a low bow, and lift- 
ing his hat from his head he raised his eyebrows as much 
as to ask where we were going. I was glad neither of 
my companions saw the pantomime, and I carefully 
avoided looking in his direction again. 

On reaching our destination, Mrs. Conrad inquired 
for Mr. Damon, the member of the firm whom Agnes 


Agnes Dearborn Finds a Lover 


87 


had just seen. With her long wrap buttoned up close 
to her chin, she approached the gentleman in question 
and begun the colloquy thus: 

^^This is Mr. Damon, I suppose?*’ 

The gentleman turned and seeing some one whom he 
probably expected to hand him a volume to inspect (not 
having caught sight of Agnes), answered: 

^^Yes, but 1 am very busy. Please state your errand 
as briefly as possible.” 

called, Mr. Damon,” Mrs. Conrad returned, ^To 
plead the cause of Miss Agnes Dearborn, who has been 
your bookkeeper for some time, I believe, and whose un- 
fortunate absence has resulted in her permanent dis- 
missal. I hope you will reconsider your decision in re- 
gard to her case, for her loss of position will bring the 
greatest sorrow into her home. She has an aged, invalid 
father, who depends entirely on her for support.” 

Mr. Damon, a tall, gaunt man, rose from his chair as 
Mrs. Conrad finished her remarks, looked us all over and, 
finding himself wrong on the book agent supposition, was 
evidently inclined to the boarding-house keeper theory. 
He did not ask us to be seated, but insolently rejoined: 

‘Tf you feel so deeply for Miss Dearborn, why do you 
not take her into business with yourself?” 

^Tor whom do you mistake me, sir?” exclaimed Mrs. 
Conrad, opening her wrap and appearing in the full flush 
of her wedding reception toilet. ^^There is my card, and 
I think you will admit, after you see the name, that such 
unhandsome treatment and insinuations are somewhat 
misplaced.” 

most humbly beg your pardon, Mrs. Conrad,” re- 
joined Mr. Damon, his chagrin turning his face fairly 
green, ^^but why did you not let me know who you were? 


88 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


Do be seated/’ and he obsequiously vacated his arm-chair 
for Mrs. Conrad and fairly ran to get seats for us. 

^^Don’t trouble yourself, Mr. Damon/’ replied the lady. 
^‘We do not wish to be seated. All I want of you is to 
take this young lady back, as your brother promised to, 
with an increase of twenty-five dollars a month salary.” 

^^Oh, certainly, Mrs. Conrad, if you will promise not 
to say anything about this unfortunate interview.” 

Mrs. Conrad assured him she was as ashamed as he to 
find out how little he was moved by genuine regard for 
another’s sufferings, and if he would sign a contract, to 
be witnessed by Mrs. Winn and herself, insuring Miss 
Dearborn her position and increase of salary, she would 
bind herself to say nothing about what had happened. 

As we reached the street a large bunch of beautiful 
jacqueminot roses were thrust into my hands and, glancing 
around, Mr. Grassey asked me in an undertone: 

^^May I give them to her?” 

^^Yes, for her father,” I replied. 


The Three F. P.’s Peculiar Methods 89 


CHAPTER VIII. 

THE THREE F. P/S DEFINE THEIR PECULIAR METHODS. 

Miss Mettle, as president of the Working Girls’ Club, 
announced her intention of having sole charge of affairs 
for the first week. 

will see that it has a good start, at all events, and then 
if you girls do not keep up to the high standard that I mean 
to establish it will not be my fault.” 

^^High standard, indeed!” sneered Miss Hopper. ^The 
chances are you will have things in such a muddle that no 
one will be able to do anything after you. If you do not 
get the girls all ablaze and then turn the fire department 
on them they may be very thankful.” 

^^Ha, ha, ha,” laughed Miss Denny, winking one of her 
sharp black eyes, ^^if she has the same effect on the working 
girls that she seems to on you, Annie Hopper, those that 
come after her will feel as though they had to work in a 
hive of enraged bees.” 

will thank you, Grace Denny, to mind your own af- 
fairs! You can’t be expected to understand the feelings 
of a girl of spirit! Such a giddy butterfly as you are is 
only fit to tread on one toe and fan herself with a cob- 
web.” 

‘‘I hope you don’t think I pay any attention to what 
such a snapping turtle says. I had a thousand times 
rather spend my days twirling on one toe, when I can do 
it so well” (and here she arose and executed her favorite 
pas) ^^than be noted for being such a verbal cannibal !” 


90 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


^^Stop calling each other names and let ns talk over 
some plans and methods of procedure. For, after the first 
week, you will both have to take your turns at having 
charge.’^ 

“Well, when my brow is encircled with the diadem of 
authority,” said Miss Flopper, “I shall see that the girls 
are taught poetry and art and perhaps a little higher math- 
ematics and the sciences; but poetry and art are the best 
means of elevating the masses. There^s ‘Lalla Eookh^ now ! 
How could anybody read that beautiful tale without being 
elevated; without being lifted far above the low and de- 
basing effects of menial employment; without realizing 
that we might all be living in a state of perfect love and 
beatific enjoyment — if people were not so contrary, so de- 
termined to be poor and miserable and make other people 
take care of them.” 

“Oh, fiddle-dee-dee!” exclaimed Miss Mettle. “Every- 
body in love raves over ^Lalla Eookh’; but, as for myself, 
IM rather do a sum in arithmetic any day than read a 
verse of it, and as for giving such moonshine to the girls 
to read, you might just as well try to feed buffaloes on ice 
cream. Now, I feel as if the unmannerliness, imperti- 
nence, ignorance and viciousness that we shall have to en- 
counter has to be met with firm, unflinching, perhaps he- 
roic, treatment. We shall have to act the part of tamers 
and trainers.” 

“What absolute nonsense!” exclaimed Miss Denny. 
“Neither of you understand what is needed! These poor 
girls are just suffering for amusement, and when I have the 
chair they are going to dance and play cards and have a 
grand, good time ! I guess we’d find it hard work to get 
along if we could go to but one entertainment in an 
evening, and perhaps only one in the week! Then they 
will dress better, if I have to get my minister to take up a 


The Three F, P.’s Peculiar Methods 91 


collection on tlie Sabbath ; for it’s impossible to take much 
interest in life with an old dud of a gown on.” 

I sat in my room with the door open while the above con- 
versation was in progress. The tones of these three fair 
philanthropists, which never lacked in carrying quality, 
always grew especially pronounced when they were alone or 
when nobody but myself was around, so it was unnecessary 
for me to look up to decide as to the personality of the 
speaker. Miss Mettle’s tones were crisp and sharp, and 
her words were uttered with all the force and unction of an 
oracle, in which character she was pleased to have others 
regard her. Sometimes the piercing quality of her hard, 
cold, steel-grey eye, followed up by the incisive tones of 
her voice, reminded me of those ancient instruments of 
warfare, the battering ram and the catapult. 

But we must not linger so long over superficial descrip- 
tions of these profound wrestlers with the intricate and 
illusive problems of philanthropy when their actual deeds 
are ready for our consideration. For at length the wagon 
we have awaited with so much patience is ready — the 
wheels are properly lubricated, the seats dusted, the whip 
brought out from its hiding place in the corner nearest the 
last refractory animal, the last anxious question asked as 
to the soundness of the leather composing the harness, the 
reins are placed in our hands, and, having obeyed the in- 
junction of the song, ^To wait for the wagon,” we will 
proceed to jump in ^^and all take a ride,” which noble meta- 
phor as applied to our case means that the club rooms were 
completed, Moorish arch, tapestry paper and all. New 
and richer velour hangings were at the v/indows and gaudy 
gilt storks were stepping with great decision over thick 
Japanese portieres. 

Word was brought to Miss Mettle that Miss Cristie’s 
club had been presented with a handsome water cooler. She 


92 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


therefore determined her own society must have a gift of 
some kind. Consequently, in an alcove appeared a life- 
size group in bronze of Abraham Lincoln Emancipating 
the Slave.^^ The card of some unknown lady was attached 
to this present, but the bill, I had reason to know, was set- 
tled from the funds of the club. 

Miss Mettle, pointing to this group with her usual mod- 
est reticence, was accustomed to say : 

Abraham Lincoln undoubtedly performed a great act in 
liberating the slaves, but it was not anything more than 
I should have done had I been president, and I know well 
enough that I could have added certain notable restrictions 
and conditions that would have made easier work for us 
philanthropists of to-day.” 

But to return to the description of the rooms. Several 
oil paintings adorned the walls that caused Miss Mettle no 
little annoyance, as they w^ere given in lieu of the sub- 
scriptions their owners had written down with great flour- 
ishes on the pages dedicated to the names of the great and 
good who never do anything with their right hand save 
when a trumpet is in their left. On the highly polished 
floors lay all kinds of costly rugs, which slipped around 
with the greatest facility, landing the startled newcomer 
on every extremity except the right ones. 

^^How is it you let them all come in before my arrival, 
Winn ?” asked Miss Mettle the first evening. 

‘^Mrs. Winn, if you have no objections,” I replied, feel- 
ing that if I was to command the respect of the girls I 
must be addressed with respect by those who considered 
themselves (far be it from me to say that I considered 
them) my superiors. 

^^ell, your most profound Majesty, Mrs. Winn, will 
you be so kind as to clear the room of these girls ? I pro- 
pose at the very staft to teach them manners. Here, give 


Tbe Three F. P.’s Peculiar Methods 93 


me that book/’ snatching a paper-covered pamphlet in 
which I had been writing the names and addresses of the 
newcomers. 

^^You commence by giving them lessons in snatching, I 
presume/’ I rejoined, somewhat tartly. 

^^Don’t talk like that. You impose on me because I am 
young and good-natured and overlook your deficiencies, 
but there is a limit to all things, even to my patience. It 
is my duty to look sharply after everything in connection 
with this undertaking. All the contents of every book 
must be known to me. I did not mean to snatch that 
book. I do not think I did. No, I am quite sure I did not. 
Then, why should you talk so disagreeably about my giving 
lessons in snatching?” 

I refrained from replying, knowing that Miss Mettle had 
worked herself up to a point where it would be folly to 
argue the matter with her. I proceeded, therefore, to mar- 
shal the girls out of the room. There were fifty of them, 
of various nationalities and degrees of attractiveness. To 
me there was a real pleasure in looking in their faces and 
reading the story of their lives, which in many cases was 
written in hard, deep lines. How happy I felt I should 
be if I could do them any good or relieve their cares. 

Miss Mettle, on the other hand, gazed at them out of 
her hard, steel-grey eyes very much as a professional lion 
tamer might have done. She never spoke to them save in 
tones of command, and when one offered a ^^good even- 
ing” she gazed at her with the look of a Medusa, as though 
the only reason she did not turn the culprit to stone was 
the sternly insurmountable one — that she could not. She 
established herself at the farther end of the room on a 
raised dais and gave her orders to me. 

^^Mrs. Winn, I mean to teach these young women man- 
ners; to begin with, I shall show them how they are to 


94 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


enter a room and how a lady may enter it ; and they must 
remember it is an unpardonable offense for them to think 
they can do as ladies do in any respect.” 

When I repeated to the girls these commands they were 
greatly modified so that no offense seemed to be given, but 
they entered into the spirit of learning manners very 
much in the same way in which they might start to hunt 
the slipper or play blind man’s buff. Two or three had 
passed through the prescribed form without remark, when 
it came the turn of an awkward German girl, who said : 

^^Oh, my ! I never see no such tings nowhere. By my 
cousin’s, where I live, they would tink I put all dose airs 
on if they see me fiddling round a door widout anything 
special to do !” 

^^Mrs. Winn, please do not interrupt by conversing with 
the girls !” came in severe tones from the raised dais. 

It was very funny to see the German. It seemed as 
though her knees had absolutely no bend to them. She 
opened the door and her curtsy to the right was the 
queerest little compound of a bob and a nod, while her 
attempt at repeating the action to the left vv^as frustrated 
by her stepping on one of the slippery rugs and going over 
like a ninepin in an alley. She was up in an instant very 
much frightened, the hairpins starting from her head in 
every direction, while her pale blue eyes under her white 
eyelashes expressed dismay. 

^^Oh, my ! I am so distonished !” she exclaimed. t’o’t 
I were doing it de right way up, but no ! it were de udder 
way quicker dan de blitzen!” 

^^That is the most outrageous behavior I ever witnessed !” 
came in still severer accents from the platform. ^^Mrs. 
Winn, tell that — ^that — I hardly know what to call her — 
to leave the room and not to return until she can learn to 
pass through that door as she should.’^ 


The Three F. P.’s Peculiar Methods 95 


Agnes/’ I whispered, ^^take that poor girl into my 
room and bathe her head.” 

The curtsies were made in every variety of manner: 
with dignity, with frivolous haste, with conscious frigid- 
ity, with perfect grace, with nipping precision, with slouchy 
carelessness, but at length they were all made. 

^^ITow, Mrs. Winn, I will show these girls how a lady 
should enter a room, but they need not imitate, only when 
I have entered let them greet me all together with the 
curtsies I have just shown them how to execute, and I will 
see how welj they remember what they have been taught.” 

I had attended an exhibition of twenty-four trained 
horses not a long time previously, and I was reminded of 
what the duty of their owner must have been as I arranged 
the girls around in a semi-circle facing the door Miss Met- 
tle was to enter. That aperture opened with a majestic 
wave of the hand. The stately form of the president of 
the club never appeared so entirely the embodiment of lofty 
pride and haughty self-complacency. Her chin was ele- 
vated to an angle of sixty degrees and her steel-grey eyes 
were fixed on some object near the ceiling. Altogether, 
there was the air of ^^See the conquering hero comes !” and 
we were just preparing, metaphorically speaking, ^To sound 
the trumpet, beat the drum,” when the statuesque out- 
lines of her noble figure were suddenly and rudely broken 
by her arms going up in the air, her hands frantically 
clutching at space (which is a very unsatisfactory means 
of support, as all who have ever tried it will he ready to 
testify), and with the same celerity of movement as the 
German, due to the same cause, she lay prostrate before 
us. The cost of laying the hardwood floors and polishing 
them had been a large item, and if I had thought she 
would have been interested in the subject just then I 
should have enjoyed asking her if she did not think the 


96 Three Fair Philanthropists 

money spent on that floor was bringing in a flne har- 
vest. 

There was a general oh — h! of surprise and consterna- 
tion from the semi-circle of girls, while the German said : 

‘‘Oh, just tinks ! Mein fraulein so pleased mit my exe- 
cutions dat she copy me, eh? So 

“Hear ze conzeted geese exclaimed a black-eyed 
French girl in a whisper. “Les Allemands,'^ with a shrug 
of infinite disdain, “nevair see person in ze Unnevair but 
zemselves! Mademoiselle copy you en verite! Ze copy 
not one person, mais ze sleep on de floor. Ze mayhap copy 
a bear, une vache un bete mais un miserable Allemand 
‘nevair !’ 

As Miss Mettle did not stir, I bent over and asked her if 
she was much hurt. Keceiving no answer, we were all 
alarmed, and at my suggestion the girls gathered round 
and assisted in moving her. I thought to myself as she 
lay there : “She is the maddest looking insensible person I 
ever had the pleasure or pain of beholding!” and I con- 
sequently was not surprised, when we were half way to the 
sofa, to have her suddenly open her eyes and say in her 
sternest tones: 

“You are moving me without sending for a physician, 
and these girls are taking hold of my beautiful silk dress 
with their dirty hands I Never mind — don’t drop me !” 

But the caution came too late. Some of the girls were 
so startled to hear her speak and others were so overpowered 
by her allusions to the state of their hands that there was 
a general letting go, and if I had not had the presence of 
mind to hold on to her head she would have had a worse 
fall than at first. As it was, she landed on her feet princi- 
pally, which, with the upward tendency I gave her head, 
enabled her, with some unseemly scuffling, to stand up- 
right. She left soon after, and, it not being quite nine 


The Three F. P.’s Peculiar Methods 97 


o’clock, I invited the girls to be seated and gave them a few 
of my thoughts on how we might improve odd moments. I 
said to myself: cannot bear to think of these girls 

coming here and only learning how to mince and bow, dip 
and curtsy in and out of a room, when a straightforward, 
natural manner which they alone could teach themselves by 
not expending so much thought on themselves would ac- 
complish their object so much better.” Consequently, I pro- 
posed that they bring something to sew, either for them- 
selves or their families. 

‘^1 used to know how to sew,” I told them, ^^and although 
the life of a teacher is not conducive to perfecting one in 
that branch of industry, perhaps I can help you. If I 
cannot, perhaps some other of your companions can.” 

This suggestion was received with approbation. The 
next evening we all saw the good of it, for Miss Mettle 
was an hour and a half late, and the girls had time to take 
a great many stitches before her appearance. 

^^What are you all doing?” she demanded as she opened 
the door. ^^Sewing ! why, I did not leave anything for you 
to sew ! and see how you are scattering threads and scraps 
over that beautiful lounge and these elegant rugs. Per- 
haps you think I spent the thousands of dollars I did on 
these apartments to make them suitable sewing rooms !” 

^^Miss Mettle, I will remove every trace of disturbance 
from these rooms in a way that will not injure anything,” 
I replied. ^^See what nice sewing some of these girls can 
do.” 

Miss Mettle put on her eyeglasses, and, after inspecting 
the work, said graciously : 

^^Why, yes, that is done very well. I think I shall have 
to get the girls to sew for me. I like to have my under- 
clothes made by hand.” 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


am sure that some of those present would be pleased 
to earn a little in that way,” I replied. 

‘'Oh, I did not mean to pay anything for it ! They do 
not pay me for my time or the use of these magnificent 
rooms, and they must be willing to render what trifling aid 
they can in return for all that is done for them.” 

Miss Mettle proceeded with her taming and training to 
the end of the week. The effects on the girls were vari- 
ous. The German continued to be “distonished” with her- 
self at her inability to preserve her equilibrium on the 
slippery floors, but she was content to replace her many 
hairpins in her straw-colored hair and try again. The 
French girl’s inmost soul was thrilled by the gorgeousness 
of her surroundings. She was ready if need were to crawl, 
nay, even to bury her small, round head, with its snap- 
ping black eyes and deep dimples, in the dust, if by so 
doing she could gain the slightest signs of approval from 
the ruling powers of the place. 

At one time Miss Mettle condescendingly put her hand 
on the girl’s hair and said : 

“A dele Yeaux, too much crimp here. You know, per- 
sons in your station are not to wear their hair in any other 
way than perfectly plain. I mean to revolutionize the ex- 
isting unwarrantable license in this respect.” 

“Oh, ze mademoiselle is so good. Ze has all de interre 
(interest) in de world in de pauvre fille. Oh, oui, plain ! 
Ne personne know how much I wishes my hairs plains ! I 
brushes and brushes and brushes! Mais n’importe; I go 
pull out each one viz de pinchers if mademoiselle likes ?” 

“And then have not a hair on your head, you crazy 
J ane ?” cried the metallic voice of the philanthropist, upon 
whose steely soul all sentiments or expressions of devo- 
tion were thrown away. “If I catch you doing anything 
of that kind I’ll have you put in a reformatory.” 


The Three F. P.’s Peculiar Methods 99 


^^Oh, ma foi! Pardonnez pauvre Adele. Ze is si IHe! 
Mais ze will do nozzin’ to be sent to ze deformatory.” 

But there were those whose submission was not so 
marked. Miss Mettle seemed to take a special dislike to 
Agnes on the principle that we always dislike those to 
whom we have done an ill turn ; in other vrords, ^^He who 
has injured you will never forgive you/’ or perhaps I 
might say the antagonism of a hard, small nature is always 
roused by being brought in contact with generosity and un- 
selfishness. 

Meanwhile my own mind was kept uneasy by the rest- 
less motions of Kipp Grassey. He came into the rooms 
daily. If I was busy he waited until I finished whatever 
I was doing, and then the arts and devices he used to get 
me to talk about Agnes were very amusing. He never 
mentioned her name without asking such questions as 
these: ^^Are you pleased with the number present, Mrs. 
Winn?” “Do they all come regularly?” “Are they all 
generally well?” “For instance, were they all well last 
evening?” “Do they all like what is taught them?” etc., 
etc. 

I answered his questions with as sober a face as I could 
command, though many a time I was sorely tempted to 
smile at his lame attempts to cover up his interest in the 
individual by his inquiries for the collective. 

By the end of the week Miss Mettle was so elated with 
the advance her scholars had made in the manners she 
had taught them and she was so overcome with her labors 
in their behalf that she determined to reward herself by 
inviting a number of her friends around (to speak plainly) 
to have an exhibition, though she was pleased to dignify 
the gathering as an attempt to rouse the interest of the 
Benevolent. Miss Denny tried to visit her wrath on Kipp 
Grassey for not taking her out to ride as many times as 

LotC. 


100 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


she thought he ought to, by omitting him from the invi- 
tations, but to Miss Mettle’s clear and analytical mind 
that was reason sufficient for urging him to be present. 

The girls were not given particular instructions as to 
how they were expected to comport themselves. Miss Met- 
tle satisfied herself in telling me a few hours before the 
guests were expected and allowing me the sweet privilege 
of making myself odious by executing her orders. 

The guests were to be seated at tables, where they v/ould 
play whist for a certain length of time. Then, at a given 
signal, the girls, who must be previously kept out of sight, 
were to appear and entertain the company. 

When Miss Mettle told me her plans I groaned aloud 
and said: 

there not some man with a few tame bears whom 
you could get to take the place of these girls? It would 
be more amusing, because you could be sure that you were 
not hurting anybody’s feelings.” 

^Teelings !” replied Miss Mettle, ^^you don’t know much 
about the lower classes if you imagine they have any feel- 
ings. Moreover, how are they ever going to repay me for 
all the money and time and worry and care and trouble I 
am spending on them if they cannot do something for me 
once in a while ? All the girls must be formed in line so 
as to make as great a display as possible ; but you must find 
some way of keeping the German out. Send her around 
after a glass of lager beer if she is not to be prevented by 
any other means. We cannot have her rolling around be- 
fore people.” 

When Mr. Kipp Grassey arrived that evening and heard 
a rumor of what the order of exercises was to be, he made 
the excuse of offering me a glass of water while he asked 
in a distressed whisper: 

^^They are not all expected to be on exhibition, or else 


The Three F. P.’s Peculiar Methods 101 


servants, are they? Yon can make exceptions in favor of 
some, can yon not ?” 

'Y will certainly try,” I replied. 

With that end in view, when Agnes came I was whis- 
pering to her some excnse for sending her right home, 
when Miss Mettle appeared at the door and said peremp- 
torily : 

^^Send that girl in to keep tally for ns.” 

^Y’ll send Mademoiselle Yeanx in,” I replied; ^^this 
girl is not strong enongh.” 

am only a little tired, dear Mrs. Winn,” retnrned 
Agnes. 

^^Nonsense! don’t be snch a coddler!” exclaimed Miss 
Mettle. “^Yon want to make them all think they are sick. 
Next thing yon will want to be taking np a collection to 
send them all to Enrope.” 

^^Well, I shonld not be able to get them far, jndging 
from the snccess I have in getting enongh to snpply their 
bare necessities!” I replied, feeling thoronghly vexed at 
my inability to keep Agnes ont of that room. My frame 
of mind was not improved by catching a glimpse of the 
position which Agnes was made to occupy. She was 
standing on a raised dais, with pencil and paper in her 
hand. Yarions things were being called ont to her by 
yonng bncks, who were striving to be particnlarly witty, 
and that being whom I loathed above all others — Mr. 
Gront — was making excnse to overlook her acconnts to get 
near her and whisper soft things in her ear. While she, 
poor dear, was looking at him in her innocence ; and Kipp 
Grassey was glaring first at them and then at me as if he 
wonld say: 

^^See what yon’ve done !” 

How I ever managed to control myself snfficiently not 
to go in and lead Agnes ont I shall never be able fully to 


102 


Three Fair Philanthropists 

explain. Perhaps it was because I immediately set myself 
to contrive a course of conduct which would cure Miss 
Mettle of ever wanting to make a similar display again. I 
neglected to mention to the German that she need not join 
us, and I suggested to the others that they might perform 
their share of the exercises in the way I knew Miss Mettle 
most particularly disliked. The result exceeded my fond- 
est expectations. Our evolutions were greeted with shouts 
of derision, and when the German made her appearance 
and then her speedy disappearance. Miss Mettle’s smoth- 
ered rage broke out in the forcible invective with which 
she was wont at times to embellish her choice conversation. 
I saw the dark-browed girls were very much exercised by 
this form of address, and when we went out to bring in 
the very elaborate refreshments which had been ordered 
and found absolutely nothing to bring in, with the hour 
so late that it would be impossible to get anything in their 
place, I readily discovered their method of revenge and I 
was content. 


Philanthropy in Other Fields 103 


CHAPTER IX. 

PHILANTHROPY IN OTHER FIELDS. 

The good, kind, patient reader who has followed Mrs. 
Winn’s experiences through the previous chapters is now 
invited to a change of scene. It would be leaving a wrong 
impression if it was understood that the impulse to deeds 
of philanthropy and benevolence were confined to one class 
in society. And that class the one to which our three fair 
philanthropists belong. Ah, no, it is a humanity-loving 
age in v/hich we live ; at least, it is an age when vast pre- 
tensions are made to humanity-loving. It becomes the 
author’s painful duty to show how these pretensions are 
carried on in a sphere where alas ! everything ought to be 
established on a firm basis of truth and sincerity; that is, 
in the church. 

Not far from the club rooms, in an easterly direction, 
where in years gone by fashion reigned as autocratically as 
she does now around Central Park, stands an edifice in the 
Gothic style of architecture. It occupies a triangular plot 
of ground, and, from the symbols of the cross with which 
it is adorned, indicates to the passer-by the presence of a 
Protestant Episcopal house of worship. Let us enter the 
side door with several gentlemen. 

^^Hello, Denny!” cried a corpulent gentleman with a 
deep voice and a scowl on his forehead, whose name is Mr. 
Elijah Bowman. ^^You here? Wliy, I thought you had 
left the church.” 

^^Ha! ha! ha!” replied the gentleman addressed, a 


104 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


short, wiry individual, with black eyes and hair, bearing 
a strong resemblance to the member of his family with 
whom the reader has already become acquainted in the per- 
son of Miss Grace Denny, his daughter. ^^Well, I have 
not been regular, that^s a fact. Te ! he ! he he contin- 
ued, as though he considered such absence a wonderfully 
good joke. 

^^Yes,” growled the first speaker, ^fit’s a great deal easier 
to laugh when you stay away than when you come back and 
find things in a general muddle I” 

^^Well, I have not been absent more than a year, have I ? 
Let me think — ^yes, I guess I have not been here since we 
returned from Florida, a year ago last March. Strange to 
say. Bowman, I find a little religion goes a great ways 
with me now,^^ and Mr. Denny went off into another fit of 
laughter, while his friend sat looking at him, his scowl 
deeper and his visage altogether more somber than ever. 

‘^‘Here, Bowman called a choleric-looking gentleman of 
over fifty, who sat on the opposite side of the table, ^Vhat 
does this mean?’’ holding up a pamphlet on the outside of 
which was a picture of the church in which they sat, with 
the words ^^Manual of the Chapel of the Holy Madonna 
in Heaven.” 

^^Well,” growled Bowman, suppose your eyesight is 
good, Griffin. If you read that thing you’ll soon find out 
what it all means. It sounds extremely well to have ves- 
trymen whose business it is to know what is going on in 
their church inquiring what things mean, just like out- 
siders. Where have you fellows been for the past five or 
six months ?” 

^'Just keep a civil tongue in your head, Bowman!” an- 
swered the gentleman named Griffin, while his snow-white 
hair fairly seemed to rise in indignation around his very 
fiorid countenance. 


Philanthropy in Other Fields 105 

‘^My tongue is a mighty sight more civil to you, Griffin, 
than you deserve,^^ returned Bowman, fiercely, rising and 
emphasizing his remarks by solenm jerks of his head. 
guess if I told you fellers just what I thought of you 
there’ d be some shivering But I don’t believe in pro- 

fanity in a church.” 

^^Do you mean to insinuate you would call me anything 
but a gentleman?” cried Griffin, rising in his turn and 
shaking his fist at his adversary across the table. 

“I might call you a gentleman, but I’d put an adjec- 
tive before it that would just make you hopT returned the 
undaunted Bowman. 

‘‘Ho ! ho ! ho !” burst in Mr. Denny, with his ever-ready 
and melodious laugh. '^Hop! Why, Griffin, you ought 
not to object to being made to hop. I saw a man last even- 
ing at the minstrels who makes a fine thing out of his hop- 
ing — something like five thousand a year. If Bowman, 
the growler here, could put you in a way 

“Brute!” cried Grifiin, “confine your maudlin witti- 
cisms to men of your own inferior station and tastes in 
life.” 

“I thought we had met at this time to look out for the 
interests of our church,” suggested a vestryman by the 
name of Islip. 

“Yes, the interests of our church,” sneered Bowman; 
“how deeply affected we seem to be by the interests of our 
church! But of course you could not expect men with 
such important matters on hand as nigger minstrels, horse 
racing and pool playing to have any spare time for such 
trivialities as church interests !” 

“By jinks. Bowman !” cried Islip, hotly, “you deserve a 
sound thrashing!” 

“That he does!” cried the rest in concert. “Let us 
give it to him !” 


106 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


^^All right, come on cried the doughty Bowman. ^^I’m 
not afraid of all of you ! No, nor twice your number. You 
can try thrashing me, and I would admire to polish you off. 
I’d like to see if after all your worldliness had been rubbed 
off there would be anything left !” 

Bowman succeeded in keeping his adversaries on the 
opposite side of the table by some timely thrusts, but after 
a little they got him up in a corner, and his only weapon 
was a chair, which he swung around without any regard to 
the antics of the exhilarated Denny, who several times in 
his great desire to poke his adversary with the rector’s long 
ruler received therefrom an impetus that sent him prone 
upon the floor. Griffin kept at a respectful distance but 
used all his lung power to urge the others on by such 
cheerful exclamations as : "There ; give it to him, Denny, 
right under his fifth rib !” Other members of this digni- 
fied body picked up the piles of church manuals and show- 
ered them upon the gentleman in the corner, while still 
others picked up the rector’s books and sent them after the 
manuals. The dust from the carpet ascended like smoke 
from a battlefield, and the uproar was much more likely to 
be mistaken as that coming from a scene of carnage than 
the accustomed sounds of devotion from a place of wor- 
ship. 

In the thickest of the fray, when there remained noth- 
ing left to send after the unconquered but the ink bottle and 
mucilage, the folding doors at the farther end of the room 
opened simultaneously and a couple of wizen-faced boys, 
dressed in the^queer vestments of small acolytes, bearing 
swinging censers of smoking incense, appeared, closely 
followed by a couple of older acolytes, and they in turn 
by the tall figure, which his long robes rendered still 
taller, of the rector. 

"Peace be unto you!” came in harsh, cold, stereotyped 


Philanthropy in Other Fields 107 

tones from his thin, bloodless lips, as soon as the com- 
batants made a slight pause in their hostilities. Perhaps 
there could not be a better example of the force of this 
beautiful greeting than its effect on the agitated group we 
have been describing, in spite of its coming to them through 
such a formal, unmeaning source. 

The vestrymen immediately began to draw their chairs 
up around the long table. The rector, the Rev. Mortimer 
Augustus Dunraven, signalled to the two acolytes to place 
a heavily-carved high-hacked chair at one end for himself 
and in an ostentatious, cold manner he knelt, making the 
sign of the cross on his forehead and breast and in a loud, 
rasping voice recited a Latin prayer. Kotwithstanding the 
edification the vestrymen must have experienced in having 
their erudition so delicately insinuated that they were 
masters of the Latin tongue and could therefore join in a 
Latin prayer, their throats were not proof against the irri- 
tating effects of the smoke from the incense, and by the 
time the prayer was finished G-riffin was purple with cough- 
ing, Denny was sneezing rapidly in a high falsetto, Islip 
was wiping his eyes. Bowman was stuffing his pocket hand- 
kerchief into his mouth and eyes, and the rest were ex- 
pressing their discomfort in various ways. 

The rector threw a rather contemptuous gaze around at 
his coadjutors which seemed to say, ^Tt is easy to see that 
you are strangers to the influences of the sanctuary.^^ But, 
finding the coughing and sneezing continued in spite of 
his contempt, in stilted Latin phrase he addressed the 
wizen-faced boys, requesting them to remove themselves 
and their smoking censers from the room. Although the 
boys had been trained in these Latin phrases, together with 
others for over a month, they failed to understand, and 
after he had spoken twice Mr. Elijah Bowman took them 
each by the shoulder and said in a whisper, advancing 


108 Three Fair Philanthropists 

toward the door: means for you to clear out, you 

beggars !” 

When he reached his chair, before seating himself Mr. 
Bowman cleared his throat and said : 

‘‘1 hope you will pardon me, rector, but I am a plain 
man and do not understand any tongue but my own. If 
these exercises are to be conducted in Greek or Hebrew 
there will be no use in my remaining to them.^^ 

At the previous meetings of the vestrymen, owing to 
the few present (usually only Mr. Bowman and the rec- 
tor), there had been an absence of all formalities. And 
hence, although the flock had enjoyed the ministrations of 
the present shepherd over a year, this was the first formal 
gathering of any number of those elected to assist in the 
duties of administering the sacred ofiice. 

Islip, Denny and Griffin looked at their companion with 
pity and compassion when they heard him acknowledge 
his ignorance. Not that it would have been possible for 
them to have given any smoother translation to the prayer 
they had just listened to than he, but they believed in the 
maxim which says that ^flie who cannot dissimulate is unflt 
to reign.^^ 

^^It was not my intention, Mr. Bowman, replied the 
rector stiffly, to conduct other than the devotional exer- 
cises in the revered Latin tongue, through which medium 
the Most Holy Fathers have communicated with us from 
the earliest ages. We will pass at once to the object for 
which this assembly was convened.^’ 

Drawing from his bosom a roll of manuscript, he pro- 
ceeded to deliver an elaborately prepared address. All his- 
tory from the time of Adam was reviewed to prove that 
mankind without forms and ceremonies and those of the 
most stately and elaborate kind was a heathen and a sav- 
age, and after establishing this point to his entire satis- 


Philanthropy in Other Fields 109 

faction he went on to show by what a lofty courage and 
disinterested devotion to the uplifting of poor, fallen hu- 
manity he was actuated when he took their church, which 
had hitherto ranked as an Episcopalian of the lowest order, 
and therefore hardly worthy of the name of church, and 
attempted to bring it up into the blessedness and privilege 
of that glorious body whose pomp and splendor put the 
very sun to the blush, and whose royal line of priesthood 
descended in unbroken succession from St. Peter himself. 
At the mention of this last name the rector prostrated 
himself for such a length of time that the worthy Mr. 
Elijah Bowman, not being very well up in church history 
and not taking much notice of what had been said, thought 
the rector had something the matter with him and had 
just put out his hand to take the man by the collar and 
set him on his feet when the prostration ceased and the 
rector arose. 

The vestrymen were all more or less awed, as the rector 
meant they should be. The first one to recover himself was 
Mr. Griffin, but his previous fierceness was so far subdued 
that he touched Elijah Bowman under the table and whis- 
pered : 

^^Ask him about the name.^^ 

^^Ask him yourself,’^ replied that worthy, with a scowl. 

^^Did you wish to speak about anything, Mr. Griffin 
condescendingly asked the rector. 

^^Oh, it was nothing of much importance,^^ replied Mr. 
Griffin in faltering accents. merely did not understand 
the significance of the new name.’^ 

Mr. Denny, who had been asleep owing to his over- 
fatigue from brain work the previous evening at the min- 
strels, awoke at this juncture, and, with his ever-ready ha, 
ha, ha, and te, he, he, said : 

^^A name? What’s in a name? The Bible says a rose 
by any other name would smell as sweet.” 


HO 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


“I was speaking to the rector, if you please, Mr. Denny,” 
said the irascible Griffin. 

^‘Yes, and I am very glad to have yon ask any questions 
on any subjects that trouble you/^ replied the rector sweet- 
ly. ‘The principal significance of the name chosen by the 
committee appointed by the church’^ (which committee, it 
may be a matter of interest to the reader to know, was 
that of one, and he the rector) “lies in the fact that it is so 
harmoniously euphonic. Then the initials of the name are 
extremely handsome combined in a monogram or taken 
singly. You should see them as they are being worked on 
some altar cloths. I trust, gentlemen, the reasons I have 
given for the changes in the name or any of the institu- 
tions of your church commend themselves to your judg- 
ment and understanding.^^ 

Mr. Elijah Bowman was on his feet in a minute: 

“As I have said before, Eector, I am a plain man, and 
what commends or discommends itself to my judgment or 
understanding is not of much account. The old name of 
this church — St. Christopher — was dear to me, but it’s the 
church itself as is dearer than all. In it my father and his 
father before him were baptized, confirmed, held office, were 
married, and from it they were finally received up into 
glory. Now, it’s my intention to stick by this church 
through every change of administration or fortune. I 
shall swallow what I don’t like with as good grace as I can, 
but I shall support the church to the end of the chapter, 
and I think we all, belonging as we do to its commu- 
nion and holding office, ought to make a similar resolution. 
I wish to acknowledge that in the past I have not per- 
formed my duties as I should. My business has been so 
absorbing I have devoted but little time to the duties I 
know devolve on me as vestryman in this church.” 

There was a decided movement of uneasiness on the 


Philanthropy in Other Fields 111 

part of Mr. Bowman’s hearers, for, as he had been hy far 
the most conscientious in the performance of his duties 
(and, indeed, it might be added, the only one who had 
been at all conscientious), his acknowledgment of failure 
in duty acted like prods and penetrated even the thick 
coverings that enclosed the moral natures of all those who 
listened to him. 

The rector gained his feet with becoming regard to a 
dignified decorum at the close of Mr. Bowman’s remarks, 
and said ; 

^^Gentlemen, our brother has put the matter rather 
strongly. I would not have you feel compunctions for 
any lapse in duty save in the matter of liberality. I know 
men of business find it impossible to be present at all the 
gatherings they would like to attend. But if you will send 
your checks your absence, which, of course, I deplore, may 
be condoned.” 

The meeting at this point broke up its formal character, 
and the members strayed off in different directions. 

^‘What are some of the other changes in customs that 
have been effected ?” inquired Mr. Islip of the rector when 
only he and Mr. Denny remained. 

‘‘Oh, scarcely anything has been altered save the intro- 
duction of incense burning, praying to the host and the 
confessional.” 

“The confessional, eh?” said Mr. Islip, looking nar- 
rowly at the rector out of his keen eyes and stroking his 
heavy side-whiskers. “That gives a man the opportunity 
of committing sin without being a sinner, doesn’t it ?” 

“Ha ! ha ! ha !” laughed the irrepressible Denny. “You 
have a long head, Islip. Gad! you’re the most congenial 
man I ever met inside a church.” 

“The object of the confessional,” said the rector, “is to 
remove the possibility of a man’s being given over to de- 
spair on account of sin.” 


112 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


^^That’s what I want,” replied Islip, with a wicked wink 
at his admirer, Mr. Denny, who forthwith went off into 
convulsions of laughter. do not want to be thrown into 
despair on account of any little variation from a straight 
line my course of conduct may take.” 

^^Then I may look to you two gentlemen for support in 
furthering the interests of this church, may I ?” asked the 
rector. 

^^Indeed you may !” replied the two men together, cor- 
dially extending their hands. 

‘^Oh, yes, and then there was another subject that I 
meant to discuss with my vestrymen !” exclaimed the rec- 
tor. He thought the rest had gone, but they had only 
wandered into adjoining rooms, and to his surprise and 
discomfiture appeared in the different doors of the apart- 
ment at these words. It was the rector’s intention to wait 
until those had actually departed from whom he feared 
opposition before presenting the important measure of the 
day, but it was too late to retreat and hardly time to 
think up anything else, so he continued : 

^^Gentlemen, you are aware that the Mission of this 
church is endowed. Since taking charge I have so ad- 
ministered its affairs that there has been a saving of three 
thousand dollars of its usual annual expenditures, and I 
have an opportunity of investing that amount at thirty 
per cent. I 

^^Where? Where?” asked Islip, grasping the rector’s 
hand and excitedly wringing it. ^Tell me all about it, 
and my wife shall give me 

^^Don’t you know better than to interrupt the rector?” 
asked Bowman. 

'‘Yes, Mr. Islip, I will gladly give the particulars,” re- 
plied the church dignitary. "I had little else to say ex- 
cept that I presumed you would be glad to know I had 
been so fortunate.” 


Philanthropy in Other Fields 


113 


^^Bravo! bravo!” cried Denny. ^^Wish there’d been an 
endowment for the church instead of the Mission. Been 
fine thing for us poor fellers. Ha 1 ha ! ha ! Te 1 he 1 he ! 
he r 

thought you would approve. I suppose there need 
nothing more be said on the subject,” returned the rector, 
anxiety for change of theme being plainly discernible. 

should like to ask why it would not be well to refer 
the matter to a committee ?” asked Mr. Elijah Bowman. 

‘^Bah! committee!” exclaimed Islip. ^^What are they 
good for except for fighting each other?” ’ 

^^All right, Mr. Islip, if you are in a position to declare 
from personal observation that the Mission is in a flour- 
ishing condition and does not need the money !” exclaimed 
Mr. Elijah Bowman. 

A laugh greeted this remark, for Mr. Islip^s ^^personal 
observation” of the Mission was known to be confined to his 
longing glances cast at the money put in the plates for 
that object when it chanced to fall to his dot to collect the 
offerings on the Sabbath. 


114 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


CHAPTEE X. 

MES. THATOHEE APPEAES INOPPOETUNELY. 

The discussion of the question whether the three thou- 
sand dollars could be spared from the expenses of the 
Mission and who should be named as members of the com- 
mittee to investigate the matter, was just at its height 
when a rustling was heard at the door, followed by a 
gentle knock. Mr. Elijah Bowman answered the summons 
and a sweet faced lady (Mr. Bowman thought he had never 
seen a sweeter) asked : 

^^Excuse me, but I understood there was to be a meeting 
of the wardens and vestrymen of the Chapel of the Holy 
Madonna in Heaven here this morning and knowing that 
Mission matters would be discussed I thought it might be 
well for me to be present."” 

In reply to the inquiring look on all the gentlemen’s 
countenances saving the rector’s, Mr. Bowman said : 

^^Gentlemen, this is Mrs. Thatcher, who has been in 
charge of our Mission work — ^how many years?” turning 
to the lady. 

^^Ten years, praise God ! And, gentlemen, believe me 
they have been ten blessed years of service. I sometimes 
am filled with astonishment that such an unworthy person 
as I should he allowed the privilege of working with the 
Lord for his poor and needy ones. It is a glorious priv- 
ilege, one that we can be united in. You by prayer and 
furnishing the means and I, by earnest, faithful work.” 

Mrs. Thatcher’s ardent, homely eloquence carried every- 


115 


Mrs. Thatcher Appears 

thing along with it. Even Mr. Denny forgot to ho, ho, ho, 
and te, he, he, and Mr. Islip wished he had not joked 
about the confessional. The rector endeavored to hide his 
chagrin by folding his arms and looking very solemn. And 
good reason he had for looking solemn. He knew the three 
thousand dollars had been saved by pinching and screwing 
down the expenditures in a way that a less consecrated 
whole-souled person than Mrs. Thatcher would have 
resented and shown her resentment by leaving. In fact 
he had been ready to receive her resignation for some time 
past. But he had never dreamed of her taking this step 
and during her remarks his brain was busy devising plaus- 
ible excuses for his conduct. To give the real, true ex- 
planation — that he had been hampered in his outlay for 
vestments and incense and choir boy salary and building 
of confessional corridor and wanted to make an investment 
which would be free from the restrictions of the fund de- 
voted to the Mission — ^he did not feel would exalt him in 
the eyes of his brethren. 

Mr. Denny gave him a suggestion. Mrs. Thatcher had 
described her work among the mothers, had told how she 
had been able to lighten the heavy burdens resting on 
many a poor woman by furnishing cloth for them to make 
up into garments, where want of work or sickness had 
prevented them from buying this for themselves. She had 
brought tears to their eyes at the picture she drew of 
the dear little babies sheltered and cared for during their 
mothers’ absence at work. She had been very careful (al- 
together too careful, considering the nature of the men she 
was addressing and whom the rarity of meeting made it 
impossible for her to know better) not to hurt their feelings 
by the portrayal of the difficulties she had been sur- 
rounded with of late by lack of funds. 

had hoped, gentlemen, as tho needs of the work in- 


116 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


creased/^ she said, her face beaming with the inward light 
of a holy consecrated life, ^^that means would be forthcom- 
ing to extend our borders. There are no babies in the 
city of New York that look healthier and happier than our 
babies and it would be such a comfort to have enough 
room and enough help so as to take every poor, miserable, 
thin, hungry, dirty child that is brought to us and sur- 
round it with all the comforts God has so graciously given 
us. 

cannot express the pain it gives me to be obliged 
to stand at the door mornings and make a distinction be- 
tween those that can stay and those that cannot. And 
the number has had to be reduced several times of late, 
yet in spite of all my care I find it extremely difficult to 
settle my accounts and make both ends meet. It is my aim 
to make my money go Just as far as I can and I think I 
can truthfully say that the same spirit animates all my 
helpers. I have a lad who runs errands for me ; we call him 
Lame Johnnie to distinguish him from others of the same 
name. I rescued him from drunken parents and his lame- 
ness is the result of their abuse. This poor child refuses 
to take car fare when he goes long distances although it is 
hard work for him to walk, and when I insist on giving him 
the money he brings it back and says : 

^Mamma Thatch, I can save so little, please let me help 
in this way.^ 

^^But in spite of all our efforts, gentlemen, our finances 
are in a bad condition. We are behindhand and 

Mr. Denny, who had as usual been dozing and only heard 
the last two sentences of Mrs. Thatcher^s touching address, 
rose hastily to his feet at this point and said : 

know Just what this woman needs, gentlemen.” 

Cries of "Hear, hear,” from Mr. Islip and several others 
and "By all means let us hear, brother,” from the rector. 


117 


Mrs. Thatcher Appears 

encouraged Mr. Denny to cherish the conviction (he was 
not at all averse to holding) of his great sagacity. He 
therefore raised his right arm impressively and said : 

^^She needs, or I may say she requires, or perhaps to state 
the case in the plainest possible manner, I had better say 
she ought to have lessons in economy. It is a sad state of 
affairs when our finances get in a bad condition.^^ Here 
Mr. Denny brought his uplifted right hand in to his out- 
stretched left hand with a resounding and, evidently to 
himself, edifying whack. ^^It is all wrong to get behind- 
hand, gentlemen ! Te but he suppressed the rest of 

his customary te, he, he, which was occasioned by his catch- 
ing Mr.Islip’s eye winking approval at him, and continued: 
^^And, gentlemen, I don’t know of any better place to sug- 
gest that she go to learn economy than to my daughter’s 
club. Here are some cards which my daughter gave me 
only this morning.” He handed one to Mr. Bowman who 
passed it to Mrs. Thatcher. ^^How who could suggest an 
easier way out of this difficulty? Go to this club — ^learn 
economy — don’t let your finances get in a bad condition; 
then you never get behindhand — ^your work goes on 
smoothly — and everything is hunck” — (but he saved him- 
self from the rest of that slang, it occurring to him that 
‘^hunckidory” was not an appropriate expression to use in' 
a church) ^^eh, Islip, let us hear what you think on the 
subject.” 

Mr. Islip was glad to be called on, for he considered him- 
self, however much his wife differed from him, a first-class 
financier. He arose therefore and dwelt feelingly on the 
benefit to nations, peoples, communities and individuals of 
the exercise of economy. The writer is unable to state 
whether or not Mr. Islip’s remarks would have had more 
weight had they not been punctuated, so to speak, by large 
diamond rings on both hands. But they were applauded 


118 Three Fair Philanthropists 

by Mr. Denny and Hector Mortimer Augustus Dunraven, 
the latter following in a dissertation of great oratorical 
elegance on the same subject. 

Mr. Elijah Bowman was plainly disturbed by the tenor 
of the remarks. His chair was first too far from the table 
and then it was too near. He tried leaning on one arm and 
then on another, all the time keeping a furtive watch of 
Mrs. Thatcher’s countenance. Her eyes being attracted 
to his own once or twice, he was apparently seized with a 
desire for profound meditation and covered his face with 
his hand, but the spaces between his fingers allowed his 
watch to be kept up. And no one would have thought of 
blaming Mr. Bowman, for Mrs. Thatcher’s face, especially 
when she came in and while she was speaking, was 
wonderfully attractive. Her blue eyes looked out 
from under her smooth low forehead with such a sincere 
kindly expression. Her grey hair, naturally wavy, added 
a silvery halo to features which were irradiated by that 
inner glory of a life given entirely up to the love of God 
and of her fellow man. But a cloud of disappointment 
came over the cheerfulness of her expression as the remarks 
of Mr. Denny and the two gentlemen who followed him, 
progressed. There was no resentment visible, as well there 
might have been, only disappointment and giief, and when 
the rector was bringing his remarks to a close she put up 
her hand and brushed something that bore a strong re- 
semblance to a tear from her face. This was all that was 
needed to bring Mr. Elijah Bowman’s dissatisfaction to a 
climax. He rose to his feet impetuously. 

^‘Gentlemen,” he said, while he scowled his fiercest, 'T 
am a plain man and cannot talk a lot of tom-fool nonsense 
about all the nations of the earth ! But even to my limited 
understanding it seems extremely queer to be talking 
economy to a person, you ought to be taking up a collection 


119 


Mrs. Thatcher Appears 

for. Now there’s my hat with a fifty-dollar bill in it, ready 
for Denny to put a hundred on top of and Griffin one hun- 
dred more.” 

There was so much truth in Bowman’s remarks and they 
were delivered with such force that in spite of themselves 
the gentlemen referred to put their hands in their pockets 
and gave what they were bidden. Some of the others 
present venturing a whispered doubt as to whether or not 
the money would be wisely used, Mr. Bowman asked : 

^^Have you ever been over to see?” 

^^Hush!” came the answer, 'ffion’t talk so loud! We 
did not mean anything.” 

And Bowman smiled a grim smile to see their con- 
tribution, which he knew was greatly increased to satisfy 
a lazy conscience. 

As Mr. Elijah Bowman returned from closing the door 
on Mrs. Thatcher, to whom he had delivered the entire 
contribution, feigning not to see the rector’s movement 
intimating that he would take charge of the money, still 
scowling he said : 

^^A passage of Scripture occurs to me as exceedingly ap- 
propriate to the case of the good lady who has just left 
us. It runs something like this : ^Being destitute, 
afflicted, tormented ; of whom the world was not worthy.’ ” 


120 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


CHAPTER XL 

MRS. METTLE REVEALS THE SKELETON IN HER CLOSET. 

^^Why, mummy, your maid is getting your hair up too 
high. It looks like the leaning tower of Pisa.^^ 

^^Xo, Ray, now do not interfere ! Silva is obeying orders. 
I picked out this style from costume plates of the fashions 
in France in the 16 th century and I know it will be very 
odd and becoming.^^ 

^^Odd, it certainly will be, but as yet there are no signs 
of its being becoming.^’ 

^^Xow, Ray, I would not show such a jealous disposition. 
It looks as though you were afraid your mother, who has 
not much longer to live, might look a little better than you 
do. You will remember such things when I am gone.” 

^^But, mummy, supposing I should go first, how would 
you feel for outshining me and spoiling my chances of 
matrimony ?” 

^^Ray,” replied Mrs. Mettle solemnly, '^it is base ingrati- 
tude for you even in joke to hint at my spoiling your 
chances at matrimony, for if ever a mother tried to do her 
duty by her daughter in that repect I am the one. But 
I can just tell you what it is, my lady, I am very nearly 
through with it all!” And Mrs. Mettle rising from the 
chair in token of the finishing of her hair-dressing dis- 
missed her maid so that she might be alone with her daugh- 
ter for a few minutes. Both ladies were attired in weird 
foreign-looking Japanese negligee costumes. The ground 
work of Mrs. Mettle’s was black with storks and cranes and 


Mrs. Mettle Reveals the Skeleton 121 


swallows and snakes and warriors and angels and devils 
embroidered in all sorts of gay colors, slantwise over the 
gown so that when she moved it seemed as though she must 
go sideways. Miss Mettle^s on the other hand was of a 
tawny yellow with the same number of birds, reptiles and 
creeping things embroidered in black, making one think of 
a leopard-skin. It was only necessary to have had a black 
caldron with a few black imps to do their bidding and they 
would have figured excellently well as priestesses of the 
Black Art. 

^^It makes me weep when I think of all the trials and 
vexations I have been through on your account Here 
Mrs. Mettle produced a Japanese rice-paper handkerchief 
and removed the moisture from the corner of one eye 
(that is, if there was any, which we would never think of 
being so reckless as to positively affirm) . began when 
you were fifteen so that I never could accuse myself of be- 
ing too late. The first year there were two doctors, three 
ministers and a lawyer — they all of them received valuable 
additions to their libraries — invitations to lunch, tea and 
dinner, and what with trying to keep the peace between 
you all till you could make up your mind, which you 
wanted I was nearly driven crazy.^’ 

^^Well, they were a crazy lot returned Miss Mettle 
carelessly. ^^But I presume I should have had J ack Benson 
the lawyer.” 

^^You really think so? Why, you never told me that 
before !” 

^‘^What was the use ? He married some one else before I 
was quite sure I wanted him. But he has made such a 
successful man I ought to have had him.” 

^"Oh, dear! oh, dear! how much worry, vexation, and 
care I might have been spared if that had only taken 
place!” And Mrs. Mettle, throwing up her short arms 


122 


Three Fair Philanthropists 

from which, her long Japanese sleeves fell in lengthened 
folds, made a very tolerable, not to say picturesque, repre- 
sentation of Woe. 

^^And then if I had married him and he had not turned 
cut successful, you would have had your worry, vexation 
and care over something else.’^ 

^^But it could not have been as bad as it is now.^’ 

believe you would rather I were married to some 
Solomon Levi of an old clothes man than to be an 0 

^^Hush, Bay, don’t let that name pass your lips even in 
jest. I am superstitious to the extent that I believe if you 
begin to call yourself by any title you are sure to become 
what you call yourself.” 

^^Well, can’t I say 0. M. when I wish to refer to the op- 
probious class of beings?” 

would rather you would not.” 

^^Then I shall have to say Ho, H’m’s, for I must have 
some means of designating what I refer to.” 

Mrs. Mettle had seated herself in a quaint, straight, high- 
backed chair, a table of Mexican onyx with gilt trimmings 
at her side and a high foot stool of gilt and embroidery 
before her to prevent her little feet from dangling. She 
picked up some fancy work and commenced the following 
soliloquy : 

never could understand why things should have been 
made so hard for me. I have known mothers with six or 
seven daughters who did not seem to have nearly as hard 
a time as I have. But I am sure one more girl would have 
made me a madwoman or an imbecile long ago. The un- 
certainty, the flickering, the just-about-ed-ness and the 
never-quite-there-ed-ness have kept me in a constant state 
of perturbation bordering on despair. I was consoled for 
your losing that count. Bay, when he was speedily followed 
by the duke, but 


Mrs. Mettle Reveals the Skeleton 123 


I did not know but yon were going to say yon were 
consoled for my losing the connt when yon fonnd he was 
a gambler and a knave/^ 

^^Bnt to have yon lose both those titled foreigners seemed 
too mnch to be borne,” continned Mrs. Mettle, nnmindfnl 
of the interrnption. ^^And now yonr chances are growing 
beantifnlly less year by year.” 

^^While there^s life there is hope,” responded Miss Mettle 
cheerfnlly. 

^^That’s a shamelessly immoral sentiment to hold in 
connection with snch a serions snbject as we are discnssing, 
Kay Mettle !” exclaimed Mrs. Mettle, shaking her head nn- 
til the towering coiffnre jnst trembled to its fonnda- 
tions and her very eyeglasses dropped in dismay. ^^And if 
yon do not change yonr motto and yonr whole conrse of 
condnct I shall wipe my hands of all part or lot in yonr 
fntnre.” 

^Thange .my condnct?” replied Miss Mettle finally 
ronsed. ^^What do yon mean by change my condnct? I 
want to be married as mnch as ever yon want to have me ; 
and it always has leen and always will be my aim to do 
my best toward accomplishing that most desirable object. 
Bnt 

^Tor shame, Ray ! how can yon say that when here yon 
are treating that beantifnl, charming Mr. Gront in snch a 
whimsical manner? He’s jnst rm/ bean ideal of a son- 
in-law; he has snch a deep nice voice! It nearly brings 
tears to my eyes now when he says ^Mrs. Mettle’; what 
would it be when he called me mother ? Moreover, he goes 
in the very best society, — ^better than we conld ever think 
of aspiring to nnaided by snch connections.” 

^^es, bnt then he does not, nor ever conld, hold the 
position in that society that a bishop might 1” 


124 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


bishop! what do you mean by that? Who do you 
know that’s eligible among the bishops ?” 

^^Why, that Mr. Dunraven who has lent us the money for 
the club and who was here to dinner last week. He is the 
son and nephew of bishops and there is no doubt but if he 
cares for the position he will get it. And there’s every 
probability he will care for such an honorable office.” 

^^Oh, but, Ray, such a scrawny, ill-favored youth, not a 
hair on his face except a feeble sickly mustache. And he 
must be younger than you.” 

^^So much the easier to make him do as I want to have 
him.” 

^^But I am sure somebody told me he was a celibate. I 
remember thinking at the time what a small loss to the 
world either present or future.” 

^^Oh, well! that’s a little fad with him just now, but I 
know he can easily be turned off from such nonsense. His 
church is poor when it comes to the expenses or the rector’s 
salary, though Sundays you can hardly get a seat there be- 
cause of the crowd.” 

^^Then you’ve made up your mind to give up the con- 
gressman for the priest, have you ?” 

^^Why, no, of course I have not. I have made up my mind 
to try and get the priest, but if I cannot get him I shall 
take the congressman. He will be in the market some time ; 
you know widowers — well, there’s no rush for them. And 
he appears quite fond of me.” 

^‘Yes, but I have to work hard with him and I have 
promised him all sorts of things. What shall I do?” 

^^Temporize with him. Put him off. We must not offend 
him.” 

^^And he is so impatient and hot-headed.” 

^^ell, we can be a little offended because he does not help 
more with the expenses of the club. I do not understand 


Mrs. Mettle Reveals the Skeleton 125 


wliy Ee is so remiss in this particular. Of course, he has 
plenty of money. I would not look at him if I did not feel 
sure of that.’’ 

^^Oh, Eay, that club does make me feel so free from all 
uneasiness when they are begging at the churches. I do 
think we are such a generous family. Don’t you think, love, 
we shall go down to posterity by the side of Peabody and 
all such noted philanthropists?” 

^^Of course we shall, mummy, but that does not satisfy 
me. I want to be known and read about to-day !” 

^^ell, there was something in this morning’s paper, 
was there not ?” 

^^But only five or six lines ! I paid ever so many reporters 
to put in articles which they have not done.” 

^^hlever mind, dear, I will write you a check of five hun- 
dred dollars and you can visit the editors of some of the 
leading dailies at their homes. You know the reporters 
cannot control such matters. And now how do you wish 
me to treat the priest? I suppose we had better rent a 
couple of pews in his church.” 

^^Chapel he calls it. Chapel of the Holy Madonna in 
Heaven. Yes, a capital thought. It never would have oc- 
curred to me.” 

^^Ah, well, my dear,” replied Mrs. Mettle, while a know- 
ing smile irradiated her small features and caused her 
black eyes to sparkle with animation, ^^you have not been 
called upon to deal with such delicate matters as matri- 
monial alliances in which forethought and a thousand other 
activities of the soul are called into play.” Mrs. Mettle 
did not add ^^and generally in vain,” though in her case 
it would have been only too true. 

^Terhaps we had better rent three seats,” rejoined the 
daughter, ^^and then there is a confessional.” 

^^A confessional!” fairly screamed Mrs. Mettle, over- 


126 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


come by surprise. ^^Why I thought the man was an Epis- 
copalian. You never told me he was a Komanist. I 
think, Eay, that is going a trifle too far.^^ 

^^He is not a Eomanist; he is only a high church Episco- 
palian, an advanced thinker.” 

^^And he has advanced in to the dark ages for methods 
of carrying on church work! Oh, well, I suppose it’s all 
for a good cause, to rouse curiosity and make his church 
popular. You say he is successful, eh? Well, Eay,” this 
rather musingly, as if Mrs. Mettle were inspecting her 
heart and taking an inventory of her sins, suppose I 
could go to confession, but I am sure I do not know what 
I should confess. Your sins now, I could give a good long 
list of and your father’s too. I would not miss one !” 

'^You could, could you?” said Mr. Mettle, entering in 
time to hear his wife’s remark. ^^And I should like to know 
what sins you’d And to confess for me ?” 

^^Now, Tuftus Mettle, don’t be so conceited. You have 
a great many sins you ought to confess. In the flrst place 
untruthfulness. You told me this morning, I was late to 

breakfast when 

^Y'ou were,” interrupted her husband. 

‘Y beg your pardon, but I was 7iot; and then you could 
confess the sin of stealing. This morning you took the 
watch I was depending on to get me to my dressmaker’s 
and left me with no reliable timepiece, so that I was late 
and Madame was very furious.” 

^^ell, that was my own watch.” 

^^ever mind if it was. I had told you to leave it with 

me and it was stealing 

^^Or disobedience,” interposed the daughter. 

'Y'es, perhaps it was disobedience, but that’s a worse sin 
than stealing.” 

^^ell, what do you call your telling that pot-house poli- 


Mrs. Mettle Reveals the Skeleton 127 


tician Griout that you and Kay have taken to codding so 
tenderly of late that your daughter was out and she would 
be so sorry to miss his call ; would’nt he be sure and come 
again to-morrow, while Ray hung over the bannisters on 
the third floor to hear what reply he made ? Or what name 
do you give to the professions of affection you made to Mrs. 
De Flurey while the minute she left the room you declared 
that she was the most odious woman you ever knew 

^‘Now, Tuftus,’^ replied his wife, ‘^don’t try to make out 
that you have lived to this time of life and are so innocent 
of the absolute necessity of a little polite equivocation oc- 
casionally.^^ 

^^Well, my dear, it is a great pity you are not eligible to 
the office of Pope, and Ray to some Arch-Cardinalship, 
you both have the happy faculty of believing in your own 
infallibility at all events, which is half the battle. But 
come let us descend from theology to gastronomy and go 
down to dinner.” 


128 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


CHAPTER XII. 

MISS DENNY GRAPPLES WITH THE PROBLEM. 

There are times in all our lives when we find reason 
to approve of natural laws and one of those times came 
to me (viz. : Mrs. Winn) when I realized that Miss Denny’s 
week of managing affairs had only the ordinary number 
of evenings. If there had been one more I felt that 
my overtaxed powers of endurance would have certainly 
given way. The first night she spent teaching the girls 
the German, and as I had nothing to do except some 
light visiting all day and climbing five or six pairs of 
stairs, and needed diversion, she called on me to assist. I 
can laugh now, as I look back and think what a peculiar 
figure I must have cut, but at the time I did not find 
it amusing. I had never danced the German, nor any- 
thing else, even in my youth when my muscles were a 
good deal more tractable than at forty-five. I did the 
best I could, however. I never questioned Miss Denny 
on the subject, but from her course of conduct I inferred 
the ^^elevation” she considered necessary ‘^for the masses” 
was to be obtained at the end of the toes. 

My readers will not be surprised to hear that Miss 
Denny was a light, airy dancer; indeed, I have intimated 
as much in a previous connection, but nature had never 
designed her to be a teacher. She had no patience, and 
her temper was of the most volatile description. Just 
as in the case of the carpenters whom she requested to 
repair the rooms without deigning to enter into detail. 


129 


Miss Denny’s Problem 

SO she would give a long list of commands, and if the 
girls did not execute them the air was filed with the raps 
they received from a piece of rolled music she held in her 
hand together with names far from complimentary. The 
more obtuse were handed over to me, while the German 
girl she chased out of the room, threatening her if she 
ever darkened the doors again, "to box her up and send 
her to some museum as a specimen of a perfectly joint- 
less woman.^^ 

In the middle of the evening she suddenly put her 
hands to her head and declared she had almost forgot- 
ten an engagement and she should have to leave imme- 
diately, but I must continue drilling the girls in the 
"Crescent Sweep,^^ the "Fan Flutter,^’ the "Cadet March’^ 
and several other fancy figures of the German, and I 
was not to allow any of them to leave before they had 
learned these figures, if they stayed until morning. The 
girls were wild with excitement and delight, for the dance 
was to take place the following evening, and they all felt 
ambitious to excel. They carried me along with them, 
their enjoyment seemed so great, until my strength 
and my breath gave way and I sank exhausted on the 
sofa. As they gathered around me I had only power to 
whisper, "Go home,” when there came a unanimous cry, 
"Oh, no, Mrs. Winn, we must do these steps a little 
better for to-morrow night. Just think of the fun we 
shall have to-morrow night, each one with a fellow ! Miss 
Denny said she’d get each of us a fellow that didn’t have 
one. And now you just lie there on that sofa with the 
two fingers of your right hand up and you need not say 
a word, but when we ask you if we’ve done the step right, 
you can shake them this way and, if not, that way.” 

In a weak moment, I yielded, and for a time I sig- 
nified my approval or disapproval in the manner they 


130 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


suggested, but finally ^^tired Nature’s Sweet Eestorer” 
took entire possession of me, and when I returned to 
consciousness faint gleams of daylight were mingling with 
the sickly glare of the gas. I looked around and there 
were still a dozen or so infatuated girls going through 
the various figures. 

^^Girls!” I cried, starting up suddenly and bringing 
my foot down with such promptness that several screamed 
with fright, 'Vhat are you here for at this time in the 
morning ?” 

Having nothing to say, they proceeded to depart. 

The enthusiasm in regard to the evening’s entertain- 
ment had spread so rapidly that before time to light 
the lamps quite a number were waiting for the doors 
to open. Miss Denny was greatly elated when she ar- 
rived and found the rooms so nearly full. thought 
1 understood the needs of the hour,” she exclaimed, toss- 
ing her head and endeavoring to look wise, but it was 
hard work beneath the tall structure of feathery vanity 
that adorned her head. But finally when the hour had 
passed for beginning the festivities and she could hardly 
make her way across the room she concluded the need 
of that particular hour was a little more room. I was 
in the alcove where the bronze statue of Lincoln, already 
referred to, was placed and I felt myself becoming grad- 
ually hemmed in until the Proclamation of Emancipa- 
tion in the extended hand of the figure was nearly buried 
in my back. Panting and breathless. Miss Denny reached 
me, having left portions of her lace dress at odd intervals 
on her way. 

cannot have this!” she exclaimed pettishly, as 
though I had been smuggling the people in on purpose 
to annoy her. "'Now you must get these people, some 
of them, out of here.” 


Miss Denny’s Problem 


131 


I can get out myself, I can very easily do that/’ 
I replied meekly. ^^The police will help me.” 

^‘^But you need not ask the police. I do not wish 
the girls offended/’ Miss Denny replied. 

you had used tickets as I suggested, this ” 

‘^What business have you making suggestions, any 
way ?” Miss Denny hissed under her breath, for she wished, 
on the surface, to appear the fair and genial hostess. ‘^Go 
to that party of Germans standing around the door and 
tell them Did you ever see the audacity !” This ex- 

clamation was elicited by her discovery that Lena Deck- 
enbachschmitt, the German girl who had roused her ire, 
was present in spite of the threat attached to her ap- 
pearance. ^^You must get that girl out right away. I 
do not care how many police you take for that piece of 
work. But the others, just ask them, quietly, but 
firmly, to go.” 

This injunction I proceeded to carry out as soon as I 
could work my toilsome way through the crowd, which 
every minute was increasing. 

But gentleness and firmness were entirely thrown 
away on the party of Germans by the door. I felt con- 
vinced these people understood what I was saying to 
them. 

am sorry,” I began, ‘T shall have to ask you to 
leave this room.” 

Broad, beaming smiles appeared on their heavy features 
and they replied without moving an inch: 

^TTah, yah, werry goot, werry goot !” 

'^You do not understand what I say,” I replied, think- 
ing this time I would try pantomime. ^^This room, here, 
in this place,” accompanying each word with a gesticula- 
tion which I hoped might carry to their eye the mean- 
ing their ear refused to conceive. 


132 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


‘‘You must go out from — ^you must leave, you must 
depart, you must retire, you must vacate, 3^011 must — 

you must ” my list of synonyms becoming exhausted, 

I continued pointing energeticaly out of the door. A 
blankness and utter absence of all expression overspread 
their faces which made me feel as though the Stone Wall 
of China would be scintillating with fire and intelligence 
in comparison. 

A grunt and “Ich nicht verstehen,^^ was all the notice 
they deigned to any further remarks from me. I was 
not equal to picking up their massive frames, and I had 
no derrick to hoist the cumbersome loads out of the way, 
so they stood craning their necks and Jostling each other 
in order to see something, with no other result than to 
see hundreds of others engaged in a similar occupation 
the entire evening through. 

The girls showed their dissatisfaction with the way 
the evening had turned out by all staying at home the fol- 
lowing evening, except Lena Deckenbachschmitt. She ap- 
peared just as Miss Denny was expressing her dissatisfac- 
tion with me for not reducing the crowd ! 

Her black eyes were snapping, her thin arms were wav- 
ing round and the fearfully and wonderfully made mil- 
linery on her head was quivering under the excitement 
of the wearer. Her enunciation, never deliberate, was 
increased to three hundred words a minute. When she 
caught sight of Lena she darted at her and shook her 
straw-colored hair down about her ears, crying at the 
top of her voice: “Didn’t I tell you to go home? Didn’t 
I tell you to go home, stupid creature?” 

“Yah, yah,” responded the imperturbable German,- 
“and I goed. Why for you use me bad like dis?” 

“Because you were to go home and stay home and never 
to darken these doors again, dolt!” 


133 


Miss Denny’s Problem 

The German immediately began to whimper: 
pody’s ever told me to dolt pefore, and Ich nicht verstehen. 
I vill dolt if anypodies vill show me/’ 

^^You need not trouble yourself about dolting/’ ex- 
claimed Miss Denny, laughing in spite of herself at the 
ludicrous figure of the half-scared, half-weeping, but 
wholly obstinate Lena. ^^You need not trouble your- 
self about anything but just staying away from here and 
never returning.” 

'^Oh, yah, yah, 'return,’ dat iss to come back. I vill 
comes some oder days but not to-day. Pisness must pe 
seen to, eh ? so !” and reaching the door Lena dropped 
at least all of a curtsy that her little stiff knees and 
joints would allow and said, "Gute Nacht” with the air 
of a person compelled to leave dear friends. 

I received instructions to visit all the following day 
and to promise the girls a fine supper on the last even- 
ing of the week if they would be present the three re- 
maining evenings. And I was to procure tickets in order 
to avoid a repetition of the crowd. 

"I feel anxious to have a good number out especially 
the last evening, because my father has invited a Mrs. 
Islip to be present — an immensely wealthy woman — and 
if I can only get her interested she will enable me to 
show Ray Mettle and Annie Hopper a thing or two !” 

It was fortunate for me that I had taken a few of the^ 
girls’ addresses. For I visited them and obtained the 
names of others so that the following evening the 
rooms were well filled again. I enjoyed this work of 
visiting. The look of surprise and pleasure with which 
the girls greeted me if I went to their places of business, 
or their mothers, if I went to their homes, repaid me 
amply for the fatigue of climbing stairs or of walking 
in directions where no horse cars could carry me. 

I wonder if it will be imposing on the credulity of my 


134 Three Fair Philanthropists 

readers when I say that in my visiting I found ways of 
using money that seemed to me would accomplish fully 
as much good as spending it for big suppers? But it 
is scarcely necessary for me to add that I did not feel 
called upon to give the three fair philanthropists the 
benefit of my reflections. Indeed^ it would have been 
extremely dangerous for my peace of mind or further 
connection with the enterprise to have done so at this 
juncture of affairs, for the long-coveted notices in the 
daily papers began to appear and the young ladies were 
greatly elated. 

A column in one paper, a column and a half in another, 
and three-quarters of a column in a third, all leading 
dailies, gave the public to understand that there was com- 
menced a charity in New York city which in importance, 
in extent, in generosity, and unprecedented magnanimity 
had never been previously equaled. Brief sketches of the 
three young ladies at the head of the enterprise were 
given. These sketches were designed and colored accord- 
ing to the most approved angelic models. Their unselfish 
devotion to their noble undertaking was feelingly por- 
trayed; and as to their heroism in opposing all obstacles 
to the carrying out of their wonderful project, it was set 
forth in such a thrilling manner that big, salt, briny tears 
fell from Miss Hopper’s eyes as she read, threatening to be 
followed by others until there might have been an inun- 
dation. This catastrophe was averted, however, by her 
coming across a passage in the account where she was 
referred to as ^'Miss Popper.” Immediately the saline 
moisture was dried by her fiery indignation. She sat 
down in trembling and indignant haste and indited a 
missive to the editor which he is known to have pigeon- 
holed and marked a ^Thilippic to be used in hottest Polit- 
ical warfare; perhaps in the next Presidential Election 
Campaign.” 


Currents and Counter-Currents 135 


CHAPTER XIII. 

CUERENTS AND COUNTER-CURRENTS. 

I FEEL that I am devoting more time than I ought, to 
Miss Denny’s first week at the head of the club, but I 
cannot pursue another topic until I give the occurrences 
of the last evening. 

There were tickets to be taken this evening, as the 
supper which Miss Denny had promised the girls was to 
come from the best caterer in the city. 

Kipp Grassey was on hand and insisted on standing 
on one side of the door to help me receive the tickets. In 
the lulls between the arrivals he remarked, with his accus- 
tomed attempt to generalize: 

"They have not all been present the past week ?” 

"How do you come to be so wise ?” 1 asked, for he had 
kept out of sight and I knew he referred to Agnes Dear- 
born’s absence, concerning which he wished an explana- 
tion. 

"Oh, come, Mrs. Winn, you must not make fun of a 
fellow. You know I am not wise and never shall be. 
I wish I might know as much as — as you, for instance.” 

I laughed heartily at this oft-repeated compliment and 
said; "I have noticed that somxe people are always free 
with their compliments when they are desirous of elicit- 
ing information on certain subjects.” 

"Gad ! but there is no use in beating round the bush 
with you — ^you are so clever you see through a fellow 
just like chain lightning! So I might just as well tell 


136 Three Fair Philanthropists 

you what I was coining to! It was this — ^you know I 
haven’t given you any flowers for a week, and to-night 
I am going to bring you flowers and a two-pound box 
of Huyler’s candies — eh, Mrs. Winn? Now don’t say 
no. If you do, it will be five dollars thrown away, for 
that’s what they cost, and into the gutter they will go 
if they cannot be given to the one they were bought for.” 
And Mr. Kipp Grassey’s usually expressionless face was 
so transfigured by the presence of a determined idea as 
to be almost unrecognizable. I looked at him, smiling, 
for he had undergone a change which was pleasant to 
contemplate in the short time since we had first met. 
He no longer scorned to appear in a waistcoat and tie 
the second time. His light, straw-colored hair which he 
had formerly worn rather long and parted exactly in the 
middle of a peak-shaped head, giving it the appearance 
of a thatched roof, was now kept shorter and parted in 
more mannish wise. He still carried canes, but they 
were not such large, outlandish-headed things, and 
were to be seen less frequently in his mouth. 

‘^I say, Mrs. Winn, I don’t like the looks of a man 
and woman who have been following some one for a day 
or two back.” 

^W/hy, what makes you think they are following her?” 
I asked anxiously, my mind returning to what Agnes had 
told me of her legal difficulties. 

^^You know, Mrs. Winn, she has had to go down to 
her store evenings?” 

I nodded, for Agnes had said she should be in the 
court-room several hours in the afternoon and she had 
obtained permission to make up that absence at night. 

^^ell, a night or two ago, Mrs. Winn, I happened to 
come up Broadway behind her” (I was amused to hear him 
use the term ''Tiappen”) , %ut between us wasanasty, dirty- 


Currents and Counter-Currents 137 


looking man, with long, curly, black hair on his shoulders 
and a devilish leer on his face. He was walking with a 
squint-eyed, evil-looking woman, and I overheard him 
say to her: 'There^s our lamb! Look sharp, so youll 
be sure and know her in the dark or with your eyes bored 
out — ^that is what little you have left’ — and the man 
laughed as though at a pleasant jest 1 You may be sure, 
Mrs. Winn, I have been on hand every night since, and 
last night I saw that same woman, dressed like a beggar, 
come up and say a lot of stuff; as I got near she took 
hold of some one’s arm, and I inferred she was getting 
off the old dodge about her family of children starving 
and wanting some one to come in and see them. I tell 
you, Mrs. Winn, I was nearly dead with fear, for some one 
had started to follow! How I wished you might have 
happened along with your bright ideas! I have never 
said anything to some one, you know, Mrs. Winn, so I 
knew it would not be proper then and she would have 
probably gone with the woman to have got rid of me. 
The only thing that occurred to me to do was to run 
against her as by accident and send her (we were just 
at the corner of the street) on to the crossing, which I 
did, and two or three teams coming along just then kept 
her on the other side, while I flourished my cane around 
the lieafl of the old hag, who disappeared at a rattling 
pace in the opposite direction.” 

I had no time to express the dismay with which this 
recital filled me, because at that instant I happened to 
look toward the stairs and there my old enemies, the 
stolid -faced Germans, were coming up in numbers and 
sizes sufficient to exclude every other nationality from 
an area twice the extent of that at our disposal. 

‘^Oh, Mr. Grassey, those Germans! we must keep them 
out !” I cried excitedly. 


138 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


Their motions were so deliberate that it was easy 
enough for us to get outside the door and lock it from 
without before they were ready to enter. 

Here was an instance of superhuman effort being put 
forth not to elevate, but to lower the masses — to the extent 
of one pair of stairs at all events — and the effort came 
very near being of equal avail in the one case as in the 
other. I argued and gesticulated with the imperturbable 
crowd, and Mr. Grassey ran his hand through his hair, as 
was his wont in agitated moments, and tried to look 
fierce, as he said: 

‘^Look here, now, you must get out of this !” 

I whispered, ^Terhaps it would be well to flourish your 
cane a little.’’ 

^^Oh, never,” he returned, almost sinking down behind 
me, at the mere idea. '^Those fellows are big enough to 
throw me into next week. Besides they are not trying to 
hurt some one as the old woman was!” 

Just then our attention was diverted by the cries of a 
child, ^^Oh, Mummer Islip, Mummer Islip, come get me 
out !” it shouted lustily. We looked and beheld a head of 
beautiful curls between the legs of one of the tallest of the 
Germans and inferred that the little owner in working his 
way upstairs had passed between, what probably appeared 
to him two posts, but the two posts had suddenly changed 
their position and caught the curls, head and all. There 
was no need, however, of a suggestion that the prisoner be 
released, for the scratchings and bitings which young 
Master Grout began to lavish upon his captor supplied the 
idea instantly. The father of the lad soon appeared with 
^^Mummer Islip,” and to the former I applied for assistance. 

I had read of the wonderful power of sound but in all my 
previous life I had never witnessed a better illustration. 
African travellers tell us that the greatest power of the 


Currents and Counter-Currents 139 


lion — ^that king of beasts — lies not in tail or paw, although 
either will easily slay a man, but in the deep soul-terrifying 
roar, which unnerves and paralyzes the stoutest native 
heart. 

Mr. K. Eoundout Grout began forthwith to treat those 
Germans to a good imitation of the lion’s roar. They 
probably did not understand one word he said, for he 
enunciated his words very poorly. But he succeeded in 
conveying to their inert understandings an apprehensive- 
ness of future ill, founded on present deep thunder peals, 
which made them shake their heads dejectedly and turn to 
go downstairs, uttering their favorite ^^Yah, so.” And 
when the biggest had their backs fairly turned you could 
not have asked for a more valiant brave than Mr. Gras- 
sey. His cane fairly darkened the brightness of the gas 
he used it so freely, shaking it over friend and foe. But 
the most amusing sight was young Grout attempting to 
gesticulate and vociferate to ape his father. The excite- 
ment was so high at first we did not notice him, but as the 
Germans departed and there was greater calm and more 
space for the little fellow to prance around in, his efforts 
were greeted with shouts of appreciative laughter. There 
was the same jerk to the head and brandishing of the arms 
and in the baby voice the attempt to carry dismay to the 
heart of his adversary. 

Instead of seeing in this childish attempt at imitation 
a tribute to his oratorical powers, Mr. K. Kroundout 
Grout’s brow darkened and he said roughly : 

^T’ll teach you to make people laugh at your father, you 
young vagabond !” 

But the child bounded away to ^^Mummer Islip” before 
his father could seize him. And in the shelter of her pro- 
tecting arms and stimulated by her admiring laughter and 
praise he proceeded to make faces at his father and render 


140 Three Fair Philanthropists 

himself otherwise as entertaining as only a bright boy 
can. 

Miss Denny was in the midst of an intricate figure of 
the German, rapping and scolding the girls for their mis- 
takes, when Mrs. Islip was ushered into the rooms of the 
girls’ club. She left as soon as she could to greet the guest, 
but she did not reach her before Miss Hopper and Miss 
Mettle. 

Coquettish is an adjective rarely required to describe 
the actions of a woman over fifty, but after careful search- 
ing and weighing of the meanings of various other ex- 
pressions, we return to coquettish as the term best de- 
scribing the attitude Mrs. Islip assumed toward her three 
entertainers. A favorite attitude ; in fact, one that she had 
taken through life oftener than any other and one that 
she strove to emphasize by her dress and all her immediate 
surroundings. On the present occasion, for example, she 
wore an exceedingly light pearl-grey dress, with an under- 
skirt of white, braided in gilt. Her very pretty fair hair 
was drawn back under the tiniest, most jaunty grey bon- 
net, trimmed with delicate lavender flowers. The beau- 
tiful boy she led by the hand was attired like a Highland 
chief, and a bonny Scotch laddie he made. 

Mrs. Islip was too clever a woman not to understand 
the motives of the young ladies in their assiduous atten- 
tions. But, nevertheless, they pleased her. She even 
seemed to forget that she had previously found Miss Met- 
tle priggish. She listened attentively to the president’s 
lengthy recital of the needs of the enterprise, which, how- 
ever, might have been condensed into one little word, i. e., 
money. She smiled so sweetly on Miss Mettle that the 
others were wildly jealous. Indeed, Miss Denny felt very 
much discouraged when Mrs. Islip touched her lightly on 
the shoulder and asked : 


Currents and Counter-Currents 141 


^^What did you say you have been trying to teach these 
girls? That one” (pointing a dainty fan at the obsti- 
nate Lena) ^^is going around as thoug-h she were the mo- 
tive power to a four-horse power churn, while there is an- 
other one — she kinks herself up so rapidly and jumps 
around in such a queer manner that she makes me dizzy. 
Now, it seems to me — of course, I don’t pretend to be a 
judge” (laughing and looking archly over her fan) ^^ut 
still it seems to me if I made an attempt to teach any- 
thing I would teach it so other people could know what 
I’d been about. You know those are not considered the 
best pictures that have to be labelled in order to be recog- 
nized.” 

Miss Mettle and Miss Hopper applauded this thrust at 
their collaborator with great warmth. 

^^That’s just because Miss Denny refuses to follow my 
advice,” said Miss Mettle. ^^We ought to all teach the 
same thing.” 

^^Vell, if we taught the same thing, it ought to be poetry 
and the arts,” stoutly asserted Miss Hopper. 

^^No need of all teaching the same thing, by any means,” 
returned Mrs. Islip, with unusual sweetness — for the more 
crabbed people became around her, the more pleased and 
amiable she grew; %ut what you attempt to teach, let it 
be done well. Above everything else, don’t allow their 
dancing to be of such a mutilated, shambling or fierce, 
stilf or frantic, wild style as to be almost unrecognizable. 
Better they should never dance, though that would be a 
terrible evil!” 

Poor Miss Denny winced and would have liked to make 
some such retort as ^hhat her ladyship had better come 
and try it herself and see if she could do any better,” but 
she contented herself with saying: 

^‘Not being a professional, I suppose I have made mis- 


142 Three Fair Philanthropists 

takes, but, Mrs. Islip, if you had been here the last night 
of our most revered and honored president’s week I think 
you would have concluded the most she had succeeded in 
teaching was the art of purloining the refreshments, and 
you could not have found any fault as to the lessons not 
being well taught, for everything was taken.” 

The laugh was well turned on Eay Mettle now, and Mrs. 
Islip joined in it as heartily as any one. 

But while flaxen-haired Mrs. Islip, in her exquisite dress, 
is finding herself vastly entertained by her three attentive 
hostesses and favors them with suggestions whose impor- 
tance she emphasizes with sundry taps of her delicate lace 
fan, I was called to the door by the report that a stranger 
was there inquiring the whereabouts of a ^^school for econ- 
omy.” I thought to myself as I made my way to answer 
this call, school for economy ! What a rare jest some 
one must be trying to perpetrate on the young ladies!” 

But at the door I found a sweet-faced lady, who said, 
handing me a card which I recognized as one of those 
issued by the three fair philanthropists: 

^^My name is Mrs. Thatcher. Mr. Denny gave me this 
card and advised my visiting the place indicated thereon, 
but,” (glancing in and seeing the luxurious furnishings, 
the gay costumes, the waltzing, etc.,) must be mistaken 
in the locality.” 

"No, madam,” I replied ; "you are not mistaken. Those 
are our cards, and this is the place. Come right in and I 
will find you a seat,” for there was something very at- 
tractive to me in the simple, straightforward manners of 
this newcomer. I am one who believes with Wordsworth, 
that "men undervalue the power of simplicity, but it is the 
real key to the heart.” 

It was impossible for me to fully appreciate the contrast 
between the two figures — ^the woman of fashion, vain, friv- 


Currents and Counter-Currents 143 


olous, capricious; dabbling in philanthropy as she dabbled 
in wools for her sofa cushion; courted and flattered for 
what she might possibly give, although no one had heard 
of her doing more than any one can do, namely, ^^get up a 
reputation for benevolence by judiciously laying out a few 
dollars^’ — and the modest, tender-hearted woman, the 
woman after God’s own heart, who devoted not a limited 
tithe of her possessions but her all, which was herself. I 
say it was impossible for me to fully understand at the 
time the bold contrast between these two, Mrs. Islip and 
Mrs. Thatcher. 

But now, as I am writing, it comes over me with great 
force, and the blush of shame mantles my cheek as I think 
how the one was constantly surrounded by attentive, so- 
licitous admirers, her whimsicalities applauded and her 
weaknesses copied, while the other occupied the seat I gave 
her until out of the kindness of her heart she got up to 
give it to another, after which she was jostled and pushed, 
and would have withdrawn had I not caught sight of her 
in time to prevent her going. I thought it would be a 
mistake for her, if she was anxious to learn economy, to 
miss the supper of salades, ice creams and such like abso- 
lute necessaries to the young ladies, wherewith the eco- 
nomical enterprise was maintained. It was impossible for 
me to do more, however, than get her a seat in a corner and 
hurriedly serve her, while at a table apart her gay, heart- 
less contrast, Mrs. Islip, with the three fair philanthro- 
pists and other friends made merry, with plenty of elbow 
room and the choicest of the viands. 

Any one that was of an observant turn of mind, how- 
ever, would have noticed a degree less of airiness, jest and 
flippancy in Mrs. Islip’s demeanor as she sat at the table, 
and the cause of this change was due to a fragment of 
conversation she had overheard just before she took her 
seat. She was engaged in chat with Kector Mortimer An- 


144 Three Fair Philanthropists 

gustus Dunraven, standing next to the heavy portieres 
v/hieh separated the deep alcove from the main room, and 
which were now drawn to make a pleasant teie-d-tete apart- 
ment of the smaller space. The rector was giving her an 
eloquent description of the needs of their parish, which 
needs might have been resolved into one word, and that 
the same used to express the needs of the girls’ club. 

It was quite easy for her to listen to the droning and 
deliberate speech of her companion, to sigh sympathetic- 
ally at his tales of the distress which it was his wish to 
relieve, and to inspire his breast with hopes of checks for 
large amounts by her bewitching smiles, while at the same 
time she caught the main part of the conversation going 
on on the other side of the portiere. She could not tell 
who was the other party taking part in the discourse, but 
aU her interest and curiosity were on the alert as she heard 
her son-in-law say, apparently with deep emotion: 

^^But how can I give her up? I tell you I love her! 
And I’d marry her to-morrow.” 

^^But we cannot do things in such a hurry, though for 
my part there is nothing I would like better,” responded a 
voice. 

^^Surely her affections are not enlisted in favor of such 
a contemptible man as that 

^^Hush ! he is here to-night, and might not be pleased to 
know in what estimation he is held.” 

^^But, my dear Mrs. Mrs. Islip was conscious of 

inclining her head to try and catch the name, which es- 
caped her, while the rector thought she was showing un- 
usual interest in his conversation. She was just about to 
complain of weariness and ask the rector to take her into 
that alcove to look for a seat, when her entertainers came 
up and insisted on escorting her to a table on a raised 
platform where the guests of the evening were to be 
supped. 


Currents and Counter-Currents 145 


tell you, I love her,” kept sounding in Mrs. Islip’s 
ears, and she longed to have the identity of that ^^her” es- 
tablished so that she might with more certainty know how 
to act. She watched the persons coming out of the alcove, 
but so many appeared when Mr. Grout did that she was 
afforded no clew to the solution of the mystery. 

^^You love her and you’d marry her to-morrow, indeed !” 
she repeated to herself as her eyes rested on her son-in- 
law. ‘Terhaps you would, but perhaps Fll have something 
to say about it !” 


146 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


CHAPTER XIV. 

A PICTURE OF THE ISLIP HOUSEHOLD. 

There was a malady with which Mrs. Islip was fre- 
quently attacked that is not, in the author’s humble opin- 
ion, to be found classified in any medical dictionary; 
neither has there yet been discovered a drug for inward or 
outward application which is able to quell its ravages. It 
is commonly known as the ^^party fever,” and rages with 
the most irresistible destructiveness in the winter months. 

When Mrs. Islip had an attack she was able to admin- 
ister a panacea more easily than some ladies, because hers 
was the charmed name that gave the checks and notes of 
^^Silas Islip & Co., Commission Brokers, Nassau Street,” 
any value. Consequently, when her husband detected the 
first symptoms he usually drew a deep sigh, especially if 
he was in need of a little extra assistance (which, by the 
way, was. a chronic condition with him) in his precarious 
business; but he rarely offered any remonstrance. Once 
he tried the ruse of complaining of feeling ill, and sug- 
gesting that terrifying (to some wives) act of making his 
will. This served to obtain for him a trained nurse and a 
trip to the Bermudas, but in his absence his wife gave the 
grandest ball of the season, an entertainment at which ap- 
peared counts, countesses, dukes, duchesses, all of the no- 
blest extraction, and the President of the United States, 
while no one could -estimate the number of possible future 
Presidents, together with senators, representatives, generals, 
lieutenants, judges, lawyers, doctors of medicine, divinity 
and philosophy. If any entitled persons were present their 


A Picture of the Islip Household 147 


names were discreetly omitted from the list which the 
morning papers gave of this magnificent affair. All these 
titled personages, let me repeat, appeared to grace this 
wonderful occasion, but in consequence Mr. Islip was 
obliged to disappear from Nassau street and all his favor- 
ite haunts. 

^^Silas, dear,” his wife had said, as she patted him lightly 
on the cheek with her two forefingers, ^‘you must give up 
your business for a while; my income goes farther when 
you are not trying to make money.^^ 

Mr. Islip never forgot the lesson he learned at that time, 
and his health was always excellent thereafter, however 
poorly his wife insisted he was looking when she herself 
was about to be seized with the malady indicated above. 

Allusion has been made to the marriage and early death 
of Mrs. Islip^s only daughter. The season of mourning de- 
creed by the uncompromising goddess of fashion she had 
observed with superstitious exactness, though how she 
chafed at the interruption to her darling pastimes may be 
inferred from the fact that even when her somber dress 
prevented her from openly joining in festivities at friends’ 
houses she would occupy obscure nooks and gaze with un- 
utterable longings at scenes she could not otherwise en- 

joy- 

But at length the time had passed — the exact number of 
days to the very minute and second that the highest au- 
thorities gave as due to the memory of a daughter she had 
enveloped herself in crepe, plain black, lavender and grey — 
and now she was able to wear what she pleased, to go where 
she pleased, and to give what she pleased. Her mind nat- 
urally turned to thoughts of a grand entertainment, and 
especially was this the case the morning after her presence 
at the club rooms, which has been described in the last 
chapter. 


148 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


She felt that those young ladies needed points on the 
correct way of receiving and entertaining that she would 
like to give them, and that she could give them in no other 
way so well as by inviting them to a correctly managed 
affair. Not but what she realized there would be a differ- 
ence between the entertainment she would give and that 
the young ladies invited her to. At the same time, there 
were important rules about the number of knives and 
forks about each plate, the changes in napkins, the right 
place for candelabra and the exact number of drops in the 
finger-bowls. In all of these important matters the young 
ladies had shown themselves deficient in knowledge con- 
cerning their right performance, and she would like to 
undertake to educate them. She depended on her son-in- 
law to invite congressional and judicial friends. As her 
maid was giving the last touches to her morning toilet she 
thought she would make out a list with him that very 
morning. 

A commotion in the hall, arising from loud, angry 
tones in her son-in-law and his child’s voices made her listen 
a moment, and she heard the father ask : 

^^What are you doing, Eoundout?” 

There was a pause, when he demanded the second time : 

^^What are you about, sir this time very sternly, 
ain’t doing nussin’ ’cept to make me some paste for 
my kite,” replied the child, looking up and speaking with 
deliberation, while using his father’s best beaver as a 
paste-pot. 

should say that was quite enough!” exclaimed Mr. 
Grout, seizing the hat in one hand and the boy in the 
other. ^^Let me teach you a lesson, you young vagabond, 
to let your father’s best things alone I” he continued, shak- 
ing the boy until his grandmamma’s pet curls stood in 
every direction. 


A Picture of the Islip Household 149 


^^You san’t teach me miffin’, you nasty old baby of a 
Papa Grout ; leave me alone !” he shrieked. ^^You’s hating 
(hurting) my arm ! I’ll tell Mummer Islip, and she’ll set 
the dog on you ! Give me my paste ; I will have my paste 1” 

With unabated energy the child kept up his screaming 
and crying, while his attempts at injuring his father’s 
shins with his infantile feet might have been amusing to 
one who had never heard nor felt any interest in the ob- 
servance of the fifth commandment. 

A rustle at the head of the stairs was quickly followed 
by the appearance, in an elaborate pink and blue morning 
costume, of Mrs. Islip. 

^^hat is the matter with mamma’s precious boy?” she 
cried, opening her arms and pillowing the angry boy’s head 
upon her breast. 

^^Make Papa Grout give me my paste. Mummer Islip,” 
he sobbed. 

Mrs. Islip was a lady who prided herself on her calm- 
ness and serenity under all circumstances. 

^^Why, I wonder what Papa Grout can possibly want of 
poor little Eoundout’s paste,” she murmured in her sweet- 
est tone of voice. 

The gentleman referred to had stepped out of the hall 
just before Mrs. Islip’s appearance, but had returned in 
time to hear her last remark. 

"The principal thing I should like of . the rascal’s paste 
is that it should be kept out of my new beaver hat ! Where 
is his nurse ?” he demanded. 

"Why, my precious lamb, did you make paste in your 
papa’s Sunday-go-to-meeting hat ? Why, how very naugh- 
ty !” 

"’Ess I did. Mummer Islip,” whispered to her with both 
his chubby arms around her neck, "and I s’all make some 


150 Three Fair Philanthropists 

more there, too, the next chance I get, for he s’ook (shook) 
me awful !’^ 

His reproof came in peals of laughter, interspersed with 
ardent embraces and kisses, while Mrs. Islip said : 

^^Oh, what a naughty boy ! How shall we punish him ?” 

^^Better give him a sugar plum and a trip to the carou- 
sal at the park exclaimed Mr. Grout, ironically. no- 
tice that is the usual way the boy is punished, until he is 
becoming so unbearable there will be no living in the 
house with him 

isn’t! You is!” shouted the defiant three-year-old, 
shaking his curly head at his father. 

The boy had ventured away from his grandmother’s 
arms when he made this bold speech, and stood pointing his 
chubby fist with outstretched five fingers like a veritable 
little imp. 

^T’ll teach you to talk like that to your father,” replied 
Mr. Grout, suddenly putting out his hand, but the child 
was the quicker. He darted back to Mrs. Islip’s arms, 
with the cry: 

^^Oh, save me, mummer !” 

^^There cannot anything or anybody hurt my darling 
while safe in my arms, can there, you beautiful dear!” 
exclaimed the grandmother, covering the boy with kisses 
and twisting his really beautiful hair around her slender 
fingers. ^Tt does seem a trifie strange,” she continued, 
musingly in the same sweet tone of voice, ^^that a son 
should need protection from his father. Hot many par- 
ents could feel anything but pride at owning such a lovely 
boy.” 

wonderfully lovely boy, that, I should say !” returned 
Mr. Grout. ^^Any little street Arab would not go ahead of 
him in impudence nor in want of affection. You ought to 
have seen him try to kick me just now !” 


A Picture of the Islip Household 151 

This brought out another burst of approving laughtei 
from Mrs. Islip, with renewed kisses, while she looked re- 
provingly at her darling and said: 

^^Oh, what a naughty boy! What shall we do with 
him?’^ 

^‘Give him his owny-donty paste, mummer, and see what 
a nice kite he’ll make I” 

^‘Well, I guess we will have to try it,” replied Mrs. 
Islip. 

^Terhaps you think I will allow my child to trample 
over me in that way,” rejoined Mr. Grout. ''No, sir, you 
cannot have the paste.” 

^^Can’t I have it, mummer?” exclaimed the boy, begin- 
ning to whimper. 

“Oh, I guess Papa Grout will give it to you !” returned 
Mrs. Islip, serenely. “You did not mean to injure his hat, 
did you, love ?” 

“Whether he meant it or not, he will not have the paste,” 
returned Mr. Grout, glumly. 

“’Ess I will!” replied the little fellow, commencing to 
roar lustily. 

As he roared he jumped up and down, while his father 
replied to his importunities at the top of his lungs till the 
tumult was something appalling. 

“What is the matter?” exclaimed Mr. Islip, appearing 
at this juncture. “You made such a racket as I stood out- 
side I summoned two policemen to be within call in case of 
any emergency.” 

“I should think you would have become accustomed to 
our son’s method of disciplining his child by this time,” ex- 
claimed Mrs. Islip in the calm, satisfied tones of one who 
had been attending a highly edifying exhibition in which 
her own superior management had enabled everything to 
come to a satisfactory issue. 


152 Three Fair Philanthropists 

^‘Discipline him? I just want you to understand I am 
going to begin and discipline him if I have to break every 
bone in his body to do it ! He is not going to talk to me 
the way he has this morning with impunity/^ 

“I think myself the child needs training/^ suggested Mr. 
Islip, looking interrogatively at his wife as if for permis- 
sion to express himself. 

“Mummer Islip, she does train me,” sobbed the boy, who 
was sitting on his grandmother’s knee. 

“And now she will have to let Papa Grout train you, 
eh?” 

“JSTo, no !” screamed the child, putting both arms tight 
around her neck. 

“Come, do not let him get started again. Where is his 
nurse?” asked the pacific Mr. Islip. 

“Silas, why need you concern yourself with matters that 
do not belong to your province to control? If I wanted 
the nurse to come for this boy I should send for her with- 
out any help from you !” 

Silas was enough of a philosopher and a lawyer not to 
reply when his wife spoke like that. He knew it was be- 
cause she was out of temper with her son-in-law. In 
fact, he had observed that each of them when angry with 
the other always spoke crossly to anybody else but very 
civilly and politely to the one against whom they felt the 
deepest rancor, so he contented himself with going to the 
window and whistling plaintively, “Bonnie Sweet Bessie, 
the Maid o’ Dundee.” 

Mrs. Islip realized by the dark scowl on her son-in-law^s 
brow and his glum answers when spoken to that she had 
carried matters as far as it was expedient, seeing she 
wished him to be good-natured enough to make out that 
list. She therefore called Eoundout’s nurse, and during 
the breakfast which followed applied herself to the task of 


A Picture of the Islip Household 153 

smoothing the disturbed gentleman’s ruffled plumage. 
This proved a more difficult task than she had antici- 
pated. All her pleasant tales were listened to with a cold, 
absent-minded air. After they left the table she said 
something about her check book which made her husband 
hasten upstairs for it and appear again with a celerity that 
was damaging to a healthy circulation, as he said : 

"Imogen, star of my life, it is five thousand you owe me 
this time/’ for Mr. Islip had a facetious way of calling 
what he wanted his wife to give him an indebtedness. 

Even this usually interesting preliminary did not start 
the cloud from Mr. Grout’s brow nor cause him to linger 
in the society of his fair mother-in-law. He was in 
the hall putting on his hat and coat when Mrs. Islip said 
to her husband: 

"How, Silas, why can you not take pattern from our 
dear son-in-law in not wanting anything? You see, he is 
going off perfectly satisfied, and you want a check for five 
thousand.” 

"Perfectly satisfied!” ejaculated the gloomy ex-member 
of Congress, returning and thereby falling into the snare 
laid for him by his bland, wily connection by marriage. 

"Perfectly satisfied!” Mr. Grout mumbled something 
about all the evil spirits in the nether regions being satis- 
fied, but that he was not by any manner of means ! 

Mrs. Islip laughed one of her silvery, complimentary 
laughs. 

"Hot satisfied? Why, how strangely you talk. Son-in- 
law Grout ! What is necessary to complete your happi- 
ness? nothing in the money line, I hope, for then I shall 
be unable to hold you up as a model for my husband to 
follow !” 

But Mr. Grout was certain that there was a partial alle- 
viation for his woes in that very direction. The truth was. 


154 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


he had made up his mind to strike for a little over three 
thousand dollars in order to give Miss Mettle the sum she 
borrowed from the rector^ with the proviso that she have 
nothing more to do with the church dignitary, but name 
an early day when she would consent to be Mrs. K. Eound- 
out Grout number two. He knew, however, that his fair 
mother-in-law would oppose such a plan with all her might, 
for, added to the usual dislike of a first wife’s relations to 
a second marriage, was her love for her grandchild and her 
fear that he might be taken from her at the instigation of 
a second wife. 

'^But, Imogen,” her husband had expostulated, not shar- 
ing his wife’s admiration for the boy, ^fit would relieve 3mu 
of a great deal of care and trouble. I should not think you 
would mind. Moreover, very few women but would be 
glad to have you keep the lad,” continued Mr. Islip, feel- 
ing that if it were impossible to get rid of the two ills he 
would like to see the greater evil removed. 

'^Silas !” exclaimed her ladyship with unusual warmth, 
^^don’t you believe it ! There are very few women but 
would insist on having the lad, if for nothing else in order 
to have something to torment!” In which judgment the 
reader can see refiected the lady’s own proclivities. 

Mr. K. Eoundout Grout felt certain that he knew why 
his mother-in-law was so unusually amiable, hence he de- 
termined before he would consent to use his inestimably 
precious influence in inviting the guests that only he had 
access to she would give him the sum he wanted. 

^Tmogen,” said Mr. Islip, breaking into the discussion 
between his wife and son-in-law, ^Tmogen, fairest one, and 
dearest, had you not just as soon make out my check be- 
fore you decide this other matter?” and Mr. Islip threw 
as much pathos into his voice as he could, while his coun- 
tenance was overspread by an expression of such sorrow- 


A Picture of the Islip Household 155 

ful resignation that an unprejudiced beholder might have 
mistaken him for a man returning from the funeral serv- 
ice over the grave of his wife. 

Mrs. Islip stopped a moment, wrote a check, tore it out 
of her book and handed it to her sad-faced liege. 

^^But Imogen, my life’s bright star, this check is only 
for five hundred dollars ! I said five thousand, and you 
surely do not mean to treat your own best beloved in so 
illiberal a manner. Why, that would be giving that fellow 
the most,” and Mr. Islip thrust his thumb out toward his 
son-in-law with a contemptuous movement. 

^^But I have not given ^that fellow’ anything yet!” re- 
turned Mrs. Islip, ^^and how do you know I will ?” 

^^From past sad experience,” returned Mr. Islip. ^^Now, 
just put another cipher after these two,” he said, holding 
the check of five hundred before her. ‘^That’s a beautiful 
dear — just one more cipher.” 

^^I can see very plainly what you two men want,” re- 
turned Mrs. Islip. ^^You want to beggar me completely! 
How many incomes could stand the strain of giving out 
eight thousand five hundred dollars at once, and that just 
before the outlay absolutely necessary to keeping up the po- 
sition in society that belongs to me?” being the way Mrs. 
Islip was wont to refer to her party-loving propensity. 

Her husband’s only response was a melancholy groan, 
while he buried his face in his hands. 

^^Well, Silas, I don’t see what there is for you to groan 
at. I should think I was the one to do the groaning. You 
ought to have married a woman without a cent in the 
world, who would have pestered the life out of you for 
thousands and thousands of dollars besides her board and 
clothes. If I were a Theosophist I would prophesy that to 
be your condition in your next state, and I guess then 
your groans might rend the air to some purpose ! But 


156 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


what I would like to know/^ she continued, changing her 
subject by the occurrence of a sudden thought, ‘^is this: 
How is the patent suit litigation coming on 

The two men did not seem anxious to respond, but stood 
eyeing each other doggedly, until at length Mr. Islip said, 
hesitatingly : 

^^Well, Imogen, it is coming on after a fashion.’^ 

^'After a fashion,^’ repeated Mrs. Islip, impatiently, 
^Vell, what kind of a fashion?” 

^^Slow, Imogen, d slow, if you must have it ! The 

processes of law can never be said to resemble the motions 
of a Chicago flyer, as you very well know. But even their 
snail-like progress may be interfered with, if a sufficiently 
great obstacle appears in their way.” And here Mr. Islip 
directed his glance at his son-in-law in a manner not to be 
mistaken, and which caused that individual to say, after a 
few strong ejaculations : 

presume you mean me, but I would like to know how 
I could help it ? I was always sent for either too early in 
the morning or else when I had some other engagement. I 
am ready to go when they consult my convenience.” 

^^Your convenience. Son-in-law Grout!” said Mrs. Is- 
lip. ^^How long since you imagined the law could dance 
attendance on your convenience ? Ha, ha, ha 1 The airs 
you have given yourself since you were a member of Con- 
gress have made me think possibly you had mistaken your- 
self and had your identity mixed up with that Oriental 
Cham we read about, who daily proclaimed by sound of 
trumpet to the kings in the four comers of the earth that 
they, having dutifully awaited the close of his dinner, 
might with his royal license go to their own. You will 
graciously permit the law to summon you when not occu- 
pied with your august slumbers nor your still more im- 
portant diversions. Now, I suppose you are anxious to 


A Picture of the Islip Household 157 


have this money, this thirty-five hundred, to settle con- 
tempt of court processes 

^^mogen, that is a good one!’’ exclaimed her husband, 
rapturously imprinting a kiss on her forehead. ‘^You are 
the cleverest woman I know! I do not understand why 
you are not on the bench as chief justice. But I’ll be sure 
and vote for you next election day if you’ll just put on this 
extra cipher!” 

^^Silas, you must first tell me what you are intending to 
do with this money,” replied his wife. 

Mr. Islip evaded this request as long as he could, but 
when he was certain that his wife would not yield he con- 
fided to her in a whisper that Eector Dunraven had prom- 
ised to invest the sum for him in a most magnificent 
scheme where it was going to bring in thirty or forty per 
cent, interest. 

‘^ell, Silas, if this scheme proves to be worth anything 
it will be the first time in your history that you have been 
successful. But, all the same, I will be ready to add to this 
sum on the payment of your first dividends. I would not 
care how many thousand I had invested at thirty per 
cent.” 

^^There, Imogen, I knew you would be sorry for having 
spoken so sharply to your best and only beloved. I have 
the making of a fortune in me somewhere, I know.” 

‘^1 hope you will soon discover the locality of such a de- 
sirable trait, for as yet you have only displayed the ability 
to lose. However, we must not forget there is no lane so 
long but at last there comes a turning,” replied Mrs. 
Islip. 

Her husband had reached the door with his check in his 
hand when he stopped and said; 

^There, Imogen, I forgot; I promised Dunraven I’d 
mention to you the needs of our parish.” 


158 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


^^You might have saved yourself the trouble/’ returned 
his wife, ^^for the gentleman did that himself, and I mean 
to send him a ten-dollar bill or so.” 

After the departure of Mr. Islip there was a long and 
spirited debate over the amount Mrs. Islip was asked to 
give her son-in-law. Not until she learned the three thou- 
sand was to be used benevolently did she feel like yielding. 
Then she said to herself : ^‘That means he wants to give 
it to the girls’ club, and I will let him fill out the blank 
for the name thereon, which, when it returns, will solve the 
mystery of the person he ^oves and would marry to-mor- 
row.’ ” After this matter was settled then came the mak- 
ing out of the list for the impending grand party, ball, or 
rout, or whatever you might feel like calling it. 


Reverend Dunraven 


159 


CHAPTER XV. 

BEVEEEND MORTIMER AUGUSTUS DUNRAVEN. 

There was another person beside Mrs. Islip who found 
food for reflection from the events which transpired and 
the people interviewed during the last evening of Miss 
Denny’s week. That person was the Eev. Mortimer Au- 
gustus Dunraven. He had not only gained some very good 
points concerning the character of his wealthiest lady par- 
ishioner, Mrs. Islip, which might have been found entered 
epigrammatically in his notebook in Latin opposite that 
lady’s name as follows: 

dove in appearance but not in practice. Of which 
fish in the sea can you say, ^That is mine’? Hone, by 
J ove ! unless you catch them, which I mean to do.” 

He had also been able to hold just the attitude toward 
Miss Hevins and Miss Mettle to augment their interest in 
him and add new names to the list of his admirers. 

The following morning the rector lay comfortably doz- 
ing in his luxurious bed, which, we must tell our readers in 
an aside, was supposed to be a carved altar by his domes- 
tics, it being in reality a folding-bed. He wished to have 
the credit of great austerity in his manner of life, so his 
room was furnished with an iron bedstead, on which was 
a thin, hard mattress. Even this scanty protection he was 
careful to have removed during Lent, as he then wished to 
be thought to lie on the hard strips of iron supporting the 
bed. A servant had instructions to call him at an early 
hour, ostensibly for the purpose of holy matins, but he also 


160 Three Fair Philanthropists 

made it one of his occupations at that hour to transform his 
luxurious couch into an altar and by an extremely simple 
process to give his hard iron bed the look of having been 
used. 

The Rev. Mortimer Augustus Dunraven was a firm be- 
liever in the use of all the externals to assist in giving an 
air of sanctity to his life, especially when their use might 
be made to interfere so little with his actual comfort. His 
table was another point where he strove to impress this 
same idea on his servants, and through them on the world 
at large. For his breakfast and tea he only allowed por- 
ridge to be prepared; for his dinner, meat, one vegetable 
and bread. But there are restaurants in convenient, out- 
of-the-way places in Hew York which helped him amaz- 
ingly in lightening the rigors of such a diet. Two waiters 
in this restaurant were overheard discussing the capacities 
of their various customers, and one called Jim said: 

^T’d be willing to wager this ^ere gold chain of mine 
against your’n’^ (which anybody could see with half an eye 
was pewter) ^That no one in this establishment has a gent 
to wait on as can eat so much or such a queer lot of stuff 
as a thin, measly, yellow-faced priest as allers comes to 
my table. He do beat everything in that line I ever see 

'^Well, I’ve a man as can go through five courses, and 
good big uns, too, inside ten minutes, for many’s the meal 
as I’ve timed him,” returned Jim’s companion, setting 
down a tumbler which he had been polishing with extra 
care. 

"Oh, my man don’t eat in courses !” replied Jim. "He’s 
as apt as not to begin with the dessert ! How, yesterday 
he asked for rice pudding first, then for apple dumpling, 
then for mince pie, then for charlotte russe, then for two 
plates of ice cream, and he finished off with nuts, raisins 
and fruits. If it’s religion as enables him to go without 


Reverend Dunraven 


161 


meat and taters I’ve a great notion to get it on account of 
the saving ’twonld be !” 

heap of saving, yon donkey, if yon had to pay for all 
them sweets instead!” 

^^Why, snre enongh ; I never thought of that 1” 

But, to return to the young Kev. Mortimer Augustus 
Dunraven and his reflections. He had heard the knock of 
his faithful housekeeper and her **Pax vobiscumT which 
accompanied by the rustle of her dress, told that she had 
risen from the prostration she was wont to make when 
she, all unworthy, had been so audacious as to break the 
slumbers of the saintly man she was proud to call her mas- 
ter. 

He had replied vohiscumr but had made no fur- 
ther sign of returning consciousness. The truth was, he 
was plunged in deep reflection. He was finding himself 
surrounded with difficulties of various kinds. Lending 
that three thousand dollars, for one thing, had resulted in 
a commotion that was by no means settled by the collection 
Mr. Bowman, with such chivalrous intentions, had taken 
up to relieve the temporary embarrassment of the Mission 
in the person of Mrs. Thatcher. The ire of Mr. Griffin had 
been roused by the unexpected demand made on his pocket- 
book, and he was heard to mutter and mumble something 
about his ^^making it hot for those fellows.” Muttering 
and mumbling that resembled the premonitory symptoms 
of life in a volcano. 

Ho attention had been paid to these portentous signs, 
for Mr. Griffin was always to be found in the ranks of the 
^^opposition,” which meant that he was not on either one 
side or the other of a debatable case, but violently opposed 
to both. He had stormed with a violence that would have 
proven disastrous to the shipping on the Atlantic coast, 
after the door closed on Mrs. Thatcher, at the idea of Mr. 


162 Three Fair Philanthropists 

Elijah Bowman extracting that contribution from him. 
Consequently, he was trying to even up matters, and, as 
he was trustee of the fund, the interest from which was 
left to support the Mission, he was using his influence to 
suspend further disbursements from that quarter until — 
the legal expression he meant to use was: '^Suitable ex- 
amination could be made that said monies were used in ac- 
cordance with testator’s last will and testament,” but Mr. 
Griffin’s more private and familiar phraseology was, ^^Un- 
til he made those fellows squirm.” 

Mr. Griffin could not have selected a more unfortunate 
time for the rector’s plans to operate on his brethren in 
the manner designated above, because it had cost a great 
deal to introduce the new order of ceremonial and build 
the addition to he used as confessional corridor, besides a 
still larger enterprise he had on hand. He had depended 
on the Mission not only to run itself, but to help keep 
other branches of the church work going. 

^^There!” burst out the rector in the midst of his sol- 
emn thoughts, must not forget I am to have pasted up 
the notices of the increase of the confessional fee to five 
dollars. I should like to ask that Miss Nevins twenty. 
She takes up so much of my time telling her doubts, which 
might all be resolved into one stupendous doubt as to 
whether she was going to get a husband. If it would not 
he so detrimental to my interests in other matters I should 
like nothing better than to resolve all her doubts and place 
her feet on the solid foundation of cold, hard fact in re- 
gard to one source of great uncertainty with her, namely, 
whether she is going to get me or not. But no, I must deny 
myself the satisfaction such a straightforward course would 
give me, for the good of the cause.” 

And the Kev. Mortimer Augustus Dunraven heaved a 
lugubrious sigh and turned himself over in bed as though 


Reverend Dunraven 


163 


the mental view of himself in such an attitude of virtuous 
self-forgetfulness was extremely oppressive. 

At this juncture he heard a rustling without his door 
which made him start in great surprise and look at his 
watch. It was an hour later than usual. He began a mo- 
notonous droning which was to convey to his housekeeper 
the intelligence that his devotions were not yet finished. 
Then there was the difficult task of converting his bed into 
an altar. This could not be done without certain thump- 
ings and movings which he preferred to have take place 
with his housekeeper at a little further distance, so he 
called through the door : 

^^Johannah ! Johannah ! if you would not mind, I wish 
you would yourself go around to the news stand on the next 
street and get my morning paper. I want it a little 
earlier this morning.’^ 

^^Most gladly, master,” replied a low, gentle voice, and 
after the rustling of the woman’s dress had died away the 
reverend gentleman proceeded to finish the more noisy part 
of the arrangements of his room. He was so desirous of 
hastening that he did not hear several timid little knocks. 
But, thinking the time would be limited for him to ac- 
complish what he wanted to, he rattled around with less 
caution than usual. At the final bang, however, in the 
transformation process there came a scream, and the voice 
that had just spoken so gently called with trembling emo- 
tion: 

^^Oh, master! Good master! I know you have fallen 
with weakness from your protracted heavenly communings. 
If you can only crawl to the door and open it so that I 
can bring you refreshment! I have been anxious about 
you for a long time.” 

The rector, after mentally consigning his housekeeper 
to various remote quarters of the globe, concluded she had 


164 Three Fair Philanthropists 

suggested about as wise a course of conduct as any for 
him to pursue, so he groaned pathetically and said: 

^^Yes, Johannah, perhaps I do need refreshment. I will 
get the door open as soon as I can.” 

There were several things still out of place, which he 
stepped lightly around and arranged, and finally when 
with apparent superhuman effort he struggled to open 
the door, Johannah’s tears fell like rain at the sight of his 
pale, sallow face and prostrate figure. She brought cush- 
ions for his head and crossed herself every time her un- 
worthy hands touched the body of the man she esteemed so 
sacred, so holy, so immeasurably the superior of the rest 
of mankind. 

^Tt was so fortunate that I came back to learn the name 
of the paper,” she murmured to herself as she adjusted 
the shade at the window that the light might not injure 
her master’s eyes. That individual lay apparently with 
his eyes closed, though in reality he had one open, with 
which he was regarding Johannah. The woman was a 
constant pleasure to him as a study. She was fine-looking, 
with a tall, shapely figure and a well-proportioned head. 
She had beautiful hair, very thick and long and of a rich 
chestnut color, which she parted in the middle of a low 
forehead and brought down in a very unbecoming manner 
over her ears, while her large, melancholy, brown eyes 
looked out from under her heavy brows with a wistful sad- 
ness. 

A depressingly doleful atmosphere surrounded this good 
woman, and a close observer might have detected set lines 
about her mouth and chin which seemed to say, will be 
melancholy, and no one shall keep me from it.” When she 
first came to live with the rector she was in the kitchen, 
and prepared his meals, but she burned so many of the 
dishes while she was engaged in her devotions that he de- 


Reverend Dunraven • 


165 


cided to remove her from that position. She was alto- 
gether too valuable a person to lose from his household, 
however, so he gave her general charge. 

should be resigned to all providential dispensa- 
tions, Johannah,^^ said the rector, in a weak voice, while 
he kept his one eye open to see what effect his words would 
have. He enjoyed working on her sensibilities. 

^^Oh, yes indeed, master, that we should. I know I^m 
very wicked, because I can't be resigned. And, then, to 
think that such a worthless worm as I, who am not fit to 
live, should dare not to be resigned. Oh, it is dreadful to 
think of! I often wonder God does not strike me dead. 
But I guess He thinks I’m not fit to be touched, even with 
one of His arrows.” 

^Terhaps it would help you to be resigned to think how 
much worse things might be, J ohannah. I might be taken 
away.” 

^^Oh, master,” sobbed the woman on her knees and 
wringing her hands before him, ^^you don’t think He will ! 
You don’t think God will take from this wicked world 
one who is trying so hard to make things better? If I 
could only persuade Him to take me instead! But what 
presumption to think He’d listen to anything such a sin- 
ner as I might suggest! But you ask Him! Plead with 
Him ! He always listens to the prayers of saints.” 

^^There’s no immediate danger of such a catastrophe,” 
returned the rector with the air of a man satisfied with 
the tempest he had raised. ^^I am feeling better now, and 
shall doubtless feel still more refreshed after I have had 
some breakfast.” 

thousand pardons, master,” and Johannah rose from 
her knees and moved toward the door. Before turning the 
knob, however, she hesitated. 

^^But, master ” she began. 


166 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


^^But what, Johannah?’^ returned the rector. 

did not know whether you^d forgotten it’s St. Beelze- 
bub’s day.” 

^^True; and a fast day. I am glad to be reminded, Jo- 
hannah,” while he said to himself, "'Confound the woman ! 
She has too good a memory for such things. I wish she 
was equally careful about the dusting, cleaning the brass 
work and leaving my holy books open, so that callers might 
be impressed with my erudition.” He continued aloud : 

"Well, Johannah, then I’ll go and see some poor people.” 

"First let me bring you a cup of hot water and a wafer, 
master; I am sure you are not able to endure your great 
labors without a little nourishment.” 

"Thanks, Johannah,” returned the arch-hypocrite, who 
had mentally decided to get as far toward his poor people 
as the above-mentioned out-of-the-way cafe, and no fur- 
ther. "I shall not be away long, because I have an appoint- 
ment with a gentleman who will be here at ten. If he 
comes in before I return give him "The Lives of the Most 
Holy Fathers at Borne’ to read,” and both master and 
serving-woman went through various genuflexions and 
crossings for having mentioned such holy men. 

Promptly at the hour mentioned Johannah answered the 
bell and saw standing before her a man with keen black 
eyes and long, oily black hair. He carried a portfolio under 
his arm and was whistling while he beat a gentle refrain 
with his cane. 

"H’m! Is Mr. Dunraven in?” he asked in a dashing, 
offhand manner. 

"If you mean "his reverence the holy rector of the chapel 
of the ” 

"Mercy on us, woman! Life is too short to spend so 
much time on the handle to a man’s name. Is Dunraven 
inf That’s the question.” 


Reverend Dunraven 


167 


^'His reverence, the holy rector, is not in,’^ replied Jo- 
hannah, dislike of the most virulent type displaying itself 
and making her rattle the doorknob under the desire of 
closing the door in the face of her bold interrogator. 

‘‘Not in!” exclaimed the man, pulling out his watch. 
“Why, it’s just the hour he told me to come! I wonder 
what he thinks my time is worth that I can leave my office 
and come up here for nothing. By Jove ! but he shall pay 
me well for this!” 

He took one step toward the street before Johannah 
could overcome her repugnance to him sufficiently to say : 

“I think that his reverence the holy rector, my gracious 
master, was expecting you. At least, he said a gentleman"' 
(with an inflection which was intended to convey the im- 
pression that as nothing of that variety had presented it- 
self she was not to blame for not recognizing him) “would 
be here at ten. In case he was not in, he said you were to 
wait and be graciously permitted to look at this holy vol- 
ume.” 

“Don’t disturb any of your holy volumes for me, but 
just stir yourself, and get me an unholy morning news- 
paper. I find I left mine in the car coming up. Yes, cer- 
tainly, I will graciously permit you to leave the room with- 
out kissing my hand or my great toe.” 

Johannah was exceedingly averse to leaving the man 
alone, but she was not on good terms with the kitchen- 
maid, and the papers were below, so there was no other 
way. 

The rectory was a very pretty rough gray-stone building, 
with an English basement. The dining-room and a dimin- 
utive reception-room were on the ground floor. On the 
next was a large, comfortable apartment, half parlor, half 
sitting-room, with the rector’s bedroom opening ostenta- 
tiously into it. His study and a guest chamber were on 


168 Three Fair Philanthropists 

the floor above, and the rooms occupied by Johannah and 
the kitchenmaid above that. 

‘^To think of such a man’s being left alone in my mas- 
ter’s room!” said Johannah to herself, as with trembling 
haste she looked for the papers. am bad enough, heaven 
knows, but there is something about him that I think — it 
appears to me — I hope I do not wrong him in the thought — 
is as bad if not a trifle worse than I. At least, I never be- 
fore knew a good man to look so had — to have such evil 
black eyes, and a smile so much like a leer, and curly hair 
that hung round like so many greasy snakes. Where are 
those papers?” 

At length the good woman found what she was looking 
for, and made her way with great expedition to where she 
left the stranger sitting. Johannah’s feet were always 
clad indoors in some kind of felt slipper, so that she moved 
around very noiselessly. She found the room empty, but 
the man’s hat and portfolio told her that their owner had 
not gone far. She looked into the next room, and there 
before her master’s holy altar was the unclean, dastardly 
stranger. Johannah was not a strong woman physically, 
and the sight gave her a nervous shock. She turned deadly 
pale and in all probability would have fainted had not the 
man just then put out his hand and given the object of 
veneration a good shake. That roused her and seemed to 
give her superhuman energy, for quick as a flash she seized 
the man by the collar of his coat, and, although he was 
large and heavy, he was in the adjoining room with in- 
credible swiftness. 

^^Who the devil are you, anyway?” he asked fiercely, as 
he readjusted his coat, which showed a tendency to en- 
velop his head as' well as his body. 

Johannah’s only reply was to lock the doors into the 
bedroom and seat herself on the opposite side of the 


Reverend Dunraven 169 

apartment from the irate man, her hands folded and her 
large, dark eyes fixed intently on him. 

‘^You need not sit there looking like an aggrieved mum- 
my, for I’ll have the law on you. I’ll have you arrested 
for assault, you big-eyed spook. Perhaps you think you 
can take an honest citizen and dash him round by the col- 
lar, and not hear anything from it.” 

^^Honest?” with a rising inflection, came from Johan- 
nah’s tightly closed lips, while her upright body and steady 
gaze confronted her adversary. 

^^Yes, honest ; I say honest, and you can’t say dishonest !” 
screamed fhe man, and in his rage he got up and stepped 
around with far from military precision. ^^And that’s 
another point which I can bring against you, and I’ll 
make a note of it.” Taking out his book, he wrote, spell- 
ing aloud, ^'C-a-l-u-m-n-y. But, then, you’ve probably got 
a large bank account,” he said, trying the jocular vein. 
^^You won’t mind paying a few thousand dollars for the 
satisfaction you derive from maligning a person, or even 
a month or two’s residence in a penitentiary would not 
seem too much of an outlay.” 

The man continued his vituperations, his threats and 
his epithets, endeavoring to extort some response from the 
straight-backed figure before him, but Johannah showed 
no signs of hearing him. The sight of her sitting there 
calm and unmoved had anything but a soothing effect on 
the irate gentleman of the law, and there is no telling to 
what lengths his anger might have gone had not the click 
of the rector’s key served to warn him that it was the best 
policy to smother his rage, for the time at least, in order 
not to injure his business relations with his reverence the 
gracious rector of the Chapel of the Holy Madonna in 
Heaven. 


170 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


CHAPTER XVI. 

MISS hopper's dissatisfaction. 

^^Mes. Winn^ I have come down to have a little private 
conversation with you/' Miss Hopper said one morning in 
the middle of her week, which was the one following Miss 
Denny's. I detected the premonitory symptoms of a storm 
in the ominous crackle of Miss Hopper's voice, which 
warned me that she was in a state of mind bordering on 
^^spontaneous combustion !" 

am of a long-suffering, easily imposed upon, 
thoroughly meek disposition." (If my readers will just 
imagine themselves addressed in the above manner by a 
little red-topped turkey cock whose feathers were bristling 
with partly suppressed rage, they will have an inkling as 
to my feelings when I looked at Miss Hopper growing 
redder and redder, her always protruding blue eyes increas- 
ing in size, though not in color, her voice rising, and crack- 
ing with each rise.) ^^But though I am all that there is a 
limit to my forbearance, and I feel as though I reached that 
limit last evening. The first evening I came to these rooms 
there were only fifteen girls here to receive the valuable 
instruction in poetry and art that I had to give them, the 
next evening there were seven and last night, as you know, 
there was not one." 

^^Except Lena Deckenbachschmitt," I murmured. 

'Til have no exceptions made, Mrs. Winn, let me tell 
you," replied Miss Hopper, stamping her foot. "Do you 
think such a stupid, who went to sleep and snored, yes, ac- 


Miss Hopper’s Dissatisfaction 171 

tually snored in the midst of my fervid (and my professor 
says matchless) rendering of the love scene in ‘‘Lalla 
Kookh/’ is fit to be reckoned as half a one even? Never! 
Only when you are counting up donkeys, then she can 
stand for a dozen. Now, what I am coming at is this, 
Mrs. Winn, the girls are not to be kept away on my 
nights or on Eay Mettle’s nights and then induced to turn 
out in full force on Grace Denny’s evenings. Do you un- 
derstand?” and Miss Hopper’s little fat forefinger, point- 
ing menacingly at me, shook perceptibly. 

^^Miss Hopper, my influence with the girls has been 
always exerted in favor of a regular attendance. I never 
have made more calls than I have the past few days, when 
I have urged the members of the club to be present. But 
they have replied ^they didn’t think po’try wuz for the likes 
o’ them ;’ and they thought more of hearts than all the arts 
you could teach them, especially the way to Jim’s or Joe’s 
or Mick’s or. Pat’s heart, which they aver is more surely 
reached by pie or tart than any other.” 

^^You need not feel yourself called upon to rehearse 
their impudence to me, Mrs. Winn,” returned Miss Hopper, 
strutting about in the attempt to impress her importance 
as well as to give vent to her agitation. ^‘What I want 
you to thoroughly understand is the fact that I’ve got to 
have an audience and if you cannot get it for me I shall 
find some one who can. You have plenty on hand for 
Grace Denny, and I shall see that there is some one here 
who has my interest at heart as you seem to have hers.” 

I soon found it was a waste of breath to reiterate the 
facts, which were as I have already stated. There was no 
partiality on my side for either one of my three fair 
philanthropic employers and no abatement of my efforts to 
secure as large an attendance for one as for the other. The 
only reply I received to such assertions was: 


172 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


“Then why are there not as many out on my evenings ?” 

^Terhaps the girls are not interested in the subjects you 
take up/' I suggested. 

^^But they should be/' she insisted. ‘They need elevat- 
ing. Do you pretend to deny that ?" (I thought to myself^ 
“They are not the only ones who need it.") “Do you sup- 
pose if I was in their place and needed elevating as much as 
they do that I’d be so wanting in sense ?" she continued. 

“We cannot any of us tell what we would do under 
other circumstances/’ I replied, little dreaming of the mine 
of latent fury the harmless remark was to explode. 

“That’s a falsehood! a black, monstrous untruth! I 
know exactly what I should be under any and every circum- 
stance. Who are you who dare to insinuate that I don’t 
know? You don’t know your place, Mrs. Winn. You need 
to realize that salaried persons are scarcely above servants 
and do you suppose I’d allow any servant to say to me that 
I could not tell what I’d do under other circumstances?" 
She uttered a loud, scornful laugh, and I held my peace and 
my tongue. 

I hoped this occasion might exemplify the truth of the 
Wise Man’s saying: “Who so keepeth his mouth and his 
tongue keepeth his soul from troubles.” But, alas, my 
silence did not seem to have that effect in this instance. 
Perhaps she had the gift of mind-reading ; if so, she would 
not have been pleased to have discovered how devoutly I 
s}Tnpathized with anybody who had to occupy the position 
of servant in a household managed by such a concentrated 
and active fury. At all events she broke forth in a min- 
ute or two with fresh violence. 

“Perhaps you think under more favorable circumstances 
you might have become a lady! But I tell you, you 
couldn’t ! You are too independent ! too meddlesome ! and 
altogether too shamelessly presumptuous! I never had a 


Miss Hopper’s Dissatisfaction 173 


person look at me in the way yon do. You look at me as 
if I were a little girl and needed correcting, instead of the 
daughter of the man who once owned half of Manhattan 
Island (whatever his property may be at present), and 
your superior in every respect. I won’t stand it !” and she 
stamped her foot with great energy. ^^Here I am working 
hard for the interests of this club and what do I get for it ? 
Sneers from Eay Mettle and Grace Denny and contempt 
from an inferior ! You have got to change your ways, Mrs. 
"Winn, or I won’t answer for the consequences.” 

I stepped to the door to answer a knock just at this 
juncture and there stood Agnes. I should have whispered, 
^^Go away and come back in a few minutes,” but Miss 
Hopper followed me too closely. 

^^Come right in,” she said to Agnes. ^^You find it easy 
enough to get round here to see Mrs. Winn. But I have 
not seen you one evening this week.” 

“Yes and I am so sorry I have to miss your interesting 
and instructive evenings. Miss Hopper,” Agnes replied 
sweetly. 

“I should prefer to have your sorrow expressed in some 
other way than words,” replied Miss Hopper stiffly. “Can 
you be out this evening?” 

Beautiful blushes appeared on Agnes’s cheeks as she 
replied : 

“Ho, Miss Hopper, I shall have to work for a number of 
weeks in the evening, but it is unavoidable. I want to 
come, and as soon as the court closes I shall surely avail 
myself of the great privileges you place before girls.” 

“It must be a peculiar kind of court which sits in the 
evening !” Miss Hopper rejoined with a sneer. 

“The court sits in the daytime hut I have to do my 
duties as bookkeeper in the evening to make up for being 
absent to attend to my father’s law-suit.” 


174 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


It was all I could do to keep from throwing my arms 
around the dear girl, she looked so distressed, so anxious 
to mollify and please, but not knowing exactly how. Every- 
thing she said seemed to produce the opposite effect from 
what she intended. 

Miss Hopper moved around smoothing one little fat 
hand with the other little fat hand, or else both little fat 
Iiands smoothing her little fat body. At length she said : 

think, Mrs. Winn, this is the young lady who owes 
her place to us?^’ 

I stared at Miss Hopper and replied: 

^^Hot that I know of. To what do you refer 

refer to the assistance she received in the influence 
which was used to persuade her employer to take her back, 
and this is the way she rewards us.” 

I had had so much experience in the cool presumption 
of these young ladies (to use the mildest of terms) that I 
ought not to have been surprised at anything. But I must 
say the effrontery of claiming Mrs. Conrad’s noble kind- 
ness startled me and I replied with warmth: 

regret exceedingly to be obliged to say this before 
Miss Dearborn, and I would not do so did I not know she 
was the most forgiving, magnanimous creature in the 
world, but the influence of both the young ladies to whom 
I appealed at that unhappy time was flatly refused.” 

‘‘Oh, well, somebody helped you. I heard at the time 
who it was, and they would not have done so had they not 
thought you were connected with us and therefore worthy 
of consideration.” 

It was useless to reply to such stupendous conceit and 
arrogance, for a person with these attributes always pos- 
sesses at the same time an epidermis so thick that nothing 
but shafts of ridicule prepared on the anvil of personal 
malice can penetrate or produce any effect. Those were 


Miss Hopper’s Dissatisfaction 175 

weapons I prayed heaven to keep me free from, so I only 
said: 

think if any one ought to talk about rewards it is 
Miss Dearborn, who risked her life to put out the flames 
in Miss Mettle’s dress and received in consequence injuries 
which were so painful.” 

^^Oh, now, dear Mrs. Winn, don’t say anything about 
such a little trifle. I was glad to have the opportunity 
of serving.” 

‘^That is a very becoming spirit for one in your position 
to manifest !” exclaimed Miss Hopper patronizingly, ‘^and 
when your legal matters are arranged,” with a mocking 
shrug of her shoulders, ^^you may serve me. Kemember, 
Mrs. Winn, there must be a room full this evening.” 

She said this as she was hastening into the hall. In a 
minute she returned. 

^^Mrs. Winn, have you seen Mr. Grassey? I see his 
tandem in the street below and I was sure I saw the top of 
his head while turning one of the corners of the stairs.” 

I replied that I had not seen him and that he had not 
been in the rooms, but I did not think it necessary to reveal 
his hiding-place, which he had confided to me not long 
previous with the solemn promise on my part that I would 
keep his secret. 

In spite of my words Miss Hopper came in and shook 
all the portieres and peered into the alcove and opened the 
closet doors and looked into my bedroom. 

^^Oh, Miss Hopper,” I cried when I heard by her foot- 
steps that she had proceeded halfway down the stairs. 
My tone was so cheerful and animated that I suppose she 
thought I had some precious bit of gossip to offer. She 
came running back, saying: 

^^hat is it, Mrs. Winn?” 

^^You forgot to look in the ice-chest,” I replied. 


176 


Three Fair Philanthropists 

Miss Hopper’s disappointment was discernible in the 
manner of her closing the door. 

At length I could be alone with my darling. What a 
delight! And how fast our tongues flew! She had bo 
much to tell me about the law-suit, and one important part 
of her errand to me that day was to ask if I would be 
willing to appear to testify to her good character, not 
this week but next. She would tell me the day. Testify? 
Wouldn’t I gladly testify? The only trouble would be 
to stop me when I got started on such a delightful sub- 
ject. 

^^Darling,” I said, ‘^^however much I may think it, I sup- 
pose I must not say you are an angel, beautiful as the 
light, scattering blessings in the same way, just from utter 
inability to do otherwise.” 

‘^Oh, you dear, dear friend ! I am not worthy of your 
good opinion. You look at me through a rosy medium, 
I fear,” and Agnes threw her arm caressingly around me. 

^^Ahem!” came from the partly open door where some 
one stood scuffling his feet. ^^Mrs. — er — er — ^Winn, Mrs. 
Winn!” I recognized the voice and going to the door I 
said: 

^Ts that you, Mr. Grassey ? Miss Hopper was just looking 
for you.” 

^^Oh, yes, I know it. See this tear in my coat ! James 
put those ash barrels a little nearer together than he has 
put them before and this tail caught. But that’s better than 
my being caught by Miss Hopper, eh, Mrs. Winn ?” Seeing 
a reproving look on my face he continued: ‘^Oh, but you 
would say so if you had been caught before and knew how 
many hours you had had to spend going around to call on 
her friends, to all of whom she intimated that she was 
granting a long and ardent desire on my part to meet them, 
a desire I was wholly unconscious of possessing, while I was 


Miss Hopper’s Dissatisfaction 177 


positively certain by the time she got through with me 
of an inextinguishable longing to see her and hers in — in — 
well, I won^t mention just where, for fear you might not 
like it, Mrs. Winn.^^ 

There was no use in trying to keep Mr. Grassey in the 
hall. He was so determined to enter that in spite of my 
efforts to prevent him he carried out his purpose. I 
wondered at this, for hitherto it had been enough for him 
to be in an adjoining room to the object of his love and 
admiration. He had avoided meeting her face to face. 
It was as though the ecstasy of actually addressing her 
would be greater than he could bear. But now he fairly 
pushed himself into her presence and there they stood. I 
did not want to do it but there seemed no other way. 

^'Miss Dearborn, this is Mr. Grassey,” I said reluctantly. 

To my amazement Agnes drew herself up haughtily and 
said: 

^^Mrs. Winn, I donT blame you at all, but I regret ex- 
ceedingly to be introduced to a man who is capable of 
treating a poor defenseless woman in the inhuman manner 
in which I saw this man treat a beggar the other evening.” 

Mr. Grassey turned ghastly pale and one hand clutched 
nervously the other: 

^^Oh, but you know I did not strike her,” he replied, while 
it seemed to require an effort for him to keep his teeth from 
chattering. 

^^So much the worse — ^to torment the poor creature by 
a needless fright,” replied Agnes, construing Mr. Grassey^s 
agitation into an acknowledgment of guilt, and walking 
away toward the window to emphasize still further her dis- 
approval. 

From the bottom of my motherly heart I pitied Mr. 
Grassey, for he showed that he was suffering keenly, but on 
the other hand I did not want to rouse Agnes’s interest in 


178 Three Fair Philanthropists 

him. I have the adorable Thackeray’s word for it that 
every woman who is worth a pin is a matchmaker in her 
heart, and therefore I am not ashamed to own I looked 
into the future, and the sight of the two even now stand- 
ing before me possibly united in the closest of bonds was 
very repugnant to my ideas of the fitness of things. He 
had given abundant proof that he was in dead earnest, 
even though it was for the first time in his life, and I 
knew that a man in that frame of mind is not the man 
to be trified wdth. 

Mr. Grassey stood there showing his agitation by first 
running his hand through his straw-colored hair and then 
banging his beaver against his knee. 

^Tf it hadn’t been — if it hadn’t been — er — er — I would 
not have done it! eh, Mrs. Winn? Would I now? You 
know me, Mrs. Winn. Don’t you now, though? You 
know it ain’t my nature to be cruel. J ames knows it. He 
says I’m too kind by half to everybody. Oh, tell her, Mrs. 
Winn. Don’t let her go off thinking so meanly of me.” 

This last was uttered in the most imploring tones as 
Agnes made ready to depart. 

^‘Nothing that she could say, Mr. Grassey, would remove 
the impression of what I saw/^ replied Agnes loftily, and 
she shut the door impatiently behind her. 

‘^Mrs. Winn, I wish you’d take something and kill 
me 1” exclaimed Mr. Grassey after a few minutes of 
silence, during which time he had buried his face in hfs 
hands and something that sounded very much like a sob 
might have been heard. 

^^Oh, nonsense, Mr. Grassey, be a man and make up your 
mind never to care for any one in a serious way, — I mean 
who does not care for you.” 

^^Oh, but, Mrs. Winn,” exclaimed the poor fellow pite- 
ously, ‘^my mind seemed to be made up for me by a power 


Miss Hopper’s Dissatisfaction 


179 


outside myself, and so firmly that nothing I can do will 
w/imake it. I didn’t set out to fall in love with her, indeed, 
Mrs. Winn, upon my honor I did not;” this asseveration 
was prompted by a smile on my part. '^The first thing 
I knew I was all of a heap before her. And now I should 
be happy to have her wipe her feet on me, but she won’t 
even do that. Oh, Mrs. Winn, do you suppose there was 
ever such an unhappy person in the world?” 

I made no reply to this, as I had gone into my room 
and was bustling around to get on my things ; for I wished 
to make more calls than usual. But my attention was 
brought back to Mr. Grassey by hearing him bring his 
hand down on his knee and exclaim : “By J ove, why didn’t 
I think of that ? The principal thing I wanted to see her 
for, was to warn her, and then when I had the chance I 
forgot all about it !” 

“Forgot all about what, Mr. Grassey?” I asked, appear- 
ing at the door of my room. 

“Telling Miss Dearborn about those creatures who are 
hounding her about in the evening.” 

“She probably knows,” I replied, thinking that Mr. 
Grassey wanted to make any possible excuse for another 
meeting, and wishing to discourage him. 

“She showed that she did not, Mrs. Winn, by the way 
she spoke of my treatment of the woman she dignified by 
the name of beggar-woman, but who is, in reality, a she- 
devil, determined for some reason or other to entrap Miss 
Dearborn and that very speedily, too. Every evening since 
that one I told you about and to which she referred so 
cruelly — oh, Mrs. Winn, shall I ever recover from the 
shock of ” 

“But what has happened every evening since?” I 
replied, my impatience rendering me an ungracious listener 
to poor Mr. Grassey’s woes. 


180 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


^^Every evening that same old hag has appeared when 
Miss Dearborn has come out of her office, and if the miser- 
able being had not been held in check by seeing me, she 
would have tried some of her dodges, I am sure.” 

«Why in the name of all that is sensible could you not 
have mentioned this when she was accusing you of 
cruelty ?” 

^^Why couldn’t I? Why couldn’t I?” exclaimed Mr. 
Grassey, wringing his hands and looking the picture of 
despair; ^ffiut, Mrs. Winn, when a man is drowning he never 
thinks of being sensible. And I tell you what it is, Mrs. 
Winn, there was the rushing as of water in my ears and 
a blackness as of death before my eyes when she accused 
me. I could not collect my thoughts. Now what can be 
done?” 

^^Well, Mr. Grassey, I cannot think of anything better 
just at present but for you to keep a sharp lookout until I 
can get a chance to have a long, serious talk with Miss 
Dearborn.” 

^^God bless you, Mrs. Winn !” cried Mr. Grassey, fervently 
pressing my hand. ^^That’s the best fortune that could be- 
fall me just at present to be able to do something for her. 
Perhaps some time she won’t think me cruel and unkind, 
eh, Mrs. Winn?” 

Even in my haste to be gone I was obliged to stop and 
brush away a tear caused by the sadness in Mr. Grassey’s 
tone and manner as the door closed between us. 


Mrs. Winn Propitiating Her 


181 


CHAPTER XVII. 

MRS. WINN^S EFFORTS AT PROPITIATING HER. 

My visiting list did not take me into the lower and more 
destitute parts of the city, but rather into those portions 
on either side above Thirty-fourth street occupied by the 
industrious poor. Children one found here in abundance, 
but they were for the most part healthy, happy specimens, 
who felt more interested in one^s getting out of the way 
of their marbles or pennies than in picking one’s pockets. 
Very rarely do you run across in this section of the city 
the hardened, bitter, old child-faces which tell of a parent- 
age of crime. Many a beautiful picture comes to me now 
of sturdy, big-limbed workmen leading their children with 
all the gentleness of a mother, and mothers watching and 
guarding their infants as only mothers can. Children, like 
plants, are sure to repay all the care that is bestowed upon 
them. And it seems to me the lot of some of those children 
who receive the personal care of their parents, is a pleas- 
anter one than Pifth avenue darlings brought up by 
servants. 

I had soon found there was no use in indiscriminate call- 
ing. In a city where there are so many frauds constantly 
practiced one’s time and labor is worse than wasted to 
attempt to influence perfect strangers. Thanks to my 
constant habit of taking the address of every girl who 
came near me I had quite a large number whom I could 
call upon with some slight hope of influencing. It is not 
a very long walk from Fifth avenue either way. This 


182 


Three Fair Philanthropists ^ 

morning I went east, and when I reached the place where 
by my list I saw that several girls lived in the same house 
on different floors, I said to myself : ^^There’s no use in my 
going in to Mrs. O’Monahan’s; I was there the other day, 
and her daughter is so taken up with Miss ‘Dinnie,’ as she 
calls her, that she will not attend until she knows it’s her 
week.” But as I was passing a voice called after me: 

‘^Oh, now, Mrs. Whin, Mrs. Whin, is it ye’s ’ull be pass- 
in’ a friend an’ not come in see her at all, at all?” 

^^You know, Mrs. O’Monahan, I came to see you the last 
time I was in the building and this morning I must go to 
others.” 

‘^Yis, yis, I knows,” returned Mrs. O’Monahan, ^fl)ut 
you must come in right away. I’ve got something that 
purty to show ye’s, as ’ull make yer eyes water to see !” 
She followed up her words by taking hold of my hand and 
leading me back through the dark hall into a room lighted 
from a shaft. The room was used as a bedroom, out of 
which, on one end a closet-like apartment, also a bedroom, 
opened. At the other end was the general family living- 
room. ‘^Make haste, Jinnie, and wipe off the chair-r fur 
the lad3^” 

J ennie, a young thing of ten j^ears, and her sister Biddy 
of twelve were doing the family washing. They both 
rushed to execute their mother’s order, but Jennie was the 
spryest and with an article of underwear hastily wrung out 
(partly on the floor) she made the chair ready. 

^^Now sit ye’s, till I show ye something grand T ex- 
claimed my hostess, as she disappeared into the next room 
and from that plunged head foremost into a dark abyss, 
which I recognized was used as a closet, for the articles of 
wearing apparel flew in every direction, as Mrs. O’Monahan 
sought for something that evidently had not been used 
lately. 


183 


Mrs. Winn Propitiating Her 

you ever see anything to bate this?” she inquired, 
triumphantly returning with a package and opening on my 
lap a roll of yellow satin. 

^^Why, what is this for, Mrs. O’Monahan?” I asked, my 
eyes dazzled by the brightness of the color. 

^^Shure its fur Miss Dinnie’s nixt ball,” she answered. 
^^Biddy, will ye’s lave off putting yer hands on it !” This 
to the girl who with hands right from the washtub was 
unable to restrain her desire ^To see how it filt.” 

^^And it’s me Betsey as ’ull look foine in a garmint made 
out of the like o’ that,” expatiated the fond mother, ^Vid 
her pretty rid cheeks, her curly hair, and her nate, plumb 
figger.” To thoroughly enjoy this description of Betsey 
the reader must be told that the hair of that damsel, though 
curly, and of a vivid carrot color, was always done up 
in a way to look as if she had returned from an unsatis- 
factory encounter with a brush heap. And alas ! not only 
were ^Tier cheeks rid” but her entire countenance glowed 
with a rubicund tinge only slightly relieved by big freckles. 
The ^^nate, plumb figger” of which her mother was so 
proud had a way of bursting out the seams of her waists, 
and oozing out at her sleeves, and overflowing at the neck 
which would lead an unprejudiced observer to apply a 
stronger adjective than "plump” to its copious propor- 
tions. 

"But she’s goin’ to spile it all in the making,” said 
Mrs. Kick, one of Mrs. O’Monahan’s neighbors who, with 
several other women, had entered unannounced. "She’s 
goin’ to have the neck cut with a p’int back and front, when 
thar oughter be a square piece taken out which she might 
ha’ used to make a pincushion.” 

"Ah, faith, Mrs. Kick, now,” returned Mrs. O’Monahan, 
"does ye’s think me Betsey ’ud be contint to be out of the 
stoile for the sake of havin’ a pin cushion ? Square nicks 


184 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


is out, so that French gurl sid, and thiin Frenchies he’s 
death on stoil wid their long slim waists like me arr-n,” and 
Mrs. O’Monahan brandished her huge red fore-limb by 
way of illustration, ^^and their bids cocked on one side just 
large enough fur their ilegant little bonnets.” 

‘^Yes, their heads are large enough for their bonnets but 
not for any sense!” exclaimed an Englishwoman by the 
name of Derby. 

^‘Mrs. Derby’s girl don’t belong to the club, and she’s 
jealous!” Mrs. O’Monahan observed to me by way of ex- 
planation. 

^^Then she is just the woman I want to see,” I replied, 
feeling glad of a turn in the conversation by which I 
might accomplish what I had started out for. ^df your 
daughter does not belong to the club, I’d like to take her 
name, so that she might be considered a member.” I liked 
the woman’s general looks and air and I felt sure her 
daughter would be a girl well brought up. 

^^Thank you, no,” Mrs. Derby replied decidedly, ^df that 
is the result,” pointing to the roll of yellow satin. 

suppose ye’s thinks that didn’t cost quite enough a 
yard to suit !” rejoined Mrs. O’Monahan angrily. 

think it cost quite too much for me to wish to be 
obliged to get anything like it,” returned Mrs. Derby 
firmly. 

^That jist shows how mane and stingy some peoples kin 
be!” broke in a pale woman dressed in a shabby black 
dress who, with a fretting infant in her arms, had a showy 
piece of silk, fashioning it into a sleeve. ^^Mrs. Darby 
had the imperence to tell me she thought I wuz woss thin 
wasting my toime makin’ over this dress Miss Mittle guv 
Maggie and buyin’ a little lace to go wid it. I suppose she 
thinks ’cause I’m a widdy I ortn’t to hiv anything or me 
Childers aither,” and tears issued from Widow Flynn’s 


185 


Mrs. Winn Propitiating Her 

pale eyes, descending upon her infant, who entered a lively 
protest in a series of dimnnitive squalls against this form 
of shower bath, 

^^Howly mither, what’s happened!” exclaimed Mrs. 
O’Monahan, as a deafening cry and a splash came from the 
corner where Jennie and Biddy were squabbling over the 
washtub. Biddy, alas! being the younger, had lost her 
balance and fallen headforemost into the sudsy deep. 

^^What kin I do for her, Mrs. Darby ?” cried the mother 
holding her dripping child with one of her powerful arms 
and looking helplessly at her neighbor. 

‘^Eun for a blanket, Jennie,” replied Mrs. Derby, and in 
a few minutes she had the child undressed and rubbed, a 
little hot ginger tea administered and tucked comfortably 
away in bed. When the excitement had died away I thought 
I would improve the opportunity to make a few remarks. 

‘^You don’t seem to find any difficulty in following Mrs. 
Derby’s counsel when you get into actual trouble. How 
is it you scorn her words of wisdom in regard to the avoid- 
ance of certain extravagances, which you know, as well as 
I, will surely result in disaster? If Jennie and Biddy 
here had been at school, where by law they are bound to be, 
instead of being kept at home so their mother might make 
up worse than useless finery, this accident would not have 
happened. It is no kindness to Betsy O’Monahan or 
Maggie Dlynn or any other girl, however much you as 
mothers may intend it as such, to give them a taste for ex- 
travagant dressing ; to make them feel that it’s of no conse- 
quence how hard their mothers work, or how much the rest 
of the family’s neglected so that they may be better dressed 
than other girls. Look around you and see how much 
wretchedness is the result of such training, and covet for 
your daughters better things than fine clothes. Covet for 
them the best gifts that the Bible tells us about — the orna- 


180 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


ment of a meek and quiet spirit, the clothing of righteous- 
ness/^ I slipped away after answering to the best of my 
ability various knotty problems that immediately seemed 
to arise, as for example, from Mrs. Flynn. ^^Did I think 
it ^ud be the Mittles, such ilegent people as they were and 
so they were, as ’ud be givin’ her arything wrong, or what 
^ud be spilin’ Maggie’s morals?” and from Mrs. O’Mona- 
han, ^^Why shouldn’t they be satisfied wid what rich folks 
were” — ^like satin, velvet and such stuff — she wasn’t proud 
— and though the ornaments and clothing I spoke of were 
^^foine, they were so plaguey hard to git, that” — and she 
finished her sentence with a deep-drawn sigh and a shake 
of her head. 

I also sighed and shook my head after I left the gather- 
ing of women, thinking how much more powerful the in- 
fluence of example was with them than any amount of 
preaching. How few sensible women like Mrs. Derby could 
be found who had the force of character to withstand the 
pressure of the times, which set in a strong current to- 
ward outside show, washed jewelry, costly amusements, 
and away from simple healthful pleasures and quiet home 
comforts ! Just as if there was not enough misery in the 
world the result of actual sin, but they must add to the 
wretchedness by foolish expenditure. Hone of the women 
I had met in Mrs. O’Monahan’s room but were able to live 
comfortably either by their husbands’ efforts or their own 
and older sons’ and daughters’, when there was wisdom and 
judgment used in the outlay of the money. Indeed, many 
a thrifty family in the same circumstances were laying aside 
a trifle every week, sure to be needed on a rainy day. 

My reflections were not allowed to continue long in this 
channel. They soon turned on the want of success I was 
having in persuading any one to come out that evening. 
All day I toiled up and down dark staircases, stopping at 


187 


Mrs. Winn Propitiating Her 

lunch time in a little bakeshop kept by the father of one 
of our girls. Here I secured two girls for attendance the 
following evening, but when five o^ clock arrived I had 
only four promised for this immediate day. I was feeling 
very much discouraged, as though I had wasted my time, 
and was just hesitating whether I should try one more 
family, living on the sixth fioor of an adjoining building, 
or not, when a dark-browed girl accosted me. I recognized 
her. She was the ring-leader of those girls who had caused 
the refreshments to disappear the last evening Miss Mettle 
had the club. She was, however, very civil to-day and 
asked me if she could help find any one. I thanked her 
and told her I had the address, but was undecided as to 
whether I should go or not. She wanted to know if the 
club was still in existence. 

I replied, ^^yes,^^ and remarked that we had not seen her 
there lately. A quizzical expression appeared in her bold 
face as she said: 

ain^t ben nowhere much of late, except down to 
Jones’s Woods on a racket or two. Guess I’ll have to come 
round and enliven ’em up a bit, eh, Mrs. Winn?” 

^^No, you must come with a different motive than that, 
if you come, Mary,” I said, taking the girl’s grimy hand, 
on which numerous jewels, purporting to be diamonds and 
rubies, glittered in their brass and tin settings. I felt 
strangely moved as I looked into the depths of her black 
eyes with their heavy brows. ^^Here,” I said to myself, 
^fis a human soul endowed with more than ordinary powers, 
like a rudderless ship at sea, completely at the mercy of 
the waves of passion and vice. No wonder she is a leader. 
There is a something in her mere glance which arrests at- 
tention and compels homage. What a noble work it would 
be to induce such a lawless creature to turn from her evil 
ways !” 


188 Three Fair Philanthropists 

they going to have refreshments, Mrs. Winn?’^ she 
asked, her eyes glistening with arrant roguery. 

^'Ah, Mary, I am sure you are sorry for having done such 
a had, ungrateful deed the last time you were there.^' 

^^Humph! am I? Not if the court understands itself! 
It just sarved that tall pokerish pussun, what tried to be 
so turrible smart, and have us all a bobulating 'round, 
just right! Ho, ho, ho! I laugh every time I think of 
how beat she probably looked when she found out about 
it. There is only one thing which has troubled me, Mrs. 
Winn, and that is the fear lest that purty gal what was so 
meek and winsome like got blamed for it. Eh, did she?" 

^‘No, Mary, no one thought of accusing her. But you 
made her feel badly as well as myself by doing as you 
did." 

"Sho ! you don't tell me. It seems queer to have any one 
but the police care for what I do. And you mean it too," 
she added, half to herself. can allers tell. Say, 
s'posin' I come 'round agen some time, would the cop be 
sent fur? I'll come and bring my regiment, eh?" 

'^No, if you behave yourself and come to get good you 
will be welcome any time." 


A Sudden Change of Plans 


189 


CHAPTER XVIII. 

A SUDDEN CHANGE OP PLANS. 

After the foregoing conversation, I hurried home foot- 
sore and weary. I had torn the braid from my dress on the 
loose ends of the brass stair-protectors so that it hung in 
festoons, and ever and anon detained my pendulous heel, 
thereby threatening to bring on a general wreckage. But 
my physical ills were nothing in comparison to my mental 
and spiritual weariness at the depressing sights of mis- 
management and shiftlessness which I had witnessed. 

It was half-past six when I put my key in the door to 
enter the club rooms. I found a note had been thrust under 
the door which ran as follows : 

'^Dear Mrs. Winn: 

‘^If you have been around getting up an audience for me 
this evening as you said you would the last time I saw 
you, please tell them not to come until to-morrow evening. 
To-day is Belle Bound’s birthday, and we have decided to 
have a dance at the rooms, so we do not want any girls 
from the lower classes there. 

Yours, etc., Annie Hopper. 

^T. S. — You might keep two or three of the best looking 
to help you in the cloak room and for the tally, if some of 
us want to play cards.’’ 

I breathed a sigh of relief as I thought of the few who 
had promised to come, all of whom I would urge to leave 


190 Three Fair Philanthropists 

as soon as possible and come again when their liability of 
being exposed to frivolous vain influences would not be 
so great. 

I had done as I intended. The few girls who kept their 
appointment I had urged to leave and all but one had been 
very docile and obliged me cheerfully. I sat expectantly, 
the gas turned on, in chandeliers and burners at the sides 
of the room. I had time for musing and as I looked at 
the brilliancy of the light I was led into a train of thought 
which often attracted me — the waste of necessary and 
useful material by careless management. There was that 
gas giving out enough light to have made comfortable and 
happy a dozen families. While only one person was being 
benefited and, strictly speaking, she (that was to say, my- 
self) would have preferred the light from an humble ^Tal- 
low dip’^ as being softer and pleasanter. 

Eight o’clock, half-past eight, nine o’clock, half-past 
nine came and went and no one appeared. I had grown 
sleepy from inaction and the day’s toils. I roused up 
every once in a while as I heard the stopping of carriage 
wheels on the street below, thinking that surely now the 
merry-makers had arrived, but no one coming up I dozed 
off again. It is a question whether I should not have sat 
in my chair and slept the night away, my best dress on 
and the light shining out a brilliant welcome, had I not 
been roused in a most summary manner about half-past 
eleven. 

^^Oh, Mrs. Winn, Mrs. Winn, we have been havin’ just 
the most glorious lark yous ever heard on !” exclaimed the 
dark-browed Mary Sharkey, bursting into the room fol- 
lowed by a dozen of her regiment. 

'^Why, what have you been up to now?” I replied, as 
the girls in various stages of convulsive merriment reeled 
around the room. 


191 


A Sudden Change of Plans 

^^Why, you see/^ began one — all came along of 

chimed in another. 

“Hold up there now, girls, I’m the one to do the talk- 
ing,” said Mary with decision. “After I left you, Mrs. 
Winn, I met several of my regs and I sa’s to ’em, sez I, 
'Gals, what’s a-brewin’ for to-night?’ 'Nuthin’;’ they 
says, 'and there ain’t bin nuthin’ fur the longest while.’ 
'Supposin’ then,’ sesz I, 'that we go ’round to our club, the 
Working Girl’s Club, where accordin’ to the papers we get 
teeched so many fine things. Mayhap if they can’t go far 
to teech us nuthin’ we may be able to gin them an idee or 
two.’ Little did I think I should be called on to enforce 
my notions afore I entered the door. But oh, dear me !” 
and at this the whole company went off again in shrieks 
of laughter. “When we reached the entrance and were 
about to dumb the stairs a carriage druve up and a short 
dumpish gal with face as red as fire, and big blue onionish 
eyes, a-bungin’ out of their sockets, drest to kill, with 
white slippers and heels on ’em a story and a half high, 
walked up to me with the air of a lettle turkey gobbler 
who wished to pass fur a big un and she says, 'You need 
not ascend those stairs this evening, we have concluded to 
dispense with your society until to-morrow.’ 'Excuse me, 
madam,’ I replied, trying to imitate her lofty airs,” — 
(“And she did, too,” from the girls.)—" 'I don’t think you 
know who you are talking to. I am not one of your asso- 
ciates bound fur a ball ; I am nuthin’ but one of the poor 
working girls bound for the club rooms upstairs.’ 

" 'You need not tell me what you are or what you are 
not. Don’t you suppose I hnow f replied this person, in a 
passion. 'All you need, is to do as you are told, and 
take yourself off, at the shortest possible notice.’ 

" 'That is exactly what I do not propose to do,’ I replied. 


192 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


‘I was invited here this afternoon and unless Mrs. Winn 
comes and tells me to go away I shall stay/ 

' “ ^Did you ever hear such insolence ?’ she muttered to the 
man with her. Toliceman/ she called, ‘I wish you would 
take these disorderly persons in charge. They are seri- 
ously annoying me.^ 

looked and sure as fate the policeman was Mike 
Sweeney, an old flame of mine. I sez, ^Hullo, Mike, you 
have strict orders about looking after persons as is what 
madam here is pleased to call us, but have you orders that 
compel you to keep persons from going where they are 
invited ?’ 

^Ho, ho, ho !’ laughs Mike. ^You’s a sharp ^un as iver. 
Mar-r-ry, what you been up to now?’ 

T don’t care to listen to any of your coarse, low fa- 
miliarities, policeman. Do your duty as I’ve told you to 
or I shall report you ;’ and the toss she gave her head and 
the stamp she gave with her foot made you think of kings 
and queens a-heelin’ it ’round on the nicks of their sub- 
jects. 

^Lady, excuse me, but I must be jest to all ; so I must 
go fur to understand what this ’ere Mar-r-ry has been 
after perpetuatin’ afore I act.’ 

^Mike, is there, or is there not a Working Girls’ Club 
upstairs?’ I asked. 

^^Taith thin, there is!' he replied, drawing a dirty old 
paper out of his pocket ; for Mike allers prided himself on 
bein’ more intellectual than the ginerality. 

^^WT’ell,’ I said, T was invited there this afternoon by 
jest the swatest little lady you ever seen and now this 
pusson proposes to order me off jest as if I was goin’ where 
I had no business.’ 

" T don’t propose to stand here bandying words with such 
impudent people any longer. Policeman, if you can’t do 


193 


A Sudden Change of Plans 

your duty, I shall drive to the police headquarters and 
have you removed/ 

^Don’t give yourself any onasiness on that score/ 
replied Mike under the gas lamp with his big finger point- 
ing out a passage in the paper. ^I’m a man as can^t be 
hate fur a-doin’ on me doot}'’. This ’ere passage tells^me 
what that is, howiver,’ and in a slow way he read : ‘ ^^This 

greatest charity of the city of New York is fur the wage- 
amin’ class of womin. There are rooms prepared for thim 
where ivery avenin’ they may resave (receive) rist and 
comfort and halp from sympathoizin’ ladies who tache 
thim various useful and naceus’ry as will as ornimintal 
occupations. This week they will be instructed in poickry 
and the arts.” Now, Mar-r-ry, it’s your right to go to these 
rooms and as fur yes, lady, ye’ve made a mistake! Del- 
monico’s is whar yes belong.’ And in spite of that lady’s 
ravin’s and tearin’s — and she did take on turrible” — 
(“That she did!” from the girls.) — “Mike called out, 
TDriver, Delmonico’s 1’ and off they went. Every carriage 
that cumed up after that Mike stood there and would not 
let any one get out. He stepped to the carriage-door and 
said: ^There’s a mistake bin made; you’re not to stop 
here. Driver, Delmonico’s.’ Mrs. Winn, we could not re- 
sist the larks it were to stand there and see the peoples be 
ordered off to Delmonico’s. Sure, if Mike ’ud bin the Pope 
he couldn’t have acted anyways nater. He’s a-standin’ 
there so tall and commandin’-lookin’ with his long arm 
stretched out, a-sayin’, ^Driver, Delmonico’s.’ ” 

I felt perturbation mingled with my amusement at the 
account Mary Sharkey gave of the change in Assembly 
Eooms ordered by Mike the policeman. I had grave fears 
lest the combined wrath of the three fair philanthropists 
be visited, as on former occasions, on poor, innocent me, 
being the only available object upon which to WTeak their 


194 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


displeasure. But I was mistaken. Never by any word or 
sign did they allude to the episode. Evidently Mike, stand- 
ing tall and gaunt with extended forefinger, pointed out to 
them their own foolishness as well as the proper place for 
the entertainment they had in hand. 

They continued to hold me responsible for the attendance 
which fluctuated greatly; and as I was blamed as much 
when there were too many, as when there were not enough, 
my life was far from being a peaceful one. 

Another great cause of disturbance was donations of 
money. They were exceedingly lowspirited and irritable 
when money did not come in ; but that was nothing to the 
jealousy and wrath that a big sum excited, no matter to 
whom it was given. Perhaps I could not give a better il- 
lustration than to describe the effect produced by Mr. K. 
Eoundout Grout^s donation. The three fair grapplers with 
the problem of the elevation of the masses happened to be 
in the rooms when the postman brought the important 
letter bearing on the outside the names of the trio. For it 
was by this means Mr. Grout thought he would be able to 
mislead his fair mother-in-law while he intended to folk 
the check round and personally urge its application to the 
object specified. Miss Annie Hopper took the missive from 
my hands and was proceeding to open it with g 'eat ex- 
pedition when Miss Mettle and Miss Denny, perhi^ps to im- 
prove their skill in grappling and be able to include the 
tangible with the intangible, relieved her of the responsi- 
bility forthwith. Miss Mettle finally got hold of the 
largest half, but Miss Denny hung on to a corner in spite 
of Miss Mettle’s repeated command: 

^'Let go, Grace Denny, you’ll tear it. Then how much 
will it be worth ?” 

don’t care, I don’t care,” returned Miss Denny. ^^My 


195 


A Sudden Change of Plans 

name stands first on the envelope and I ought to open it. 
And I will open it !” 

^^Never! Mr. Grout hardly knows you. He has sent 
this to me, whoever’s gone and written the three names 
on the outside.^’ 

While these two were in the most heated part of their 
colloquy the amiable Miss Hopper appeared with a pitcher 
of water from my room, which she threw all over both, 
iliss Mettle saw what was coming so she was prepared, but 
Miss Denny had her back turned and the water struck her 
in the neck, percolating unpleasantly as well as startlingly 
down her spine. She lost her hold of the letter and when 
she saw who had caused her the start and realized the 
amount of damage that had been done to her crimps, she 
decided to leave Miss Mettle and settle accounts with 
Annie Hopper. I had to hasten to get out of the way, for 
although I knew there were noble men who devoted their 
lives to the excavating of ruins and the digging out of 
buried treasures, I feared no one would be interested to 
exhume me from the ruins I foresaw were to be the result 
of the impending encounter. And how my fears were 
verified! A beautiful carved table was upset and broken 
with the bric-a-brac upon it. The back of a chair was 
broken by falling over, several choice bits of glass were 
jarred from the mantle-piece and dashed in pieces, and 
finally a portiere from which the fringe hung in a way 
to catch Miss Hopper’s foot was nearly torn in two by the 
weight of her falling body. Instead of feeling satisfied 
with the sight of her fallen foe. Miss Denny only rejoiced 
that she was thus enabled to visit upon her the full measure 
of her wrath, and she pummelled her well. 

“I should think you’d be ashamed to act like common 
street arabs!” exclaimed Miss Mettle, coming forward to 


196 Three Fair Philanthropists 

separate the two contestants and evidently in a bad humor 
herself. 

teach Annie Hopper to throw water on me again !” 
exclaimed Miss Denny, breathing hard and looking very 
much excited. 

wish I had the Atlantic ocean here, Fd pour it all 
on you returned Miss Hopper very red, her protuberant 
blue eyes glaring wrathfully at her assailant. 

^^Now, leFs see what’s in that letter, Eay Mettle,” ex- 
claimed Grace Denny. She was quick enough this time to 
seize the envelope and lo! and behold there was the an- 
nouncement that each one of them was to have one thou- 
sand dollars ! 

The accompanying note stated that the gift was intended 
to relieve the Working Girls’ Club of the amount of in- 
debtedness it was now under to the rector of the Chapel of 
the Holy Madonna in Heaven. 

'^That is not what my thousand dollars will be used for !” 
exclaimed Miss Denny emphatically. have just been 
wishing for more money to get ready for my next ball, and 
here it is. Now I can have better music and more floral 
decorations, and I mean to !” 

The matter was argued over at length. Heat and spirit 
were used on both sides. Miss Denny would not yield. 
Then Miss Mettle and Annie Hopper discussed the prob- 
ability of the rector’s taking the two thousand, but he had 
stated that he did not wish the prScipal paid for flve years 
and only when the whole amount could be handed him. 
Miss Hopper was very strenuous in her endeavors to have 
Miss Mettle make up the missing thousand and settle at 
once, but that Miss Mettle as strenuously opposed and fin- 
ally she announced that as Grace Denny was going to use 
her thousand to please herself, Annie Hopper and she 
might as well follow suit. To Miss Hopper’s credit it may 


197 


A Sudden Change of Plans 

be stated that this plan was resisted by her very stoutly for 
some time, but finally seeing the futility of resistance she 
decided she would devote a part of her thousand to rewards 
of merit; attendance on her evenings being harder to se- 
cure. She would therefore offer prizes to those coming the 
most regularly. This she deemed merely a necessity aris- 
ing from the inability of the working girl to appreciate 
their absolute need of poetry and art for improving their 
lot in life. 


198 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


CHAPTER XIX. 

MRS. WINN’S nephew. 

My correspondence with my nephew began to mys- 
tify me. He kept me well supplied with pictures of him- 
self in which I could observe the changes taking place in 
his outward man. I used to get them all out together 
sometimes and note the similarities and the differences — 
there were the smooth-faced ones, then those where there 
was a ^^downiness” about the chin and lips, and still others 
where this downiness had developed into quite formidable 
mustache and whiskers. I often sighed and said if the 
dear boy would only keep me as well informed as regards 
his inner man — ^his every-day hopes and fears, his trials 
and temptations, his hungerings and thirstings, what a 
happy woman I should be. But he seemed to think there 
was nothing to write about unless there was a great public 
building to describe, a gigantic scheme for advancing the 
improvement of society at large, to explain to me, and, as 
for answering questions, why he never once thought of 
such a thing! I found I might wear my pen to a stub 
asking them, without any hopes of being answered. How 
out of patience I used to get with the dear boy ! It was a 
rare thing for him even to mention receiving my letters, 
and, as for their contents, I might just as well have sent 
him blank paper. I tried it once, and his reply was a long 
and elaborate description of a Chinese procession and a 
present of a pretty embroidered Chinese silk shawl — ^never 
a word as to what my blank paper might mean. What 


199 


Mrs. Winn’s Nephew 

could be done with such an incorrigible dear? Nothing in 
the world but to go on writing him the best letters I knew 
how, patiently waiting for the time to come when I might 
be with him and epistolary efforts be set aside. 

But I had noticed a change in his letters for the past 
month or two. Moralizings on the rapidity of the flight of 
time, or the inability of man to fathom providences, or the 
instability of fortune, or the necessity of upright princi- 
ples for business men, seemed to take the place of descrip- 
tions of places and events. And in one he gave me the 
history of a friend, from the .time he first knew him (and 
if the dear boy could only have been half as confidential 
concerning himself) until this friend committed the great 
mistake of his life — to get married. 

I tried to be wise and judicious in my reply to this let- 
ter, for I thought, with my nephew, that a great many 
marriages might prove more happy if delayed until the 
husband’s fortunes proved more secure, but, on the other 
hand, I did not want my nephew to grow up into confirmed 
old bachelorhood habits, as it would be so easy for him to, 
off by himself, so absorbed in his business that the bless- 
ings and delights of home life would not attract him. 

^^Ah,” I thought to myself, sad, bad matchmaker that 
I was, ^^if he could only become interested in Agnes Dear- 
born, what a blessing for both !” 

But I did not on that account mention Agnes in my let- 
ter. Oh, no ! I was too wary for that. I had known alto- 
gether too many instances of persons suitable in every re- 
spect separated through the mistaken zeal of friends, 
having nothing against each other except the Athenian’s 
reason for not voting for Aristides — a weariness ^^of hear- 
ing him continually called Hhe Just.’ ” I asked him where 
he was going to spend his next vacation, and told him it 
was so long since he had been in New York I thought he 


200 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


had better come on, if possible. Of course I did not expect 
him to allude to the subject in his next letter, and of course 
I realized my anticipations. Instead, he continued the 
subject of matrimony, giving more and weightier reasons 
why his friend, in particular, and young men in general, 
should not marry young. What he said on the subject in 
connection with the usual idea of constancy pleased me, 
because it showed so much more penetration and reflection 
than one would expect in a young man of twenty-two. 

^^Some people urge against youthfu,! marriages the 
great want of constancy, in men especially. But there 
can be no possible danger from inconstancy when a man 
feels the expulsive power of a true affection in his heart; 
and, of course, no man of principle or sense would marry 
otherwise.” Then, after further observations in the same 
strain, he said, in closing: ^^These lines of Mrs. Louise 
Chandler Moulton appeal to me strongly: 

'I would, indeed, that heaven had made me meet; 
Content to hold and fill a second place; 

Talce lesser love as undeserved grace, . . . 

But I was made with passionate, strong soul. 

And what I would, I would have wholly mine; 

And if I how my head to Lovers control. 

And to his keeping all myself consign. 

It must he Love that answers to my need. 

That loves me wholly, and is L6ve indeed.* ** 

When I had finished reading that letter I threw up my 
hands, exclaiming: 

'^Well, if that is not enough to puzzle a crow ! The boy 
starts out severely reproving the idea of matrimony, and 
closes by quoting a love sonnet. Perhaps some very astute 


201 


Mrs. Winn’s Nephew 

mind might be able to tell whether the fellow is contem- 
plating taking upon himself vows of eternal celibacy or 
has already one foot on the hymeneal altar, but that person 
is not his poor old annt. All she can do is to earnestly 
hope it is neither the one thing nor the other/^ 

In the meantime, Annie Hopper continued her readings 
and recitations to the girls, and the character of them grew 
more tender and amorous daily. I was startled to pick up 
an envelope which the young lady dropped and find the 
handwriting resembled so nearly that of my nephew. Quite 
a coincidence ! I would not allow my mind to entertain for 
a moment the thought that there could be such a ghastly 
reality as that my precious boy was corresponding with 
Miss Hopper ! 


202 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


CHAPTEE XX. 

MRS. ISLIP’S INVESTIGATION HAS AN UNHAPPY TERMINA- 
TION. 

Together with the three fair philanthropists, Mrs. 
Islip felt disturbed at the disposition her dear Son-in-law 
Grout had made of the check for three thousand dollars. 
To have it returned with the name of the organization, 
^^Working Girls’ Club,” instead of the name of some officer 
of that organization, gave her no clew to the solution of the 
problem of the identity of the young lady her son-in-law 
^loved” and fain would marry with such expedition. 

Nevertheless, she smiled as sweetly while placing the 
check in her desk, inlaid with mother-of-pearl, as though 
she had gained all the information she desired. 

“Ha, ha, ha!” she finally said, laughing softly. “That 
blundering, thick-pated donkey deceive me ! How amus- 
ing! I can go this very morning to a place where I can 
learn the truth, if, indeed, I think it worth while to take 
the trouble !” and she stopped a moment to consider. Evi- 
dently she decides it is worth while, for at the expiration 
of a short time she calls her maid and announces her in- 
tention of going out unattended. 

Her destination is the Chapel of the Holy Madonna in 
Heaven. As she gives the order to her coachman and her 
carriage door shuts with a bang, she says to herself, “No 
place to go to like the sanctuary when one is in trouble. 
Ha, ha, ha!” 

While she is driving down the avenue it is necessary to 
interpose a few explanatory remarks. 


203 


Mrs. Islip’s Investigation 

Among the various changes that the Rev. Mortimer Au- 
gustus Dunraven considered essential to the welfare of his 
church, besides the change of name, were certain altera- 
tions and improvements which it was his delight ^‘^to spring 
upon’^ his congregation, to use a homely phrase, from time 
to time. The phrase is used advisedly, for nothing could 
better express the methods of his carrying on his opera- 
tions. The first year of his incumbency he had announced 
from the holy desk, ^^That, as it was deemed expedient to 
worship the Lord with more beauty of surroundings as 
well as of holiness, the congregation would assemble for a 
few months in the vestry and Sabbath-school rooms while 
alterations were being made.’^ Such statements caused the 
vestrymen to start visibly, but as each one thought the 
plans had been adopted the time or times he had not at- 
tended the vestry meetings, they did not feel like insti- 
tuting any inquiries. 

When the alterations were completed it was as though 
the congregation were being ushered into one of the Pope’s 
private chapels in the Vatican at Rome. In fact, the Rev. 
Mortimer Augustus Dunraven during his year in Italy — 
the year which is given many of our youthful clergy imme- 
diately after graduation, for their spiritual improvement 
and upbuilding, but which is so often turned, as in the case 
of the gentleman under consideration, into a year of run- 
ning after and establishing themselves in all the foolish 
affectations and extravagances they meet — had conceived 
the idea of modelling any church he might become con- 
nected with after this celebrated edifice. There was the 
tesselated floor, and the rector’s idea was to banish seats, 
after Continental and Popish usages, but there were so 
many of his aged parishioners whose limbs, from rheuma- 
tism and other causes, had given out the first few Sundays 
the trial was made that he was forced to listen to the com- 


204 Three Fair Philanthropists 

plaint of his sexton, a distinguished and lordly-looking 
personage, who came to him and said : 

‘‘1 grieve to have to offer any'complaint, Mr. Dunraven, 

but during the thirty years I have gone for to (here 

the sexton coughed — it always seemed to affect his throat 
badly to mention his calling) “1 have gone for to — to give 
my attention to the supervisation of the internal arrange- 
ments of this here sanctuary, I never have been called on 
to do such heavy work as during the past month. And 
last Lord’s day — ^was it last Lord’s day ? — no, I think it was 
last Lord’s day a week, Mrs. Bullwinkle, it seemed to me, 
weighed a good plump ton! How me and my assistant, 
ever got her up and out I never shall know. Mrs. Tester 
and Miss Bates last w^eek wasn’t so bad, but unless you get 
some seats in there’ll have to be some strong men adver- 
tised for. I thiijk I know a coal-heaver or two as would 
like to get an extra job on Sunday for carrying out them 
as can’t stand during the entire service.” 

The rector decided to introduce the seats rather than 
advertise for the men, but to counteract this departure 
from his original high-church and Eomish plans he intro- 
duced also a couple of shrines, and kept the most expen- 
sive tapers burning before them. 

The new Confessional Hall was the last ^^jack in the box” 
wliich he had revealed to his delighted admirers. It 
was in the rear of the church and made from an enlarge- 
ment and elongation of the sacristy. It was a many-win- 
dowed corridor, and the windows were of richly stained 
glass. Opinion was so strong against the establishment of 
a confessional when he commenced this alteration that it 
was only ^^an improvement of the sacristy,” until the very 
last, when, lo! there appeared, together with an enlarged 
place for the many vestments of the new ceremonial, a 
corridor for the confessional. 


205 


Mrs. Islip’s Investigation 

To Mrs. Islip and the large class of fashionable women 
she represents this introduction of the confessional was a 
great attraction. There was no feeling that the low evan- 
gelical church of St. Christopher had been disloyal to its 
faith and denomination by allowing such an innovation. 

^Tt makes a person narrow-minded to be loyal or de- 
voted to any one cause, I have noticed,^’ she said to the 
rector. 

^^You are quite right, madam,^^ he had rejoined, ^^and 
narrow-mindedness is one of the most alarming evils of 
the age. No one will ever know how greatly my onward 
and outward progress has been hampered by this same ter- 
rible ill and he shook his head and sighed deeply. 

The reader may feel interested to know that the ham- 
pering above referred to came from certain mild objec- 
tions raised by the rector^s vestrymen to his placing a Mo- 
hammedan inscription from the Koran over the outside 
entrance to the chapel. An inside inscription they had 
winked at, or else had mistaken for a passage of Scripture 
in the original, but their views had not become so broad 
as to make it a matter of indifference to them whether their 
house of worship was taken for an infidel or Christian 
sanctuary. In these days, when liberal ideas and breadth 
of thought is such an absolute necessity in order to even 
up matters and not have certain of our clergy so much 
farther advanced than their charges in this direction, there 
ought to be some means devised whereby shepherd and 
flock could be sent to the Continent together. This can be 
effected in the near future doubtless by means of the air 
carriages which we are promised. Then motions to intro- 
duce Romish, Mohammedan, Grecian, Arabian, pagan, the- 
osophical or other improvements from the dark ages might 
be carried without a dissenting voice. 

But Mrs. Islip’s carriage has drawn up before the new 


206 Three Fair Philanthropists 

door put in at the side of the church, leading to the new 
corridor, and the reader will be interested to follow her 
movements. 

She found quite a number of ladies assembled in the 
corridor, at the further end of which, curtained off with 
heavy velour hangings, was the confessional box. The 
first to attract her attention was a figure, tall and lank, 
clothed in a peculiar gown made of coarse sackcloth. The 
gown seemed to consist of three open bags — one long 
bag drawn up around the neck for the body and two shorter 
ones for the arms. The person thus arrayed proved to be 
Miss Nevins, and she took great pride in calling attention 
to her new ^^confessional robe.^^ 

^Tt is imported, you know,” she confided to every one 
who would listen to her. ^^Such cloth as this is manufac- 
tured solely for the cardinals, bishops and priests to prac- 
tice their austerities in — holy cloth.” 

Some one took up a corner, and, putting a finger through 
the loose meshes, said: 

^^Quite true, in more senses than one.” 

never dare be so irreligious as to joke on such a 
serious subject,” Miss Nevins replied, reprovingly. ^^The 
style is imported, too. Worth sent an artist to spend two / 
months on the Nile picking up unique Oriental designs 
for these robes, and this is the most distingue and chaste 
of his collection. What do you think of it?” she contin- 
ued. 

^There’s no doubt but you look chaste in it^ — that is, 
chased by a mad dog or a bull,” replied the same person 
who had spoken before. 

^TIow any one can pun and jest in such a sacred place as 
this I do not see!” exclaimed Miss Nevins, with tears in 
her weak blue eyes. was going to tell you something 
more about it, but now I won’t. Only I’ll say this much. 


207 


Mrs. Islip’s Investigation 

you can^t any of you copy the style. It won^t be fair ! It’s 
protected!” So saying, Miss Nevins went off by herself 
into a corner, where she looked like nothing so much as a 
limp bundle of dirty clothes. 

Mrs. Islip had hoped to arrive at the church at the hour 
when the rector’s assistant should be relieving his principal 
of the duty of shriving the penitent, but although it was 
the hour for the curate to occupy the confessional box, she 
managed to find by passing the heavy velour curtains when 
her dress parted the draper}^, that the rector was detained 
by no less a personage than Mrs. Mettle. She then re- 
membered that it was the day for high confessional, when 
the fee had been raised from the usual five-dollar amount 
to ten dollars. 

^‘Mrs. Mettle’s thrift compels her to make a double- 
lengthed confession, I see,” Mrs. Islip said to herself. 

There were abundant proofs that this judgment was cor- 
rect. Among them, the fact that the seat provided for the 
penitents being a wooden stool high enough to have made 
the limbs of such a short person as Mrs. Mettle dangle un- 
comfortably, was moved without the curtain and a cush- 
ioned armchair and comfortable hassock took its place. 
Mrs. Islip judged that the rector must have beheld these 
preparations with misgivings, which had been more than 
realized before her arrival, for Mrs. Mettle had been dis- 
coursing for the last three-quarters of an hour, every once 
in a while looking in her lap, where lay a memorandum of 
a list of subjects for her to talk upon, and if she continued 
as long on each as she had just done on ^^Thieving Serv- 
ants,” which was only half way down the column, it did 
not seem that she would cease for the next half day. Mrs. 
Islip heard the rector try a little fiattery. Breaking into 
Mrs. Mettle’s uninterrupted flow of talk without waiting 
for what seldom came — a pause — he said : 


208 


Three F air Philanthropists 


^^Dear Mrs. Mettle, you have a very tender conscience. 
I only wish all my congregation would emulate your noble 
example I” while he thought to himself : they did Vd 

have to erect five more confessional boxes and keep a man 
in each one the entire twenty-four hours. 

‘^ISTow, Rector/^ was Mrs. Mettle’s repl}^, ‘^don’t you in- 
terrupt me, and you’ll hear something that will show you 
still better how good and clever I am, and what a tender 
conscience I have. Now, let me see, where was I? I re- 
member! I was telling you about Kittie Larkins. She 
had tow hair. She never kept it smooth. She seemed to 
have no adequate idea of what smooth was. She’d put 
some kind of oily stuff on that would scent up the rooms 
so that I was obliged to have Maria take her and soak her 
head for half a day. Then a brush heap of fully charged 
electric wires was smooth beside her. I can’t begin to tell 
you what a trial that girl’s hair was to me. I bore it with 
what fortitude I could command, however, and I don’t 
think I said anything bad — ^that is, not very had — not 
nearly so had as you’d expect, when you considered how 
tried I was. By the way, I’d like to stop and ask you 
just how emphatic a person could he in her language with- 
out being profane, but I must go on now about Kittie.” 

Mrs. Mettle little realized how close to that debatable 
region between emphasis and profanity she was driving the 
rector. He sat in the box clothed in a long, rough camel’s 
hair robe, with a ropen girdle about his loins. A pointed 
hood or cowl was attached to the neck of the robe, and this 
he kept over his head after having tried the effect of both 
ways on his assistant. It was decidedly more picturesque 
and austere, as well as uncomfortable, to have the head cov- 
ered. For the sake of the picturesqueness and austerity he 
could endure the discomfort, which was greatly augmented 
by the fact of his being obliged to have a stiffening to pre- 


209 


Mrs. Islip’s Investigation 

serve its upright, conical appearance. To the casual ob- 
server he was the embodiment of serenity and devout piety. 

^^She was so stupid,” continued Mrs. Mettle, ^That no 
matter how many times I told her she was never to place 
a pair of bronze vases in a certain position, she always 
would forget and put them just as I told her not to. The 
vases were some Tuftus and I got before bronze was — er — 
ex — actly — er — fashionable — well, that is, for us.” That 
was the way Mrs. Mettle referred to the days when she and 
Tuftus lived in a more limited way than at present. ^^And 
Tuftus will not have them removed. But there are sev- 
eral places where it shows most unmistakably that they are 
not pure bronze, and as these places are all on one side, it is 
very easy, with care, to preserve their want of purity a state 
secret. One day before my daughter’s coming-out party, 
when I was working with might and main to make it a 
success — not sleeping nights with my plannings, and dash- 
ing about days, as Tuftus used to say, ^ike a wild woman 
after a mosquito,’ Mrs. Van Oldensnob came in to call. I 
was delighted! That meant no end of things then, though 
now I consider I’ve passed the Van Oldensnobs several 
lengths. She got to talking about some presents she had 
just received on her birthday. One was a pair of bronze 
vases, which she described in glowing terms, till she turned 
around and spied mine, when she said: ^They are some- 
thing like yours, Mrs. Mettle.’ Then she stopped short. I 
looked to see what was the matter, and I can’t express my 
horror and shame ! That wretched girl had arranged those 
vases so that you could not have been any more certain 
that they were tin if you had seen them dug out of the 
mine. The rest of that woman’s call was a blank to me 
ever afterward ! I never could remember what she said or 
what I said, or whether there was anything said. I called 
Kittie, and was presenting her with those wretched vases. 


210 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


together with the most withering remarks on her stupidity 
and carelessness. I meant to have her bundled out of the 
house before Tuftus came in. But I was not successful. 
He came in. And if ever a man needed to come around to 
confessional he does. He talked perfectly terrible about 
my sending the girl off with those vases as pay for a few 
months’ wages, just as if she might not think herself well 
off if she had them for a year’s service, after making me 
appear so ridiculous at such a critical time. Tuftus has a 
great many faults for a man with so many good qualities. 
That makes me think of another girl, Marcella Lowdown- 
sky.” 

The serenity of the austerely draped person in the con- 
fessor’s box was being affected. He tried to remain out- 
wardly passive, but he managed to write a few lines, which 
ran thus: 

^^Get all the choir boys in the building together as soon 
as you can, and have them strike that high C and hold on to 
it through twelve measures, which occurs in the ^Mass for 
Lost Spirits’ they are practicing for St. Lucifer’s Day.” 

This note he handed to a boy, who noiselessly opened the 
door in the back of the confessional box in answer to the 
electric bell, which the rector could touch with his foot. 

Mrs. Mettle found the narration of the faults of Mar- 
cella Lowdownsky even more amusing and entertaining, to 
herself at least, than the previous story of Kittie Larkins ; 
that is, if one could judge from the greater mass of detail 
which she was throwing into it. 

The ladies waiting for their turns had ceased to walk 
up and down. Miss Nevins v/as nodding over in her cor- 
ner. Miss Mettle and Miss Denny had both arrived, but 
their eyes were fixed on the floor and their brows were ever 
and anon contracted with frovms, as thoughts of a perplex- 
ing nature filled their minds. The noise from the street 


211 


Mrs. Islip’s Investigation 

came in a dull, distant murmur. A large clock in one cor- 
ner made itself very prominent by its loud ticking. But 
suddenly this peace and quiet were broken by a loud, pro- 
longed — well, shriek best describes the first impression. 
Every one started to their feet. Miss Nevins joined in a 
sympathetic refrain. Mrs. Mettle^s interest in the further 
recital of Marcella’s doings seemed to be instantly de- 
stroyed, as the rector had believed that it would be. She 
arose hastily, saying : 

^^What is that ? I miLst go and see !” And in her anx- 
iety she forgot the hassock at her feet, and nearly fell over 
it. By the time, however, that any of the ladies could 
reach the door at the further end of the corridor the choir 
boys had descended from their high perch on the alarming 
C and were warbling around on more frequented notes, 
which caused the ladies, some of them shamefacedly, to 
return with the assurance that nothing more to be dreaded 
than a rehearsal was taking place. 

This short interruption afforded the rector the oppor- 
tunity he had so devoutly craved of throwing his austere 
outer garment around the form of his assistant and send- 
ing him into the confessional box. But before this change 
had been affected Mrs. Islip had been able to have a short 
conversation with Mr. Baddicker, the curate. 

She evidently had interviewed him before, for when he 
saw her he advanced to meet her, holding out his hand 
with something in it. 

^T’m afraid I shall not be able to do as you asked me the 
last time we met, Mrs. Islip; so as an honorable man I 
must return you this,” handing her a gold eagle. 

^^Why, Mr. Baddicker, you surprise me !” exclaimed Mrs. 
Islip, arching her eyebrows and laughing merrily. sup- 
posed one of the principal reasons for having a confes- 
sional was to give the confessor perfect command of all 


212 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


the secret longings and aspirations of his complainant’s 
heart. Is not that the reason some husbands foolishly ob- 
ject to their wives going to confessional, and, in conse- 
quence, an estrangement ensues? But I cannot imagine 
why it should be so,^’ Mrs. Islip continued half to herself. 

should be so glad to hear Silas had gone to confes- 
sional and had any longings and aspirations except for me 
to make him out checks for large amounts, that, instead 
of feeling estranged, my affection for him would be greatly 
intensified. Moreover, Mr. Baddicker,’’ she resumed, ad- 
dressing the curate, ‘fif this knowledge is only used for the 
advantage of all concerned, as, in this case, it will be, there 
can certainly be no objection, to your finding out for me 
which of the three young ladies cares for, or is possibly 
now engaged to, my son-in-law.” 

Mrs. Islip paused, waiting for a rejoinder from her com- 
panion, but instead of saying anything he shrugged his 
shoulders and a foxy look appeared on his countenance. 
And this kind of a look was by no means foreign or out of 
character, for Curate Baddicker’s face showed a low, re- 
treating forehead, sharp, black eyes set near together, and 
a prominent nose; and it would be easier to imagine him 
either evolved from or about to be metamorphosed into a 
fox than any other animal. 

Mrs. Islip understood the man and what made him hesi- 
tate, for she took out her purse and placed another eagle 
by the one already in his palm. That did not satisfy, for 
he let them both remain, and not till she had placed coin 
to the amount of one hundred and fifty dollars did he show 
any signs of being content to comply with her request. It 
is not certain that he would have stopped then, had he not 
heard footsteps approaching, and his anxiety to keep the 
transaction a secret made him close the bargain. 

Eeference has already been made to the liberal views 


213 


Mrs. Islip’s Investigation 

of Rector Mortimer Augustus Dunraven and of his wish to 
embody and exemplify all sorts of religious beliefs, Chris- 
tian as well as heathen. And it is a singular fact which 
has been verified even by the author’s limited experience, 
that when a man or a church shows this tendency the 
heathenish infiuences are apt to get the upper hand and 
choke out the simply Christian. But the rector had many 
sympathizers with his way of thinking, and one v/ho aided 
him greatly in his work of broadening the views of the 
majority of his congregation was a lady of wealth by the 
name of Mrs. Trotlander. She craved the privilege of 
presenting the Chapel of the Holy Madonna in Heaven 
with a confessional box, and in order that she might use 
that object to convey notable lessons every time it was gazed 
upon, she had a minaret on the top, like that of a famous 
Greek church. This minaret was carved over with Per- 
sian ornamentations, embodying figures of fire-worship- 
pers. 

^^Oh, those beautiful fire-worshippers !” she was wont to 
say, clasping her hands fervently and looking heavenward. 
^^How far in advance of us at the present day !” 

At the base of the minaret were carved Confucian, 
Buddhistic and Theosophical wise sayings, which were 
faithfully numbered and their translations catalogued. 
The window was patterned after the strange apertures 
allowed in Burmese temples. But the most striking inno- 
vation was its being placed on rockers and facing the 
East, so that like the Mohammedan it might bow in the 
right direction every time any one entered its sacred pre- 
cincts. Mr. Baddicker had to exercise care in settling him- 
self in this swaying box, for he was a large, fat man and 
he knew Mrs. Trotlander would bo so shocked she never 
would be able to forgive him if her efforts at broadening 
the minds of her fellow worshippers should also be made 


214 Three Fair Philanthropists 

to serve as a type of sudden and disastrous overthrow 
by any untoward movements on his part. He had succeeded 
in accomplishing this delicate feat, however, and had 
heard the confessions of several old ladies, who had cor- 
rected him quite sharply on several points relating to 
theology and social ethics when to his relief he saw the 
further door close on the figure of Mrs. Islip. He experi- 
enced great relief at this, for he feared she might be on 
hand when he was listening to a voice that was growing 
dearer to him than life, viz., the voice of Miss Eay Mettle. 
Her image, resplendent in its brave purple velvet suit, had 
been before his mental vision and had been the constraining 
cause of his driving a bargain that otherwise he would have 
been afraid to drive with Mrs. Islip. ^^But how many 
flowers and how much confectionery could a man get for 
ten dollars ?” he had repeatedly asked himself. He scorned 
the idea that she of the steely-grey eyes, whose slightest 
glance sent such transports into his soul, could be thinking 
of an3*one save himself, for had she not waited so as to come 
to confessional, when he was the confessor he did not care 
to think how many times and if any one had told him — 
four — ^the actual number — he would have denied it stoutly 
and declared that forty was nearer the truth, into such 
blissful eternities does love convey even unworthy souls, 
like the curate^s. Moreover did she not make excuses to en- 
gage him in conversation longer than any occasion, save the 
occasion of wishing to be near him and hear his voice, re- 
quired ? To be sure she talked of his superior, the rector, 
but that was natural, because of their having so few topics 
in common upon which they could talk. 

The state of transport into which he was thrown be- 
cause of the success of his interview with Mrs. Islip, was 
one cause of his being taken to task by an old lady on his 


215 


Mrs. Islip’s Investigation 

theological standard. For in answer to her question, asked 
with tears in her eyes and choking utterance : 

‘^How long after death do you suppose I shall have to 
wait before my soul will be joined by my body and I be 
recognized by my friends T’ 

He had answered, all smiles and satisfaction: 

^'Oh, immediately, madam, perhaps to-day,’^ his own 
mind being given over to thinking of Miss Mettle and how 
he should probably propose to her that very morning. 

He realized his mistake when he saw the tears suddenly 
disappear and heard the old lady say : 

^To-day !’ young man, ^to-day,’ what do you mean by 
such a flippant reply ? H am not dying^ to-day ! I have 
had dim suspicions for a long time that there was a ten- 
dency to be erratic and equivocal in the theology of the 
present, but if you are trained to give such replies to such 
serious questions as mine; there is no longer any doubt 
about it in my mind and nothing the curate could say in 
excuse of his mistake prevented the old lady from shaking 
her head and leaving him in a state of high displeasure. 

As Miss Mettle approached the tall minaret on top of the 
confessional box quivered with the excitement of its oc- 
cupant and she said to the curate, looking up at its dizzy 
height and then at him : 

^^You do not think it will fall over? It seems to me 
to be shakier than ever this morning.-’^ 

And the curate had replied in some trepidation: 

^^You did not notice that it bowed in any other direction 
than toward the East, did you?’’ 

could not see that it conflned its motions to any one 
direction. It seemed to bob round in every way. Why does 
not Mrs. Trotlander, if she wishes to use it as a type, a 
figure, an emblem of the Mohammedan form of worship, 
have it made so that it will move only toward the East ?” 


216 Three Fair Philanthropists 

^^SHe has tried and slie is trying, at least she is paying 
men to experiment,” replied the curate, gazing with rap- 
ture into Miss Mettle’s eyes and finding in their cold, 
steely depths complete satisfaction. ^^But in the mean- 
time she expects me and every one who gets into this place 
to manage so that its motions may typify adoration of that 
one point of the compass. It is very hard for me to do 
this when there is, — when there is — any one near 
me 

‘‘Like Mrs. Trotlander, for instance,” interrupted Miss 
Mettle. 

The burst of subdued (?) laughter which greeted this 
sally brought a smile of satisfaction to Miss Mettle's 
countenance at the same time that an increase in the stir 
outside reminded her of what she had almost entirely for- 
gotten, viz. — that she was supposed to be at confessional. 
This made her mention in a casual way a few of her most 
praiseworthy shortcomings, which were discoursed upon 
at length by her admirer, and shown to be not faults, but 
absolutely shining and transparent virtues. About this 
time if the curate’s ears had not been so absorbed in listen- 
ing to Miss Mettle, he might have heard footsteps pausing 
in the passageway just back of the confessional box and a 
door beside that of the secret door leading into his place 
pushed gently open. The truth is, that Mrs. Islip, before 
reaching the outside door in passing from the confessional 
corridor into the street, was stopped by Eector Dunraven, 
who asked her if she would not like to look at some new 
and costly vestments just received. Upon her answering 
in the affirmative he conducted her to this passageway and 
asked her to wait there as the light was better, until he re- 
turned with the garments in question. He was detained 
by a knotty question propounded by the sexton. During 
his absence, Mrs, Islip, looking about her and realizing 


217 


Mrs. Islip’s Investigation 

that she was very near the curate who was pledged to do 
her bidding, gently pushed open the door. wonder 
whom he is shriving,” she said to herself. As if in answer 
to her mental questioning she heard at that instant the 
curate say: 

am sure, Miss Mettle, that you must know.” 

^^Oh ho,” said Mrs. Islip to herself, ^^he is getting right 
to work to solve my problem for me. I thought him a 
knave for extracting so much money from me, but now I 
do not think he is much beside a poor fellow hard up and 
anxious to make all he can, no matter how.” Her reflec- 
tions lost Mrs. Islip Miss Mettle’s rejoinder. The next 
thing was the curate’s reply in faltering accents: 

^‘But I must tell you. I cannot keep it to myself.” 

^^The miserable wretch !” exclaimed Mrs. Islip under her 
breath, her artless suavity for the once entirely banished 
by her excitement. ^^He is going to tell her all about my 
plans !” She involuntarily put her hand upon the box, 
which was set in motion by her touch. Ordinarily, the 
curate would have been alarmed by this manifestation of an 
outside power giving motion to the seat he occupied, but 
now, so absorbed was he in what he was saying, it seemed 
only natural, as would doubtless any other convulsion of 
nature, had it occurred. The next exclamation of the 
curate’s caused Mrs. Islip as much emotion as the last, but 
this time it was astonishment, pure and simple, for he said : 

‘^Oh, Miss Mettle, since the first time my eyes rested on 
your beautiful, noble figure my mind has been filled with 
the conviction that nature designed us for each other. 
May I ” 

^^Let go of my hand, sir!” Miss Mettle replied. 

^^Oh, I cannot, fairest one and dearest!” returned her 
admirer. 


218 


Three Fair Philanthropists 

Mrs. Islip covered her face with her delicate lace pocket- 
handkerchief, and, laughing to herself, said : 

calf for right-down, out-and-out calfiness like a 
love-ensnared calf!” 

^^You cannot mean that you wish me to give up all my 
hopes of happiness; to writhe in the clutches of a never- 
ending despair; to — to 

The curate had no opportunity to finish his sentence, for, 
in trying to keep hold of Miss Mettle’s hand he caused the 
unstable contrivance he occupied to transgress the laws of 
gravity, and all such transgressions are bound to receive 
their just punishment, even if by that means, as in this 
case, a lover’s passionate pleadings have to be interrupted ; 
or, sadder still, the type of a broadened Christianity over- 
turned. 

What added to the seriousness of the situation, Mrs. 
Trotlander, being in the corridor, looked over the hangings, 
and, beholding the intensely unsteady motions of her pet 
type and symbol of religious breadth in worship, hastened 
to see what was the trouble, and arrived just in time to be 
buried in the general wreckage along with the curate and 
Miss Mettle. 

A great many unpleasant effects ensued from this un- 
timely disaster besides the usual assortment of bruises and 
bumps and scratches and inward concussions and outward 
contusions, foremost among them being the dismissal of 
the curate. 

Mrs. Trotlander called out for this, in the lulls between 
the twinges of pain caused by the lighting on her cranium 
of a choice bit of her precious minaret, type of the Greek 
form of worship. She called out, I repeat, for the curate’s 
dismissal as though she were a ravenous beast thirsting for 
blood. The breadth of thought which she so persistently 
cultivated did not extend in the direction of forgiveness of 


Mrs. Islip’s Investigation 


219 


injuries. She knew all about transmigration of souls and 
the various changes necessary for passing through the Hin- 
doo states of purification, but of the true gospel change of 
heart she was as ignorant as though she had been born 
under a banyan tree and her youth passed amid hook- 
swinging, juggernaut-car driving and the many other 
broadening Buddhistical infiuences. 

The rector yielded to Mrs. Trotlander’s earnest solicita- 
tions, while at the same time he tried to induce her to 
strike off the Mohammedan from the list of ancient reli- 
gions to be typified, inasmuch as so much shakiness was 
the result. But he could not get her to promise, for she 
feared that her standing in a theosophical society which 
she had just started would be disastrously affected thereby. 

Mrs. Islip drove home holding her sides with laughter at 
the sight of the overthrow. 

^^That curate’s got my money,” she said to herself be- 
tween the lulls in her merriment, ^fi)ut he is welcome to it 
for the amusement he has afforded me. Ha, ha, ha! A 
grampus imprisoned in a carved snuff-box could not have 
wriggled and twisted more helplessly to get out, and Miss 
Mettle — she looked so deliciously mad ! I think I will go 
over this afternoon and inquire after her injuries, though 
I know that wounded pride and vanity are her worst ills. 
Whoever else she may be engaged to it is not nor will not 
be Curate Baddicker. Ha, ha, ha!” 


220 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


CHAPTER XXL 

PECULIAKITIES OF THE VOLUNTEER WORKER. 

Mr. K. Eoundout Grout’s intention of seeing the three 
fair philanthropists soon after sending them his check was 
the best in the world, as I can testify, for, unfortunately, 
1 was the only person visible to the naked eye when the 
gentleman visited the club rooms several times for that 
purpose. 

The first time he came Miss Hopper was seated at a 
small table in the back of the long, elegant suite of rooms 
making out a form for a reward of merit card, a certain 
number of which would entitle their possessor to a hand- 
some present and would indicate that she had been bene- 
fited by a certain amount of poetry and art. These pres- 
ents would be paid for from the thousand dollars, which 
was her third of the gentleman’s bequest. 

I was seated near the door, and, looking up, was not 
surprised to have him regard me as a piece of furniture 
(and a miserable, cheap piece at that), it being his cus- 
tomary form of civility toward me. I noticed that his 
manner was even more arrogant and self-assertive than 
usual. He seemed to look around him with an air of pro- 
prietorship, stepping up to the mantelpiece and examining 
several of the choice bits of bric-a-brac as a person would 
do who was about to take complete possession. I continued 
my sewing, expecting every moment to hear him make some 
remark to Miss Hopper, when, to my surprise, he turned 
to me and said: 


The Volunteer Worker 221 

am astonished that none of the young ladies are here 
this morning, Mrs. Winn.” 

I looked around to where Miss Hopper had been seated, 
but a moment previously, and, sure enough, there was not 
a vestige or trace of her to be seen. I might have been 
led to believe that a supernatural agency had suddenly 
snatched her away had there not been a handsome Jap- 
anese screen near her former position, and from behind 
which a very faint rustling, gave me the assurance she had 
slipped. I therefore bowed my head and said ; 

‘^ould you like to leave any word for them?” 

'TTou may say I have called and regretted not seeing 
them. At least, you may say I deeply regretted not see- 
ing Miss Mettle; but I will call again.” 

This he did several times, but the young ladies formed 
the hat)it of locking the door when they came to stay, 
and when I went to open it they would disappear into 
closets or behind doors, leaving me to make the best of an 
embarrassing situation. 

Miss Mettle about this time absented herself altogether 
from our midst. I wondered what could be the reason, 
and after a while I learned through Mrs. Thatcher. Af- 
fairs were in a most perplexing state at the Mission owing 
to Mr. Griffin’s unreasonable anger against Mr. Bowman. 
The income from the endowment fund was stopped, and 
Eector Dunraven made an urgent appeal for volunteer 
workers to help Mrs. Thatcher. 

After he had had a long conversation with Mrs. Mettle 
that lady said to her daughter the first chance she had to 
see her alone: 

^^Kay, I have promised Eector Dunraven that you would 
go to the Mission to-morrow.” 

^^hat for, pray?” returned her daughter, lifting her 
eyebrows in surprise. 


222 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


a volunteer worker/’ returned Mrs. Mettle. 

^^Well, upon my word, mummy, I consider that very 
cool ! Why didn’t you offer to go yourself ?” 

am going, to chaperon you,” exclaimed Mrs. Mettle, 
her little, bright black eyes snapping with excitement. 
“What are you laughing at, Eay?” she continued as her 
daughter gave expression to her feelings in a way to call 
forth that question. “I consider the present no time for 
foolish laughing and jesting. Did you know that Miss 
Nevins and her mother have already been acting as volun- 
teer workers for several days? I consider that a very 
ominous sign.” 

^‘Who is afraid of Lena Nevins?” asked Miss Mettle 
contemptuously. 

“That is just what you said about Belle Tenny when 
she began to play sweet on Bob Graham after you intro- 
duced them. I talked and talked, you will remember, 
and told you not to invite them both to the house so 
much; but 3^ou refused to listen, and the consequences 
were Belle Tenny bore him off triumphantly right before 
your face and eyes. And now you have annoyed dear, good 
Mr. Grout so much by not applying his donation to the end 
specified in his note that I greatly fear he intends to have 
us omitted from the list of invited guests at his mother- 
in-law’s grand party, which I hear is to be the most mag- 
nificent affair of the season. That, of course, would be a 
slight we could not overlook, and would end everything 

as far as he is concerned; and then if Lena Nevins ” 

But Mrs. Mettle’s composure would not admit of her fin- 
ishing the sentence with its (to her mind) ghastly proba- 
bilities; instead, she buried her face in her hands and 
sobbed aloud. 

“Now, mummy, don’t cry!” exclaimed her daughter, 
“you can temporize with Mr. Grout — tell him that calls 


The Volunteer Worker 


223 


for benevolent assistance; or you might say a philan- 
thropic undertaking in another field; or perhaps it would 
sound more impressive to assert that charity in the guise 
of a suppliant, but with the impelling power of a stern- 
browed Nemesis 

^^You need not expect me to orate in that style, Kay 
Mettle !” replied her mother, wiping her eyes. am go- 
ing to begin and tell him the truth.^^ 

wouldn^t if I were you, mummy. He is a man so un- 
used to that vernacular, you would have to translate every- 
thing you said, and it might be embarrassing.’^ 

In consequence of Rector Dunraven’s representations of 
the straitened condition of affairs at the Mission, the 
neighbors in the vicinity of that building had frequent 
cause to repair to their windows, the reason for this activ- 
ity being the unusual sound of the jingling of gold and sil- 
ver plated harness on horses connected with the dashing 
turnouts, in which the volunteer worker was borne to her 
field of labor. For these dear creatures belonged to the 
class who considered it ill-bred to go anywhere in a horse 
car, and, although they believed thoroughly in dancing all 
night, they thought a walk of five blocks overtaxed their 
nerves. To the question in the hymn : 

'"Must I he carried to the shies 
On flowery beds of ease?"' 

they would have given an emphatic ^^Yes,” and protested 
that otherwise they could not thinh of going ! 

The morning the Mettles drove up to the Mission the 
weather was cloudy and forbidding, and there had oc- 
curred nothing of an exciting nature. The usual number 
of men soliciting in tones of voice more or less dulcet, 
^^Rags! Bottles!” and those assuring all concerned tnat 


224 Three Fair Philanthropists 

they paid ^^Cash oF do’ !” had passed along, but the first 
real event of any importance was the appearance of the 
Mettle establishment. The number of heads appearing 
and milk cans being overturned with the first crack of 
their coachman’s whip moved that august functionary to 
repeat the process, until the houses opposite and far down 
the street blossomed out with human heads, which ap- 
peared to cause him the same satisfaction that a prima 
donna receives from blossoms sent over the footlights. 

Lame Johnnie was sweeping the steps of the building, 
and when he stepped up to the ladies and asked them if 
they wanted to see Mrs. Thatcher, Mrs. Mettle said : 

‘^Why, you poor boy, how lame you are ! You must come 
right in here with me, and I’ll put you to bed ! That’s 
just what I’ve come down here for — to take care of such 
little boys as you and put them to bed.” 

Lame J ohnnie disappeared in a twinkling, and, running 
to Mrs. Thatcher, cried: 

^^Oh, Mamma Thatch, save me ! Here is some one come 
down to put me to bed! Oh, you won’t let them, will 
you ?” And as he heard Mrs. Mettle’s voice calling : 

^^Lame boy ! lame boy !” he crawled under an old lounge, 
excitedly begging: 

‘^Don’t tell her where I am, will you. Mamma Thatch ?” 

Mrs. Thatcher sighed as she saw the last of Johnnie’s 
shabby little feet disappear, for the boy was a great help, 
especially when there were volunteer workers to be waited 
on. She was beginning her second week with help from 
this source, and she did not think the change an improve- 
ment. But she greeted the two ladies with her cordial 
smile and ushered them into the main room, where the 
most of the children were playing. 

It was as if sweet bells began suddenly to jangle out of 
tune, for the babies left their various plays and games, and. 


The Volunteer Worker 


225 


running off into the farthest part of the room, some com- 
menced to chatter in baby vernacular, while others were 
so overcome by their emotions that their baby lips curled 
up and loud wails rent the air. 

Mrs. Thatcher was glad the sounds were so discordant 
that the newcomers could not understand the remarks of 
the older children, for Willie Crosby had his fists doubled 
up and kept repeating: ^^No, sir; no, sir; I s’anT take a 
drop of nussin ^cept Mamma Thatch gins it to me”; and 
sturdy Hans Ducklieber, a five-year-old German child, 
clasped both hands around his throat, saying: ^^Mein 
troat ! Mein troat ! It vas dat pads from vat de vimmins 
haf made me takes !” while Katie McGowey piped up in her 
Irish brogue: ^^Oh, Mamma Thatch, sure yez^ll not be 
afther axin’ me to let ’em ’speriment (experiment) on me 
agin, will yez, now ?” But as if she were not sure, she ran 
for a closet, where she stood with the door open just far 
enough to show her bright eyes. 

The explanation of these remarks and actions of the 
children was the fact that the previous volunteer workers, 
Mrs. and Miss Kevins, being unusually ailing women and 
accustomed to constant dosing, had insisted on having 
the children arranged in rows like little bottles and pour- 
ing into them certain concoctions of greater or less 
strength, according as the two ladies felt stronger or 
weaker. 

^^Hush, children!” said Mrs. Thatcher, ^^see how good 
you can be. These ladies have come here to help me take 
care of you.” 

^^0 be sure we have,” replied Mrs. Mettle, beginning to 
untie her bonnet strings and take off her gloves, ^^and 
now I must get hold of that lame boy and put him to 
bed.” 


226 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


“Do you mean Lame Johnnie?’^ asked Willie Crosby^ 
interested at once. 

“He vas here leetle times ago/’ said Hans, letting go 
his throat and brightening up at the prospect of a hunt. 

“Ho!” returned Willie, ^die can’t stay hid from me 
long,” leading the way into the back room, while Mrs. 
Thatcher shut the door into her own private room, where, 
underneath the lounge, was^ Johnnie’s place of conceal- 
ment. Mrs. Mettle was soon accompanied by all the avail- 
able force of the nursery, and she made one think of the 
“Pied Piper” as she wandered around looking for the 
lame boy toward whom she cherished intentions of such 
a reposeful nature. 

The search was not a successful one as far as finding the 
object for which it was instituted was concerned, but it 
was successful in furnishing Mrs. Mettle with data where- 
by she was able to acquaint Mrs. Thatcher with bits of in- 
formation, which, from the impressive air she gave them, 
one would have thought entirely fresh and unheard of until 
she mentioned them. They were to the effect that the 
washtubs were worn out, that the kitchen range needed 
new lids on the top and doors at the side, that the brooms 
and brushes were beyond use, etc. 

These valuable discoveries she followed by suggestions 
of equal importance, namely, that porcelain tubs were the 
best; soapstone might do to put in temporarily, but she 
would not think of having for permanent use anything be- 
side porcelain. 

Another thing she deemed of greatest importance was 
that children should be surrounded by evidences of order 
and cleanliness. She thought ashes on the hearth very 
objectionable and tended to give the young wrong ideas 
in regard to order, and when she was at home she always 


The Volunteer Worker 


227 


folded up her aprons after using them; indeed, she had a 
certain place in a drawer where she placed them. 

While Mrs. Mettle was engaged in rendering the val- 
uable assistance above described, her daughter found time 
to exert her energies in straightening out the cribs; that 
is, by removing the wrinkles in the covering of the sleep- 
ing infants. In this process she awakened nearly every 
child, who, failing to appreciate the advantages of lying 
under smooth covering, began a lively remonstrance. 

In the midst of this animated chorus the rector ap- 
peared. Mrs. Mettle, calling her daughter, sought the 
seclusion of Mrs. Thatcher’s room, where, throwing her- 
self down on the lounge underneath which Johnnie lay 
concealed, she exclaimed: 

^^Well, rector, no one knows until they try it, how hard 
it is to do benevolent work. Things go so contrary! 
There’s that lame boy I I have not found him yet and put 
him to bed.” 

Johnnie, just beneath her, whispered softly to himself: 

^^Hope she won’t, either.” 

^^.But, mummy,” returned her daughter, ^That is noth- 
ing to what it is to be caring for twenty babies and have 
them all wake up at once, as I did. J ust hear them I” 

They stopped a moment to listen — there were the cries 
from the mad baby, who, with doubled-up fist and red- 
dened face, was entering its vigorous protest against being 
disturbed in the midst of a fine morning nap; there were 
the cries from the sad baby, more plaintive than forcible; 
there was the glad baby weeping from excess cf emotion 
that there was anything to cry about. In the midst of the 
tumult came soothing tones, half lullaby, half remon- 
strance, in Mrs. Thatcher’s sweet voice. 

find Mrs. Thatcher quite a remarkable woman,” said 
Miss Mettle. 


228 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


^^Ah!” returned the rector, what way?’^ 

am sure she does not fold up her aprons, and I found 
ashes on the kitchen hearth,^^ said Mrs. Mettle. 

This unfavorable criticism of his precious Mamma 
Thatch almost brought the tears to Lame Johnnie’s eyes, 
tucked avray as he was under the sofa, and made his hand 
move nervously. It was not strange that Mrs. Mettle’s 
little fat legs hanging so near made him think of a pin 
he had in his waistcoat. 

^^Why,” returned Miss Mettle, ^^she is remarkable in 
this — she is an exceedingly fine-looking, attractive woman, 
yet she does not seem to have aspirations for social dis- 
tinction or for changing her lot in any way; and she treats 
us, toward whom most women would have feelings, either 
of jealousy on the one hand, or of a fawning sycophant on 
the other, cordially and with dignity, as ladies from whom 
she expected nothing.” 

She did not add, as she might have done, that Mrs. 
Thatcher’s expectations were seldom unfulfilled. 

am sure it would be no recommendation to me to 
say of an unmarried or widowed person,” replied Mrs. 
Mettle with decision, ^^that they had no aspirations for 
changing their lot. It is their business to have aspira- 
tions. If they do not who can sufficiently to accomplish 
anything? But I think she must leave something besides 
ashes on her hearth,” and Mrs. Mettle moved her legs un- 
easily owing to the gentle pricks of Johnnie’s pin. 

^^Oh, what an awful woman !” said Johnnie to himself, 
'^to talk so about dear Mamma Thatch,” and he admin- 
istered a deeper, deadlier indentation. 

“Eay, I think w^e must go home immediately!” ex- 
claimed Mrs. Mettle, springing to her feet in great alarm. 

feel twinges of rheumatism worse than anything I ever 
felt before.” And the little woman limped around like a 


The Volunteer Worker 


229 


lame hen, hurrying her daughter by every means at her 
command, but never neglecting amid the general bustle to 
make definite plans with the rector for meeting him in the 
same place the following day. 

There were several reasons why the rector was willing 
to accede to Mrs. Mettle’s plans. There was first and fore- 
most his desire to run the Mission as cheaply as possible. 
If there had not been danger of estranging a few people 
who had the poor taste to be interested in such an humble, 
unostentatious charity he would have closed the doors of 
the Mission entirely. For he himself was having built in 
the upper part of the city a large structure, the object of 
its erection being to carry on a form of philanthropy we 
will explain later on. This undertaking required a large 
outlay, and together with the necessary sum for the run- 
ning expenses, including incense, tapers, flowers, etc., 
made a heavy drain on his resources. 

He often looked at himself in the glass and wondered if 
there was another man on the face of the earth so hard 
up for money as himself. It was small wonder he was 
thin and scrawny and yellow. The sight had a tendency 
to shake his belief in the expediency of the doctrine of 
the celibacy of the clergy, on which topic he had written 
exhaustively in the verdancy of his early ministry. But 
now he had acknowledged to himself that affairs might 
reach such a pass that he would be obliged to marry. And 
if ever stem necessity laid such an alternative upon him 
(a prospect that always caused deep groans) he was re- 
solved to be even with fate to the extent of marrying a 
woman with as great a fortune as possible. 

Miss Mettle was a young lady that appeared to have aa 
few of the average feminine weaknesses as any he had met, 
while her reputed wealth was fabulous. He therefore felt 
it incumbent upon him to humor her mother, and was in 


230 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


waiting for the ladies at the Mission at the time specified. 
His greeting, as Mrs. Mettle heard it, was : 

^‘Is it you, dear, at last ?’' But what the rector actually 
said was: 

^'Is it you here at last 

He wondered what made Mrs. Mettle suddenly become 
so interested in a picture in the farther end of the room, 
where she stood some time with her back turned toward her 
daughter and himself, humming quite audibly, ^^In the 
gloaming, oh, my darling,^’ and casting ever and anon 
little sheep’s-eye glances out of her bright, black orbs of 
vision to see if it would quite do to intrude. She con- 
cluded that it would when she heard ^^girls^ club’^ and 
^^next managers’ meeting.” 

As for Miss Mettle, she had not noticed what the 
rector said. It would not have made much difference if 
she had. She was an individual, as has been intimated, 
into whose composition no romance or sentimentality en- 
tered. She looked at the rector out of her steely-gray 
eyes, and she beheld a man. Society said you must marry 
men. She acquiesced. If society had commanded her to 
marry a bench she would have been just as well pleased. 
Society said you must marry men in as high a social scale 
as possible. In accordance with this mandate, if it could 
be done she was going to marry the rector; if not him, 'K. 
Eoundout Grout ; if not him, some one else. 

Mrs. Mettle was much disturbed that her daughter 
should start in on the subject of ^^irls’ clubs” when the 
rector was calling her ^'dear” and showing by that that he 
was ready to pursue more tender themes. Oh, if heaven 
had only been kind enough to give her a daughter with a 
little more tact, a little more sentiment, whom it would 
not have been quite such hard work to have married off! 
She would not have minded an ordinary amount of e^er- 


The Volunteer "Worker 


231 


tion for a certain length of time, but to labor as she bad 
labored for all these years, and then to be unrewarded — ^it 
was hard indeed ! 

^^Ray, dear, I guess the rector does not care to hear 
about ^girls’ clubs^ all the time. Suppose you tell him 
about the play we saw last evening,” Mrs. Mettle said, 
approaching her daughter as a little ruffled hen might 
have done, being distressed at the direction her one chicken 
was going and anxious to set it right. 

‘^Now, mummy, before giving such advice, it would have 
been eminently proper for you to have ascertained who 
started the subject of the girls’ clubs.’ For, as it was the 
rector himself, don’t you think it is rather a reflection on 
his choice of subjects ?” asked Ray, blandly. 

am sure, my dear. Rector Dunraven will not put any 
such construction on my remarks. He knows me better 
than to think I would do aught but honor him in word and 
deed,” explained Mrs. Mettle, blushing. 

^^Certainly, my dear madam, I understand you perfectly. 
You are, perhaps, at a loss to account for my very appar- 
ent interest in the ^girls’ club’ 

^^Hot at all, rector, not at all,” interrupted Mrs. Mettle. 
^TTou are a stockholder in the concern, if I may be allowed 
the expression, drawing interest” (what the rector longed 
to be doing, but alas!) ^^and it is natural you should feel 
interested. But, to change the subject, Ray, dear, tell the 
rector about the play we saw last evening.” 

The rector seconded this request, but Miss Mettle re- 
plied that she could not do the subject justice. 

The play evidently had not made the impression on her 
that it had on her mother. She had better do the telling. 

This was what Mrs. Mettle was only too willing to do, 
for she began without delay: 

'^Oh, it was such a 'pretty play ! Such a sweet play I 


232 Three Fair Philanthropists 

Such a sweet, pretty play !” she exclaimed, fervently clasp- 
ing her little fat hands over her breast, and rolling her eyes 
heavenward. '^Its name was ^Love’s Final Consumma- 
tion,’ ” and she made an impressive pause, as if the mere 
words might have a magic effect and bring about what 
she so devoutly longed for; but that construction was 
somewhat interfered with by her daughter’s saying coldly : 

^^Well, is that all you remember of it — just the title ?” 

She did not deign any reply but a sharp look and a sort 
of involuntary feeling around after her daughter’s toe to 
step on, failing in which she changed her seat so that she 
might accomplish this indispensable admonition if further 
occasion required, and continued: 

^^When the curtain rose there were the dearest little 
trees, and the,cunningest big mountains, and the cutest 
rocks, with lovely looking-glassy lakes, and, in the midst, 
a man — oh, such a natty looking man! — in a pea-green 
coat with yellow knee breeches and silver buckles on his 
shoes, and he was looking all around for his love. I could 
not help thinking how true that was of so many men! 
They spend so much of their lives looking around for 
their loves, you would almost think ” 

"Supposing you do not stop to moralize, mummy. There 
is not time,” interposed the daughter. 

"You interrupted me in the midst of a sentence, Ray, 
and that I cannot have. You would almost think they 
were blind, there are so many loves on every hand, and 
yet the men do not seem to have the goodness to see them. 
This man’s name in the play was Honorious Trevellyan, 
and time and again he would be on one side of a tree 
trunk and his love on the other, and he would be wailing 
out about how much he wanted to find her and could 
not.” 

"It is just as well he didn’t find her at those times,” in- 


The Volunteer Worker 


233 


terrupted Miss Mettle, ‘^for she looked like a fright, and 
the colors in her costume would have been very trying if 
placed too near his/’ 

you think love can be quenched by inharmonious 
colors. Miss Mettle?” asked the rector. 

^^Oh, certainly not, my dear rector,” interposed Mrs. 
Mettle before her daughter could answer, joy beaming 
from every feature. ^^My daughter has too much sense. 
It is the Koran, isn’t it, which says : ‘Many waters cannot 
quench love, neither can the floods drown it’ ? ” 

“Koran !” exclaimed her daughter, contemptuously, rec- 
ognizing her mother’s artful method of endeavoring to im- 
press the rector with the fact that she was widely read. 
“It seems to me that I should have quoted something be- 
sides the Bible to the rector and palmed it off for the 
Koran !” 

“You mean you would have quoted something besides 
Shakespeare, do you not ?” interposed the rector. “I think 
that quotation is taken from the mouth of Rosalind in the 
forest of Arden, as she is soliloquizing mournfully but elo- 
quently on her love for Orlando.” 

“There now, Ray ! You see how useless it is for you to 
set yourself up as authority. I think I meant Shake- 
speare instead of the Koran. There is a wonderful simi- 
larity between the two in my mind,” and the expression of 
ten little owls boiled down into one appeared on Mrs. Met- 
tle’s plump features. 

“The only similarity between the two that occurs to me,” 
remarked the daughter, undutifully, “is that you know as 
little about the one as you do about the other.” This she 
said while turning over the leaves of a Bible. Finally 
coming to the eighth chapter of Solomon’s Songs and the 
seventh verse, she handed it to her mother, with her finger 
at the place, saying : “There’s your quotation.” 


234 Three Fair Philanthropists 

“Is it possible!” exclaimed the rector, coughing in an 
embarrassed way. 

'‘Oh, never mind!’^ interposed Mrs. Mettle, '^it is very 
likely Eosy said the same thing, where you said, and even 
if she did not say it, it is more than likely she thought it, 
as I have a great many times, only I^m not such a chat- 
terbox as to say all I think wherever I happen to be.'^ 
Noticing that the rector’s face still wore traces of chagrin 
at his mistaken judgment in regard to the quotation, she 
added : 

"You can make it all right by preaching on that text. 
That will impress it so deeply on your mind that you will 
always remember where it is taken from.” 

"True, so I can,” replied the rector, reflectively, feeling 
around after the few stray hairs that composed his mus- 
tache. "It will not be my turn to preach from a text of 
Scripture for some time yet, as you have probably no- 
ticed my themes are chosen from various authors. You 
remember, if you were out last Sabbath, that I preached 
upon 'That Over-soul, that Unity within which every 
man’s particular being is contained and made one with all 
other,’ Emerson’s favorite topic. But if it would please 
you I will make an exception and preach from a Bible text 
— say a week from the coming Sabbath.” 

"Yes, indeed, that would be entirely satisfactory!” ex- 
claimed Mrs. Mettle, "and I will try to be present. I am 
greatly distressed that both my daughter and myself should 
have missed the discourse you mention. Unity ! unity ! Oh, 
what a rapturous theme! And put into practice by two 
loving hearts — what bliss! — what — ^what ” 

Further remark was interrupted at this juncture by a 
crash and a bang that brought the rector and his two 
companions to their feet with affright. The cause was 


The Volunteer Worker 


235 


found to be the upsetting of a tower of Babel, erected by 
the children while left to themselves. 

Mrs. Thatcher, in her desire to do her work up more 
thoroughly, so that the inspection of her volunteer work- 
ers should not find even ashes on the hearth or unfolded 
aprons, had been kept in another room. Lame Johnnie 
and Sally, a half-witted girl, were given the reins of gov- 
ernment. But Willie Crosby and Hans Ducklieber, with 
a few other restless spirits, were not inclined to respond to 
rulers and governors whose age and station were so nearly 
contemporaneous with their own. 

^^What you talkin’ about, Johnnie!” exclaimed Willie 
Crosby. ^^Mamma Thatch won’t care ! Ain’t the tower of 
Babel in the Bible, ’n course she’ll like us to make what’s 
in the Bible 1” 

So the wise counsel had been rejected, the chairs had 
been brought together to construct a modern tower. It had 
attained a goodly height, when Hans Ducklieber insisted: 

vill pe goings up vid de breecks und mortar myself. 
Why shall leetle Katies be sent, und she too leetle to do 
nottings ?” 

Hans had made the ascent once, and was mounting the 
second time, when he stumbled, slipped and caught at a 
chair, which proved to be brick and mortar of an exceed- 
ingly unstable and insecure variety. In consequence, he feU 
headlong, not on the outside of the round ring of chairs, 
but in the center, and drew a number down on top of him. 

Mrs. Mettle’s appearance on the scene of disaster was 
the signal for Lame Johnnie to disappear, which left Hans 
without the encouragement of his cheerful words. This 
caused the German to bellow louder than a brace of lusty 
bulls of Bashan. 

^^Stop your noise !” cried Mrs. Mettle, nervously, peering 
in at the boy with his close environment of chairs three 


236 Three Fair Philanthropists 

deep all round him. I could get hold of you I’d make 
you stop she muttered, crossly. 

In lieu of her inability to reach the German she shook 
several of the inoffending children within reach, making 
them increase the volume of sound instead of diminish- 
ing it. 

The rector removed the environment after handling a 
great many chairs, and Hans came out covered with bumps 
and bruises. 

^^How go to some one and let them wash and put you to 
bed,” cried Mrs. Mettle, ^^and the rest of you children, 
what are you crying for?” 

^Coz it’s not the loikes of us as enjiys bein’ shaked,” 
said Katie McGowey, between her sobs. 


Dismissed by Mr. Bowman 


237 


CHAPTER XXII. 

ME. EUJAH BOWMAN DISMISSES THE VOLUNTEEE WOEKEE. 

whom have you had here to help you to-day?’^ 
This question Mr. Elijah Bowman asked of Mrs. Thatcher. 
He had formed the habit of dropping in, only occasionally 
he thought, but since the help had been reduced and Mrs. 
Thatcher had been obliged to depend on volunteer work- 
ers, which made her burdens so much heavier, his calls 
hiid become so frequent as to occur nearly every day. And 
the strange part of it was, he never grumbled at having to 
call so frequently. Although he was a plain, quiet man, 
who enjoyed coming home from his business and after his 
evening meal putting on his slippers and dozing over his 
newspapers, still he changed these habits without a mur- 
mur. He was even heard to whistle on his way down- 
stairs out into the street. 

^^You donT mean to tell me you have had the same 
mother and daughter here who woke up all the babies and 
ihen left you to get them to sleep 

Mrs. Thatcher sighed in reply, and by the light which 
she had purposely turned down Mr. Bowman could dis- 
tinguish that her cheeks were very pale. 

^‘How, this thing has got to be stopped,^^ said Mr. Bow- 
man, emphatically. 

^^DonT say that !” replied Mrs. Thatcher, with trembling 
voice. could not bear it after all the years I have la- 
bored for its prosperity and when I Jcnow it is so much 
needed.^^ 


238 Three Fair Philanthropists 

“The volunteer worker I referred to, not the Mission,” 
replied Mr. Bowman. 

They both laughed at this, and she said : 

‘T do not want to be unkind, neither do I wish to cher- 
ish unkindness in my heart, but in my experience I must 
confess that the volunteer worker has been somewhat of a 
failure. I presume the fault has been mine, and ” 

^^Yes, I tldnk it has been yours, and I think the only 
kind of a person who could hope to make them a success 
would be some one with the capabilities of the old-time 
plantation slave overseer, with his long whip and loud 
voice, said Mr. Bowman. ‘Tor every volunteer worker 
with whom I have been associated never expected to do 
anything but direct and suggest and manage, and that 
without any previous knowledge of the subject in hand. 
It^s like having an army composed entirely of ignorant 
generals, each one busy in issuing orders and commands. 
Have you had any other calls to-day?” 

“Yes, I have, and a strange one, too,” answered Mrs. 
Thatcher. “I am glad you asked the question, for I shou? d 
have been sorry to have forgotten to tell you about it. A 
lady clad in garments of exquisite soft shades, her blonde 
hair surmounted by a dainty bonnet, with an odor from 
Araby’s isle around her and holding the hand of a beauti- 
ful boy, presented herself and asked for me. She said: 
‘Mrs. Thatcher, it has always been a fancy of mine that I 
should like to see some interesting poor families and ob- 
serve how they live. Occasionally, but only very occa- 
sionally, 5'^ou come across individuals in the upper part of 
the city who maintain a certain picturesqueness in their 
poverty. But that is not like seeing a family together. I 
thought it would be such a novel experience to go into 
homes where not only they were poor, but where they 
looked poor. Of course, I mean to give them something 


239 


Dismissed by Mr. Bowman 

for allowing me the gratification/ I thought several mo- 
ments, as I am used to having ladies come to me with ail 
sorts of absurd requests in regard to the poor; but the de- 
sire to obtain amusement by the sight of picturesque pov- 
erty was a call that had not been made upon me before/' 

^^By George ! if a man does not hear of queer and still 
queerer people every day he lives! Now, I will tell you 
who that sounds like — Silas Islip's wife," said Mr. Bow- 
man. 

‘^That is just exactly who it was," replied Mrs. Thatch- 
er, ^^and I wTote down the names of six very poor fam- 
ilies, gave Mrs. Islip in charge of a woman who had come 
to help me for a few hours, and sent the lady out to gain 
her desired gratification. In a much shorter time than T 
expected the two returned, and Mrs. Islip explained : 

^e did not go to all those families, because from the 
three we did visit I saw you had not grasped my meaning.’ 

‘But those were all very poor people,' I said. ‘The first 
family was that of a mother left a widow with seven chil- 
dren, and the eldest only twelve, and she keeps them alto- 
gether/ 

“‘Oh, yes, that may be/ laughed Mrs. Islip, brightly, 
‘but her room was just as clean as my kitchen, with 
the window panes so you could see through them, and the 
plates and pans set on the dresser just as evenly as though 
she had something to put on them occasionally.' 

“ ‘Well, how about the other homes ? That aged couple, 
the second on the list, often have only one meal a day, and 
that a bowl of oatmeal porridge that I send in at the end 
of our supper.' 

“‘But there was nothing “gaunt," “hollow-eyed" or 
“wolfish-looking" about them,' returned Mrs. Islip, mer- 
rily. ‘I took up the old lady’s hand on purpose to see if 
it was “skinny" and would remind me of a “bird's claw." 


240 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


But it did not in the least. It looked like an ordinarily 
wrinkled old lady’s hand. Moreover, I should never think 
of aiding or abetting a couple who seemed determined to 
impose on you the way that couple did.’ 

^^‘Why, how do you mean?’ I asked, looking startled. 

have always thought them thoroughly honest.’ 

^You need not tell me they are honest,’ returned Mrs. 
Islip, ^at all events, in this particular. They try to make 
out they are fond of each other, ha, ha, ha ! Yes, actually 
fond of each other !’ and Mrs. Islip gave way to a prolonged 
laughing fit. ‘Lived together for over fifty years, and 
fond of each other ! That’s all I want to know about them ! 
No such impostors as that need expect to receive any coun- 
tenance from me. And now, my good woman, if you can 
think of no other families where the kind of poverty exists 
which would be both interesting and picturesque I shall 
have to go home without accomplishing my desire.’ 

“A policeman standing in the hall overheard this last 
remark of Mrs. Islip’s, and, beckoning me aside, said that 
he knew a locality where existed a state of affairs which 
he thought would suit the lady exactly, and, if agreeable, 
he would conduct her thither, provided she would consent 
to leave her jewelry with me. Mrs. Islip was enthusiastic. 

“ ‘Oh, my good man,’ she said, ‘I will reward you gen- 
erously if I find I have not been mistaken in you.’ 

“Mrs. Islip left not only her jewels, but her grandson, 
who was taken to play with the day nurslings. Seeing a 
couple nearly his own size, he cried : 

“ ‘Oh, des sink (think) ! Now I can have two horses 
to drive!’ 

“And how he did drive them. After he was tired of 
that pastime he proceeded to marshal all the available 
material of the nursery, which consisted of toddlers and 
their older brothers and sisters, only omitting the infants. 


241 


Dismissed by Mr. Bowman 

into lines for a procession, and constituted himself com- 
mander-in-chief, drummer, bugler and standard-bearer — 
yes, and I might add, general chastiser — for if any of his 
troops lagged behind or asked to be allowed to do anything 
they were told they would have every bone in their body 
broken and were rapped beside. The nursery was in a 
grand uproar, and I was considering what was best to be 
done with the young disturber of the general peace, when 
the ringing of the bell announced the return of his grand- 
mother. In coming down the stairs I heard her saying to 
the policeman: 

^^^There, my good fellow, there is twenty-five dollars 
for the trouble you have been to and the pleasure you have 
afforded me. In all !N'ew York city you could not have 
shown me anything more to my mind. Ha, ha, ha ! Mrs. 
Thatcher, I do not wonder you look surprised. I presume 
my bonnet looks a little battered and my hair dishevelled, 
but, dear me, that’s nothing. I have seen what I have 
wanted to so long , — poor people who looTced poor! We 
went to a room where the walls were black with the filth of 
years. Twenty or twenty-five people live there altogether, 
and I should have said they were almost all in, betting 
and swearing over a party who were playing cards. When 
they saw the policeman some were inclined to slink away, 
and the policeman said afterward those were some of the 
most accomplished pickpockets in the world. The chil- 
dren — oh, ho ! ho ! ho ! — ^you should have seen the chil- 
dren! Any one of them would have done for an ana- 
tomical specimen in a medical college, only they would 
have to have had more clothing on. When one side of the 
card players won the other side looked so delightfully 
fierce and savage that I could not forbear throwing 
them a five-doUar gold piece, and then you would have 
laughed your sides sore (as I did) to see the scrambling 


242 Three Fair Philanthropists 

and scratching to get it. I was so sorry I only had twelve 
pieces to throw, for I could have stood there hours and 
watched them — snarling and acting like ravening wolves. 
But when I stopped throwing the money they began throw- 
ing things at me, and that is what is the matter with my 
bonnet and hair. They would not believe but I had more 
gold pieces about me, and if it had not been for the po- 
liceman I should probably have been torn to pieces. Ha, 
ha, ha ! Would not that have been a joke?’ ” 

^‘1 hope you assured her you thought it would have 
been altogether too good a joke to be true?” said Mr. Bow- 
man. 

^'Hush-sh-sh ! you don’t mean anything as bad as that,” 
said Mrs. Thatcher. 

''Don’t I though; don’t I? Such frivolous good-for- 
nothing women make me mean as bad as that and a good 
deal worse. I suppose she had saved something to give 
you for the Mission, though money from such a source 
carries little good with it !” exclaimed Mr. Bowman. 

"Just as she was putting the finishing touches to her 
bonnet and veil she stopped short and said : 'There ! how 
very careless of me ! I meant to have saved one of those 
gold pieces to give to you, but in my excitement I forgot 
and gave them all away ! Oh, well, they were all given to 
the poor. I have that virtuous reflection to console my- 
self withal,’ and she laughed as contentedly as though she 
were Florence Nightingale returning from viewing an 
hospital full of saved patients. Then she called, 'Son! 
Son !’ to summon her little grandchild. But he had been 
having such a fine time he had gone and hidden away, and 
she turned to leave, saying: 'Oh, well, you are a trust- 
worthy-looking body ; I shan’t mind if he stays here with 
you a while.’ ” 

"Did you ever hear such abominable presumption !” ex- 


243 


Dismissed by Mr. Bowman 

claimed Mr. Bowman, slapping his knee. hope you 
gave her a piece of your mind ! I wish Fd been here.” 

‘^No; I only said: ‘Wait a minute/ and I disappeared 
to institute a more thorough search, for I did think my 
present cares and responsibilities sufficient without add- 
ing to them. The result was, I discovered a peculiar va- 
riety of grocery in the storeroom closet — something done 
up in silk and velvet, with a bunch of beautiful curls at 
one end and at the other a pair of heels which began to 
move in a very lively manner when the bundle was taken 
up preparatory to its removal, while a voice said: ‘I shan’t 
go home wiz Mummer Islip ! I s’anT go home. S’e never 
lets me drive her; and Papa Grout, he hates (hurts) me 
jess awful ! I muss stay wiz Willie and Johnnie ^n so^s to 
march the nuss’y.’ ” 

“‘March the nuss’ry/ the little beggar! It doubtless 
would be better for him if he was made to march a straight 
line himself. I suppose the lad has a somewhat erratic 
bringing up, between his selfish, devil-may-care father, his 
mercenary grandfather and frivolous granddame,” com- 
mented Mr. Bowman. 

“Poor little fellow, I pity him 1” said Mrs. Thatcher. 

“Yes, he is to be pitied I” exclaimed Mr. Bowman, while 
his fingers began to beat a tattoo on the table by his side, 
showing that his mind was busily engaged with a subject 
foreign to the one he had been conversing upon. Finally 
he said : 

“It has got to be done ! You must have your two girls 
back again. And I have come to the conclusion to be re- 
sponsible for their wages as well as for notifying the vol- 
unteer worker that the valuable services she has been ren- 
dering down here will be required no longer. I shall take 
solid comfort in communicating to that effect with the 
Nevins and the Mettles, only I shall have to exercise great 


244 Three Fair Philanthropists 

control not to add that if I catch them here it will be 
worse for them than being caught in a powder maga- 
zine with a lighted fuse/^ 

^^Ah! but dear Mr. Bowman,” returned Mrs. Thatcher 
earnestly, ^Vith all the rest you are doing for us I am 
afraid this will be too much.” 

Mrs. Thatcher said this running down the hall after 
Mr. Bowman. 

^^Bah !” said that gentleman, stopping at the front door 
with the knob in his hand, ^^donT talk such foolishness as 
that to me! Don’t you suppose it is worth more to be 
called what you just called me than anything I have 
done or can do ?” and he drew the door together after him 
BO as not to allow any more thanks to be spoken. 


Subjects That Interest 


245 


CHAPTER XXIII. 

SUBJECTS THAT INTEEEST YOUNQ LADY MANAGERS. 

IT unreasonable, I ask?’^ Miss Denny, assuming a 
tragic air, demanded of some young ladies who were as- 
sisting her in the final touches for her first great enter- 
tainment after Mr. Grout’s three-thousand-dollar sub- 
scription. ^^Is it unreasonable or at all unwise,” she re- 
peated, ^^that people with benevolence in their hearts 
toward their fellow men should be furnished with the 
means to carry out their good intentions?” Nobody an- 
swering, she continued : 

^^It is not unreasonable nor unwise, and Eay Mettle 
may eschew my society if she pleases and Annie Hopper 
look glum and lowering. I am going to do what I think 
is right in the matter.” 

The evening for which so much preparation had been 
made proved a stormy one. The rain came down in tor- 
rents, the wind was blowing, and it was the kind of a 
night when every one who had a roof to cover them ought 
to have remained discreetly beneath it. But first and fore- 
most among the gay revellers was Biddy O’Monahan, re- 
splendent in her bright yellow satin gown ; at least it must 
have been resplendent when she left home, but the drip- 
pings from her black cotton umbrella had not improved 
it. That was a matter, however, which did not trouble 
Biddy, and she remarked to Maggie Flynn, who called 
her attention to the dark streaks: 

^Taith, thin, it is not me that cares fur the loikes of 
thet! Streaked, he’s it? Stripes wuz allers afther my 


246 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


stoile ! I’d rather it wnz thet way thin like yer gown — all 
limp and wet.” 

Maggie Flynn’s mother had made up the white-and- 
pink striped silk party dress which Miss Mettle had given 
her and bought some organdie for an over-dress, but she 
had been too poor to purchase an umbrella, and therefore 
Maggie looked as though the best place for her after being 
passed through a wringer was over a clothes-line. Maggie 
was not any more inclined to feel downcast than Biddy. 
She gave her organdie over-skirt a squeeze front and 
back, thereby making it look as though she had an uncon- 
ventional drapery of washrags. But although the water 
and mud was oozing from their shoes, they began to step 
around to see if they had lost any of their recently ac- 
quired knowledge of dancing and to tell where they were 
going to stand for the first quadrille, and, as both of 
them wanted the same place, they grew animated at once. 

Sounds of weeping soon attracted us, and the cause of 
these sounds appeared in a girl attired in a lavender gauze 
who had slipped midv/ay on a crossing, making the spec- 
tacle she presented one to draw pity and laughter from 
the bystanders. I took her to my room. There I found 
that with all the gauze and cheap silk and brass jewelry 
on the outside, her underclothes were in a lamentably de- 
ficient condition. Moreover, she was frightfully dirty, not 
only from the soil of the crossing, but from months of 
undisturbed accumulations. I thought a minute. Could 
I let such a dirty creature use my clean private bath? 
Yes, for the sake of the uplifting effect of cleanliness I 
would sacrifice my feelings, and I said: 

^^There, dear, now you may go into my tub and have a 
good wash.” 

^^Oh, no, Mrs. Winn,” the girl answered, ^T’m afraid 
I’d lose a dance.” 


Subjects That Interest 


247 


I took out my watch and assured her there was plenty 
of time and that I would see the dancing did not com- 
mence before she was ready. Moreover, I said: 

^^If you will take a bath I will furnish you with an en- 
tire set of underclothes, and give you a change to carry 
home.'’^ 

‘^I’m sure, dear Mrs. Winn, I’d like to oblige you, but 
really Fm afraid I’d catch cold.” 

^^Nonsense,” I replied. ‘^Bathing is the best preventive 
in the world against catching cold.” 

^^I wish I could be sure of that and I’d take it in a min- 
ute, but my little brother took a bath, and he died the 
next day,” replied the girl, working over her lavender 
gauze dress. 

^^WeU, your brother was probably sick when he took his 
bath,” I persisted. 

^^Yes, he had newmony (pneumonia), and mother heard 
bathing was good, and she held him under the faucet, and 
— and — he died.” , 

‘^Well, you are not sick, so you need not be afraid, and 
I will give you a quarter if you will do as I want to have 
you.” 

Still the girl hesitated. But I was determined that she 
should not leave my room in the dreadful state in which 
she was, so I increased my money inducements till I 
reached two dollars, then two and a half. At this poin^t 
she said: 

^'Keally, dear Mrs. Winn, you are so anxious that I 
guess I will take my life in my hand and do as you want 
to have me. You wouldn’t mind giving me the under- 
clothes, too, would you ?” 

'^Oh, no,” I replied, ^‘I meant to give them to you, and 
I will spend the two dollars and a half for stockings and 
flannel petticoats. You will have a nice outfit.” 


248 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


The girl gave a little good-natured scream. 

no, Mrs. Winn, I could not afford to spend so 
much for underclothes. If you give me two sets that will 
be more than I\e had for years ; and I must use that two 
dollars and a half for a lace jacket — real thread, you know. 
I need it so much. When I take off my winter coat I 
have nothing for spring and summer wear.” 

I drew a long, discouraged sigh as the girl kept up her 
silly prattle. I wished fervently that I had not had on 
my best clothes. I would have enjoyed scrubbing her 
down better than doing anything else I could think of. I 
felt confident if I left her to take the ablution alone it 
would be only half done, so I called Mary Hogan, a big, 
stout woman who swept and cleaned every week. It needed 
only a few words to rouse ' in this good woman’s dirt- 
abhorring soul a desire as fierce as my own to get hold of 
that girl and see that she was thoroughly washed for once 
in her life. I shut the two in the bathroom, and after 
sounds of splashings and squealings and scrubbings and 
gruntings in Mary Hogan’s lowest bass, sometimes in token 
of despair and anon of satisfaction, they issued forth, the 
girl shining like a new sixpence and Mary triumphant, 
saying: 

^^Shure, faith ! I thought onct it could never be did ! 
But it’s meesilf as is the best hand at scrubbin’ ary one 
could get, if I do say it, who shouldn’t ! Only, next time. 
I’ll be afther remimberin’ to hegin with sandsoap instid 
of waiting to see if t’other kind would do fust.” 

At the conclusion of the bath, when Clementine Flutter 
and I came out together, we found a great many of the 
young lady managers had arrived, as well as a great many 
of the girls. I had noticed a similarity between the two 
in this respect. There were sure to be more present the 
evenings when it was known that refreshments were to be 


Subjects That Interest 


249 


served. They reminded me of the class of persons Cato 
describes, ‘Vhose palates have quicker sensations than 
their hearts.” 

The young lady managers were present in full evening 
dress of every degree of magnificence, and they stood 
around in small groups talking together. Other evenings, 
when at the opera, theatre, concert or party, it would be 
their custom to notice each other’s dresses or the costumes 
of Mesdames X., Y. and Z. as they entered. They would 
also be very sharp to comment on the fact that Mrs. Dr. 
Snooks came with a gentleman not her husband, and hard 
upon this comment one of them might piously hope it was 
not a sign that a coldness was springing up between hus- 
band and wife, which would result in a scandal. And this 
pious hope would be repeated as an incontrovertible and es- 
tablished fact by another a little later in the evening. Dear 
reader, has it ever happened to be your fortune to sit near 
any of these gay fashionables at an evening’s entertain- 
ment? If so, I am sure you must remember with what 
rapture you listened to their discourse on the impropriety 
of Mrs. Jupiter Jumpup’s wearing stripes going the 
wrong way of the cloth ! How you shuddered at the 
thought that you might have committed this heinous sin 
if your attention had not been called to this same Mrs. 
Jupiter Jumpup, who, by the way, sitting in a tier of 
boxes but little removed from you, added greatly to your 
disturbed state of mind by revealing the fact that she made 
the stripes go in so many different ways in her costume 
that you could not detect v/hich way the right or the wrong 
was. Then, can you not recollect how you have been 
thrilled by the discussion of Mrs. Leander Noodle’s age? 
One will say: 

‘^She gives it out that she is thirty-five.” 


250 Three Fair Philanthropists 

^^Bah! she is past forty if she is a day,” a second will 
add. 

‘Torty ! why, she looks fifty to me !” exclaims a third. 

^^But she cannot be that age,” remarks number one, “be- 
cause my oldest sister was in her set.” 

“Well, what is your sister’s age?” inquires number two. 

“She was thirty-two last March,” promptly replies num- 
ber one. 

“Thirty-two, do you say ?” inquires number three ; “well, 
then she has been growing younger for the past five years, 
for at that time she and my husband were thirty-seven 
within a few days of each other.” 

At this Juncture number one nearly chokes with rage 
and calls number three an “impertinent huzzy,” and talks 
so loud and makes such a disturbance that the long-suffer- 
ing public, who are not “gay fashionables,” and who, there- 
fore, have good breeding and manners sufficient to abstain 
from talking from beginning to end of an entertainment — 
this long-suffering public, upon whom the “gay fashion- 
ables” look down with ineffable scorn, probably for one 
reason that they are so long suffering — finally asserts it- 
self in a hiss which enables it to distinguish between what 
comes from the stage and what comes from the surround- 
ing “gay fashionables,” though if you think that any hu- 
man agency could devise a plan whereby the “gay fash- 
ionables” could be induced even for one evening to forego 
its tendency to emulate the chattering magpie, it shows 
what a good, clever person you are, and how charitably in- 
clined. 

But on this evening the young lady managers standing 
around in groups did not have Mrs. Jupiter Jumpup or 
Mrs. Leander Noodle to discuss, so perforce they were 
obliged to attempt subjects nearer home, and they found 
them right to their mind in the girls’ costumes. 


Subjects That Interest 


251 


‘^Here, you called Miss Mettle to Maggie Flynn, ‘^how 
does it happen that you\e made up that gown I gave you 
so that it looks so dowdy 

^^Dowdy ? Dowdy ? My dress dowdy exclaimed Mag- 
gie Flynn. Her bright black eyes clouded for a moment. 
“Shure, yees must be mistaken. Ma sid it wuz nate, but 
not gorgeous. I got it a leetle meyst (moist) on the way 
here through the rain a-fallin’ on’t.’^ 

should say you had got it a little moist replied Miss 
Mettle. ^^And then you wrung it out like a towel. You 
ought to know better than that.^^ 

^'So I told her,^’ broke in Biddy O’Monahan, overjoyed 
at an opportunity of finding fault with her rival. 

^^Oh, you did, eh ?” replied Miss Mettle, giving Biddy a 
frigid stare, ^^and who may you be ?” 

^Tlease, ma’am, my name is Biddy O’Monahan.” 

^^Well, Biddy, who gave you your gown?” asked Miss 
Mettle with critical condescension. 

^Tlease, ma’am, it wuzn’t guv; it wuz buyed,” turning 
round with great pride to display all its beauties. 

^^Well, Biddy, there’s a rip in the back to begin with,” 
returned Miss Mettle. 

^^And you want to tell your mother that the color is not 
bright enough,” broke in Miss Denny, looking around and 
winking at some of the young lady managers, who there- 
upon snickered audibly. 

‘Tlease, ma’am, ’twuz the brightest she could git, and 
she wud have bin afther a-havin’ of it brighter like, ef she 
cud.” 

^^Do you remember my lavender gauze, girls?” asked 
Miss Bounds, as she caught sight of Clementine Flutter. 
^^Here it is,” and she took hold of Clementine by the 
shoulder and whirled her around as though she had been 
a dummy. ^^There; do you see that spot? It don’t show 


252 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


much. There’s where Tom Morgan spilt a cup of coffee 
on me. And there’s a little tear around on the other side,” 
and Clementine was twisted around forthwith. “That’s 
where I caught the dress on a rose bush in Mrs. Norcross’s 
conservatory when Tom proposed to me.” 

“Well, I must say it’s discouraging !” exclaimed another 
of the managers. “I never would have supposed any dress 
of mine would have met such a dreadful fate ! J ust see 
that blue dress that girl has on over by the piano ! She’s 
gone and trimmed it with the brightest, most screeching 
purple !” 

She referred to Lena Deckenbachschmitt, who had on 
a broad, complaisant smile as she looked around and 
bobbed and curtsied to every one. 

There seemed to be deep enjoyment to the managers in 
these critical observations and comments on their cast-off 
finery. Undoubtedly they were moved by the reflection 
that only when there was magnanimous benevolence such 
as theirs could there be equal satisfaction. 

“Hullo ! this girl has snapping black eyes, hasn’t she ?” 
and one of the managers touched Adele Veaux on the 
shoulder and turned up her chin to look at her orbs of 
vision, very much as though she were a dog to be pur- 
chased. Instantly the clouds of discontent that had been 
gathering on Adele’s brow, through fear that she was to be 
overlooked, vanished. She was radiant with smiles. 

“Oh, ze mademoiselle ze is too good to ze pauvre Adele,” 
she murmured. 

“That bow of ribbon doesn’t stand up high enough on 
your head, girl,” returned the manager. 

“Non?” asked Adele, eagerly. “Zen I conducts it off 
so!” and the French girl in her haste to remove the rib- 
bon, unloosened her hair. Without the French girl’s see- 
ing her the manager picked up her hairpins and said : 


Subjects That Interest 253 

^^Hurry and put your hair up or Miss Mettle will not 
like it 

Miss Mettle added to the girPs confusion by calling 
out: 

^‘Adele, I am astonished at you 

^^Oh, ze pauvre fille V* exclaimed Adele, looking around 
and around after the missing hairpins, which the manager 
thought was such a good joke to secrete that she let sev- 
eral of her friends see how witty she could be. 

Urged on by this little pleasantry, the malt-broker’s 
daughter, Leonora Bullwinkle, thought she discovered in 
the dark-browed Mary Sharkey subject matter for further 
jest. Leonora was not a handsome girl. She represented 
too many generations of livers soaked in lager beer for 
that. And however much this beverage may improve the 
health and increase the strength, as its friends insist, they 
cannot claim for it any enhancement of personal charms 
nor any sharpening of the intellectual faculties. Leonora 
was a notable illustration in point. She had a decidedly 
barrel-like figure, in spite of all her efforts to remove the 
likeness. Her head was set on her shoulders by means of 
a neck which would be proof against the fiercest wind that 
might attempt to blow them asunder. She had one too 
many chins, and her eyes had a cast in them which caused 
one to look away from the other — ^wall-eyed, some people 
called her. This did not show as much when her eyes 
were in any other position than raised heavenward, but as 
this was a favorite direction for her to gaze she made the 
defect very apparent. She had an abundance of long, 
coarse red hair, of which she was very proud, and to its 
arrangement she gave a great deal of time and thought. 
Usually she appeared with it braided like a coronet over 
her low, receding forehead and a glittering star of dia- 
monds or other ornaments that shook and quivered in the 


254 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


sunlight fastened in front. She delighted in a tragic air — 
in a princess-in-disguise manner — which was somewhat in- 
terfered with by a thickness of speech ordinarily asso- 
ciated with the inebriate. 

She advanced toward Mary Sharkey, which W'as of itself 
sufficient proof of her lack of perceptive power, for one 
glance at Mary would have convinced most people that 
she was not a person to be trifled with, but Leonora, unable 
to distinguish between the weak toady, Adele Veaux, and 
the dark-browed girl before her, said with what was in- 
tended to be an impressive gesture: 

‘^And you, too, need to find some other way of arrang- 
ing your hair.” 

Mary’s reply was to mimic in an exaggerated manner 
Miss Bullwinkle’s gesture and thick utterance, as she said : 

^^And you, too, need to find some other person to show 
off before.” 

Miss Bullwinkle grew very red, and her utterance still 
more thick under the laughter excited by Mary’s reply. 

never heard such impudence ! I don’t see what there 
is in it to laugh at !” 

^^You don’t !” replied Mary, still imitating Miss Bull- 
winkle. ^^Well, all you want to do to get something to 
laugh at is to get before a looking-glass, and then you’d 
jest double over at yourself, as I am at you,” and Mary pro- 
ceeded to reel around like a person exploding with mirth. 

won’t have it !” exclaimed Miss Bullwinkle, passion- 
ately; won’t be insulted in such a public manner with- 
out finding some means of redress! I shall have the po- 
lice take that girl out of here !” 

She said this latter to some of the managers, who re- 
plied in a whispered aside: 

^'Oh, mercy! don’t say anything to the police! That 
girl has the right side of them in some way, and if you 


Subjects That Interest 


255 


complain of her we shall all be ordered off to Delmonico^s 
again. Yon shouldn’t have tackled her in the first place.” 

like that !” exclaimed Miss Bullwinkle, ^ffilaming me 
for her impudence, when I was only trying to improve her 
personal appearance. You are a bad, wicked girl !” turn- 
ing to Mary. ^^You deserve a good beating; and you only 
get part of your deserts when I give you this,” referring 
to a sound box that she would have administered to Mary’s 
ear had that ear not been removed too quickly. 

“There’s my return thanks !” exclaimed Mary, giving a 
resounding slap on Leonora Bullwinkle’s fat, bare neck 
and jerking a bow with long ends from the back of her 
dress and brandishing it around her head. 

“Come on, now, yous that’s after wanting to rearrange 
my hair, or alter the gathers in my gown, or give me p’ints 
on colors, or tell what all’s happened to the gown you guv 
me. Now’s your chance ! Come on ! Step right up here !” 
she continued, waving the ribbons and advancing toward 
Leonora Bullwinkle, who retreated step by step and looked 
as though she was choking with rage. 

“Don’t all speak t’ onct !” added Mary, as a solemn still- 
ness seemed to be taking the place of the invited criticism. 

“Ha, ha, ha !” came from Mrs. Islip, entering the room 
at this moment. “The test scenes are not to be had at the 
theatres by any means, are they ?” 


256 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


CHAPTEB XXIV. 

A BABE LECTUBB. 

Besides tke difficulties already considered, our three 
fair friends had others for whose solution they were obliged 
to use all the ingenuity and sagacity at their command. 

For instance, the morning Miss Mettle appeared at the 
club after her temporary absence as volunteer worker and 
found Miss Hopper pacing back and forth excitedly before 
Miss Denny. The light and airy demeanor of the latter 
was considerably subdued, and she was gloomily partaking 
of a bag of peanuts and scattering the shells anywhere 
and everywhere she happened to move, in order, doubtless, 
to provide me (Mrs. Winn) with something to do. 

From my room I had been hearing the conversation be- 
tween the two, previous to Miss Mettle’s entrance. It had 
consisted for some time of a monologue by Miss Hopper, 
who was rehearsing the various incidents in connection 
with the gift of three thousand dollars (with which the 
reader is already familiar), and had continued uninter- 
ruptedly until she made the statement : 

‘^And now, after misapplying that money, you have given 
one entertainment, and have enough funds left for a few 
more, but nothing else to show for it \” 

"Nothing else to show for it, indeed, Annie Hopper!” 
Miss Denny replied. ^W^at else do I want? I guess if 
you could have had as successful an entertainment to show 
for all your rewards of merit cards, chromos, lectures, reci- 
tations and things you’d be glad. Don’t you think it is 


A Rare Lecture 


257 


Bomething to be able to say you’ve had the best music in 
the city, all the flowers you wanted, and a supper the lord 
high chancellor of England need not be ashamed to sit 
down to ? Another thing I want to ask you is, how are we 
to be benevolent and perform deeds of charity and try and 
elevate the masses without money ? We must have money 
and plenty of it. I have heard money called a lever — now 
you cannot take a toothpick as a lever to move a mountain 
and expect to have any good results.” 

^That may be; but we must get our money in the right 
way. Not when a man gives us money for one thing to 
apply it to something else,” said Miss Hopper. 

^^You need not preach to me, Annie Hopper !” exclaimed 
Miss Denny. am as good a flnancier as you any day, 
besides being a great deal more popular !” 

^'Bah! popular! Who wants to be popular?” returned 
Miss Hopper. ^^Any circus clown can be that I And look 
at your popularity ; what it brings about !” 

^Ht may not be due to that that we have not been in- 
vited to Mrs. Islip’s ball. Our invitations may come yet,” 
said Miss Denny, though the tone in which she made the 
remark was not as hopeful as her words might imply. 

^^Well, Belle Bounds showed me her invitation several 
days ago,” returned Miss Hopper, ^^and the time is draw- 
ing on very close.” 

‘H wonder if Bay Mettle has received hers!” said Miss 
Denny, solemnly. 

The door opening at that moment to admit the person 
just mentioned, the question was put to her. Miss Mettle, 
however, shook her head in a decided negative, while she 
added : 

^^Leonora Bullwinkle has been invited, and she almost 
cried with joy when she showed me her invitation as well 
as when she learned I had not received any.” 


258 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


^'Why did you let her know?’’ asked both Miss Hopper 
and Miss Denny in the same breath. 

^^It came out before I thought,” returned Miss Mettle. 

^^Now, you see what you’ve done, Grace Denny ! I 

am but Miss Hopper could not finish. Her emotions 

overcame her and she sobbed aloud. 

An hour of solemn deliberation followed. One plan 
after another was suggested, deliberated upon and aban- 
doned, but there stood the twin nightmares of Miss Bounds’ 
and Leonora Bullwinkle’s invitations to urge them on to 
fresh effort. 

^Gt would not be so bad to think of Belle Bounds’s going 
when we did not !” exclaimed Miss Hopper, ^^because she’s 
in our set, but to think of any one helow us going, like 
Leonora Bullwinkle — that is insupportable !” and she 
wrung her hands as she paced. 

“I’ve thought of a plan!” exclaimed Miss Mettle at 
length. The three fair philanthropists drew close together, 
and Miss Denny and Miss Hopper almost held their breath 
in their eagerness to hear. 

“We will ask Mrs. Islip to deliver a lecture to our girls’ 
club !” 

“Oh, that is a splendid idea !” exclaimed Miss Denny. 

“Let us have her to-night,” said Miss Hopper. 

^^With no one here to listen, when she would be more 
angry at us than she is now ! Ho, no ! We must lay our 
plans carefully. I will see her to-day and arrange the 
day, hour and other matters ; then we will be sure and have 
an enthusiastic audience on hand. She will be in fine 
humor and say something about her approaching ball, 
when we can refer to our having no invitations, and all 
will be made right.” 

The following day Miss Mettle called to me: 

'Tdrs. Winn, next week, Tuesday, at eight o’clock, I want 


A Rare Lecture 


259 


these rooms filled with girls, and they must be instructed 
to clap their hands and cry (not too loud, but with an 
English accent) ‘Hear! Hear! Bravo! Bravo!’ when- 
ever the speaker makes a pause.” 

“I will do my best, but when I tell them it’s a lecture, 
you know. Miss Mettle, they cannot be depended on to 
turn out.” 

“Yes, that is so,” returned Miss Mettle, pausing a while 
to think what was best to be done. “I tell you, Mrs. 
Winn, what you may do. You may tell them that every 
girl who comes and does as she is told will receive a hand- 
some silver filagree hairpin. I will send up a sample for 
you to take around to show.” 

“I will do as you say. Miss Mettle, but and I hesi- 

tated. 

“But what, Mrs. Winn?” 

“There is sickness in many of the houses I shall have 
to visit. I have been ashamed to go among them for weeks 
past without taking something to the sick ones.” 

“Well, there is a quarter. Buy some oranges and grapes 
for all that need them,” and Miss Mettle left me, medi- 
tating in my usual vein. 

Late Tuesday afternoon Mrs. Islip was engaged with 
her hairdresser, who was only employed for special occa- 
sions. Her fair hair was down over her shoulders and her 
slippered feet comfortably placed on a foot-rest, when she 
started up suddenly and called: 

“Roundout ! Roundout ! Are you in the next room ?” 

“ ’Ess, I is,” returned the boy. 

“Please bring Mummer Islip the morning paper.” 

The lad appeared with the sheet and noticing the pres- 
ence of the hairdresser, which was the signal that his 
grandmother was going somewhere, he said: 

“Are you going to the nussry? Oh, take me. Mummer 


260 Three Fair Philanthropists 

Islip; do take me. I want to drive lame Johnnie and 
Willie.” 

Mrs. Islip laughed and kissed the importunate pleader 
while she said : 

child, I am not going to the nursery. But perhaps 
I will take you with me if you will be good. Mummer 
Islip is going to ascend the rostrum this evening.” 

‘^Is that somesing good to eat, Mummer Islip?” 

^^Hardly, my boy ; it means that I am going to lecture.” 

^^Not as 00 do Papa Grout and Grandpapa Islip V me 
sometimes ?” 

'^Not exactly; more as I talk to the ladies who come to 
call.” 

‘^Ess, I knows; n’en oo’ll say to ^em to-night, ^^How d’ 
do ? 00 is lookin’ booful,’ but if oo was goin’ to lecture me 

00 ud say, ^Eoundout, go brush your hair; oo is a fright;’ 
’n’ I might be better lookin’ ’n’ the uzzers.” 

^^Oh, you little rogue, go along and leave me to read 
the paper undisturbed. I do not know yet what subject 

1 am to talk upon. I told them it did not make any differ- 
ence; they might put down what they chose. Oh see!” 
(this to her hairdresser) ^^nearly a column devoted to the 
affair.” (Looking suddenly in the glass), "Madam 
Capotover, you are not putting up my hair au royale T* 
(referring to the most elaborate style of hair architec- 
ture of which her tonsorial artiste was mistress.) 

do you wish it that way ? I did not know the oc- 
casion called for so much dress, and it takes nearly two 
hours.” 

"Never mind, if I looTc imposing and majestic it won’t 
make any difference what I say. After I find out what 
subject they have put me down for I will close my eyes and 
think up some stories” (reading half aloud) : 

" ‘This club seeks by every means in its power to tone. 


A Rare Lecture 


261 


refine, cultivate, uplift and elevate its members. It gives 
them — and so on, and so on,’ oh dear! what a list of 
things, but where is the subject that they expect me to talk 
on. (Not that it makes much difference, only I think 
it better form to mention it.) Oh, yes, here it is: 
‘Numerous eloquent speakers have from time to time 
given their talents {given! I should say so. I never knew 
those young ladies to pay for anything they could get by 
begging, borrowing or stealing) in this noble, philan- 
thropic undertaking, and this evening a highly interest- 
ing, instructive, uplifting and exhaustive discourse will 
be given by that model of public speakers (there. Madam 
Capotover, see how necessary it is that my hair should be 
done up in the grandest possible manner?), Mrs. Silas 
Islip, who is not only proficient in this line but is also 
without peer as a hostess (dear me, that sounds as though 
some one had been omitted in the invitations to my ball). 
Her subject will be (just listen. Madam Capotover) 
Women Financiers Nascitur Non Fit!''' 

The reader must be told in an aside that upon Annie 
Hopper had devolved the duty of selecting a subject for 
Mrs. Islip. Miss Hopper’s acquaintance with the Latin 
tongue being limited to her ability to repeat that well- 
worn commonplace ^^Poeta mascitur non fit," (Poets are 
born not made) — and she, being extremely fond of this 
sentiment, determined to modernize and render it par- 
tially original as well as to emphasize Miss Denny’s de- 
fects in the manner above stated without regard to the 
number of the verb. 

“Madam Capotover, do you think you are getting those 
puffs on the left of my head up high enough?” 

“I can put them a leetle higher if you say so,” replied 
the woman good humoredly. “How favored them gals 


262 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


will be to hear you speak on such a subject. Jest say it 
agen please.^’ 

'‘Woman Financiers Nascitur Non Fit/' 

"I have heered the fust two words before/’ returned the 
woman, "but the rest is Scandinavian, ain’t it?” 

"It may be,” returned Mrs. Islip thoughtfully, holding 
her chin between her thumb and forefinger and for a brief 
space omitting to suggest and direct in the arrangement 
of her hair. At length she said, smiling brightly: "I 
think rather it is a typographical error and it should read 
'women financiers, like nasturtiums, should not fight.’ ” 

"Oh, Mrs. Islip, ma’am, how clever you be! Now I 
never ’ud have thought of its being a mistake. But of 
course, young gals ’ud be jest the ones to like to hear of 
flowers and sech.” 

Mrs. Islip shook her head and shrugged her shoulders. 

"I don’t think much of the subject and I should like 
to know who selected it. But never mind, the subject is 
not of as much importance as the speaker, and seeing I 
am to act in that capacity I must hasten my preparations.” 

"Oh, Mrs. Islip, ma’am,” exclaimed Madam Capotover^ 
her voice quivering and her hands trembling with pleasur- 
able excitement, "how lovely it ’ud be seeing as how you 
are going to talk on nasturtions to have you dressed like 
one!” 

"Why, I don’t know but you are right, Madam Capot- 
over, though yellow is not the most becoming color I wear.” 

"But I could arrange it so as only the green of the 
leaves should be near your face, Mrs. Islip, ma’am.” 

"Very well, I will call my maid and she shall help you.” 

At eight o’clock every available seat in the long beauti- 
fully furnished club rooms was filled with expectant 
girls, among them being a number with short hair! 

Biddy O’ Monahan was one, and when Maggie Flynn 


A Rare Lecture 


263 


laughed at her for coming out to get a hairpin she could 
not use, Biddy replied : 

^^Bedad, thin, it’s mesilf as ’ull be afther usin’ it for an 
ornamint to the crrown I am makin’ me for Miss Dinny’s 
next hall.” 

Miss Mettle introduced the speaker of the evening and 
at the close of her remarks there moved into the center 
of the stage, as it were, a huge bunch from last season’s 
nasturtium vines, the whole surmounted by Mrs. Islip’s 
smiling, airy countenance. 

The work of her enthusiastic hairdresser, assisted by her 
maid, had been brought to a successful perfection by sug- 
gestions from Mrs. Islip’s landscape gardener, who had 
called opportunely on a matter relative to her country 
seat and had had his services impressed into deciding at 
what angle the leaves and tendrils looked best that were 
to ornament her shaded yellow robe. Each elbow sleeve 
was arranged to represent a huge nasturtium, and by the 
aid of the man of science the perfection of her toilette 
was such that she would have looked equally well on a 
lawn or on a lecture platform. 

She stood there a moment enjoying the sensation her 
first appearance caused, which emotion was expressed in 
expirations and inspirations of different degrees of power. 
Clementine Flutter, sitting on the front rov/s of seats, ex- 
claimed, clasping her hands : 

^‘^How perfectly lovely! did you ever see anything go 
ahead of them sleeves? How he they made?” 

As if to help her fathom the mystery, Mrs. Islip at this 
juncture kissed her hand to the right and said, ‘^Ladies,” 
then kissed her hand to the front and said, ^AVomen,” 
and, performing the same gesture to the left, said: 

^^Girls, I come before you this evening by request, to 
talk on a subject chosen by one of the august founders of 


264 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


this important philanthropic undertaking. (Many pairs 
of eyes were turned toward Miss Annie Hopper at this 
allusion.) It is a subject which I will leave to your dis- 
cretion, to decide upon its merit, its appropriateness, its 
wisdom, its humanitarianism, its profound catholicity. 
(Miss Hopper’s countenance was radiant with gratified 
ambition.) In short, ladies, women, girls, (between each 
name Mrs. Islip kissed her hand as before), I am here to 
talk to you on the subject of ^Woman Financiers,’ (Miss 
Hopper listened breathlessly to hear her precious Latin 
phrase, but instead she heard), fiike Nasturtiums, should 
not Fight.’ ” 

It was fortunate that the girls had been instructed to 
cry ^^hear, hear,” and ^fi)ravo, bravo,” for otherwise the im- 
pressive pause Mrs. Islip made after announcing her sub- 
ject would have been disturbed by Miss Hopper’s ravings. 
As it was, her exclamations: ^^What a shameful perver- 
sion! I can’t stand it to have everybody think I would 
get up such a stupid subject! I must stop her!” were 
drowned by the cries above mentioned. There was also 
a little further distraction caused by Clementine Flutter, 
who in her anxiety to discover how the under part of the 
sleeves which had so attracted her were constructed had 
leaned over too far, lost her balance and fallen on to the 
floor. But she picked herself up and took her seat as Mrs. 
Islip resumed : 

‘^Women financiers, my friends, are to my mind, some- 
what of a delusion and a snare ; because it is so rarely you 
come across a woman that knows anything more about 
finances, than it takes to know how to run in debt. The 
most of them can run in that direction fast enough 
(noticing uneasy movements on the part of the three 
fair philanthropists) ; not that I mean anything per- 


A Rare Lecture 265 

sonal; those are merely my observations on womankind 
in general/^ 

Mrs. Islip pausing here to refresh her weary throat by 
a drink of cold water, her audience filled the interim by 
animated and enthusiastic cries of ^fiiear! hear!” and 
^fi)ravo ! bravo 1” 

^^As to their not fighting like the nasturtiums, not be- 
ing a scientific botanist, I cannot say positively what the 
habits of those blossoms are; but I know the tendency of 
all womankind when associated together is such that the 
prohibition contained in our text is rarely followed, al- 
though it should be. Every one present will bear me out 
in the statement, as your leader has expressed it, that 
women financiers and (I would add) women what not, 
like nasturtiums should not fight.” 

Miss Hopper was with difficulty restrained from arising 
at this point and refuting point blank the ignominious 
charge of being the originator of the above peculiar senti- 
ment, but Miss Denny got on one side of her and Miss 
Mettle on the other and they pictured the dark night of 
despair into which they would be all plunged if Mrs. Islip 
were offended, and thus succeeded in calming her down. 
Unconscious of the disturbance she was causing, Mrs. Islip 
proceeded, a thoroughly satisfied expression beaming upon 
her countenance, which was further emphasized by the nod- 
ding buds, blossoms and foliage of the nasturtium vines 
with which she was decorated. 

^^Speaking of fighting, I am reminded of an experience 
I had in London. It was the night of Her Majesty^s recep- 
tion. I had been several times before, but I was anxious 
to go upon the night in question, because I was to give 
a reception myself, and in order to have such affairs suc- 
cessful you have to appear in the best circles. Before 
it came my turn to go in, there were two ladies, each of 


266 Three Fair Philanthropists 

whom claimed the right to be presented first. They be- 
gan their dispute by words. But soon their words grew 
so inflammable that they fell upon each other and had to 
be taken out by the attendants, and in consequence I 
was introduced before two ladies of high rank and station. 
If ever my biography is written I shall have the circum- 
stance minutely detailed, a description of my dress, the 
dresses of Lady Twirlingame and Lady Muckworthey, 
and how they looked trying to snatch the feathers from 
each other’s hair, while I was just as calm and placid as 
I am this moment.” 

Mrs. Islip looked around her audience, smiling her arti- 
ficial smile and enjoying the sensation her words aroused, 
which was expressed in prolonged ^^hear, hears,” and 
^^bravo, bravos.” Then she continued : 

^^You will observe how neatly my story illustrates the 
subject we are considering, ladies, women, girls (given 
with the same waving of the hand as at first), namely, 
^Women Financiers like the Nasturtium should not 
fight.’ ” 

The rage produced by the red rag before a bull was 
nothing in comparison to Miss Hopper’s exasperation 
whenever her mutilated subject was repeated. Her com- 
panions urged her to leave the place, but she would not. 
She chose rather to stay and writhe and squirm with her 
lacerated feelings expressing herself at times by sundry 
snorts and sniffs. 

^Tf I had fought,” continued Mrs. Islip, enlivening her 
remarks by her hollow little laugh, ^fiike those ladies I 
should never have been able to have had it said of me that 
I entered the presence of her majesty before the nobility ! 
Hence my advice to you this evening is — do not fight like 
the nasturtium nor any other plant or animal you know 
of or may hear about in the years to come. And that 


A Rare Lecture 


267 


makes me think of the winter I spent in Washington; I 
mean the capital of our country, not Washington, Con- 
necticut, or any of those other numerous little two-cent 
hamlets, consisting of a gristmill and a blacksmith shop, 
by the same name.” (This remark was caused by the 
lecturer perceiving several of the girls looking at each 
other and nodding as much as to say, ^T’ve been there.”) 
^Tt was a severe winter, so much so that the florists were 
taken unawares and a great many greenhouses were frozen 
out. The consequence was, flowers were extraordinarily 
high in price. In fact there were days when you could 
not get anything but nasturtiums. I remember I was 
to attend a grand affair at the President’s one evening 
and I had ordered my favorite rose. Instead, the florist 
sent me quantities of nasturtiums. I was greatly an- 
noyed, for the odor of the blossom is offensive to me. 
But there was no help for it. I arranged them in the back 
of my hair and as far away from my nose as possible 
and I had more compliments on my personal appearance 
that evening than usual. I never shall forget with what 
abandon of delight the chief justice regarded me while 
he said: ^What flower could compare with you!’ and the 
minister of foreign affairs with his hand over his heart 
exclaimed : ^Madam, I have seen foreign beauties, but you 
defy description.’ I could tell they all meant what they 
said, too, which is a great deal. Therefore, friends, you 
will all admit that Women Financiers 

Mrs. Islip was interrupted by a card from Miss Mettle 
on which was written: 

^Tlease omit repeating the subject. A case of mental 
disorder has arisen and the sound of the words composing 
the subject seems to produce an aggravation of the 
disease.” 

This was deemed necessary by Miss Hopper’s highly 


268 Three Fair Philanthropists 

excited state and her persistence in remaining where fuel 
was constantly being thrown on the fire of her combustible 
nature. Miss Mettle and Miss Denny were exceedingly 
worn by their efforts to pacify her until the close of the 
lecture upon which so much depended. 

^^Yes, that is right; I thought you would admit it/' 
continued the speaker as soon as the animated cries of 
^diear, hear/' and “bravo, bravo," that filled up the in- 
terim of reading the card had died away. “And it seems 
hardly fitting that a discourse on woman financiers should 
be finished without some reference to economy. To prac- 
tise economy and to talk economy seems to be the fashion- 
able fad of the day. It is a harmless idea with nothing 
immoral about it, hence I fully endorse it. There are 
fads like buying lottery tickets and playing craps, which I 
do all I can to discourage; but not so with economy. I 
advise you all to practise it. You can do so in various 
ways — ^you can buy less jewelry." 

Clementine Flutter showed her agreement with this 
sage advice by nodding her head and whispering, “That’s 
so, and I think I shall.” 

“You can buy a few less dresses." 

Biddy O’Monahan's mouth opened and she said: 

“Faith, thin, if I did I'd hev nothing to civer me; it's 
only two gowns as I hiv now!" 

“You can cut down in the length of your gloves. It 
would be a great saving to always buy two-button gloves." 

Mrs. Islip seemed greatly impressed with this sugges- 
tion, as being something altogether new, and she enlarged 
upon it; dwelling especially on the item of buying two- 
button gloves, emphasizing her words with gesticulations 
in a pair of gloves that reached her shoulders. Sounds of 
weeping from Maggie Flynn disturbed her remarks and 
Miss Mettle motioned to Mrs. Winn to find out the cause 


A Rare Lecture 


269 


of the girhs sorrow. She said when led out in the hall: 

‘^How hin I help it, Mrs. Winn? — ^boo-hoo, boo-hoo. I 
don’t mean to precipitate no ’stravagance, and I’d rnther 
do as the lady says, and have always two button gloves; 
but what kin a poor gal do? Jest look!” She held out 
a pair of filthy, dirty, ten-bntton party gloves which were 
at one time flesh color. don’t have enough wages to 
bny gloves and these are the only ones that gets gnv to 
me.” 

At the conclusion of Mrs. Islip’s lecture she was pre- 
sented with a choice bouquet of flowers while roses were 
sprinkled on the raised dais around her with a lavish- 
ness that tried to ignore the fact that they were costing 
three dollars a dozen. 

The applause, the congratulations and the flowers had 
the desired effect and our three fair philanthropists had 
the satisfaction of seeing their weighty problem dissolv- 
ing into air. Mrs. Islip invited them to her grand ball, 
beside promising to send them invitations on the morrow. 
She had already ordered them sent, she told them; but 
her son-in-law had doubtless made a mistake. The three 
young ladies thought it a mistake the result of a purpose 
though they did not say so. 


270 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


CHAPTER XXV. 

DESCEIBES A PARTY AND A PROPOSAL. 

At length the grand event about which the reader has 
been hearing is to be a reality. Mrs. Islip’s ball, the invi- 
tations to which have been the occasion of so much solici- 
tude, planning, expenditure of money, time, nervous 
energy, and finally the occasion of triumphant pleasure in 
possession, is a thing of the present. 

If any feel disposed to grumble at the great number of 
entertainments they have been invited to attend in these 
pages and to say : “Between Miss Mettle’s evenings. Miss 
Denny’s balls. Miss Hopper’s recitations and Mrs. Islip’s 
lecture, and now another ball, our patience is simply ex- 
hausted and our nerves unstrung. What is in the way of 
our being treated to a quiet home scene for a change?” 
the author would reply the difficulty in granting such a 
request is that the class of people to which the three fair 
philanthropists belong, namely, the gay fashionables, are 
individuals Coleridge undoubtedly had in mind when he 
said, “The largest part of mankind are nowhere greater 
strangers than at home.” 

This “quiet home scene” for which the reader calls, if 
true to life, would be composed of dramatis personce either 
stretched upon their beds in slumber; or seated at the 
table, dumpish and mute, eating a meal, while they watch 
the clock through fear of being late for their next engage- 
ment; or else, abusing their maids and valets, they would 
be found smirking and twisting in front of mirrors trying 


271 


A Party and a Proposal 

to catch glimpses of their magnificent apparel from every 
conceivable angle previous to their appearance at some 
grand festivity. If my readers think such ^fiiome scenes” 
would afford any relief to their exhausted patience or 
recruit their unstrung nerves they are at liberty to paint 
them for themselves, in which case the author bids them 
adieu and turns to the task she has set herself of dealing 
with her characters upon their native heath. 

The time had been limited in which our three friends 
must order their dresses, but there was no suggestion of 
limitation when one looked at the magnificence and splen- 
dor of their final appearance. It happened that they ar- 
rived nearly together and were in the dressing room at the 
same time. Miss Mettle’s dress was a crimson satin, bro- 
caded with peacock’s feathers (size and color true to life), 
not arranged in symmetrical rows, but lying carelessly in 
such a manner that a bird of that family coming in sight 
would have wept a companion slain and thought his plumage 
bad been thrown upon a sea of gore. This was not at all 
the dress she had hoped to have. An importer down town 
had promised to have a satin woven especially for her 
which should have a ground work of tawny yellow with 
a life size royal Bengal tiger rejoicing in the rich mark- 
ings of those inhabitants of the Indian jungles, brocaded 
in the front. It was to be made up with the back of the 
head on her breast and the forepaws around her waist. 
She would look like the woman being devoured by the tiger 
and have been a standing miracle to children and un- 
sophisticated persons that she was able to survive the on- 
slaught of such a fierce beast. It was found impossible 
to have this unique gown finished in time for Mrs. Islip’s 
ball, so Miss Mettle had to content herself with the pea- 
cock’s feathers strewn on the sea of gore. She presented 
an uncommon appearance and no mistake. It was her 


272 Three Fair Philanthropists 

aim to be iiiilike other people and she seldom failed in ac- 
complishing this object. 

Miss Hopper on the other hand was so unlike the or- 
dinary individual in the matter of corpulency, short 
stature, redness of complexion and protuberance of eye that 
her aim was the exact reverse of Miss Mettle’s, but she was 
far less successful in carrying it out. The top knot with 
which she strove (together with the aid of high French 
heels) to remedy her lack of height had too great a tend- 
ency to lodge on either one side or the other of her head, 
and this gave her an unusually convivial, not to say tipsy, 
air. To-night she had on a white satin, a fabric pecu- 
liarly suited and most commonly worn at evening parties, 
but in her case its shiny whiteness seemed to bring out 
and accentuate her portliness of figure, especially as she 
seemed determined to take vengeance on this same portli- 
ness by devices so well known to portly females. 

Miss Mettle and she were interrupted in the midst of 
their whispered wonderings as to how Mr. Grout would re- 
ceive them this evening by Miss Denny. A knot of peach- 
colored satin ribbon had come off her shoulder and she 
wanted her companions to decide whether she should re- 
turn it to its place or whether she looked better without it. 

^^Stand still a minute, Grace, if you want us to tell!” 
exclaimed Miss Hopper. “The movement of her dress, 
quivering and palpitating, makes me think of loosened bed- 
springs,” she continued in an aside to Miss Mettle. 

“Yes,” replied the young lady addressed in an answer- 
ing aside, “it makes me seasick. One good thing, down- 
stairs there will be a crowd that will prevent her fiuttering 
to any extent.” Then addressing Miss Denny, she said : 

“Grace, you look better with only one shoulder knot. It 
is more odd and unlike other people.” 

“I don’t think so, Grace,” said Miss Hopper. “One 


273 


A Party and a Proposal 

shoulder knot makes you look lop-sided. You need two.’^ 

“Well, how am I going to tell which to do?’^ exclaimed 
Miss Denny, standing before the glass on one toe and twirl- 
ing round until each of her many peach-colored tulle 
flounces reaching her waist stood out at right angles from 
her person. 

“Oh, Grace, don’t !” they exclaimed, both at once, while 
they moved toward the door. 

“They are a couple of jealous prigs !” said Miss Denny 
to herself, as. she continued her admiring looks and touches 
before the glass after the departure of her friends. “Just 
because I am younger and better looking and have some 
taste in my dress they are put out with me. I’ll be even 
with them later in the evening; you see if I am not!” 
and she winked so engagingly at her reflection in the glass 
that a burst of laughter was the result, in which both 
joined. 

Her merriment was interrupted by the entrance of 
Leonora Bullwinkle. Leonora’s small soul had been dilat- 
ing with pleasurable emotions at every step she had taken 
since leaving her carriage because of the delightful con- 
sciousness that she was about to appear — not at the house 
of a friend or any one she cared for; but because she was 
to appear at a place where the three fair philanthropists 
wanted to come and could not. She had not been apprised 
of the lecture and hence had not heard of their change of 
fortune. On the way upstairs to the dressing room she 
had taken especial notice of the banks of flowers, the ar- 
rangem^ents of the palms and other shrubbery. She 
noticed there was one more footman in the hall than she 
had been accustomed to seeing. And she remarked that 
the stripes in the vests of all the men ran diagonally. She 
had just made a change from horizontal to perpendicular 


274 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


in the stripes of her own servants, but she determined to 
introduce this latest device as soon as possible. 

Storing away several such important items in her lim- 
ited brain room, in order to be very entertaining the next 
time she met her friends, she entered the dressing room. 
She was throwing aside her outer wraps preparatory to 
revelling for a brief space in her great magnificence of dia- 
mond necklace and sparkling coronet, to say nothing of 
her canary yellow and purple velvet gown, when she dis- 
covered Miss Denny. 

^^Why, are you here!’^ she said, unable to conceal her 
chagrin. don’t mean that; I mean how nice that you 
can be here and how nice if Miss Mettle and Miss Hopper 
could also be here.” 

^^You will undoubtedly be pleased to know, that they 
are, and both downstairs,” returned Miss Denny 
haughtily. 

^^Why, you don’t mean it !” returned Leonora, her thick 
utterance giving the impression that she was choking. 

Miss Denny’s only answer was to sweep out of the room, 
and as she did so she swept a great deal of happiness from 
Miss Bullwinkle’s mean little soul. 

Miss Mettle and Annie Hopper on descending to pay 
their respects to host and hostess found the rooms comfort- 
ably filled. They were glad to have it so, because this was 
the first time they had met Mr. K. Koundout Grout 
since he had made his notable contribution to the cause of 
philanthropy represented by their girls’ club. His greet- 
ing of Miss Hopper was markedly reserved, not to say 
distant. Toward Miss Mettle with the reserve there was 
mingled a melancholy that expressed itself after the first 
few commonplaces in a lugubrious sigh. 

‘T fear you are not feeling well,” said Miss Mettle, the 
nearest approach to a blush her cold features ever at- 


A Party and a Proposal 275 

tained, overspreading her countenance at this attempt at 
coquetry. 

‘Thysically I am perfectly well,” returned the ex-con- 
gressman, ^n^ut you know there are other ills than those of 
the body,” and he placed his hand impressively over his 
heart as if to indicate that that organ was the seat of his 
present indisposition. 

There was no time for reply, on account of the en- 
trance of more guests. Miss Mettle therefore gave her 
metallic little laugh, the same with which she greeted all 
her friends’ confidences, from a narration of a bill of fare 
to a death in the famity, and passed on. Mr. Grout ap- 
proached her a few minutes later and in a lofty manner 
asked permission to affix his name to her programme for 
the dances. 

tried to get to you before I made my engagements 
with Miss Denny,” he said. ^‘But I ran across her first 
and she is such a fascinating little thing I had to give her 
several dances in spite of myself.” 

^^Miss Denny indeed !” said Miss Mettle to herself as she 
watched her companion write his name on her list. ^^How 
men can be ensnared by girls like Grace Denny is a mystery 
to me ! And I believe the man is going to dance with her 
first ! He shan’t do it if I can help it !” 

Taking her programme, where there was no fault to 
be found with the number of times the initials K. K. G. 
appeared, she pointed to the last time and said; 
hardly think my mother will care to stay late enough 
for that dance. Suppose you change it for the second;” 
she knew he was to dance the first with Mrs. Islip. 

‘^The second,” repeated Mr. Grout, looking at his en- 
gagements and pondering. ^The second I am down to 
dance with Miss Denny.” 


276 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


very well/^ returned Miss Mettle, straightening 
up and looking off in a manner to indicate her dis- 
pleasure. 

will change if you would like to have me/^ returned 
Mr. Grout. 

^^Oh, never mind; I would not have you put yourself 
out on my account,” said Miss Mettle, her words indicat- 
ing a termination of the interview, while her not moving 
showed she had something yet to accomplish. 

^‘^She will storm and rage, but by Jove, it shall be done ! 
I know no higher law than your pleasure, fair lady,” said 
Mr. Grout, writing his name in the place Miss Mettle 
indicated, and leaving her, that he might make the 
change with Miss Denny. 

Mrs. Islip’s art gallery was devoted to dancing. The 
floral decorations there as all over the house were very 
elaborate. In no tropic yet visited by man did the palm 
trees, mammoth ferns and large rubber plants flourish 
with such luxuriance. In the corners of several of the 
rooms vegetation seemed to reach such riotous propor- 
tions that sheer necessity called into existence booths or 
nooks, where art combining with nature, colored lanterns 
of curious carved Japanese workmanship, were placed, to- 
gether with gayly embroidered cushions, and here the 
wearied dancer might find rest in the pauses of the music. 

Miss Mettle had finished her third dance with Mr. 
Grout and there was to be one number in which she was 
not to participate when her mother approached, looking 
careworn and anxious. 

“I have wanted to get hold of you, Eay, for some time. 
Come in here,” she said, drawing her daughter into one 
of the bowers of green farthest away from the music. 
She was nervous and the poor lace fan in her hands was 


A Party and a Proposal 


277 


suffering in consequence of her constant opening and 
shutting or slapping it against her closed fist. 

have been astonished, Kay/^ she said after an em- 
barrassing pause, ^‘to see how many times you have been 
dancing with Mr. Grout.” 

have only danced three times with him,” answered 
her daughter. 

'^But one of those times was the second dance, next to 
the one in which he opened the ball with his mother-in- 
law, a circumstance to occasion remark, and I have heard 
several comments already.” 

^^Ha ! let them comment all they have a mind,” replied 
Miss Mettle. ^^Did you think I was going to let that stuck- 
up, conceited Grace Denny have that honor when I could 
help it? A woman does not have to be engaged or feel 
obliged to marry every man she dances with.” 

^^Ray, there is no use of your trifling with facts in 
that foolish way. Here you have been telling me that 
you preferred to be a bishop’s wife rather than a con- 
gressman’s, and to humor you I have been bending every 
energy to accomplish that end. I have left nothing un- 
done that could in any way advance your interests. I 
have gone to confessional when you know I had to rack 
my brains to their utmost to get anything to confess. I 
have hired three seats in the Chapel of the Holy Madonna 
in Heaven though your father will not put his foot in- 
side the church, and hence that is just so much money 
thrown away. We went over to the Mission and nearly 
killed ourselves as volunteer workers, and since then by 
repeated invitations to dinner, I have had the extreme 
satisfaction of seeing Rector Dunraven as an iceberg 
when approaching the tropics grow less and less frigid, 
and there was every probability with the proper manage- 
ment his nature under the rays of that all-powerful 


278 Three Fair Philanthropists 

luminary, love, would have melted, budded, blossomed 
and ” 

^^Don't talk so loud; some one will hear you,” inter- 
rupted Miss Mettle. 

^‘1 am not saying anything of which I am ashamed, 
Ray Mettle, I wish you to understand. But I am talk- 
ing on a subject of the most vital importance to your 
present and future w^elfare, and I cannot comprehend how 
a person like yourself can stand on the edge of such an 
awful precipice unmoved !” 

To Mrs. Mettle’s heated imagination celibacy seemed 
represented by a bottomless pit, on the edge of which all 
unmarried people were condemned to stand and into 
which they were bound to fall, unless by superhuman exer- 
tions either on their own or their friends’ part they were 
saved, by being drawn into the state of matrimony. 

‘T have spoken to Rector Dunraven this evening,” re- 
plied Miss Mettle. feel just as cordial toward him 
as I ever did. But I don’t see how you can blame me for 
wanting to keep the upper hand of Grace Denny. You 
know how unbearable she is if she does not get a setting 
down once in a while. Even you thought it would have 
been a great blow not to be invited to this ball and I do 
not see the good of being here vnthout enjoying yourself, 
which I never could have done had I seen Grace Denny 
dance that time with Mr. Grout.” 

know at one time I spoke favorably of coming here, 
Ray, but if I could have foreseen how much I was going 
to suiter by your compromising and fickle behavior, I 
should have shunned the place as I would a pest hos- 
pital.” 

^^Mummy Mettle, how is my behavior any more com- 
promising and fickle than Rector Dunraven’s? He has 


279 


A Party and a Proposal 

been surrounded by a bevy of ladies most of the time 
and has approached me but twice!” 

^^He had tried to get to you oftener, Eay, for he told 
me so, and if you had not filled up your time dancing 
so often with Mr. Grout, he would have been with you in- 
stead of being surrounded by those ladies you mention. 
I must confess to having a curiosity about those same 
people, so much so that I joined their circle to see who 
they were and what was the common topic of inter- 
est. I found them absorbed in discussing with the rector 
different patterns for embroidering altar cloths, vest- 
ments, and banners. They appeared to be well-meaning 
individuals, but you would think to hear them talk that 
their eternal salvation depended on the number and ex- 
quisite finish of their embroidery. I am sure I have heard 
somewhere of a narrow way to heaven; but they seem to 
be filled with a notion that it’s an embroidered way. To 
each other they were telling how many times they had 
scrubbed on hands and knees the chancel and the aisles, 
and the number and size of the black and blue spots 
they had received in consequence.” 

^Tf I were a bishop’s wife I wonder if I would be ex- 
pected to lead out such a host?” asked Miss Mettle refiec- 
tively. 

^^What kind of a host?” returned her mother. 

^^Why, an army of those high-church women scrubbers, 
dusters and embroiderers,” said Miss Mettle. 

^^Very likely, at some of their high pageants, Eay, and 
let me tell you, my love, for such an occasion you could 
not have a more appropriate dress than the one you have 
on. For you could be ^^my lady of the holy duster” and 
5^our badge of office a magnificent bunch of peacock’s 
feathers tied with a bow of crimson ribbon the color of 
the ground work of your dress for a dusting brush and 


280 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


as you walked, you might wave the feathers to and fro and 
the effect would be simply wonderful 

All Mrs. Mettle’s troubles seemed to disappear at this 
vision of her daughter’s future glory. 

^^But what are you scowling at?” she asked, as she 
turned round suddenly, and found her daughter looking 
intently out of the opening to the bower of green which 
they occupied, at some object which roused her anger. 

‘^There is Grace Denny with Mr. Grout again? And 
he is laughing at some one she is mimicking. Look ! there 
they go, past that pillar near the end of the hall leading 
into the ballroom. See them?” 

^‘Yes, I see,” returned her mother, ^^but what do you 
care ?” 

believe she is taking me off, the viper !” exclaimed 
Eay Mettle. 

Both ladies watched the couple, when Mrs. Mettle said : 

^^You are right, Eay, that’s the way you nod your head 
when you are out of humor. But never mind; she is a 
frivolous, vain person. I would not give her foolish 
actions a thought.” 

^^She is trying to influence him to break his other engage- 
ments with me, I know,” returned the daughter. 

^^What ! you were not intending to dance any more with 
him, Eay?” asked her mother. 

^^You can see how many times he wrote his name on my 
programme,” and Miss Mettle showed not without a 
slight touch of pride her list of dances. 

^‘^Well, Eay, I can’t help feeling discouraged ! Here you 
have not had anything to do with Mr. Grout for some 
time and have led me to think that the rector had taken 
his place in your affections, though you can hardly be said 
truthfully to have affections; people with affections 
marry young. It would be nearer the mark to say I 


281 


A Party and a Proposal 

thought the rector had taken his place in your favorable 
opinion. In consequence, by my assiduous attentions and 
wise management, the rector has been brought to a con- 
dition where he might be expected to propose at any mo- 
ment; and now you venture to trifle with your fate by 
encouraging Mr. Grout as you have this evening. I have 
the greatest mind in the world to wash my hands of you 
entirely.” 

If Miss Mettle had said what she felt most inclined 
to say, she would have intimated to her maternal rela- 
tive that a course such as she described would be quite 
in accordance with her daughter's desires. But as the 
heathen, in consequence of centuries of false teaching, fear 
to throw off the bondage of their idol-worship, although 
no good can ever be proven to have resulted from it, but 
on the contrary great evils, so Miss Mettle held similar 
superstitious feelings in regard to freeing herself from 
her mother’s matrimonial plans in her behalf. So she 
hastened to take her mother’s little fat hand and, strok- 
ing it, pleasantly said: 

'^Now, mummy, don’t get mad. Go get the rector, 
if he can be exhumed from the bevy of young ladies that 
hedge him in on every side, and I will rejoice your heart 
by being very good to him.” 

^^Do you mean it, Eay?” asked her mother anxiously. 

^‘Yes, I mean it, and I’ll wait for you here.” 

We must do Miss Mettle the credit to say that her 
intentions were perfectly honest in making this agree- 
ment with her mother. She waited some moments in 
the very seat her mother left her, looking up at the flnely 
carved lantern hanging from the mass of green, wonder- 
ing if the red glass beneath the carving was Bohemian 
or American glass; then she picked up the sofa cushion 
and examined the embroidery. Presently the band from 


282 Three Fair Philanthropists 

the ball room struck up a strain of music which caused 
her to look at her programme, for she had forgotten to 
whom she had promised this dance. A Mr. Luke Waters 
was down, and, glancing out, she saw him looking for 
her. She motioned to him, and when he approached she 
said: 

‘^Mr. Waters, please excuse me from this dance; I am 
too fatigued.^’ 

Mr. Waters accepted the situation very cheerfully and 
was off to secure another partner without delay. As 
Miss Mettle was returning to the seat she had left a deep 
bass voice said in her ear: 

“I am glad you mean to be rested for your dance with 
me."^ 

It was Mr. Grout, and he had Miss Denny’s peach- 
colored feather fan in his hand. 

Miss Mettle looked at him resentfully as she said: 
am intending to cancel my engagement with you 

also.” 

^‘1 refuse to allow you to do such a thing without grant- 
ing me a good and sufficient reason.” 

Mr. Grout spoke peremptorily, and, following Miss 
Mettle into the green covert where she promised to remain 
seated himself resolutely at her side. 

^^Reason!” exclaimed Miss Mettle, laughing scorn- 
fully. ‘^A man want a reason for a lady’s action when 
he can join in ridiculing that lady.” 

deny it! I never joined Miss Denny in ridiculing 
you! In fact, I tried to stop her. But you know Grace 
Denny !” 

Mr. Grout had determined to try what pique would do 
in furthering his cause with Miss Mettle, but he realized 
that this valuable agency must not be used too far. 

^^Yes, I know Grace Denny,” replied Miss Mettle, ^^and 


283 


A Party and a Proposal 

I know some people consider her fascinating, but it is a 
mystery to me wherein her fascinations consist 

"She may be fascinating,” returned the ex-congress- 
man, recognizing his previous wily expression and in- 
wardly pleased at the opposition it aroused, ^l^ut in com- 
parison with another her fascinations may be like the 
starlight in comparison with the light from the great and 
glorious orb of day,” and Mr. Grout turned on his com- 
panion a look that was intended to make it very clear 
which he considered the greater light. 

Miss Mettle sat up stiff and straight beside him ap- 
parently unmoved by his speech, though in reality she was 
casting up in her mind how she could manage to keep 
him from Grace Denny the rest of this dance (because 
the fan in his hand showed him to be on his way back 
to the vixen in peach-colored tulle) and at the same time 
keep the engagement with her mother and the rector. 

At all events, she could not remain where she was, for 
Mr. Grout, after a few minutes’ silence and several lugu- 
brious sighs, took her hand and pressing it tenderly, said : 

"I have offended you in some way, dear Miss Mettle. 
Believe me, I am sorry. Pity and forgive me.” 

Miss Mettle rose to her feet, and her companion said : 

"You are tired of sitting. Shall we take a stroll 
through the rooms?” 

"Just for a minute or two,” returned Miss Mettle. 

"We need not hasten,” replied Mr. Grout, "for the 
next dance you have promised me, and this dance is can- 
celled.” 

Miss Mettle’s conscience reminding her of her promise 
to her mother, after going a short distance she tried to 
return, and as an excuse pleaded the loss of a valuable 
lace handkerchief; but as her companion insisted on re- 
turning in her place, and, as that would not have made 


284 Three Fair Philanthropists 

matters better, but rather worse, they decided to look for 
the handkerchief later on. Miss Mettle realized that her 
companion had a particular spot toward which he was 
directing his steps, although he put on an air of merely 
sauntering through the rooms. They passed in the spa- 
cious hall on one side of the fountain, which was sur- 
rounded by flowers and ferns, while on the other Miss Met- 
tle recognized her mother and Eector Dunraven, stop- 
ping for a short chat with a chance acquaintance. Mr. 
Grout must have seen them, too, for after suggesting a 
pause at the fountain he passed directly to the massively 
carved staircase and on upstairs. 

think you have not been here, have you?’^ he asked, 
as together they reached a balcony enclosed in a kind of 
glass that made one think of ice. 

^^We call this our Icelandic grotto,’’ he continued, tak- 
ing Miss Mettle to the farthest corner and seating her on 
a divan. 

It was just enough cooler here to be delightful. The 
only light was that from colored lanterns, and the noise 
from below reached them in a subdued murmur. Sev- 
eral other couples were enjoying the pleasure of this re- 
treat, and their conversation and quiet laughter added to 
the feeling of happy content that seemed to pervade the 
place. 

Miss Mettle, with cushions at her back and under her 
feet, with Mr. Grout as submissive and attentive as a 
slave, vowing that Cleopatra could not have looked as 
handsome as she did, was yielding herself up to the se- 
ductions of the hour, when a movement on the part of 
some of the couples nearest her reminded her that time 
was flying, for these people were going down for a new 
dance. The promise to her mother came again to her, 
and she said: 


A Party and a Proposal 


285 


^^You must take me downstairs, Mr. Grout.’^ 

^^Why so?^^ asked that gentleman in an injured tone. 
‘^Where is your programme? I^m down for this dance, 
am I not? Yes, there you see my initials, K. R. G. ! 
You are mine for this dance; you are mine, all mine; 
could we spend the time in any more enchanting place, 
eh, darling?” and Mr. Grout’s arm stole around Miss 
Mettle’s waist. ^^Why not be mine longer than for this 
dance?” he continued, as Miss Mettle remained silent, 
but a look of unmistakable content appeared upon her 
countenance. “Be mine for life,” he urged, encouraged 
by her look and the departure of every one but them- 
selves for the dancing hall, to draw her close to him. 

“But my mother — what will she say?” murmured Miss 
Mettle. 

“iN'ever mind what she will say. She likes me, and I 
can make it all right with her. You are the one to say. 
Say yes, and seal it with a kiss.” 

Miss Mettle’s “yes” was uttered very softly, but it 
reached her lover’s delighted ear, and was followed by a 
long, passionate embrace. 


286 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


CHAPTER XXVI. 

PROFESSOR POGGENBEEK^ FROM THE ‘^NORT-VEST. 

Life at the Working Girls’ Club had been reminding 
me (and ^^me” in this instance means Mrs. Winn) ever 
since the evening of the encounter between Leonora Bull- 
winkle and Mary Sharkey, of the early days in the history 
of our country, when border warfare was carried on be- 
tween the settlers and the Indians, and victory was on the 
side of first one party and then the other. Mary Sharkey 
was very regular in her attendance; the excitement of 
having a ^Toeman worthy of her steel” to encounter made 
the place more attractive than anything else could have 
done, and, as for Leonora, her mind was too small to 
grasp any other notion of revenge than that of returning 
an insult in kind, with as much additional rancor as it 
was possible, with her limited intellectual capacity, to in- 
flict. 

There still remained the idea and wish to teach, in- 
struct, educate, in the minds of the managers, and even 
Miss Bullwinkle was pleased to term her forays, her oft- 
times exceedingly animated encounters with Mary Shar- 
key, ^^training prosestheths.” 

The singular nature and their effect on an unpreju- 
diced beholder of these training processes can best be 
shown by giving the reader Professor Poggenbeek’s experi- 
ence. This gentleman presented himself before me one 
day with the following introduction: 

'^Meedames, you do see before yous von gentlemans lec- 
turer from de great and noble country of de Nort-vest !” 


Professor Poggenbeek 287 

Pausing as if to give me time to recover from the shock 
of finding myself in the vicinity of such an august per- 
sonage, he proceeded : 

^^And now, meedames, I do assure you that it vill be 
my intention of so producing der grand characterization 
of de mettoads in wogue mit de benevolent heebies in de 
East dat de greatest glory will eventually crown your 
heads — eh, so? Accordingly, meedames, I will here de- 
light to sit myself to-day, to-morrow, und many day, mit 
my pencil und mit my paper, tinking, studying und writ- 
ing/" 

I soon grew accustomed to the presence of Professor 
Poggenbeek. He had a fat, dumpy figure, a bald head, 
and eyes so nearsighted that reading or writing had to be 
held very near his nose in order to be distinguished. 

^^Well, professor,"" I aslced, after he had been at work 
two or three days, ^^how are you getting along? Have you 
made any valuable additions to your previous knowledge 
of philanthropy and the methods of carrying it on?"" 

^^Oh, meedames, it is vonderfuls! I vill bes immortal 
ven I gets to my homes and tells all dat I haf seen. De 
beebles in my place vas tinking of starting a girls" club, 
and dey say, find out what tings must be had; and so 
here I puts all dat I haf seen. Joost reads for your- 
selfs."" 

I took the paper and found he had begun at the vases 
and bric-a-brac and given a minute description of each, 
which occupied three and a half foolscap sheets; then he 
had taken the furniture, and that filled four sheets. At 
the bottom of one page there was the following note: 

‘^1 finds nottings must be used as furniture in de girls’ 
clubs which costs one stiver less dan twenty-five dollar."" 

^^But, professor,"" I said, ^^are you not afraid by putting 
down so many things and having them so costly you will 


288 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


discourage your fellow-townspeople from undertaking to 
establish what might do a great deal of good V’ 

^^Oh, meedames neevair, neevair!^’ and the professor’s 
round, bald pate shook a decided negative. “My experi- 
ence vill be teaching me dat human natures inclines to 
elegance; as de screeptures say, de sparks inclines to fly 
upward. I haf long time ago stopped recommending any- 
tings dat vas cheeps. If you say den ve must be reech 
beebles, I say, oh, no, but dair is von large stretch of un- 
mortgaged propertys; ven I gets home I tells them how to 
raise de moneys on dat.” 

“But if your town is not very large, perhaps you would 
not find many working girls in it,” I said. 

“Quite true, meedames; dair is nones, but how many 
tink you lif on Fifth avenue, vere dis club is? So much 
de more glory to you and to us. Ve goes along, and not 
only starts our grand benevolences, but ve also imports de 
beebles who shall profits by dem. Ve thus vill be making 
of ourselves great and glorious philanthropists, like Dau- 
versiere, who, ven de French occupied Canada and had 
quite a settlement at Quebec, sent over de moneys to found 
a hospital, not vair it vas needed, but on de island vere 
Montreal now stands, and vich vas den a howling vilder- 
nesses. Vas dere anypodies to put in dat hospitals, tink 
you? No, verily, noddings but wolves, jackals und chip- 
munks. But dat only showed vat a vonderfuls man he vas, 
not only to found a hospital, but also to import de beebles 
to put in it — eh, so !” 

“Shall I go on reading, professor?” I asked. 

“Ah, do, dear meedames ; and you will see how I am af- 
fected by de apparel of dose young vimmins who comes to 
teach de odder young vimmins.” 

I took still other foolscap sheets, and there I found the 
professor had described the young ladies, who often came 


Professor Poggenbeek 289 

in full-dress party costume to keep their engagements at 
the club. 

^^Oh, meedames, vat you see written expresses not von- 
haf of vat I feels and the professor took out his hand- 
kerchief and wiped his mild blue eye. ^^To tink vimmins 
mit so leetle on demselves have de heart to come togedder 
to do tings for de odders. De fust time I saw it I vill be 
almost saying before I tinks, Toor young voman, couldn’t 
your mudder lend you even a shawl or a cape?’ Ven de 
vestern vimmins know vat dey got to do and how dey got 
to dress in order to be truly philanthropic, dey shiver, 
maybe, but dey no flinches!” 

^Trofessor, you have been very industrious and have a 
great deal written for your lectures. What is the next 
subject you take up ?” I asked, greatly amused. 

^^Ah, meedames, now you comes to vere I am in de great- 
est deeficulty. I haf got to de subject, ^Vat is de object 
of de girls’ clup, und vat dey teeches 1’ I knows vat Mees 
Mettle, Mees Hopper und Mees Denny says is de object. 
It vill pe to rise up de masses. But, ach Himmel, mee- 
dames !” and the poor man clapped both hands to his head 
and closed tight his watery blue eye. ^^Ven I does see dem 
cornin’ in, sometimes haf an hour, sometimes an hour 
late (und sometimes I does see dem not cornin’ at all) 
und complainin’ most of the time dey vill pe heres of how 
much dey haf to do for nuttings, how leetle de udder vim- 
mins do, who will be on de same committees, und den ven 
I counts up de cost of de jewels dey have on, round dere 
neck, und in dere ears, and on dere wrists and Angers, and 
twinkling in dere hairs, ven I says to myself to rise up the 
masses — to rise up the masses — but vich way to rise ’em 
up? Eise ’em up dat way,” and the professor pointed 
toward the sky, ''or vill it pe de udder vay dey rise ’em 
up? Can you tell, meedames?” 


290 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


I endeavored to express my sympathy with the poor 
man in his perplexity, but I had to assure him that I was 
just as much at a loss to determine the direction of the 
^^rise’^ as himself. I suggested that the final settlement of 
that question be left to the future, and he agreed to this 
by uttering his favorite : 

^^Yah! So, meedames; und now ve vill be coming to 
vat de working girls’ club teeches.” 

^^Well, professor, it is Miss Mettle’s idea to teach ” 

^^But stop, meedames!” exclaimed the professor, ^^Mees 
Mettle has not been present von single times dat I haf 
been heres. Whatsoever her ideas vill pe, she teaches by 
her example dat every von must be absent joost as much 
as she please.” 

^W^ell, professor, that arrangement would work very 
well if there could be some agreement for both the young 
ladies and the girls to act together at the same tinie. But 
the girls keep coming long after the young ladies have 
given up, and when they become discouraged and remain 
away then the young ladies appear and are deeply offended 
that there are no girls for them to teach.” 

^Well, meedames, in the vest ve vill pe tinkin’ und vorkin’ 
over dat problem — to see how long de young vimmins can 
stay away mit profit to demselves and advantage to de un- 
dertaking. Mayhaps some grand inventive genius might 
perpetuate his name and fam.e to future generations by 
discovering a mettoad vereby the young vimmins might run 
a clup and at the same time stay avay altogedder from it — 
eh, so! But hist dere! Vat is dat large noise ve vill pe 
hearing ?” 

There was indeed a grand rumpus going on in an ad- 
joining room — sounds like some one thumping and shak- 
ing a door. I was about to go and investigate, when Miss 


Professor Poggenbeek 291 

Bullwinkle came hurriedly through the room where Pro- 
fessor Poggenbeek and I were sitting. 

“Mrs. Winn,” she said, “I have shut up that Mary 
Sharkey in the wood and coal closet” (for, I must tell the 
reader, we had two open fireplaces) ^^and I do not wish 
you to let her come out for two hours. Her impudence is 
unendurable !” 

“The only way for you to be sure she is kept there that 
length of time is to stay and see to it yourself, for, by the 
way she is pounding now, I should think she would have 
the door down in ten minutes,” I answered. 

“Pless my soul and pody, Mees Pull winkle! Vat vill 
you pe teechings by dis mettoads — eh, so?” and a bewil- 
dered, helpless expression appeared on the professor’s 
usually calm features. 

“But, meedames, vere is Mees Pull winkle? She vas 
heres, and den she vas not heres, all so queak as I vill be 
vinkings ?” 

That was true. Miss Bullwinkle lost no time in plac- 
ing as much space as possible between herself and her ad- 
versary, and perhaps it was just as well she did, for in 
less than ten minutes there was a crash, and immediately 
Mary Sharkey appeared before us, dancing and shouting 
with rage. Her face and clothes were covered with coal 
dust, for she had been sent forward on her face and hands 
by the closing of the door. She now had her hands full 
of the black grime, which she was ready to throw at Miss 
Bullwinkle. 

“Eh, so?” said the professor, looking at her over his 
spectacles with the eyes of a savant encountering an en- 
tirely new and rare order of being. “Meedames, dis ber- 
son vill haf de looks about her of vildness und undomesti- 
cation.” 

“I’m not vile nor un — what-you-may-call-it !” ex- 


292 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


claimed Mary, throwing the coal dust intended for Miss 
Bullwinkle on the professor. 

“Never mind, meedames returned the professor, as he 
saw my efforts at reproving Mary and removing the black 
from his shirt front and shiny bald pate. “Dis person vill 
haf done me a serwise mit dis badness, for I vas joost 
about to haf her sit down und tells- vat she learns from de 
teechings of dis clup, and now dair is no need. I see quite 
plains she vill haf learned to trow tings — eh, so ?” 


Discomforts of a Secret Engagement 293 


CHAPTER XXVII. 

THE DISCOMFORTS OF A SECRET ENGAGEMENT. 

"'Swift as a shadow, short as any dream; 

Brief as the lightning in the collied night 
That in a spleen unfolds both heaven and earth, 

And ere a man hath power to say "Behold!' 

The jaws of darkness do devour it up; 

So quick bright things come to confusion." 

We know for a certainty that Shakespeare was not 
present at Mrs. Islip’s ball and was wholly unacquainted 
with the experience through which Mr. Grout and Miss 
Mettle passed, but if he bad been he could not have written 
lines more applicable to the occasion than those quoted 
above: ^^So quick bright things come to confusion.^’ 
What things can more truly be classified among bright 
things than the dream of love, in which our deep-chested 
hero and his companion were enwrapped when last we 
were in their society ? But alas ! they had barely time to 
agree that the vows they plighted each other should be 
kept a profound secret before a familiar voice came to their 
ears as of a fat person laboring up the stairs. Miss Mettle 
turned pale as she recognized the voice of her offended 
parent. 

^^And she is in that state of mind that she will dig to 
the foundations of the earth or scour the entire globe over 
but she will find out where I am,’^ Miss Mettle refiected. 


294 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


She therefore persuaded Mr!' Grout very much against 
his will to leave their retreat, and together they met Mrs. 
Mettle and Eector Dunraven in the hall. 

Mrs. Mettle suppressed her feelings of rage at her 
daughter’s base conduct as far as saying anything was 
concerned, though she lost no time in taking Mr. Grout 
off and consigning him to the care of Miss Denny, while 
she hovered around her daughter and Eector Dunraven, 
keeping them together by threatening to leave whenever 
her daughter showed signs of wishing to change the so- 
ciety of the ecclesiastic for that of anyone else. 

^^Eay,” she said the following morning, when they were 
alone, ^diow soon shall I be able to send out cards for an 
announcement party?” 

^^You mean to announce my engagement?” asked her 
daughter. 

^^Certainly,” replied Mrs. Mettle, severely. 

Miss Mettle hesitated' while she thought over the pros 
and cons of admitting her mother into the secret of her 
engagement, and then she said : 

^^You can give it as soon as you choose.” 

^TTou are engaged, then, you dear, dear girl ! What a 
weight, what a responsibility I feel roll off my shoulders. 
Let me imprint a fond mother’s kiss on your brow and 
salute you as the future Mrs. Bishop Dunraven.” 

'^You cannot salute me as Mrs. Bishop Dunraven, but 
as Mrs. ex-Gongressman Grout,” replied her daughter, 
smiling at the surprise she expected her mother would ex- 
press. 

She had turned her back to her mother to make the 
above announcement, and after waiting an instant for a 
reply and receiving none, she looked for the cause. 

Mrs. Mettle’s emotions were of such an overwhelming 
nature that she was tottering and would have fallen in a 


Discomforts of a Secret Engagement 295 

faint had not her daughter been quick enough to catch 
her. 

^^But you told me you wanted to be a bishop’s wife,” she 
kept repeating as consciousness returned. Her daughter’s 
only answer was the stony giggle behind which she was 
accustomed to take refuge when embarrassing questions 
arose. 

On fully recovering from her faint Mrs. Mettle made 
up her mind just as firmly that the engagement should 
never terminate in marriage as her mind had previously 
been fixed on the idea that Kay must marry some one. 

And certainly the reader will admit there could be no 
stronger comparison. But both husband and daughter 
kept her from expressing herself on the subject by re- 
peating her former admiring phrases regarding Mr. Grout. 

It is a trying experience to undergo a complete change 
of sentiment and have one’s old views remembered and 
repeated from time to time. Mrs. Mettle, therefore, while 
not saying much, did a ^^power of thinking.” She invited 
the rector to dinner very often, while she arranged to dine 
away from home whenever she knew Mr. Grout had been 
invited. She attended confessional regularly, so as to be 
acquainted with Miss Nevins’s plans, as well as to be on 
hand to counteract influences of an adverse nature that the 
young women embroiderers and altar scrubbers might 
seek to throw around him. 

When she heard that the reason Mr. Grout gave for 
wishing a secret engagement was that his fortune was un- 
dergoing certain changes which the too hasty announce- 
ment of his approaching marriage might affect disas- 
trously, her curiosity was roused to such a pitch she sought 
a private interview with Mrs. Islip. She returned from 
this interview in a frame of mind but little removed from 
insanity. Ho sleep came to her relief, and in the middle 


296 Three Fair Philanthropists 

of the night, as she was tossing to and fro, she asked her 
husband : 

‘^Tuftus, how many more people twice as extravagant as 
Eay will our income support 

'^What did you say?^^ responded her husband^ sleepily, 
and then added on recovering consciousness: 

^^Don^t poke me so viciously/^ 

After Mrs. Mettle repeated her question, he replied : 

^^One more person twice as extravagant as Eay would 
send us all to the poorhouse, afoot, without even a wheel- 
barrow to carry your cedar chest for furs and party dresses. 
But what makes you ask such a queer question? Have 
you heard anything unfavorable about our son-in-law 
elect ?^^ 

^^How should I hear anything about him? There’s 
nobody that knows except Mrs. Islip, and she does not 
deign to call. I was just thinking, in case we wished 
to adopt a child after Eay leaves us.” 

^^Before you think of adopting outsiders, you had better 
wait and see how many grandchildren you will have who 
may need adopting.” 

H never knew a man who so delighted to trifle with 
solemn subjects,” snapped his wife. 

Mrs. Mettle did not find her task made any easier by 
her interview with Mrs. Islip. She was given informa- 
tion concerning her daughter’s fiance which made her turn 
cold with apprehension, yet she obtained it in such a man- 
ner that she could not use it to any advantage without 
telling where it was gained. She had succeeded in putting 
Mrs. Islip on her guard, however, which was an advantage, 
for Mrs. Islip had a better chance to interfere with the 
movements of the honorable gentleman. What Mrs. Mettle 
could do was done, as the reader will observe in the fol- 
lowing instance. 


Discomforts of a Secret Engagement 297 

“I thought you were going to the football game, Eay,” 
her friend Miss Bounds said. 

did think of it/^ Miss Mettle replied, ^^ut gave it 

up.” 

She did not add as she truthfully might that she gave it 
up because she waited in vain for Mr. Grout to keep his 
appointment to take her, hut she asked casually: 

^^Did you have a pleasant time and were many there?” 

^^Oh, yes,” replied her friend, had a very exciting 
game and every one was there — the McDuffys, the Strongs, 
Mrs. Edgarton, Mrs. Bounce and her son. Miss Denny 
and Mr. Grout. By the way, some one asked me this 
afternoon, if I knew that Mr. Grout was engaged to Miss 
Denny. Is that a fact? Seems to me I have seen them 
out a great deal together lately.” 

Miss Mettle replied briefly that she did not know, while 
if any one had been watching her mother they would have 
seen her bright black eyes snapping with excitement, know- 
ing as she did that she had been the means of sending Mr. 
Grout over to Miss Denny’s. 

The methods Mrs. Islip employed to cause him to miss 
a number of appointments, were simple but effective. She 
had Mr. Carter prepare writing and when she had an ink- 
ling that her beloved son-in-law was putting extra touches 
on his toilet preparatory to seeking the home of Miss 
Mettle she presented herself all smiles and good humor 
before him, asking that he do this important writing, so 
important that it could only be trusted to a member of the 
family, for her. By a judicious reference to the expenses 
of the impending lawsuit as well as to his highness’s cur- 
rent outlays, which were far from trifling, including as 
they did flowers and confectionery given with the lavish 
hand befitting the son-in-law of a rich woman, she contrived 
to extort a gloomy assent to her proposition. But soon she 


298 Three Fair Philanthropists 

found the gloomy assent and the position at the desk were 
only assumed while she was on hand to enforce them. If 
she was called off, the gloom and the man immediately 
vanished. One afternoon when she knew he would be more 
than ever anxious to be present at Miss Mettle’s she ap- 
peared with writing of extra importance, requiring extra 
haste in its completion. She informed her dear son-in- 
law that she would be in her boudoir and when he fin- 
ished the writing, he might bring it in to her. That was 
an intimation that she would be in her room with the door 
open commanding a view of his means of entry and exit, 
and therefore removing all possibility of flight. A caller 
was announced shortly after this and feeling sure that 
her son-in-law would hail this person as a deliverer and 
manage a successful escape, she said to her grandson: 

^^Koundout, Mummer Islip has to go downstairs to a 
caller; now she wants her little boy to sit here,” and she' 
indicated a chair taking in a view down the hall of the 
door to his father’s apartment, ^^and if that door opens 
press this button so mummer may know when Papa Grout 
is leaving.” 

^^Ess, I will. Mummer Islip, and Papa Grout s’an’t leave 
n’out you say he s’all.” And the beautiful curls bobbed 
emphatically, and the little fellow was as much excited as 
though he had been asked to watch for a piratical ship in 
mid ocean. 

He sat in the chair indicated by his grandmother until 
she had been gone about a minute and he commenced to 
hear certain movements from his father’s room, then his 
excitement increased so he could not sit still. He got up 
and tiptoed down the hall. Yes, that was the opening 
of his father’s upper drawer and the little fellow jumped 
softly up and down as he said to himself: 

^^e’s bussing his hairs and he sinks he’s goin’ all evwy 


Discomforts of a Secret Engagement 299 

bit away n’out Mummer Islip knowing, but he s’an^t! he 
s’an^t! he sWtP 

Presently the door the boy was watching opened very 
softly and Mr. Grout issued forth. He was so occupied 
in his noiseless motions he did not see the lad and the first 
intimation of his presence came in feeling his coat tails 
clutched and in hearing: 

^^You s’an’t go, Mummer Islip says! you shan’t go!’^ 

^‘You rascal, you will tear my coat 1^’ hissed Mr. Grout, 
for he did not want to speak loud. ^^Let go and I will 
give you some nice candy.^' 

“I don’t want any candy, besides, you owe me for six 
times.” 

Mrs. Islip below heard with great satisfaction, a series 
of rollings and tumblings, then her grandson appeared at 
the parlor door half crying and saying between his sobs : 

'Tapa Grout he just hate (hurt) me awful.” 

^^Did he, my precious lamb?” cried Mrs. Islip, opening 
her arms for the boy to run into. ^^And what have we 
here? One of Papa Grout’s coat tails? Ha! ha! ha!” 

^^Ess, Papa Grout fought he was going to get off n’out 
your lettin’ him ; but I said he s’an’t and now of course he 
couldn’t !” 

We have it from the best authority that ^^the course of 
true love never did run smooth,” and if the not running 
smooth proves that there is true love, surely the affection 
existing between Mr. Grout and Miss Mettle must have been 
monstrously true; for to say that it did not run smooth 
conveys but a feeble idea of the multitudinous snares and 
snags that interrupted its onward progress. 


300 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


CHAPTER XXVIII. 

THE CLOISTER RECEPTION’. 

Miss Mettle found herself supported through many 
of the discomforts of her secret engagement by the thought 
of her mother’s disapproval; but her equanimity was not 
equal to the strain of being disappointed by her lover on 
public occasions and Miss Denny receiving the credit of 
being engaged, which belonged to herself. The reception 
to be given in honor of the opening of the building, al- 
luded to from time to time, which Eector Dunraven was 
having erected for his philanthropic work, and called the 
cloister, was an event to which Miss Mettle had been look- 
ing forward, with the rest of her set. On this occasion 
Miss Mettle thought perhaps Miss Eounds might have 
her eyes opened as to whom Mr. Grout really was en- 
gaged. That is to say. Miss Mettle was intending to have 
it appear that at least he was paying her marked atten- 
tion. 

Through the elaborate lectures of his revered holiness, 
the Eector Mortimer Augustus Dunraven, as well as 
through the discussions of Miss Nevins and the rest of 
the ecclesiastic’s feminine admirers, the gay fashionable 
world had been kept in just the right frame of mind to 
be interested in the completion of the building and anxious 
to be included either on th^ board of trustees, list of 
patrons and patronesses, or at least given an invitation to 
the formal opening. 

ITow, if my reader would like to know what course the 
rector pursued in order to keep these people in the right 


The Cloister Reception 301 

frame of mind, I would like to refer them to the above 
mentioned lectures, where they will observe the great prom- 
inence he gives to the present deplorable effect of city life 
on man and womankind and the mysterious effect that will 
be wrought upon that condition by a season of cloister 
life. Vagueness, mystery — we all know how much larger 
and more portentous objects look with a mist enveloping 
them — a dog takes on the proportions of a lion; a board 
fence the impassable ramparts of a frowning fort. To 
Miss ISTevins and her afflicted sisterhood suffering from 
cold feet, weak nerves and contrary relatives, whose mild 
objections to the barked shins, and black and blue spots, 
the result of altar scrubbings, were construed into perse- 
cutions, the prospect of such a place as the cloister to which 
to retire seemed delightful. 

In conversation v/ith these young ladies a stranger re- 
ceived confused ideas of the benefits to be derived from 
such a life, as a man declared who had engaged in a long 
talk on the subject. His forehead was one mass of 
wrinkles and he slapped his knee, saying.: 

^^Bless my soul ! I canT make out whether it’s a g}^m- 
nasium, a convent, a sanitarium, a natatorium, an Indian 
bungalow, a Grecian lyoeum, an Egyptian portico, a Moor- 
ish mosque, a Turkish play house, a Catholic conventicle, a 
Syrian shrine, or an English club house !” 

But it was this uncertainty that gave piquancy to the 
whole affair and caused the gay fashionables to order 
elaborate toilettes for the occasion, and the event occurring 
on the day before Christmas, a gift of some kind was also 
deemed indispensable to a correct outfit. These gifts 
might have been of smaller value, had not Mrs. Islip’s 
maid on her afternoon out, while in conference with Mrs. 
Griffin’s maid, found that the latter was intending to give 
a bust of herself worth three hundred dollars, while Mrs. 


302 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


Islip was only intending to give pieces of silver worth one 
hundred and fifty dollars. When Mrs. Islip heard how 
nearly she came to being overtaken by the calamity of 
being outdone by a lady whom she was far from holding 
in high esteem she ordered an entire service in sterling 
silver lined with gold and costing eighteen hundred dol- 
lars. Her maid then being able to go abroad ^^and hold 
up her head,” as she said, not only held up her head, but 
also the superior generosity of her mistress, to the great 
profit of all dealers in silverware and church and altar 
furnishings and antique bric-a-brac. 

That Christmas-tide poor relatives sent their notes of 
thanks for gifts of chalices, crucifixes, candelabra, cro- 
siers and the like to the wrong person. They should 
have been addressed to Mrs. Islip’s maid, for it was owing 
to her influence that the gay fashionables had an extra sup- 
ply of these articles on hand, which must be disposed of in 
some way and what more delightfully satisfactory way than 
to feel that one has been thrifty and benevolent at one and 
the same time? 

The Keetor had prepared a very elaborate order of ex- 
ercise, as was his custom. There had been erected an 
impromptu throne in the largest room in the building, ar- 
ranged by covering a high-backed chair with cloth of gold 
and making a canopy of the same material to hang over 
it. Upon this elevation, his revered holiness, the Eector 
Mortimer Augustus Dunraven, seated himself, and the 
color of his surroundings together with the naturally 
bilious shade of his complexion, made one think of the ob- 
ject of worship which Aaron set up for the children of 
Israel in the wilderness of Sinai, the difference between 
them being that Aaron’s calf had not the temerity 
to set himself up for an object of worship. 

A procession was formed of the various under priests^ 


303 


The Cloister Reception 

acolytes, choir boys and incense bearers, arrayed in gor- 
geous vestments, the bills for which remained unpaid, a 
fact that doubtless helped to add to the bilious shade of 
the rector’s complexion. This company was to make the 
circuit of the place singing, waving their censers and 
playing upon the cornet, the flute, the sackbut, the psalterj 
and the dulcimer, instruments of ancient worship which 
the rector had introduced because of their picturesque ap- 
pearance, notwithstanding the fact that the music they 
evolved was atrocious. 

When the procession had completed its first circuit, 
although it had been formed half an hour late, there were 
so few of the gay fashionables present that the rector gave 
the signal to make the circuit a second time, as he did not 
wish to waste the sweetness of his discourse on the desert 
air of few listeners. And right here the author would 
beg leave to make a digression in order to state for the 
beneflt of those aspiring to rank with the gay fashionables 
that it is impossible for a person to consider him or her- 
self eligible for such a lofty station in life unless able 
to pledge one’s self to be uniformly and ever-increas- 
ingly late wherever invited. There was an agreement 
made between two ladies once upon a time to meet at 
a given hour and place. They both arrived on time and 
one expressed surprise that the other had been so prompt. 
The other replied in an astonished manner: 

‘^Why should you be surprised that I am here on time ? 
Did you not know that I was a lady ?” 

This matter of being late in keeping engagements is 
one of the many distinguishing marks between the true 
gentleman and lady and the gay fashionable. By the 
time the procession started on its second round the number 
of flnely polished carriages and horses with gold and silver 
mounted harnesses drawn up before the carved stone en- 


304 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


trance and the roadway forming the approach was rapidly 
increasing, so that one was made to think of billows of 
shiny blackness. 

Quite a disturbance was made in the arrangement of 
these billows after the commencement of the rector’s 
discourse by the appearance of a span of horses showing 
hard driving in the foam covering their breasts and 
sides. 

^Taix, man! drive on and let me be afther havin’ a 
chance at the steps/’ called the driver of this carriage, 
whom we recognize to be Mrs. Mettle’s coachman. 

In order to explain the lateness of this arrival it will 
be necessary to narrate a few occurrences that trans- 
pired in the Mettle household during the morning, previ- 
ous to the hour mentioned for the cloister reception, which 
was high noon, the rector’s high church proclivities extend- 
ing even to his choice of hour for this magnificent event. 

There had been time enough and the occasion was con- 
sidered one of so much importance that both Mrs. and Miss 
]\Iettle had ordered Paris gowns from a rival of Worth’s. 
That gentleman had received new ideas of Americans and 
their requirements after reading Mrs. Mettle’s order for 
the dresses, which ran as follows: 

^Tlease send two gowns of a gorgeous, high ritualistic 
coloring, to be worn at an event combining elements 
philanthropic, spiritual and fashionable” (in one note she 
had written fashionable first, but she thought the order 
looked better reversed). ^^One dress” (and she gave her 
daughter’s measurements) 'T should like of such a char- 
acter that it might be worn by a bishop’s wife at the 
induction of her husband into holy orders as well as for 
the event above mentioned.” 

With the dresses Mrs. Mettle received the accompanying 
reply, which being interpreted, read: 


The Cloister Reception 


305 


^^Madam: The ingenuity of man is finite as well as 
the rest of him. I have tried to do the best I could in 
making the combinations — philanthropic, spiritual and 
fashionable — ^you required for the one event. I felt my 
reason would give way if I taxed myself to make any 
more combinations so as to take in the two occasions you 
mention. If you are satisfied with these dresses and 
should care to have me attempt another for the solemn 
and imposing ceremonial you mention I am sure you 
would never regret it. I have the faculty, my customers 
tell me, of putting more depth of feeling and variety of 
expression into the sweep of my train dresses than anj 
other living artiste modistique, and I would enter into 
the task of constructing — I might say creating — such a 
gown with the abandon and en rapport of true genius.^^ 

The time had not arrived to answer this epistle but only 
to try on the artist’s first productions. This she did with 
a heavy heart, for afiairs were assuming a dismal turn for 
consummating her hopes. She felt she had struggled 
bravely, but she was not sure that she was not to be 
overcome. She had not been able to interrupt the ar- 
rangements made between her daughter and Mr. Grout 
for attending the reception together, and Tuftus having 
found out how she had sent him off for the football game, 
had forbidden any repetition of such proceedings. 

''N'importe, Madame,” her new French maid said to 
her as she saw her dejected looks. ^Tt must not be dat 
vous regardez si pensive si trieste. It makes wrong de 
color of dis robe.” 

^Tt’s of no consequence any more about what color my 
dress is. I shall soon be robed for the tomb — the sooner 
the ' better. I have nothing to live for, with my only 
child about to throw herself away on a beggar, and my 


306 Three Fair Philanthropists 

husband turned against me and plotting with my daughter 
to hasten her destruction.” 

madame, cdmment horrible! Voila une larme! 
it goes to make a stain on de front breaths — better death 
dan une calamity, comme ga!” 

wish I might weep in peace without your jumping 
so as to scare the wits out of me !” replied Mrs. Mettle, her 
annoyance assuaging her grief. “1 have a great mind to 
dip the whole gown in brine!” 

But there being no time to carry out this dreadful 
threat, Mrs. Mettle submitted to having the remainder 
of her toilet made in silence. 

It was a sure proof of her spirits being very low that she 
seemed to derive not one gleam of satisfaction from 
her completed attire, wherein the man of genius had ar- 
ranged effects in colors, and curves in drapery and pecu- 
liarities in design to satisfy the requirements of the occa- 
sion. She had an extra supply of cosmetic put on her 
nose to obliterate all trace of previous emotion and to 
allow of a little in the future, if it was necessary, without 
betraying her by a tell-tale redness. 

Perhaps it was due to the fact of her spending too 
much time in this way, that, inquiring the hour, she has- 
tened into her carriage without her present. Certain it 
was that her coachman had driven half way to her des- 
tination before she recollected her omission and called 
for a return. 

She would not listen to the footman’s going for the 
parcel, although she could have told him the exact spot 
where he could have found it. Neither would she allow 
James or Katie to go upstairs for her. Something 
seemed to impel her to go herself, and when she got to her 
room, to stop and listen for sounds from her daughter’s 
room. There was no necessity of any long pause to be 


The Cloister Reception 


307 


assured that some one was there, for excited footsteps 
were pacing up and down, and Mrs. Mettle determined 
to seek an explanation. 

She found her daughter with a pair of scissors cutting 
up a handkerchief, her course across the room strewed 
with the remnants of a felt hat, a towel, and a silk apron. 
The points of her scissors coming very near her dress, Mrs. 
Mettle exclaimed: 

^^Take care there, Eay, you will ruin your dress 

^^What difference would that make ?” returned the 
younger woman almost fiercely. ^^Are not my plans 
ruined, my wishes unheeded, and myself exposed to 
ridicule? I tell you I could cut up this dress, those cur- 
tains and this carpet, and my feelings not be half ex- 
pressed then.^’ 

^^Oh, well, Kay dear, don’t try to express them in that 
way,” replied her mother, whose teeth were almost 
chattering from fear of her daughter in her present 
mood. ^Think how expensive it would be, and how much 
you need the money for the girls’ club!” 

^^Do you know any reason for my disappointment this 
morning, mother?” asked Miss Mettle, looking at her 
relative out of her cold, steely eyes as though she was using 
them for chisels to pry out of her mother’s inner con- 
sciousness something which should throw light on the 
subject. 

'Tndeed, I do not, Kay ! Just as true as I’m standing 
here. I have known heretofore, but this time, believe me, 
I have no idea? But what are you doing?” 

She asked this question in view of her daughter’s be- 
ginning to take her dress off and unfasten the jewels 
from her arms and neck. 

'T am going to bed 1” 

"'Oh, nonsense, to bed! and have Miss Denny coming 


308 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


over and condoling with yon and then hinting that you’re 
suffering from a broken heart ! You know as well as I do 
that she will/’ urged Mrs. Mettle. 

"What can I do then?” asked Miss Mettle helplessly. 

"Get on your things and look your very best and go 
with me. Laugh and talk as though you were having a 
good time, even if you are not. Perhaps your fiance will 
be there to explain his delinquency.” 

"My fiance, indeed. He is that no longer! I vow 
that if he was the last man on the earth and unless I 
married him I should return to dust as a spinster 

"Oh, Ray, don’t !” sobbed her mother, interrupting the 
sentence. "Don’t unnerve us by drawing such terrible 
pictures of the future. You are not — and never will be 
a but I can't speak the name.” 

It was a comfort to Miss Mettle to have her mind dis- 
tracted by the hurry and bustle of the next few minutes. 
Mrs. Mettle’s French maid and Katie, and even Mrs. Met- 
tle herself, assisted in rearranging the disturbed toilet, 
and together mother and daughter entered the waiting 
carriage and the coachman received orders to drive his 
fastest. 

"You will probably make it all up when you see Mr. 
Grout !” Mrs. Mettle said, more with a view to urging her 
daughter to cherish her feelings of animosity than really 
with any faith in what she said. 

"Indeed, the engagement is broken, mother, and noth- 
ing will ever make it up ! I do not intend to listen to any 
excuse that may be made !” 

That was about all the conversation that occurred on 
the drive between the Mettles’ home and the cloister. 

"And ye’s niver seed nater speed than that, Mike, me 
b’y!” exclaimed Timothy, the coachman, proudly, after 
the ladies had left the carriage. 


The Cloister Reception 309 

^^Very nate, indeed returned Mike, ^^but youVe nigh 
busted your bosses to make it 

^^Not at all, at all!’^ replied Timothy, I drive on 
t’other side of the building out of the wind.” 

In order to do this the waves of shiny blackness, made 
up of the many carriages already assembled, had to be 
breasted, and in some cases their drivers roused to speech 
of an uncomplimentary nature. 

Mrs. Mettle and her daughter were almost the last to 
make their appearance, but their attire was of such a 
striking character they were considered by no means the 
least important, if one might judge from the observation 
they attracted. 

‘^Oh, Eay, I feel so mortified to think we did not bring 
a larger present, or else have what we did bring done up 
in a larger box,” Mrs. Mettle whispered as they were being 
ushered in preceded by a tall, imposing functionary, at- 
tired in powdered wig and bright continental regimentals, 
and bearing a large silver waiter, almost lost upon which 
was the inkstand Mrs. Mettle had grudgingly bought. 

^Tt would not have made any difference, you see, what 
kind of a box it had been done up in,” returned her daugh- 
ter, looking toward the long table upon which the rich 
gifts were arranged and seeing their present unrolled and 
placed on exhibition with the others. 

The ladies’ rich brocades and velvets rustled and their 
jewels tinkled as they sank from their seats on to their 
knees, ostensibly for their devotions, but in reality to give 
their feelings of mortification a little time to pass away. 

The rector, Mortimer Augustus Dunraven, was in the 
midst of his address. And that was as full of over-soul 
and under-soul and betwixt-and-between-soul as ever. If 
any one of a metaphysical turn of mind had cared to un- 
dertake to ponder the problem why the rector had so little 


310 


Three Fair Philatnhropists 


soul himself there might have been great help in arriving 
at a conclusion in considering the fact of his writing so 
much of his soul out on paper for the benefit of his female 
admirers; consequently there could not be much left for 
other emergencies. Besides this ingredient, the rector’s 
speech abounded in laudations. His congregation, his 
wardens, his vestrymen, their ingenuity, their persever- 
ance, their munificence, their untiring regard for him- 
self, all received such touching mention, and the glory 
of the erection and completion of the building was so deli- 
cately yet emphatically laid at their door that at the close 
of the exercises Mr. Islip slapped his friend Denny on 
the shoulder and said : 

‘^1 declare, old fellow, I’m rather proud than other- 
wise of this enterprise !” 

^^Why, yes; so am I,” returned Mr. Denny. ‘Tiet me 
see — was it you or I who started this thing ? Ha, ha, ha ! 
te, he, he !” 

guess the honor belongs to both of us,” returned 
Mr. Islip. ^^You remember when we were returning from 
Jersey City, where we had expected to see that prize fight 
which the police interrupted, I said ought to have 
some place where we could retire from the world for a 
season, and you agreed with me, eh, Denny? And here 
we are celebrating the completion of that ‘long-felt want,’ 
that boon to the weary, careworn spirit which our es- 
teemed rector has been talking about so eloquently.” 

"'Ho, ho, ho! ha, ha, ha! te, he, he! Jove, Islip, but 
you’re a bright one!” 

There were other wardens and vestrymen who seemed 
to find it equally pleasant to have the honor of suggest- 
ing the enterprise and carrying it out laid at their door, 
but Mr. Bowman did not belong to the number. Mr. 
Bowman said he was a plain, old-fashioned man, and 


311 


The Cloister Reception 

hence he’d been brought up to believe that the best place 
for a man or woman was in a home of some kind, either 
their own or some one’s else, and he’ added he did not 
know that he could have taken time to be present if he 
had not been very short of money for the Christmas tree 
at the Mission next week. 

Mr. Denny handed him fifty cents. Mr. Bowman kept 
the fifty cents in his open palm, and said: 

‘^Now, brethren, let us draw up around this table, 
where is an eighteen-hundred-dollar silver set and a three- 
hundred-dollar bust and a five-hundred-dollar crucifix and 
a thousand-dollar tankard, and all the other costly pres- 
ents (not including the inkstand). You can look at them 
first, and from them gaze at the fifty cents in my palm. 
I’ll place a quarter by its side, as that will be the entire 
amount I have succeeded in raising by earning up here, 
and you will have as fine an object lesson — I need not 
mention on what subject — as could be desired.” 

All during the address, the music which followed and 
the gradual disappearance of the shiny black waves out- 
side the building, as their owners stepped into them and 
were rolled homeward, Mrs. Mettle had been grappling 
with the difiSculties of her position. Hers was a mind that 
was seldom at peace, but just now there might be said to 
be raging within more of a tempest in a teapot than usual. 
It was not soothing to her perturbed feelings to pass 
around the table on which the gifts were placed, and her 
(laughter suggested their immediate return. But neither 
did she care to do that. 

Miss Denny came up and said to Miss Mettle : 

H am surprised to see you here alone !” 

^^She is not alone,” returned the mother quickly, am 
with her. Do you mean to say I count for nothing?” 


312 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


‘‘Oh, by no means, Mrs. Mettle. I was only thinking 
of her usual masculine escort and wondering why he was 
not with her,” replied Miss Denny, laughing. 

“Do you mean Kipp Grassey?” innocently asked Mrs. 
Mettle. 

“Ko, I do not mean Kipp Grassey. Eay knows whom I 
mean.” 

“But I do not see why it should be any more surpris- 
ing that he, if you mean Mr. Grout, is not with me than 
that he is not with you,” returned Eay coldly. 

“Oh, you should not? Perhaps it is not any more sur- 
prising. I did not mention the subject with any inten- 
tion of making you mad. But if you will get mad, why, 
you will, I suppose,” and Miss Denny flounced off to talk 
to some one else. 

All this time, amid the waves of mortification, doubt, 
apprehension and longing that were surging in Mrs. Met- 
tle’s breast she kept her eye (perhaps a seaman would 
have called it her weather eye) on the movements of the 
rector. She managed it so that he should not come up 
and speak to them till nearly every one had departed ; then 
she greeted him with great cordiality and begged to be 
shown over the building. The rector was delighted to do 
this, as there were a great many other things beside cru- 
cifixes and tankards and silver dinner sets and inkstands 
and candelabra necessary for the comfortable furnishing of 
his cloister, and perhaps Mrs. Mettle might be moved to 
offer to get some of them. There was a feeling of embar- 
rassment between himself and Miss Mettle which wore off 
like mist under the sun of Mrs. Mettle’s genial prattle. 
The cloister contained, like its namesake of the middle 
ages, long corridors, some of them with one side open to 
an inner courtyard for summer use and others entirely 
covered, for winter weather. The ladies remarked upon 


313 


The Cloister Reception 

the tessellated pavements forming the floors of all these 
corridors, and the rector replied: 

^^Yes, I expect to come up and bless these pavements 
every week, and then the cloisterettes, as I propose to call 
the female inmates of the cloister, can pursue their in- 
vestigations on the subject of altar cleansing and scrub- 
bing the same here as if they were at home/^ 

The views from the windows of the different rooms 
were not particularly striking or novel, as they all opened 
on a courtyard. There were no outside apertures, though 
there were false blinds, which kept the building from hav- 
ing a singular appearance. 

‘T think I will come up here myself!” exclaimed Miss 
Mettle. 

The rector approved of this resolution, but Mrs. Mettle 
was in despair. While Eay was earnestly talking over the 
necessary outfit for a residence in the cloister the idea 
came into her mind that a good way out of her trouble was 
to signify to the rector that there was no time like the 
present for him to make the proposition that he had been 
holding himself prepared to make for some time past. She 
found an opportunity to suggest this without her daugh- 
ter’s knowledge while passing through the hall from one 
room to another. The rector, however, did not act on her 
suggestion, and they were fast arriving at the part of the 
building where they commenced, with only one room left 
for them to be shown over. Mrs. Mettle was feeling des- 
perate. Surely the moment had come for her to act speed- 
ily and with decision. While the rector and her daughter 
were pursuing their friendly conversation she turned on 
the gentleman a look full of meaning and left the room. 
Miss Mettle did not hear, but a certain little grating 
sound of the key turning in the lock made a profound im- 
pression on the rector. 


314 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


he thought to himself, probably never should 
have arrived at that frame of mind when I should have 
made the proposal without some such impelling action. I 
may as well take advantage of the opportunity thus of- 
fered.’^ 

The rector was sorry that his motions were hampered by 
the richly embroidered vestments which his vanity had 
induced him to wear longer than ceremony required. For 
it would make his movements uncertain about getting 
down and up from his knees. But a man of the rectoFs 
high-church views would not think of making a proposal 
other than from a posture. 

Probably if he had not been so solicitous about not soil- 
ing and not straining his robe he would have given more 
thought to what he was saying and not have startled Miss 
Mettle by his abruptness. As it was, he selected a spot 
because it was the cleanest, which happened to be at Miss 
Mettle’s left side, nearer her back, and, dropping into a 
kneeling posture with such care as he could, he said, 
grasping Miss Mettle’s hand: 

‘‘Will you be my wife?” 

“Oh, mercy, what did you say? How you frightened 
me !” exclaimed Miss Mettle. “I thought you had a sud- 
den attack of something. But what did you say ?” 

“I asked you if you would be my wife?” returned the 
rector, still glued to the floor. 

“Oh, thank you, no ; not to-day ; or, that is to say, I be- 
lieve not. If you don’t mind, I will wait.” 

“Oh, certainly,” returned the rector, struggling to his 
feet, “Just as you wish.” 

They advanced to the door and tried the knob. It 
was locked fast, but after turning it several times there 
came Mrs. Mettle’s voice through the keyhole: 

“My dear rector, can I make the announcement?” 


The Cloister Reception 


315 


^^Madam, your daughter has refused me,” returned the 
church dignitary with some heat. 

only asked him to wait,” explained Miss Mettle. 

^^Ray,” returned her mother sternly, ^Hhe time has 
passed for dilly-dallying and shilly-shallying. I shall not 
turn the key in this door and let you out until you give 
the rector a decided ^yes.^ ” 

Was there any resisting the determined resolution of the 
little woman at the door? Both Miss Mettle and the 
rector thought not and surrendered at discretion. The 
following day the overjoyed mother issued cards for the 
announcement party to be held one week after the holi- 
days. 


316 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


CHAPTER XXIX. 

CONTRASTING SCENES. 

Mr. Bowman^s object lesson presented to his brethren 
in the last chapter is deserving of attentive consideration 
by philanthropists of every description, fair or belonging 
to the sterner sex, by philanthropic slap-dashers or those 
displaying more deliberation and sense in their gifts. In 
order to emphasize the truths he wished to impart, as well 
as to furnish a brave contrast to those scenes of august 
pomp and munificent expenditure, the author feels con- 
strained in this chapter to take her readers to that humble 
work of beneficence already visited and known as the 
^^Mission of the Holy Madonna in Heaven.” 

Willie, my dear boy, you must not use the green so 
freely,” Mrs. Thatcher called out the day before Christ- 
mas as she appeared at the door of the room where several 
of the children were busy winding laurel and evergreen 
for decorations. ^^Look here at the way J ohnnie is making 
his bundle last and the long string there is of it.” 

^^Yes, Mamma Thatch, it is long but it is very lean. 
Now, I don’t like lean Christmas greens.” 

^^ut if you don’t have them that way,” returned Lame 
Johnnie gravely, ^They won’t go round.” 

"'Didn’t God grow enough greens for us this year. 
Mamma Thatch; he has other years?” asked Willie. 

Mrs. Thatcher sighed as she thought of how many things 
besides greens had ceased to grow as plentifully as in past 
years for them. But not wishing her depression to be con- 
tagious she said brightly: 


317 


Contrasting Scenes 

‘TTes, Willie, God has grown plenty of greens; there 
is never any leanness or meanness in the way He prepares 
His bounties for His children, bless His holy name, but 
perhaps He has noticed in the years past we have not used 
His gifts for His glory as much as we ought and so this 
year He allows us to be pinched that we may be reminded 
of our duty/’ 

^That’s so for me and Willie, Mamma Thatch!” ex- 
claimed Lame J ohnnie, ^^but you don’t need reminding, for 
you are always doing everything for His glory.” 

Mrs. Thatcher bent over and kissed Johnnie’s pale, 
sober face. 

^Terhaps not everything as He would have me,” she an- 
swered. 

‘^Oh, yes, I’m sure you do everything for His glory 
and 

Lame Johnnie paused, uncertain whether to continue. 

^^And what, Johnnie?” asked Mrs. Thatcher tenderly, 
for the boy’s remarks were ofttimes quaint and full of 
a wisdom beyond his years. 

^^And to please Mr. Bowman; and surely God would 
want him pleased when he does so much for us. But I 
tell you. Mamma Thatch, what he does is nothing to what 
Fm going to do when I get to be a man and my hip stops 
paining me. I’m going to be a policeman and earn lots 
of money, mor’n tweny-five cents a week” (that is what 
he received for various little duties, ^^maybe a whole dol- 
lar I And I’m going to give it all to you. Then I’m go- 
ing to watch over you night and day with a club.” 

^^Maybe you’d let it fall on her an’ n’en it would hate 
(hurt) her!” chimed in Willie. 

^^No, I wouldn’t, Willie Crosby,” replied Johnnie indig- 
nantly. ^Tf I let it fall it would be on such little boys 
as you, who use more green than they are told. Look 


318 


Three Fair Philanthropists 

how thick you are making your string after Mamma Thatch 
told you not to 

^^Be careful, children cried Mrs. Thatcher, as she dis- 
appeared, in answer to calls for direction and guidance 
in other parts of the building. 

There was hurry and bustle everywhere, more so on 
account of a Christmas tree having been sent in just at 
the last moment by a neighboring saloon keeper, the one 
by the w^ay, who supplied Mr. Crosby with his soul-destroy- 
ing beverages. The man probably patted himself on the 
back and informed all his intimate friends of his benevo- 
lence. A Christmas tree for the privilege of helping a 
man lose his immortal soul ! Surely that is a bargain to 
make all the devils in hell laugh ! 

There was no money to buy trimmings for the tree, so 
Mrs. Thatcher put on her things and called on several 
ladies of the ^^Chapel of the Holy Madonna in Heaven, to 
enquire if they could help her. They gladly promised. 
They would send tree ornaments and toys, plenty of 
them, if she wanted. 

^^Bless my soul!” exclaimed Mr. Bowman, coming in 
to look around before it was dark. ^^You have a rare 
collection of glassware and tinsel on that tree now, haven’t 
you ?” 

^^Hush; don’t let any of the children hear you making 
fun,” replied Mrs. Thatcher. 

^^ell, I never saw such a number of one-legged and 
one-winged cherubs in my life before. Why, I do not 
think,” he continued after going carefully around, ^^you 
have one single whole, entire, unbroken, fresh-looking or- 
nament on the tree, have you?” 

^^ell, yes, there is the pop corn,” replied Mrs. 
Thatcher. 

^^And that you provided yourself. It’s enough to extract 


Contrasting Scenes 


319 


profanity from a parson ! If I had a camera I would 
have pictures of it struck off to send to every one in the 
church. And then to think of the table loaded with ex- 
travagant, senseless gifts at the cloister yesterday. You 
should have been there to have seen them!^^ 

^^Thank you, no. It is hard enough for me to maintain 
a Christ-like, forgiving spirit, and see as much as I do. 
I would not dare undertake any greater burden by seeing 
more,” replied Mrs. Thatcher. 

^^How are the toys? Have you looked over them? I 
suppose they are similar to the ornaments?” 

have not had time to look at many of them,” replied 
Mrs. Thatcher evasively. 

Who shall be able to estimate the good from Christmas 
joys to people whose lot in life is full of so much sorrow? 
Mrs. Thatcher believed in Christmas so thoroughly that 
she created an atmosphere of expectation which permeated 
every nook and cranny of the buildings and filled the hearts 
of old and young — a kind of divine expectancy which was 
on the lookout not so much for the ^‘loaves and fishes” 
as for the spiritual blessings which first came to the 
world on Christmas day. 

If it had not been for this hold that Mrs. Thatcher 
had on the hearts of the people, the enterprise would have 
suffered during the past months of neglect and hardships. 
But, as it was, her mothers^ class appreciated that, when 
the funds were so low there could no sewing be given out, 
they were receiving what money could not buy when 
they received the love and sympathy and the words of 
comfort and warning that Mrs. Thatcher gave to each 
one as she needed, and their numbers never grew less. 

^^Ah, she has been sech a comfort to me!” exclaimed 
Widow Browsen, after one of the mothers’ meetings, speak- 
ing to her neighbor, Mrs., Flipps, about Mrs. Thatcher. 


320 Three Fair Philanthropists 

'^Sech a comfort ! If she hadn’t done anything more for 
me than to learn me to feel whin I conld noways git any- 
thing but taters to eat that they were the healthiest, best 
food possible^g^o much better than the hunger bread the poor 
starving Eusslans have to live on, made of ground weeds 
and tree bark thickened wid sand, I should be terrible 
grateful. But there’s no end to the good lessons she 
learns us. I don’t get made cross and snappish by my 
work since she has told us how the money we get for our 
work is the poorest part of the good it brings us. That 
we ought to learn patience and a lot of other things from 
jest simple washin’ and ironin’ and scrubbin’. And since 
it’s been brought to my notice I find it’s a blessed thing to 
be on the lookout to see what new grace the new day’s 
trials will help us to grow. This morning when Katie 
upset the dust pan in my kettle of starch I come mighty 
nigh not havin’ anything grow but a box on Katie’s ear 
and a bad crop of hard names. But as soon as I got ^Oh 

you ’ out I stopped short off and I jest learnt the best 

lesson in forbearance you ever see !” 

At last the time came for the children and their parents 
to assemble for the Christmas tree. Mr. Bowman was 
lighting the last little red candle on the tiptop of the 
pyramid of green as the doors were opened and a chorus 
of "oh, how pitty !” and "ah, how splendid !” rewarded his 
efforts. 

Lame J ohnnie’s eyes beamed and his sober face was lit 
up by a rare smile. 

"Isn’t that beautiful. Mamma Thatch ?” he asked, grasp- 
ing her hand. "Do you think the golden candlestick in 
the New Jerusalem will be ahead of it?” 

"I’d most as soon have some of dose pitty candles as 
God’s stars, only p’aps dey’d go out sooner,” cried a little 
five-year-old lassie. 


321 


Contrasting Scenes 

^^When I^m a man,” said Willie Crosby resolutely, 
going to have a Kismiss tree every day.” 

^^Oh, Willie, may I come?” ^^and I?” ‘^and I?” asked one 
and another of the children, who heard this resolution and 
thought how delightful such a state of affairs would be. 

‘I don^t know whether you could or not; p’aps you’d 
be dead,” returned the practical boy. 

^^Oh, w^ell, den dey’d have something a great deal better 
dan Christmus trees. Mamma Thatch says dey’d have 
Jesus, and she says if it hadn’t been for Him we would 
not have had any Christmus trees, nor nuffin’.” 

^^Come, children, attention this way !” said Mrs. 
Thatcher. ^^Let us have your carol !” 

All together they sang Mrs. Eliot’s beautiful hymn: 

There came a little Child to earth 
Long ago. 

And angels of God proclaimed His birth 
High and low; 

Out on the night so calm and still 
Their song was heard. 

For they knew the Child on Bethlehem's hill 
Was Christ the Lord. 

And far away in a goodly land. 

Fair and bright. 

Children with crowns of glory stand. 

Rob'd in white. 

They sing how the Lord of that ivorld so fair 
A child was born. 

And that they might crowns of glory wear 
Yiore crown of thorn; 


322 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


And in mortal weakness, in want and pain 
Came forth to die. 

That children of earth might ever reign 
With Him on high 

And ever more in their rohes most fair 
And undefiled. 

Those ransomed children His praise declare 
Who was once a Child. 


Perhaps heaven ean give us sweeter melodies and diviner 
strains, but it would be hard to coneeive of how there 
could be, even among the heavenly choir, voices that 
could exceed in sweetness our children’s voices. May it 
not be heaven that lies close about us in our infancy ex- 
pressing itself through them? 

So thought good Elijah Bowman as he made excuse to 
get behind the tree, or turned around in some way so the 
children should not see him wipe the tears away. After 
the singing there was more jollity and laughter, the de- 
crepit state of the ornamented cherubs calling forth the 
good-natured remark: 

^^Next time Mamma Thatch wants me to sing T want 
to be an angel,’ I’m goin’ to add, Tnit not a broken-winged 
one nor a one-legged one,’ ” cried a bright little girl. 

^^Why, Mamma Thatch, I fought that gilt ball was round 
when I sat in front,” said a younger brother of Willie 
Crosby. ^^But jess fink ! it ain’t a ball nor it ain’t round !” 

^^Well, then, what ith it?” lisped a flaxen-haired girl. 
^^What ith it if it ithn’t a ball nor thumthing round?” 
don’t know,” returned the boy. 

"W^hy, ith’s a thell ; ha ! ha ! ha ! couldn’t you tell that ?” 
sell!” repeated the boy. fought sells weren’t 


323 


Contrasting Scenes 

good. I don’t b’lieve Mamma Thatch would have sells 
for Christmas. I must ask her ” 

But before he had a chance to propound his question on 
the morality of sells for Christmas, Mr. Bowman had be- 
gun the distribution of the toys. They were all carefully 
wrapped up in paper and Mrs. Thatcher requested the 
children not to undo them until at home, but, alas, their 
curiosity was not equal to the strain. They felt of them, 
trying to guess from their shape what they were, till the 
paper gave way and then the joy and laughter was changed 
into sighs and tears. 

^^Mamma Thatch, my elephant hasn’t any tusks, nor 
trunks, nor nussin’!” exclaimed a four-year-old coming 
up with big, salt, bitter tears standing in his eyes and 
his upper lip trembling with emotion. 

^^Well, I wouldn’t mind if it was nothing but an ele- 
phant,” exclaimed the bo/s elder sister, ^Tut here’s my 
dolly — no nose — only one arm — half her hair gone — and 
I expected to love her, like as how she was as she oughter 
be. Oh, I can’t do it,” bursting into tears, “I can’t do it ! 
I wouldn’t mind the hair, but that hole, where the nose 
oughter be, is too much, too much!” 

Mr. Bowman looked helplessly around as the number of 
the poor little objects of woe increased. How he wished 
he could say ^‘Never mind; to-morrow I’ll bring you up 
span, brand new toys, twice as big and twice as fine as any- 
thing you ever saw before in your life 1” Yet he knew he 
could not. He had spent as much as he could possibly 
afford now. 

But Mrs. Thatcher’s great support at this juncture was 
Lame Johnnie. He was around everywhere, wiping away 
tears and trying to be general comforter — ^telling this 
boy, who was leaning against the wall in the silent aban- 
donment of grief, caused by the dashing of high hopes 


324 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


in finding a pair of roller skates with a couple of the rollers 
gone, ^^perhaps they could find some rollers round some- 
where, or perhaps Mamma Thatch would loan him a cou- 
ple of casters from the beds.” When life put on a brighter 
aspect for this one, then Lame Johnnie went to another, 
who was roaring with all his might over a steam engine 
with a piston and a crank gone. He soothed this per- 
turbed spirit by promising to make a better piston and 
crank than the steam engine had at first. And he meant 
what he said — loving, helpful Johnnie. It was not his 
fault that he failed to keep his promise. He had managed 
to bring at least a ray of comfort to all the disappointed 
ones and they w^ere going home, sniffing quietly, only the 
remnants of their grief remaining. The boy with the 
jointed map, out of which one or two countries were miss- 
ing, changed his mind about lighting a bon-fire with the 
offending residue, and concluded, with Johnnie’s help, to 
try and supply the wanting pieces by those of homemade 
manufacture. 

^^Here, Johnnie,” cried Mr. Bowman, who had been go- 
ing through empty boxes to see that everything was dis- 
tributed, ^fiiere is something you might give to that boy 
who had to take the storybook with the last five chapters 
gone.” 

^"Oh, yes, sir, that will be very good ; I know Jack will 
like that toy pistol. But first let me see if it is all right.” 

Lame Johnnie bent over the murderous weapon. Like 
everything else, it was broken, but had been carelessly left 
loaded. When he commenced to work at it the rusty 
trigger snapped, exploding the charge, and part entered 
the boy’s forehead just over his right eye. 

'"Oh, Johnnie, my darling boy,” cried Mrs. Thatcher, 
'T thought I had hidden that pistol where no one would 
find it.” 


325 


Contrasting Scenes 

^^That comes of being a stupid, blundering man!” 
groaned Mr. Bowman, as he bore Lame Johnnie in his 
arms and laid him gently on a lounge in Mrs. Thatcher^s 
room. 

Before the doctor could get there Johnnie opened his 
eyes and said feebly: 

^^Don’t cry. Mamma Thatch; donT cry. My head don’t 
hurt me near so much as your tears do.” 

‘^Can I move you, Johnnie?” asked Mr. Bowman, no- 
ticing a restlessness in the sufferer. 

^^Ah, sir, moving won’t do no good. It’s just come over 
me how I was a-going to take care of Mamma Thatch, 

and now if I am taken away who will ” 

will, Johnnie,” replied Mr. Bowman solemnly; ^That 
is, if she will let me.” 

mean for always, sir,” returned Johnnie. 

^^So do I, Johnnie,” returned Mr. Bowman. 

^‘Mamma Thatch, he means for always, and I am going ; 
won’t you say ^Yes’?” 

It was a solemn betrothal. They knelt hand in hand 
before the dying boy. He lay with his eyes closed for some 
time. Finally he opened them and while a beautiful smile 
lit up his grave features he said: 

^^Kiss me good-bye, for J esus has come to take me home. 
I’m happier than I ever was before.” 


326 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


CHAPTER XXX. 

PROFESSOR POGGENBEEK AGAIN. 

so, meedames V* exclaimed Professor Poggen- 
beek, coming in after Christmas, will be seeing dat 
yon are surprised to observe dat I am here yet?’^ 

^^Yes, professor,^^ I replied, smiling, “I thought you were 
to have left the city before Christmas.” 

^^Yah, so, dat vill be vat I was finkin’ to does; but den 
a wariety of times I comes here to fink and rite down all 
dose immortal fo’ts dat vill be surgings trou my large 
brains and I found nopoddys to let me in. I den concludes 
to vait till after Christmas, ven I vill be ables to carryr 
home mit me vun deescription of de correct mannair of 
spending dat day in a girls’ clup; and also, perhaps, if 
it vill be no secret, you might consent to tell vy de rooms 
were closed so many days.” 

^^Oh, certainly, professor, I will tell you why I was 
out, if you will promise not to say anything about it while 
you are here. Perhaps you may profit by the experience.” 

^^Ah, meedames, you are too good ! my vord and honor as 
a gentlemans I vill nevair say von fings of vat you tells 
me.” 

^The young ladies heard of an association of working 
girls’ clubs and they wished to belong. One of the condi- 
tions on which membership depends was that the club 
be self-supporting, so I was commissioned to visit all the 
girls who had attended this place and find out how it would 
be about their supporting themselves.” 


Professor Poggenbeek Again 327 


meedames,” exclaimed the professor, his usually 
mild blue eye glowing with indignation, ^^how could you 
countenance anythng so monstrous, so preposterous, so 
intolerables ! De vorkin’ girl in a self-supportin’ clup! 
Why, meedames, my blood do absolutely boil at de t’o’t! 
Just t’ink how independent she vill be ! De young vimmins 
can no more clothe her in dere garmints bought dis day 
vas a year and so go to dere papas, saying, Tapa, I haf 
.noddings to vear,’ and in dat vey get moneys for new. J ust 
tink vat a loss dot vould be? And den ven dey gets inde- 
pendent, ven any ones gets independent, I does notice dey 
can haf nothin’ said to dem vidout takin’ it de wrong way 
up. Oh, no; no, it vill be a pad day ven de vorkin’ girl 
is in a self-supporting clup. Do you not t’ink so, 
meedames ?” 

^^Well, professor, I cannot say I agree with you; but 
what I can say is that you and I will not probably live to 
see the day when this club is self-supporting. During 
those days when the club rooms were closed I made nine 
hundred and eighty-seven calls. I found several families 
where the mothers promised to give the proceeds of one 
day’s washing a week and others one day’s washing in two 
weeks or a month, always providing I secured them the 
customer from which this deduction was to be made. 
But that was the most that any one would pledge. Others 
pledged five, ten, and twenty-five cents a month, while 
others said they might be able to give something if they had 
not to buy ribbons for Miss Denny’s balls.” 

^^And joose t’inks, meedames, how much preferables to 
spend dair moneys for ribbons dan for self-support. Vat 
saad de young vimmins when you brought dem de re- 
port ?” 

''Well, they seemed disappointed, very much disap- 
pointed in fact, for the association to which they hoped to 


328 Three Fair Philanthropists 

belong is to be held in the largest, most aristocratic hall 
in the city, and the young ladies had been there and 
selected the places on the platform where they hoped to 
sit.” 

^^Vell, dat is too pads! I lof to see true merit re- 
warded and dose tree fair philanthropists would doubt- 
less haf well filled de retired places they selected.” 

^^Eetired — on the front row,” I said to myself. 

^^But den in dis vorld we will not pe always hafing dose 
tfings ve vishes eh, so?” 

^^Quite true, professor,” I replied ; ^^there is a great deal 
of profound philosophy in that remark.” 

^^Ah, meedames, I am nothin’ if not profound. You 
should read vat de newspapers say of me. Dey says: 
Trofessor Poggenbeek is acute, penetrating, keen, saga- 
cious, wirile, wigorous, wiwacious, scintillant, animated, 
wiwid, abysmal in his profundity,’ and ve all know how 
trufful de newspapers vill be. But pardons, meedames, I 
vill not be meanings to interrupt your story vat vill de 
young vimmins pe doing now dat dey cannot join de As- 
sociation.” 

^They are going to engage a lecturer on Economy and 
they say they hope at the end of a year the girls will be 
able then to so manage their affairs as to be self-sup- 
porting.” 

'AVhy, meedames, it vill pe astonishin’ how much wisdom 
is bound up in de hearts of de tree philanthropists. I 
vill be admirin’ as veil as vondering at dair sagacity. In- 
deed, I may be sayin’ I do almost lof dem all. May I pe 
gifin’ you de trouble to hand dem dis card of mine, vich vill 
be tellin’ dem about my vonderfuls lectures on economy. 
Dey go ahead of any lectures dat vere ever written on 
dat subject pefore. And dough my towns-peebles vill pe 


Professor Poggenbeek Again 329 

vantin’ my return so much as never vas yet, as a great 
favor I vill pe stayin^ if de young vimmin vishes/^ 

^^Did you receive any new ideas on Christmas and the 
best way of spending it in connection with an institution 
of this kind, professor?’^ 

‘^Ah, meedames, it vill pe truly vonderfuls how much I 
vill be learning! Oh, dose Christmees gifts of de young 
vimmins to de adders vas truly grand 1^^ Here the pro- 
fessor^s mild blue eyes disappeared entirely out of sight 
as his emotions rolled them so far in their orbits. 
haf here a full deeseription” (producing two foolscap sheets 
closely written) ^^und ven ve starts our clup in de Vest 
I vill pe sending an invitation to dis clup to come und 
spend a Christmees mit us eh, so!’^ 

It amused me very much in reading over the pro- 
fessor’s description to see how deeply impressed he had 
been with the trimmings, the floral decorations and the 
^^Milk Maid’s Ballet.” In connection with the latter he 
said to me: 

, ^^Oh, meedames, vat petter proof vill you pe needing 
of de urgent necessity of de girls’ clups dan to see how 
much dose young vimmins haf learned under Mees Denny’s 
instruction. Oh, if in our clup in de Vest our young 
vimmins can teach de odders to hop around one-haf as live- 
ly, how happy it vill pe making me. Dair is one suggestion 
I vould offer, and dot is dot de young vimmin mit de light 
tow hair, from vich de hairpins seem to sleep so easy 
(he meant Lena Deckenbachschmitt), be requested not to 
take part ven dair vill pe companies.” 

I replied I thought that a good suggestion, and did 
not enter into the particulars that I might have done 
relative to our being unable to keep the persistent young 
woman away. If we were able to eject her while the girls 
were in training she always found out when there was 


330 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


to be a public affair, and no one knew how she did it, but 
there she was on the floor smiling, bobbing, slipping down 
and being very much “distonished,^’ making a grotesque 
caricature of all the others. 

To return to the professor’s description. He had a great 
deal of space devoted to the presents given to each girl, 
which I must tell the reader might not have been so ex- 
tensive if the three fair philanthropists had not detected 
signs of falling off in the attendance after my visits of 
inquiry. Two evenings there v/ere none at the rooms 
and the state of the young ladies’ feelings can be 
imagined from what the reader has been previously told. 
Miss Mettle was the only one who was not afraid of Mary 
Sharkey. In the emergency, as I could not possibly make 
all the visits over again before Christmas, Miss Mettle 
communicated with Mary, and for a consideration she 
agreed to help me in the arduous work of getting out 
the girls to receive Christmas gifts. 

The reader can readily see how imperative this was, as 
not only were the newspapers still discoursing of the great 
benefit of this philanthropic undertaking and the nobility 
of its originators, but there were to be present at the 
Christmas celebration influential members of the ^^Asso- 
ciation of Self-Supporting Clubs,” and Miss Mettle hoped 
by making a good impression to induce them to consent to 
the admittance of her club. The reported number of our 
members was anywhere from three hundred to five hun- 
dred, and to have it happen that not one or only a few of 
all those girls were present on a given night, was a possi- 
bility too ghastly to be quietly endured. 

Toward the last I met the young ladies’ carriages stop- 
ping in front of tenements and they themselves were add- 
ing their persuasions to mine to induce the attendance of 
the offended girls. Enough came out three or four nights 


Professor Poggenbeek Again 331 

running for Miss Denny to train in the ^^Milk Maids’ 
Ballet/’ so that by putting off the celebration till the 
last of Christmas week a large attendance was secured. 

What shall I say of the presents? Perhaps I could 
not do better than to let the professor discourse of them. 

"Oh, meedames,” he cried, slapping his knees, "I vill pe 
almost veepings ven I peheld the first young vimmins re- 
ceiving her presents. I t’o’t she vas valkin off mit de 
presents of all, de plush box vas so pig she carried ! But 
ven I looked to see somepodys call her back and none 
vill be doing so, instead anodder young vimmins vill be com- 
ing forward and receiving anodder box equally as pig; 
den, meedames, von tear rolled down each cheek, und I vas 
so overcome I must use my pocket handkerchief. And 
so full as dose plush boxes vere of lofly solid silver t’ings — 
it vill pe escaping my mind joost vat dey could pe used 
for, meedames ; von game, perhaps, eh, so !” 

"No, professor, those were toilet articles, including man- 
icure sets and chiropodist tools and silver folding cups 
to be used in travelling.” 

"Oh, how glad I vill pe dat I put de question to you, 
for I should haf inquired for some kind of a silver 
mounted games. But, meedames, I suppose dair vill pe 
somepoddy engaged, like de lecturer on ^Economy,’ for 
instance, who vill pe explaining de uses to de young vim- 
mins of de warious t’ings in dair boxes, eh! It vill pe 
necessary for me to pe present at von or two of dose lec- 
tures else I could not explains to de young vimmins in de 
Nortvest how to use dair boxes, and vat vould pe padt, eh, 


332 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


CHAPTER XXXI. 

MR. GROUT CONDESCENDS TO ATTEND COURT. 

After the Christmas holidays the patent case ^^Islip 
versus Dearborn/’ was down on the court calendar to 
come off, having undergone more than the ordinary amount 
of postponements and delays. The most of these, as has 
been intimated in another connection, have been owing 
to Mr. K. Eoundout Grout’s excessive reluctance to dis- 
turbing his plans for social enjoyment. But his fair 
mother-in-law, by doling out his allowance for personal 
expenditure in extremely small quantities, as well as by 
her threats of breaking up housekeeping and travelling 
in Europe for a number of years, during which season 
she pledged herself to make both her husband and son- 
in-law suffer the extreme rigors of poverty from the 
small amount she would allow to be appropriated to their 
use — ^by these and other influences Mr. Grout was induced 
to consent to be present at court. 

Mr. Wormsley, the lawj^er, had taken the precaution 
to drop his client a note notwithstanding certain notices 
he had put in the gentleman’s looking-glass, saying he 
should call for Mr. K. Eoundout Grout at an hour fully 
sixty minutes in advance of what was strictly necessary, 
‘Tn order,” as the lawyer said to himself, ^To give the 
pampered son of a cobbler time to extricate himself from 
the voluminous folds and copious cord and tassels of his 
pink silk nightshirt without making us late at court.” 

The lawyer was therefore somewhat surprised when he 


Mr. Grout Attends Court 


333 


arrived at the Islip mansion, to be asked to walk up to 
Mr. Gront^s private apartment without any delay. At 
first the request brought the fierce scowl that always beau- 
tified the lawyer^s visage when things went wrong, think- 
ing his client might be going to beg for a little more 
slumber, but when he was ushered into the room and 
found Mr. Grout nearly ready, he could not forbear ex- 
pressing his surprise and pleasure. His client replied, 
while his lowest, most resonant bass tones trembled with 
surpressed emotion: 

^^You see before you a different man, Wormsley, than 
when you were here last. For some griefs gnaw deep!” 

Before Wormsley replied his glance was arrested by the 
picture of the gentleman’s wife and, although he knew 
what he was about to utter was a ghastly jest he said: 

^^Yes, I suppose losing one’s wife is a grief which 
gnaws deeper than anything else a man is called on to en- 
dure.” 

Mr. Grout threw a quick, searching glance at his lawyer 
to try and determine in what way it was best to take his 
remark, but Wormsley was standing before the picture 
of the deceased, apparently absorbed in the contemplation 
of her charms. Then the bereaved husband said: 

^^Certainly it is a great affliction to lose your wife, 
Wormsley, but I have been called on to undergo other 
and more recent trials.” 

^^x4h!” remarked the law 5 ^er with a rising accent and 
somewhat absently; then adding, as if he had been asked 
his opinion of the picture, “She had a large, well-shaped 
mouth; she must have had a generous nature.” 

“Well, by Jove, Wormsley, you’ll have to try again, 
for that is one thing she had not! Ho, hang it, if she 
had been generous toward me I should not be living such 
an abominable, hard life as I am, and as I shall have 


334 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


to continue doing, even if I win the patent suit. For 
that will bring me in only a few hundred thousand dol- 
lars, for which I must work to hold on to, whereas she 
might have left me her share of her mother’s estate, where 
I should only have to cut off the coupons and sign my name 
to an interest in a million or so; but, no, she must go 
and leave the whole to her miserable little brat.” 

child by a former marriage?” inquired the lawyer. 

^^No !” roared the client. ^^Do you suppose I’d stoop to 

marry a widow? Me? With all ” 

did not think of the inequalities existing between 
your own exalted position and that of widowdom. I was 
only led astray by your term ^brat,’ one that is not ordinarily 
applied by parents to their own, but only for other people’s 
children. To return to my innocent remark, which has 
called forth so much feeling, please notice I said she 
had a generous nature, which might be true, and yet she 
might not be generous toward you.” 

"Confound your impudence, Wormsley!” bellowed the 
irate client. "How could she have a generous nature 
and not be generous toward her own husband? Didn’t 
I elevate her and her family to my own social rank in 
society? How many senators and representatives and jus- 
tices of the supreme bench could there be invited to this 
house if I had not been a congressman?” 

There came a gentle tap at this juncture and the 
door opened wide enough to admit Mrs. Islip’s fair coun- 
tenance. 

"Excuse me, Son-in-law Grout, for hearing your last 
few remarks, but really I should have been obliged to 
take an express train for the western part of New York 
State to have avoided doing so. As you seem in a mood 
to ask questions, I can think of a few you might propound 
with advantage, but which I feared through your excessive 


Mr. Grout Attends Court 


335 


modesty, you might shrink from. The first is ‘How ele- 
vated was my position previous to my entrance into the 
Islip family?^ and the second, ‘How much of a congress- 
man could I have been without my wife’s money?’ Ha! 
ha ! ha ! Mr. Wormsley, to hear Son-in-law Grout talk 
about elevating this family always amuses me very much. 
Ha ! ha ! ha ! But though it may be a diversion to listen 
to your harmless prattle you have something besides 
prattling to do this morning, remember 1” and, Mrs. Islip’s 
sweet smiles leaving her face, she revealed certain lines 
about her mouth which indicated her imperious will. 

On the closing of the door “Son-in-law Grout” was 
like a man seized with convulsions, his clenched fists were 
shaken in the direction of the departing figure, his feet 
flew out as though the desire to kick was there even if 
the object to be thus dealt with were removed. 

“By the blue blazes, man, if I felt like that,” rejoined 
the lawyer contemptuously, “I would at least have a 
panel out of that door or else kick the whole thing down. 
I would not kick into space without the satisfaction of 
even hearing a smash-up.” 

“Well, but then who would have to pay for it?” 

“Why, yourself of course.” 

“But where would I get the money?” whined the ex- 
congressman. “It would have to come out of that detesta- 
ble woman.” 

“Hot necessarily,” returned the lawyer. “There are al- 
ways jobs at street cleaning to be had.” 

Mr. Grout appeared not to hear this last remark as 
he continued: 

“I used the word detestable advisedly, Wormsley; some- 
thing stronger could be truthfully applied. What would 
you think of a woman who would give you a sleeping 


336 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


draught when she knew you had a most important en- 
gagement to keep?’^ 

should conclude she had objections to my keeping 
it/^ returned the lawyer. ‘‘Then the question would 
arise, ‘Upon what grounds were her objections founded?^ 

“Upon no reasonable grounds, by Jove! She seems 
to have made up her mind that I shall not get married 
again.” 

“Perhaps she does not want to lose the pleasure of 
your society,” returned the law^^r, biting his lip to re- 
strain his sarcastic smile. 

“I think that has something to do with it,” returned 
Mr. Grout, pompously, choosing to interpret the remark in 
a way most flattering to himself. “But at any rate I be- 
came engaged very privately to a young lady who has 
long been expecting me to propose to her and whose 
mother, until toward the last (possibly because I did not 
speak sooner), had her whole soul wrapped up in our 
union. I repeat that I was engaged very privately. I 
imposed the utmost secrecy on my fair (I believe every 
man is at liberty to call his flancee fair, though I have 
seen more beautiful women) sweetheart. Yet somehow it 
leaked out. If I knew the scoundrel who told, I would 
not leave a whole bone in his body. No, sir, I wouldnT 1” 
exclaimed Mr. Grout, his tones growing louder and his 
fists beginning to shake in every direction. “IPs the most 
infamous piece of work I ever heard of — a man’s not be- 
ing able to marry the woman of his choice I” 

“But I don’t see why that should prevent your marrying 
the woman of your choice, because somebody went and 
told,” said the lawyer. 

“That is just v/here the she-devil of it comes in,” roared 
the ex-congressman. “I was not absolutely certain that 
any one knew, but when I made arrangements to take my 


Mr. Grout Attends Court 


337 


girl out anywhere, something always occurred to prevent. 
Either her mother would send me off on a wild goose 
chase, telling me her daughter was in a place where she 
would not be, or else that woman,^^ pointing in the direc- 
tion of the door, ‘ffound some excuse for preventing my 
going. And finally when she exhausted her powers of 
invention in thinking up things, she wanted me to do at 
such times, she gave me a sleeping draught. It was in my 
coffee, at a late breakfast, the day of the cloister reception, 
and I never woke up until eleven o’clock at night.” 

^^Nonsense, man, you probably tippled more than was 
good for you!” returned the lawyer. 

^^No such thing, you impudent hound I Tipple 1 I want 
to see the man who says I tipple. Don’t I know that she 
gave me the draught ? I guess I do. When I accused her 
didn’t she laugh as though she would go into hysterics? 
It just shows what an unfeeling monster she is.” 

^^Well, I should have thought you could have explained 
how it happened and made it all right with your lady- 
love,” returned the lawyer. 

^^Wouldn’t you have thought so?” returned K. Eound- 
out Grout, taking out his highly perfumed silk hand- 
kerchief and burying his face in its folds while his sobs 
rent the air. 

^^Oh; then distress at not being able to get a wife, in- 
stead of sorrow for the loss of one, is the grief that you 
mentioned as gnawing at your vitals. You should have 
said so and not tried to mislead me!” said the lawyer 
with exasperating effrontery. 

^^Who tried to mislead you, you 

I think the epithets applied by Mr. Grout to his com- 
panion better be trusted to the imagination of the reader 
to supply, as their appearance on paper could not possibly 
be for his literary or moral advantage. ^Tt was yourself 


338 Three Fair Philanthropists 

who suggested my grieving for my wife, and you know 
itr 

^^Oh, is that so ? You must excuse me for getting things 
mixed a little,” returned the lawyer, who, having accom- 
plished his object of diverting his client’s mind from his 
grief, wished now to restore his good humor and hear 
the -finale of his affaire de cceur. 

^^You know lawyer’s memories are treacherous, there 
are so many things for them to remember. But I cannot 
understand how a lady should not condone an offense on 
the part of her lover that he was so little responsible for 
as you were for not being on hand the afternoon of the 
reception. I suppose you told her just how it happened?” 

^^By Jove, I haven’t had a chance to tell her! That 
little black-eyed imp of a mother of hers has managed 
it so I could not see her, though I tried two whole days, 
going to the door nearly every other hour. Then I 
wrote ; but my letters were returned unopened, by the same 
agency, I suppose. And this morning I received cards 
for a reception given to announce her engagement to an- 
other man.” 

‘^Another man !” exclaimed Wormsley in astonishment. 
^‘That is remarkable! Who is the other man?” 

^‘Dunraven, the slyest, blackest rogue that ” 

^^You don’t mean his holiness, the revered rector of the 
^Chapel of the Holy Madonna in Heaven’?” inquired the 
lawj^er. 

do mean that very self-same green-eyed, yellow- 

skinned d . What do you know about him?” 

am his lawyer as well as yours, and I know enough 
to understand that by so doing he has applied the torch 
to that exceedingly combustible and evanescent substance 
called his popularity.” 

^^Well, that’s all right, if only his bony carcass could be 


Mr. Grout Attends Court 339 

thrown into the midst of the conflagration to perish with 
the rest/’ 

While this conversation had been in progress Mr. K. 
Eonndont Grout was adding the flner touches to the com- 
pletion of his toilette. These consisted in applying ex- 
pensive preparations to his mustache, which, besides be- 
ing coarse, thick and luxuriant, was inclined to display 
a variety of not always harmonious colors. He was 
obliged to exercise great care in this application, for one 
shade required one mixture, and another shade, another. 

In lieu of not having a child who called forth his father- 
ly instincts, Mr. Grout seemed inclined to lavish a tender, 
paternal solicitude on his mustache. If there was any 
time when he wns not caressing it or looking down and 
trying to catch glimpses of it, or regarding its reflection 
affectionately in the glass, that time was when he was 
locked in profound slumber. It was too laborious an 
undertaking for Mr. Grout to attend to his flnger-nails 
so he resorted to the salon of a high professor in the mani- 
curial art when his nails had reached a length that made 
it an impossibility to put on his gloves, and had attained 
a discoloration that would do credit to a dyeing establish- 
ment dealing only in fast blacks. 

But Mr. Grout was not above assisting nature in color- 
ing his lips and underscoring his eyes, and this morning, 
as his complexion v/as more of a copperish mahogany than 
usual, he felt obliged to use a cosmetic for both hands 
and face. Finally he was ready for his overcoat, and as 
Wormsley was on hand he did not call the butler or the 
footman or Mrs. Islip’s maid (nor, as in some instances, 
all three together) to assist in adjusting the silk muffler 
around his neck and to hold his fur-lined garment. He 
regretted having made this change, however, for the law- 
yer nearly dislocated his arm in the endeavor to hasten 


340 


Three Fair Philanthropists 

matters. As they gained the hall they heard a patter of 
feet, and young Koundout^s voice saying: 

Mummer Islip, Mummer Islip, s’all Papa Grout 
g’out? Shan’t I keep him from going evwy bit away? 
Shan’t I, s’an^t I ?^^ and the two men could hear the child 
jumping up and down in his excitement, while his grand- 
mother showered upon him caresses and encouraged him 
with her laughter. I said two men heard this; but, 
strictly speaking, only one man could be said to have heard 
it all, for Mr. K. Eoundout Grout, knowing his mother- 
in-law’s whimsicalities, did not feel at all certain but she 
might give his son permission to lay siege to his coat 
tails, as at a previous time; he therefore was on the street 
and half a block away before Mr. Wormsley missed him. 

When the court room was reached the crier was enjoin- 
ing silence, the judge and jury were in their places, and 
the lawyer for plaintiff was ready to address the court. 
He could not proceed for some moments, owing to the 
commotion the advent of Hon. K. Eoundout Grout caused. 
The latter had such a lofty carriage that whispers of, 
^^There’s the chancellor or some other notable,” were to 
be heard. Several colored orderlies and a sergeant-at- 
arms hastened to assist him in removing his coat and, 
after issuing several orders about the position of his 
seat in a stentorian whisper, Mr. Grout consented to 
subside. 

^^Gad, Wormsley, there’s that mighty pretty girl I’ve 
seen at the club. What is she doing here?” asked Mr. 
Grout, after a few minutes’ silence. 

^'She’s your opponent. Miss Agnes Dearborn.” 

^^You don’t mean it? Why didn’t you tell me, you 
sly dog?” 

^^Tell you!” returned the lawyer, ^^ou’ve been sign-i 
ing papers for over a year past with her name on them. 


Mr. Grout Attends Court 341 

I should have thought you might have found it out your- 
self r 

^^You are not such a donkey as to suppose I have read 
all those papers you’ve been bringing up for me to sign? 
!No, sir; I have not had time. If you had not indicated 
by means of a blue pencil where my name was to be 
written, the chances would have been exceedingly small 
that you would have had it at all.” 

^^As it has been, you have made your K’s and your R’s 
so they might have been mistaken for anything, from a 
crushed and squirming daddy-long-legs to a tipsy mule 
driver, and your other letters were correspondingly legi- 
ble,” said Wormsley. 

^^Confound you for being the most impudent of your 
tribe!” returned his client, as he readjusted his one large 
eye-glass to take another look at his fair opponent. He 
continued his gaze so long that Wormsley said sneer- 
ingiy: 

‘^She is evidently some one for whom you have been 
entertaining a secret fancy. I presume if the truth wei'e 
known your ladylove has discovered your penchant, and 
it is that which has made her break with you.” 

^'Me! Entertaining a fancy for a working girl! That 
shows how little you know me. It is just the other way; 
she has fancied me. But, oh, say, Wormsley, is she the 
person you have been speaking of as the one to be 

^^Hist, man !” replied the lawyer, frowning darkly. 

^^But I am whispering. How can any one hear me?” 

^^The same way you could hear the breathing of a 
grampus whale half a mile off.” 

^^But, Wormsley,” continued the ex-congressman, so 
much interested in the suggestion he was about to make, 
that he did not notice the lawyer’s remark, ^^it would not 
be a bad plan to know her hiding-place, where she might 


342 Three Fair Philanthropists 

be reached, eh ? You understand me ?’^ and the glance the 
L-x-congressman threw at his lawyer was so full of low 
cunning and lustful iniquity that his countenance be- 
came positively frightful to contemplate. 

That is, it would have seemed frightful to a right- 
minded person. The lawyer, however, being very far re- 
moved from a person of that description, appeared highly 
amused. He could not laugh out loud, because the court 
was in session; so he buried his face in his newspaper 
and gave way to his mirth by quiet side shaking. 

‘‘That is a good suggestion, eh, Wormsley? I am glad 
you approve ! Capital idea ! Oh, I tell you, Wormsley, 

I was made for a different position in society than that 
I now hold. I’m just full of wit and fanc}'^ and fine 
ideas; but, gad, man, how’s a fellow to do anything with 
such a mother-in-law?” 

“My mirth was not excited wholly by your virtuous sug- 
gestion,” returned the lawyer, wiping his eyes. “I was also 
thinking how funny you would look in a striped suit, and 
I wondered if they would have anything big enough for 
you; if not, they would be obliged to piece one down, and 
if it had to be done with different colors, you would look 
like a crazy-quilt or a crazy zebra !” 

“I must say I don’t see anything very funny in that,” 
replied Mr. Grout in an injured tone of voice. “Don’t 
you consider yourself smart enough to keep us out of 
the penitentiary?” 

“Yes, but we must be prepared for anything. Some- 
times fortune, just as she appears ready to kiss us, slaps 
us in the face instead.” 

“But it’s your business to see to it she does not slap 
us !” 

Mr. Grout made this last remark in such a loud tone 
of voice that the judge arose and requested that there be 


Mr. Grout Attends Court 


343 


less conversation carried on in the court room, and events 
soon occurred which made Mr. Wormsley and his client 
feel less inclined to laugh and talk than at first they ap- 
peared to do. 

Mr. Conrad, the lawyer for the Dearborns, had been 
able to get hold of two persons with whom Mr. Dearborn 
had talked previous to his sickness, in regard to his patent, 
both of whom testified that it was not his intention to put 
the patent in the hands of Mr. Islip, other than for safe 
keeping during his illness. This was the most damaging 
testimony which had been brought forward in the trial, 
and made Mr. Wormsley look very black as he nudged 
his client, saying: 

^T’m afraid you’ll not be troubled with the income from 
the patent.” 

^^What do you mean, Wormsley? What are we pay- 
ing you for? Why, I must have that money. I’ll break 
every bone in your body if you don’t get it for me.” 

^^Break away, loggerhead! Can you produce witnesses 
who will deny what has just been sworn to ?” asked Worms- 
ley. 

Mr. Grout, having been asleep during the time alluded 
to, said: 

thought you could get witnesses to swear to any- 
thing you wanted to have them. And if you can’t do that, 
there’s the other plan 

^^Well, then, the other plan it must be, and that mighty 
quick,” rejoined the lawyer. He repeated the remark 
at the close of the session, as he and his client were 
standing near a window in the court room. 

^^Why not to-night, Wormsley?” exclaimed Mr. Grout. 
^^You could not have a better time. See, the rain is com- 
ing down in torrents. There is a dense fog and nobody 
would be out who could possibly stay indoors.” 


344 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


^^Let me see; I don’t know whether the girl goes to 
her business this evening. She does not go every day.” 
He took out his memorandum and looked through several 
pages. ^^Yes, to-night is one of her nights. But now 
you see there is another consideration. Her father must 
be taken out of the way by some means at the same time. 
Now, can you take a carriage and think up a good ex- 
cuse to tempt him into it, and carry him ” 

^^But, Wormsley, I want to go to Mrs. De Juncket’s 
ball to-night; you must get some one else.” 

^^We can’t do it! Not a person we could trust on so 
short a notice. It will only be a couple of hours before it 
must be done. Moreover, if we could get any one, we 
should have to pay him an enormous sum, and Mrs. Islip 
is getting — well, you know how she is getting — and it will 
be a pretty sum we shall have to pay to the one who takes 
off the girl.” 

^^But they are going to have a new kind of souvenir 
at the De Juncket ball and I want to go.” 

^^Oh, well, go then, and let your income from the patent 
slide. I guess you would find it too laborious to hang 
on to it, anyway !” exclaimed the lawyer. 

^^No, sir, I must have that income. My life now is 
intolerable. I must have some kind of an income, so I 
need not call on that woman for quite so much. An extra 
coaching party once in a while, or a trip to California, 
occasionally, I would not mind depending on her for, 
but 

‘‘^Well, then, I’m to understand that you will take 
charge of the old gentleman, eh. Grout? And mind you 
do it as it ought to be done.” And the lawyer and his 
client stood and talked some time over the best way to ac- 
complish their deed of darkness. 


A Deed of Darkness 


345 


CHAPTEE XXXII. 

A DEED OF DARKNESS. 

what a dark, stormy night it is going to be I — 
Louise Marchmont Winn — made this exclamation to my- 
self, standing by a window in the club room, the same even- 
ing as that referred to in the last chapter. ^^And poor, 
dear Agnes has to be out in it I continued. ‘^If I 
did not have that fancy work on hand for the bazaar, I 
would close the club in time to go down to her place of 
business and accompany her home!’^ 

And if I could have seen the lawyer and his client 
standing by the court room window at that same time 
plotting my darling^s ruin nothing would have kept me 
from carrying out my purpose. But if I had been on hand 
I might have been kept from rendering her as effective 
aid as through God’s own wise ordering I was enabled. 
As it was, I gave myself up to the charms of revery. 

Given comfort and warmth within, and storm and tem- 
pest without, how the mind loves to wander over events 
past, present and future! My thoughts first travelled 
out west. My nephew had written me more distracting 
and incomprehensible letters than ever lately. He had 
brought forward so many reasons why my plans for his 
coming east should not be carried out that I felt sure he 
was thinking seriously of making the trip; but from the 
nature of the poetry he quoted and from the sage philoso- 
phizing to which he gave utterance, I could not for the 
life of me tell whether it was to be his wedding journey, 
his ante-nuptial tour or an excursion to collect aU the 


346 Three Fair Philanthropists 

facts possible to prove that a life of celibacy was the only 
proper life for man. 

He must be prospering, or he could not have sent me the 
handsome sum for a Christmas gift that he did. It en- 
abled me to give my darling Agnes a surprise, get a 
pretty, warm dressing gown for her father, and still have 
something left. I don’t know how I could have got along 
without it, for my salary was behind, as usual. In fact, 
the financial condition of the club was a subject 
which made us all tremble. Before Christmas, by dint 
of upbraidings, pleading, apostrophizings, threatenings^ 
blarneyings, vituperations and intimidations of various 
kinds, enough money was gathered together to remove all 
fear of actual arrest ; but only the day previous I had been 
obliged to hold a very disagreeable interview with the 
man who furnished the Christmas gifts so graphically 
described by Professor Poggenbeek. The cost of the 
presents was sixteen hundred and seventy-three dollars 
and thirty-five cents and cheap at that; for there had 
been over two hundred of them. The man was a Hebrew 
of a pronounced type, and tears fell from his eyes like 
rain as he told me of his difficulties in trying to find out 
who owed him. He had been to every one whose name he 
could get hold of, and each had sent him to some one 
else. 

^^And I can’t find nones dat owes me all dat large 
moneys. What shall I does ! What shall I does !” 

^^To whom were you asked to charge and send the 
boxes?” I inquired. 

^To de ^Girls’ Club, comer of Fifth avenue and 

Street;’ and I said to myself, of course if dey can lib 
on Fifth avenue dey vil] be paying all vat dey owes.” 

^^ell, they will pay you some time, my friend; do 
not be so despondent.” 


A Deed of Darkness 


347 


I cannot carrys such large accounts, Mees; my 
capital is small, and Jacob, my son, is joost married, 
and mine vifes is sick and 

I comforted the man as mnch as I could, and told 
him to go as often as possible to Miss Mettle’s and Miss 
Denny’s homes, and eventually he would receive redress. 
He had spent most of his time since then between the 
two places, I had learned from Mary Hogan, the woman 
who cleaned. 

This action on his part had roused the managers to 
renewed activities in connection with instituting a grand 
bazaar. Each one pledged herself to supply a certain num- 
ber of articles, which were to be offered for sale. These 
articles were to be sofa cushions, tidies, pincushions, mats, 
scarfs, doilies, table napkins, embroidered lay-overs, and 
various other household necessities and ornaments. 

There had been a great sale of stamped goods of this 
description, and all of the managers had been down and 
purchased. On their way back they had sent up their 
purchases to me. Some of these packages had little notes 
pinned on them, which ran as follows: 

^T)ear Mrs. Winn: Thinking you might like some- 
thing to occupy an occasional spare minute I send the 
enclosed dozen of doilies and two dozen table napkins and 
half dozen sideboard scarfs to be embroidered for our 
bazaar.” 

I do not think one of the managers failed to have 
solicitude for my spare minutes, till the pile of bundles 
containing articles to be embroidered reached a goodly 
height. All day I had been taking these bundles in, 
and late in the afternoon Miss Annie Hopper came to de- 
liver her quota in person. 


348 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


know you do not have very much to do, Mrs. Winn, 
and as my time is so full I concluded to allow you to 
do some embroidering for me for the bazaar. It will 
have to be done so nicely that I thought I would come 
around and tell you about it.’^ 

‘^You are too late. Miss Hopper; look at that pile I 
More than I can possibly do now.” 

She went over to where the bundles lay and picked one 
of them up and read, ‘^Leonora Bullwinkle!” 

^^Did you ever hear such impudence? That girl never 
would have known enough to have done this if she had 
not heard me say I was going to, and here she has whipped 
down town and got her bundle here first. Well, you need 
not touch her things.” 

Several others she picked up and sneered at in the same 
way; then she opened her own package. 

^^Miss Hopper, you will have to excuse me,” I replied 
firmly; ^The work is too fine and elaborate that you want 
done. I cannot do it.” 

Although she had said they were for the bazaar some- 
how it fiashed over me that she was going to be married 
and these were for her house furnishings. 

'^How do you dare to tell me that you cannot do this 
for me? I say you can and you shall. If you do not 
you will have cause to regret it to the last day of your 
life. I will see that you lose your present position, and 
I will make it so hard for you to get another you will 
perish of starvation.” 

"I might as well perish in that way as to make my- 
self blind in the way you suggest.” 

We had a good many more words over the matter, 
but I would not yield, and she left in a passion. 

The wind as it wailed and roared down the chimney 
reminded me of her voice. I could think of nobody I 


A Deed of Darkness 


349 


had ever met in my life who had made themselves as 
disagreeable to me. 

wonder whom she is to marry,” I said to myself. 
^‘Whoever it may be, he has my heartfelt sympathy.” 

Then the envelope with her name written in a hand- 
writing resembling my nephew^s appeared before my mental 
vision. I shuddered as I thought what unhappiness 
might be in store for me, and prayed with all the fervor 
of my nature that God would spare me the trial of see- 
ing my nephew unhappily married. When on this sub- 
ject, my thoughts grew so burdensome that I was glad 
to interrupt them by getting up to prepare my simple 
evening meal. This had been done and cleared away, 
when a few of the girls strayed in. The young lady who 
was to take charge this evening not arriving, the girls 
wanted to help me in work for the bazaar. I had cause to 
regret my yielding to their entreaties, for most of what 
they did had to be taken out and done over again. 

Finally, the girls had all gone home, and I took 
up the crash used in stormy weather, besides rolling up 
the rugs, as I was expected to do every night. Over the 
plush easy-chairs I drew linen covers and did up some 
of the bric-a-brac in the tissue paper and paper boxes 
in which it was sent to the club. There was holland to 
put over the window hangings; but that was not always 
in its place, as I had to get on a stepladder to do this and 
often I was too tired. The six or eight vases of flowers, 
however, I never felt like neglecting. I took them to 
the bath-room, gave them their nightly shower-bath and 
changed the water, placing them in the coolest comer 
of the rooms. I finished all these preparations for the 
night and, standing before the group of statuary em- 
bodying ^^Lincoln Emancipating the Slave,” I asked in 
a cheerful tone of voice, ^^Well, Abraham, my dear, do you 


350 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


want your night-cap on?” for that is what drawing on 
the cover for the group always reminded me of. Abraham, 
appeared to be more sleepy and desirous of his nightly 
head-covering than usual, or else I saw reflected my own 
state of mind, and I had the cover half on, when I heard 
what sounded like knocking at the outer door. 

^^It might be that,” I said, as I leisurely flnished 
Abraham’s night toilet, ^^or it might be that the storm 
has managed to get hold of some unfastened sign and is 
beating it against the side of the house.” I went to the 
window. 

The street lamps looked dim and weird through the 
driving rain, each one of them surrounded by a dull halo. 
The buildings loomed up dark and imposing, and made 
one think of giants opposing force against giants. 

Oh, what a night for my darling to be out in ! How 
glad I felt that there was such a good prospect that the 
necessity of her doing so was soon to cease. To-morrow 
or the next day (I should probably receive a note by the 
morning’s mail to tell me which) I should be needed in 
the court room myself. 

But again I heard the same sounds as before, this time 
so much more forcibly, that I could not mistake their 
source. Somebody was beating with a cane on the outer 
door. I could not explain it, but my hands trembled as 
I turned the keys in the locks of the intervening doors. 
My heart was filled with undefined terror. It was not 
caused by fear of who should be at the door at that time, 
for it was not late, and often the girls returned for some- 
thing left, but I seemed possessed of premonitions of an 
impending calamity. My teeth were chattering and a cold 
perspiration stood on my forehead by the time I had the 
outer door opened. 

Kipp Grassey only stopped beating the door with his 


A Deed of Darkness 


351 


cane when he heard my hand on the knob. He stood there 
with no hat on, his straight, straw-colored hair tossed 
wildly about by the wind. 

^“^My God! Have mercy on us all!^^ he exclaimed. 
^^She is gone !” 

^^Whom do you mean?’’ I asked fiercely. 

^^Whom could I mean?” he replied with equal heat. 
^^You know there is only one person in the world for 
me!” 

‘^Oh, Agnes, Agnes !” I sobbed piteously, ^Vhy did I not 
go down for you this evening as my heart dictated ?” 

^‘It would not have done the least particle of good. The 
devils were prepared for some one to be with her, I could 
see from extra ones lurking round, and if I had not 
had my man James with me they would have finished 
me. But what are you doing ?” he asked in astonishment, 
as he saw me putting on my waterproof and rubbers. 

am going down with you to look over the place 
where you last saw her.” 

Mr. Grassey tried to dissuade me, because of the great 
violence of the storm, telling me that he had left James 
on the ground and he should go right back to see if any- 
thing had happened; but I was not to be turned from 
my purpose. As we came out upon the sidewalk the wind 
swooped down upon us as if it were a bird of prey and we 
its lawful prize; however, we managed to resist its at- 
tacks and proceed slowly down the street. Where two 
avenues meet, and near an Elevated station we crossed 
to the western side of the space (for a small triangular 
piece of ground devoted to flowers and foliage plants in 
summer marks the change in direction of the avenues at 
this point). ^ 

^^There !” exclaimed Mr. Grassey, ^^do you see that door 


352 Three Fair Philanthropists 

where it says 'To Let’? that is the door through which 
the one-eyed hag allured her victim/^ 

In a kind of blind frenzy I stepped up to the door and 
began ringing the bell and beating with Mr. Grassey’s 
cane. 

A policeman came out quickly from some place round 
the comer, and said roughly: 

^^hat^s the matter with you? Don’t you see that 
sign? That is an empty house. What do you expect 
to get from raising such a row there ?” 

^^That house may be empty of furniture,” Mr. Grassey 
replied, while the wind made his usually glass-smooth 
hair look like a disturbed straw bundle, ‘d)ut it was not 
empty of human beings less than thirty minutes ago, 
for I saw some people going in.” 

‘^Oh, yes, you undoubtedly saw wonderful things,” re- 
turned the policeman derisively. Young men of your 
style are apt to after big wine dinners.” 

Mr. Grassey took his cane from me and was on the 
point of making a dash at the policeman with it when I 
recalled him by saying: 

^‘We have not time to stop. Let us find James and see 
if he has been able to gain any information which will 
throw any light on the subject.” 

^Tou are right,” cried Mr. Grassey, and wc left the 
policeman and walked down the avenue, 

^^Where can James have gone?” I asked, as we looked 
up and down. 

am sure I cannot think,” replied Mr. Grassey. 
told him not to leave the block, but to walk up and down 
before that door as nearly as lie could.” 

We were at the corner of the street nearest the door 
and nearest the Elevated station. Something attracted 
my attention, lying like a long bundle in the shadow of 


A Deed of Darkness 353 

one of the porches on a side street. I said shndderingly ; 

^^Come, let ns see what that is.^^ 

We approached and found it to be James. He was 
unconscious and blood was flowing from a wound on his 
head. 

I stood over him while Mr. Grassey went to a hotel and 
brought a physician and men to remove him to a private 
room in the hotel. We sent the men away as soon as we 
perceived that James was coming to himself, and we 
learned that he had found out from a street urchin that 
that house into which Agnes had been entrapped had an 
entrance on the side street near where we found James 
lying. He had seen some one brought out of this entrance, 
seemingly on a stretcher, and an ambulance in waiting. 
Hearing a muffled cry coming from this stretcher, as 
though a gag were getting loosened from some one^s mouth, 
he made a dash to get hold of it. He had time to drag 
the quilt off and see Agnes lying there bound hand and 
foot. She looked in his face and managed to cry: "My 
father! Save my father!'^ when all consciousness de- 
parted. 

"That devil of a policeman probably gave you your lay- 
ing ouV^ exclaimed Mr. Grassey, grinding his teeth. 


354 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


CHAPTER XXXIII. 

AFTER THE KIDNAPPERS AND IN THE COURT ROOM. 

James insisted on onr leaving him, and worked him- 
self up into such a state of feverish excitement, when we 
hesitated about the absolute necessity of going around 
immediately to Agnes’s lodgings to see what was being 
done to her father, that Mr. Grassey and I were imbued 
with his ardor. James would not be satisfied if one of 
us went. 

‘^Na, na, maister. ’Twill gin the villains mair trouble 
to lay two o’ yez out ’n one.” 

The storm was still raging when we left the hotel and 
,the wind took Mr. Grassey’s hat (which was James’s and 
slightly large) and gave him a chase of a block and a 
half after it. The hour was nearing twelve and Mr. 
Grassey and I approached the Dearborn lodgings with 
fear and dread. We found a carriage in waiting and 
the lower door unlatched, while some dark substance like 
a piece of coal kept it from closing quite together. 

As we came up the stairs we heard voices and saw a 
light coming out of the door leading into the Dearborns’ 
room. 

refuse to go with you, sir,” Mr. Dearborn was saying 
in his trembling voice, ^^and I charge you if you know 
why my daughter is so late in coming home, and if you 
do not want an old man’s curse, to tell me.” 

^^Oh, now, look-a-here, old fellow, don’t curse me, for 
I really don’t know anything about it,” replied a voice, 


355 


After the Kidnappers 

which we perceived, as we arrived on the scene, to come 
from a man dressed in full evening suit with a vest of 
yellow satin, denoting his calling of butler. Seeing us 
he continued: 

will leave it to these people to decide if you are 
not rather hard on me in not accepting my kind invita- 
tion.” 

Mr. Dearborn answered the look of inquiry he saw on 
our faces by saying, after cordially greeting me: 

^^This fellow has spent over half an hour trying to 
persuade me to go with him for ^a pleasant drive,^ 
quiet but enjoyable little excursion,^ ^a fine outing,’ ^an 
extended tour,’ ^an exhilarating jaunt,’ but he has not 
been able to give me any definite idea where we were 
going.” 

While Mr. Dearborn was talking, this individual strutted 
airily up and do^vn, with his hands in his pockets, hum- 
ming to himself as though thoroughly at peace with all 
mankind. ^Dh, well, I want to surprise you, that’s all, 
by taking you to the nicest, cosiest, . most desirable- 

He was interrupted by a sharp poke from Mr. Grassey’s 
cane, while that irate individual asked: 

^^And do you think such surprises are allowable, you 
double-dyed villain?” 

am nothing of the kind, I do assure you. I am noth- 
ing but an honest butler, proposing to earn an honest 
penny by doing for my mistress’s son-in-law something 
he was unable to do for himself, being as how this was 
the evening of the De Juncket’s ball, where he wished 
to be at the same time that he wished to convey this 

good gentleman to but I must not tell where — ^ha! 

ha ! ha ! Don’t you wish you knew ?” laughing airily and 
v/aving both hands, around which lace ruffles fluttered 
in graceful sweep. 


356 Three Fair Philanthropists 

“And who may your mistress and her son-in-law be?” 
I asked. 

^^Madam, I beg you will not think me uncivil. I would 
like very much to tell you, but that was something I 
was particularly requested not to reveal. I was told if 
everjdhing else was successful, and I told the names of 
those with whom I was connected, I should not receive that 
which will enable me to marry and be the happiest man 
in the world.^’ 

don^t believe a word he says,^^ cried Mr. Grassey, 
rushing at him with his cane — whack — whack — ^d)e the 
unhappiest man in the world for your lying roguery 

^^Oh jingo! oh my buttons! but I am, I am; but don’t 
tear my lace ruffles.” 

‘‘I’ll make lace ruffles of you, if you don’t get out of 
here !” replied Mr. Grassey, continuing his beating. 
“Why don’t you go?” he asked. 

“If you’d only be afther givin’ a poor chap the width 
of a three-inch board, so as how he might squeeeze a past 
you, I’d show you how I could go !” replied the butler, 
jumping up and down and dodging this way and that to 
escape Mr. Grassey’s cane. 

Finally he succeeded, but that was not effected until 
every one in the house was roused, and in the hall, to see 
what could be the matter. Most of them, annoyed by the 
disturbance, were glad to have a chance to vent their 
displeasure on the disturber, and we could hear this 
one giving him a poke and that one a slap, while he as- 
sured them he was an honest man, only anxious to accu- 
mulate a little money against his wedding day and also 
very desirous of preserving his ruffles, which cost a great 
deal of labor, besides the actual coin they represented. 

Mr. Dearborn was overcome with grief when we told 
him aU we knew of Agnes. I could only rouse him by 


After the Kidnappers 357 

urging upon him the importance of our putting forth 
every energy to trace her to her hiding place. 

^"Oh, but my dear Mrs. Winn/" exclaimed the bereaved 
man, ^^it takes money for such things, and we have lived 
up to the last cent of our income. What can I do?"" 

Mr. Grassey looked at me and nudged me, intimating 
thereby his desire to have me express to Mr. Dearborn, for 
him, his willingness to undertake the search at his own ex- 
pense; but I thought such assurances would better come 
from the man himself, and I pretended not to see what was 
wanted. Mr. Grassey therefore cleared his throat several 
times, ran his hand through his hair, and said trem- 
blingly: 

^Oh, say now, if money is what is wanted, I have enough. 
And I"ll feel honored if you"ll let me use it in such a — 
a — a — cause. Won"t I, Mrs. Winn?"" 

I could not help seconding Mr. Grassey"s offer, though 
I inwardly rebelled at Agnes and her father being so 
much indebted to him. There was no other way, however, 
and after receiving Mr. Dearborn"s tearful blessing, the 
current of our thoughts was immediately turned into 
devising the best means of securing Mr. Dearborn from 
further molestation. Of the various plans which pre- 
sented themselves we finally decided that Mr. Grassey"s 
was the most feasible; which was, to have a carriage and 
take Mr. Dearborn and James both to the bachelor apart- 
ments occupied by Mr. Grassey, where the one could 
nurse, care for and protect the other. By the time this 
was done (for we took the two men separately and then 
we stopped and talked over the best detectives to engage), 
it was after five o’clock. Mr. Grassey would not have a 
Pinkerton man nor would he have anything to do with 
the New York police. 

^^They compose too much the leisure class of our com- 


358 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


munity, Mrs. Winn,” he said. we were going to enter- 
tain some foreigner by a parade we’d have them out in 
full force, as they afford a good example of what a robust 
animal a man may become in this climate, under the 
most favorable circumstances of ^quiet leisure and serene 
contemplation of the heavens.’ ” 

^^Yes, Mr. Grassey,” I replied, agree with you, their 
services are limited; but you must not omit from the list 
of their qualifications their ability to offer the most im- 
pudence, in the shortest time and for the least provoca- 
tion, of any known agency.” 

We were talking thus on our way to a friend of James, 
who had served in the capacity of private detective all 
his life, as had his father and grandfather before him. 

We were fortunate in finding the man in, and without 
much delay we were driving as fast as we could to the 
scene of the abduction. The same policeman was at his 
post who spoke so insultingly to Mr. Grassey the previous 
night, and he scowled and muttered under his breath 
things that we had reason to believe were far from com- 
plimentary. He also endeavored, when our backs were 
turned, to intimidate and prevent any person we addressed 
giving us the information we asked for. But in spite of 
his malign influence, Mr. Bundy, our detective, found out 
enough to send us with all possible speed out on the 
Bloomingdale road, then on to St. Nicholas avenue, 
through Harlem, Tuckahoe and Eiverdale. Mr. Bundy 
sat on the box with the driver, while Mr. Grassey and 
I were inside the carriage. We had been through so 
much fatigue, and Mr. Bundy inspired us with so much 
confidence, that we gave ourselves up to the soporific in- 
fluence of the motion of the vehicle, and slept until roused 
at noon by our companion. He was in high spirits, as 
he felt sure we were on the right trail. 


359 


After the Kidnappers 

^^The hotel man’s wife told me, at the last stop we 
made/’ said Mr. Bundy, ^^that when no one was looking 
she went out to examine the queer conveyance a party had 
who passed there three hours before, and in it she discov- 
ered some one rolled carefully up, and either asleep or 
dead. She had not time to discover which it was when the 
one-eyed hag in attendance came out and said by way of ex- 
planation that the person was sick and they were carry- 
ing her to a hospital. The hotel man’s wife expressed sur- 
prise that so many hospitals had been passed, when the 
hag grew abusive and drove on.” 

^^God grant she may not be dead before we reach her !” 
I exclaimed fervently. 

^^Amen!” cried Mr. Grassey. 

Of a sudden it came over me that nothing had been 
done about giving Mr. Conrad, at the court room, par- 
ticulars of Agnes’s abduction, or even where her father 
was to be found. I had Just finished a comfortable meal, 
which a farmer’s wife had been kind enough to provide, 
when this conviction seized me. 

^^Oh, well, we will go to the nearest telegraph station 
and send word,” said Mr. Grassey. 

On inquiry we found that we must either return to 
Yonkers or travel ten miles further to accomplish this. 
But there was a flag station whence a return train might 
be taken to the city in fifteen minutes. 

We discussed anxiously whether it would be better for 
me to go on with the detective party, or return to look 
after the interests of Agnes and her father. Mr. Grassey 
thought if it were nothing but money which was at stake 
I had no need to be so anxious; but Mr. Bundy felt that 
the party we were after were nearly within our grasp, 
and my presence was not so indispensable there but that 
I could be spared to return, and further, that money was 


360 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


not a matter to be despised. Accordingly, in a very short 
time after the matter had come up to be discussed, I 
found myself on the cars waving an adieu to the detective 
and Mr. Grassey, the latter wearing a very downcast coun- 
tenance. On the train I bought several papers. They 
were morning and afternoon editions and contained no- 
tices of the affair in which I felt such a consuming in- 
terest. The heading in one was ^^The Freak of a Pretty 
Woman,^^ and Agnesis disappearance was represented as 
the capricious act of a pretty woman thirsting for noto- 
riety. Another one represented her as a young and beauti- 
ful adventuress, who had been instituting lengthy litiga- 
tion against two of New York’s eminently honest citizens, 
but who, when she perceived these measures were not 
likely to succeed, had concluded that flight was her best 
safeguard. 

^The same villain planned these notices who undertook 
Agnes’s abduction,” I said to myself, and the blackness 
of the crime made me grind my teeth and long to have 
the perpetrator brought to justice. In spite of all my 
efforts, it was three o’clock when I reached the court room. 
I gave my card to the orderly and asked that it be taken 
to Mr. Conrad immediately. He shook his head and 
said: 

^Tmpossible just now; there is a matter exciting the 
court and no interruptions will be allowed.” 

I was allowed to stand where I could hear what was 
going on, and I discovered that the excitement was caused 
by the question whether the case should go before the jury 
immediately, with the prejudicial influence of the mys- 
terious disappearance of both father and daughter to guide 
their decision to a certainly adverse issue, or whether it 
should wait over until something could be heard of the 
fugitives. I made two more efforts to get the orderly to 


361 


After the Kidnappers 

take something to Mr. Conrad for me, but all in vain. 
I was standing out in the corridor, wringing my hands in 
my agitation, when a bright-faced newsboy came up, and 
after offering me his papers, he said: 

^^Any er’nt you^d like to have me run, mum?” 

I looked at him sharply and my despair urged me to 
reply: 

^^Boy, can you run fast, and dodge?” 

^'Bet your life I can, n’youll hold my papers!” And 
the boy was all ready in a minute. 

The next time the door opened the orderly in charge 
felt something shoot through his legs like a cannon ball. 
By the time he had turned around to see what it could be 
my messenger was half way up to the judge’s bench. An- 
other orderly tried to head the boy off, but by a skillful 
dodge the orderly was sent head foremost on an empty 
bench, which turned over with a crash. I, standing with- 
out, was amazed at the uproar that ensued. The judge 
issued orders, the lawyers accused each other of under- 
handed dealings, and my boy, who had been captured, 
added spice to the whole by calling out: 

^‘Ouch, ouch, you hurt! Let go! Where’s Conrad? 
Oh, Conrad!” Then when I heard him ask, ^‘Be you 
Conrad for sartin?” my heart leaped for joy. 

I had to borrow the money to pay the boy, for I wanted 
him well paid. I gave him fifteen dollars, and as soon as 
that was done I was put on the witness stand. My testi- 
mony made a profound impression, and the jury did 
not go on duty that night. 

^^The case is ours and will be finished in two or three 
days !” exclaimed Mr. Conrad. ^‘Now we must be careful 
to secure the good will of the Californian firm who have 
worked the patent successfully in past years. They have 
just made a change in their agent to attend and watch 


362 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


the case. I understand the new man will arrive to-mor- 
row. Please name an hour when I can come to your 
rooms with him. There are a few preliminary matters 
we might discuss before we meet with Mr. Dearborn, 
though if your detective has been successful in his search 
for the daughter her presence would be desirable.^^ 

The following day at five at the club rooms was the 
time and place fixed upon when there would be the least 
liability of interruption, either from the young ladies or 
the girls. 


An Explosion of Temper 


363 


CHAPTEE XXXIV. 

AN INOPPORTUNE EXPLOSION OF TEMPER. 

There were several telegrams waiting my return from 
the court room. One was from the detective, Mr. Bundy, 
saying that they were still on the right track and thought 
it would not be long before their game would be bagged. 
Two others were from Mr. Grassey. In the first he asked 
me to telegraph when I could join them, and gave the 
name of the station they expected to reach by the time I 
could answer. Arriving at the station and not finding 
my telegram waiting he sent another, asking why I had 
not let him hear from me, and telling me that they had 
reason to believe their enemy had doubled on their tracks 
and I would better not try to join them till the morrow; 
but he named a station to which he wanted me to tele- 
graph. I was hastening out to send this word when I met 
Miss Hopper. 

have been here twice before to-day, and found you 
out both times, Mrs. Winn,^^ she said, drawing herself 
up haughtily, while her protruding blue eyes fiashed forth 
her displeasure. I told her if she would wait until my 
return from the telegraph station I would explain my 
absence. She was there when I returned, but I could 
see she was in the state of Vesuvius previous to an erup- 
tion. 

I began to rehearse the story of Agnes’s abduction, 
when she interrupted me with: 

^^Oh, yes, I have read all about that affair in the papers. 


364 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


You are very unwise to allow yourself to be mixed up 
in it, to say nothing of your remissness in leaving your 
post here, with all the work that has got to be done be- 
fore the bazaar opens. I have hitherto considered you a 
woman of too much conscience to be so neglectful.^^ 

Miss Leonora Bullwinkle, who had heard the conver- 
sation from the hall, broke in at this point, with her 
thick, spluttering utterance: 

‘^Yeth, and thereth my bundle I sthent dayth and dayth 
ago not even opened!’^ 

Young ladies,’^ I replied, my voice scarce above a 
whisper on account of my extreme fatigue, ‘^1 am too 
much used up to talk the matter over with you now. 
But I must say, it seems hardly the right time to talk 
about neglect of duty when a precious human life is at 
stake, and you feel you can in any way be the means of 
saving it, especially when that life is as dear as the young 
lady^s in question is to me.^^ Here I burst into tears. 

‘^Oh, well,^^ replied Miss Hopper, ^^all this distress 
comes to you because you have allowed your affections 
to be centered on an unworthy object. If you had con- 
fined your attention, as you should have done, to the 
duties of your position you would have been spared all 
this. But we will have to call a managers’ meeting to 
decide what the exigencies of the case require.” 

So saying she and Miss Bullwinkle withdrew. 

I had only time to compose myself and get a light 
supper when the girls of the club began to arrive. The 
first one to open the door was Mary Sharkey. 

^^Ah, dear Mrs. Winn, it bees turrible about that sweet 
young lady, ain’t it?” and seeing my swollen eyes and 
noticing my quivering lips her own eyes moistened with 
sympathetic tears. ^^Can’t I do nothing to help yez?” 
she asked. 


An Explosion of Temper 365 

I thanked her, but told her all was being done that 
could be thought of, for the present. 

started early so as to get here first before any of 
the others/^ she continued. had something to tell, 
but Fm afreerd yez’ll not be wantin’ to hear it?” 

shall always be glad to hear of anything good that 
happens to any of the dear girls whom I have met in con- 
nection with this club,” I answered. 

^“^Why, Mrs. Winn, are yez going to leave?” she asked, 
hardly know what my ^ans will be now, Mary. They 
are very unsettled.” 

^^If you are going, then I sha’n’t mind lavin’ myself 
replied the girl. ^^But the fact of it is, Mike and me’s 
decided to be jhned, and he made me promise, after our 
weddin’ day I’d never go to no more clubs. He’s a raal 
queer fellow, that Mike is! And he says his experience 
hast taught him to be mighty shy of all girls who call them- 
selves club girls. He says he don’t nowise think I have 
received much injury as yet, because as far as he could 
find out this club hadn’t gone fur to teech much of any- 
thing; leastways, not enough evenings running to amount 
to anything. But he thinks he is plucking me like a 
brand from the burning, and if I wuz let, there’s no know- 
ing how much harm ’ud come to me. He says he never ex- 
pects to be rich enough to cook the dishes you learns how 
to cook at clubs, and as fur dress makin’ and millinery, 
what good is it to learn them things, if at the same time 
you gain a taste for makin’ more dresses and bunnits than 
your husband can afford ?” 

^There’s a great deal of truth in Mike’s reasoning,” 
I answered, ^^and I hope, Mary, you will try and make 
him a good wife.” 

Further private conversation was impossible, as the 
girls came in in large numbers. Most of them had seen 


366 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


in the papers the accounts of Agnesis disappearance, and 
not one showed the slightest inclination to believe the 
prejudicial reports. Several came up to me and said: 

^^Mrs. Winn, some one told us the papers said as how 
it wuz a bold, bad huzzy as wuz taken off; but we know’d 
better. We know’d she wuz a sweet, pleasant-mannered 
person, for hadn^t we seen her? and there’s no use tell- 
ing us.” 

When Biddy O’Monahan and Maggie Flynn entered 
I saw at a glance that some disaster had overtaken their 
families. I took them into my room in order to hear 
their story and see if I could offer any consolation. 

^^Och, sure, dear Mrs. Winn, it’s turrible bad times 
as has got us now. Both our muthers had warnings to 
lave just before we came away from hdme this avening,” 
said Biddy, while Maggie was too much overcome by her 
tears to say anything. 

^^What !” I said, ‘Taave you not paid your rent ?” 

‘^No, not fur the past two months,” replied Biddy, hang- 
ing her head. 

^'Has there been sickness in either of your families?” 
I asked. 

^'No, mum,” replied Biddy. 

'‘Have any of you been out of work?” I further in- 
terrogated. 

"Ho, mum,” said Biddy. 

"Well, then, what has been the trouble? You seemed 
to be in very comfortable circumstances when I first visited 
you,” and I wore a very stem countenance. 

"Faith, thin, I am afther thinking it’s along of the 
yaller satin gown. You knows the fust time I wore 
that dress it were a turrible stormy evening, and it got 
a little m’yst (moist). I shouldn’t have minded that, 
if one of the young ladies had not been afther sayin’ as 


An Explosion of Temper 367 

how it weren’t bright-colored enough; so then I says to 
muther, guess I’ll have the dress dyed.’ She objected 
at fust, but whin she see I was dead set she lave off wid 
her objections, and I tuk the dress to a dye house. Me 
and Maggie wint afther it whin the toime wuz up fur it 
to be done. It didn’t suit me.” 

j ^^How could it,” exclaimed Maggie, tittering, ^^all laong 
of being such a dirthy, nasty color ! I told Biddy at the 
shop niver to pay fur the loikes of that, but she wouldn’t 
mind.” 

^^Yis, I knows; but thin I wuz a-thinkin’ Maggie wuz 
jealous-like, so I wudn’t noways be afther humoring her, 
and I wint straight to a shop and bought some splendid 
velveteen to trim it wid. Afther we got home we found, 
besides streaks on the front, there wuz that horrid tear 
right where no trimming could be put on to hide it, and I 
bust into tears and cried all night and all the next day. 
Thin me muther, along of her fright of me losing me 
eyesight, sid she’d buy the dress uf me to make up fur 
me younger sister. She did, and I tuk what she give, wid 
three months’ wage besides, and bought me a ^rattler’ 
fur Miss Dinny’s last ball.” 

^^And how cud I see Biddy all dressed out to kill, and 
me wid an old gownd on?” querulously asked Maggie. 

^^Well, girls,” I said sternly, ^^is it worth being turned 
out of your home for all this ?” 

^^No — 0 — 0 — 0 !” exclaimed both at once, while Maggie’s 
tears flowed afresh. 

^TTou think you would prefer a roof to shelter you rather 
than having silks and velvet, to walk the streets unpro- 
tected?” I asked. 

^^Yes — s — s — s — s,” they said. 

^^Well, then, I tell you what can be done. Both of you 
take your finery and raise what you can on it at a pawn- 


368 Three Fair Philanthropists 

shop, and then come to me and I will make np the re- 
mainder, and with a clean record you can start afresh. 
Perhaps you will have learned a lesson from this ex- 
perience that may be of benefit.^^ 

I spent a restless, disturbed night. I was going through 
with my experience of the previous night and day. Again 
and again I heard Mr. Grassey’s knockings and felt the 
sickening sensations that his news of Agnes’s cruel seizure 
caused me. If I fell into a troubled slumber it was to 
be rudely awakened by imagining myself falling out of 
the carriage that Mr. Grassey and the detective and myself 
were in for so many hours. 

The morning dawned and found me unrefreshed. I 
was feverishly longing for news from Mr. Grassey, and I 
did not have to wait long. The first telegram told of 
losing the trail and having to retrace their steps to where 
they knew with certainty the absconding party had been 
seen. The next telegram filled me with an undefined 
dread, from the evident desire to conceal something which 
had been found out. 

I think I must have gone crazy if I had not been 
obliged to fill my time full with making preparations to 
leave immediately after the meeting with Mr. Conrad 
and the Californian agent. I was obliged in consequence 
to find some one to take my place at the club. I sup- 
posed the managers’ meeting, that Miss Hopper spoke about 
calling, would be held about two o’clock, and I made 
it convenient to be absent in order to give them the free 
and undisturbed use of the rooms. My presence, I real- 
ized, would only be an embarrassment. There were 
calls to be made on sick club members and these, to- 
gether with some small purchases, filled the time until 
half-past four. I ardently hoped that the rooms would 
be empty on my return, but I realized when I reached the 


An Explosion of Temper 369 

foot of the stairs, from the commotion issuing through 
the closed doors, that such was not the case. In fact, 
I was puzzled at the noise. Not but that I had previous 
managers^ meetings to judge by, which, I reflected, had 
always been stormy affairs, but this went ahead of any- 
thing I ever heard before in the diversity of sounds, as 
well as their intensity. I stopped a few minutes with- 
out, but not wishing to be discovered in a position where 
I might be called an eavesdropper, and also feeling anxious 
that the room be cleared as soon as possible, I decided to 
enter. 

I found part of the noise the result of Miss Leonora 
Bullwinkle’s efforts to induce the man of Hebraic ex- 
traction to throw off a third of the sum charged for the 
Christmas gifts. 

^^Well, sthir, I have the money right here in my hand, 
and if you^ll sthign that rectheip you sthall have it at 
oncth,’^ she was saying. 

The man protested, with tears and groans and sighs, 
that he could not allow this; if he did, his son Yacob 
would be defrauded, his father and his grandfather be 
dishonored, and his great-grandfather would rise from his 
grave and point the finger of shame at him. 

The florist also was present, endeavoring to make ar- 
rangements with Miss Mettle for a weehly settlement of 
his dues, which were over a month behindhand in pay- 
ment. He had a task which required great tact and skill 
in performing, for the order was a desirable one, as under 
ordinary circumstances he was enabled to dispose to ad- 
vantage of flowers that were a trifle old and that other- 
wise would have to be thrown out. He did not want the 
order withdrawn, neither did he wish to supply it without 
a reasonable assurance of its being paid. 


370 Three Fair Philanthropists 

After arguing some time and coming to no decision, 
Miss Mettle sent him to her mother. 

Miss Bullwinkle exhausted her patience and her powers 
of oratory on the Jewish silversmith in trying to beat him 
down to her figure, but failing utterly both in that and 
in having him leave with the bill unsettled, she pulled 
out the entire sum and sent him off rejoicing. Then the 
hum of voices of those managers who were not interested 
either in the silversmith or the florist but were gathered 
around the pile of bundles sent to accommodate me with 
^^pleasant occupation’^ for a spare moment, increased in 
sound and emphasis. There seemed a variety of opinions 
on the subject, though each one was sure none of the 
others would have thought of sending her bundle if the 
suggestion had not been borrowed from a superior source. 
And now those bundles were there, what should be done 
with them? 

Miss Bounds remarked: 

don’t see what good there will be in leaving those 
bundles here. There are too many for Mrs. Winn to work 
them all. We would better take them home, and either 
work the designs ourselves, or else get some one else.” 

Miss Hopper and Miss Bullwinkle replied, Ho, indeed, 
they should do no such thing with their bundles, any- 
way. They had sent the materials more as an accommoda- 
tion or as a privilege, in order to furnish both Mrs. Winn 
and the club girls the means of showing a little gratitude, 
to say nothing of the inestimable advantage they might 
derive from learning to embroider all kinds of fancy- 
work. 

And some one remarked in support of this view that 
it certainly would be well for the girls to learn something , 
for as far as she could find out they had not accomplished 
anything in that direction up to date. 


An Explosion of Temper 371 

This infamous slander on their herculean efforts the 
three fair philanthropists proceeded to repudiate all to- 
gether, and with such warmth that the offerer of the re- 
mark left the room in tears. 

After this episode Miss Sounds remarked: 

^^Well, if none of the rest of you are going to take your 
work away to be done elsewhere I sha’n’t take mine. It 
has to be finished in four weeks and two days, as we have 
seen by consulting the calendar. Now supposing we con- 
sult Mrs. Winn and see if she thinks it possible to finish 
it by that time?” 

I could see that Miss Hopper tried her best to stop 
this move, as if she wished to insinuate that a salaried 
person was not to be consulted, but simply bidden. 

^^Young ladies,” I replied, after listening to an ex- 
planation of what was required in regard to the embroid- 
ery, ^fit will be impossible for me to undertake the work 
which you propose.” 

Miss Hopper asked ironically: 

^Terhaps it would be well for us to ask Mrs. Winn 
what work it tvould be possible for her to undertake. She 
seems to find it possible to absent herself from her post 
here most of the time.” 

This attack stirred me deeply, especially as I detected 
a movement in the hall which assured me that Mr. Conrad 
was standing outside, and it was a deep mortification to 
think he was hearing me addressed in such a heartless 
manner. The Californian agent was doubtless there, too, 
but I did not care so much for a stranger. 

Yesterday, Miss Hopper,” I replied indignantly, ^Vas 
the first day I have ever been away from these rooms, ex- 
cept when calling in the interest of the club, since my 
connection with the place. And yesterday I was working 
in the interest of one of your own club members/^ 


372 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


^^Were you engaged to work in the interest of our club 
members or for us?^^ asked Miss Hopper bitingly. 

There were a good many replies which sprang to my 
mind and which might be made to this sarcastic question 
of Miss Hopper^s, but I remained silent, and she con- 
tinued : 

^^You were engaged to work for us. By your silence you 
acknowledge the same, and when we decide that our in- 
terests will be served best by your embroidering for us, 
why then you are to embroider without a word.^^ 

‘^^Even whether I know how to embroider or not?’^ 
I asked. 

^^You can easily learn. A person who has given her- 
self all the superior airs and graces that you have since 
you have been with us ought not to find it difficult to ac- 
quire any art. Ha! ha! haP^ 

Miss Hopper laughed a hard, disagreeable laugh, while 
the gentlemen outside the door moVed uneasily, as if 
impatient at being made witnesses of the unpleasant 
scene. 

^^Young ladies,’^ I said, longing to terminate the in- 
terview at the earliest possible moment, ^fihere is no use 
in our wasting further words in this matter. It is true, 
as Miss Hopper has so delicately insinuated, that not know- 
ing how to embroider, I might learn, but that is some- 
thing I do not choose to do. I therefore prefer to hand 
in my resignation and let you find some one to fill my 
place who will be able to do everything you wish.^^ 

This was a very unexpected turn in affairs, and the 
managers, one and all, were deeply incensed at Miss 
Hopper because she had brought it about. Her obtuse 
conceit would not allow her to admit that any one was 
to blame except myself. She therefore began a recital of 
my shortcomings, which speedily became a series of abu- 


An Explosion of Temper 373 

sive invectives. In the midst of this the door into the 
hall was pushed further open, when I discovered that 
there was standing with Mr. Conrad no stranger, but 
my nephew ! His face was a picture of distress and con- 
sternation. Almost at the same instant that my eyes 
fell on my nephew Miss Hopper astonished us all by ex- 
claiming, while throwing up her arms as in a transport 
of joy: 

^^My dearest Harry! How unexpectedly delightful! 
But whether unexpected or not you are a thousand times 
welcome.” 

All eyes were turned toward the two men. The young 
lady managers and myself had reasons for suspecting that 
the younger man was the one Miss Hopper had been cor- 
responding with, and to whom she expected shortly to be 
married. 

^^Thanks for your welcome. Miss Hopper — Annie,” re- 
plied the young man, greatly embarrassed, ^d)ut I cannot 
tell you how I have been pained at being obliged to listen 
to your harsh words, for they have been directed against 
the dearest relative I have in the world, — my aunt.” 

Here he came over to where I stood and stooped down 
and kissed me. I was so overcome that I fainted. It 
was just as well that I did, for I was spared the further 
witnessing of a trying scene. I afterward learned that 
Miss Hopper endeavored to atone for her unhandsome 
treatment of me by apology and regrets, which my nephew 
accepted, although he refused to renew the old relations 
between them. Exasperated at this attitude of her would- 
be lover Miss Hopper proceeded to give him a specimen 
copy of her list of adjectives and opprobrious epithets, 
which caused him to rejoice that he had found out, before 
it was forever too late, the character of the woman he was 
intending to marry. 


374 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


CHAPTER XXXV. 

THE LAWYER AND THE CLERGYMAN AT VARIANCE. 

There was a peculiar sound heard on the gravel walk 
just outside the cloister. The hour was about eleven in 
the evening. It was the second day after the papers 
had reported the disappearance of the young and beauti- 
ful adventuress. A long and heavy box was lifted from an 
express wagon in a much more careful manner than that 
in which boxes are usually handled by men in that call- 
ing. Mr. Wormsley was on hand, and after ordering 
the box carried in at a lower back entrance, settled with 
the men and dismissed them. They had been told that 
the box contained a corpse, which was to have appropriate 
funeral services performed at the cloister and a burial from 
there on the following day. One of the men, being out 
of employment, asked if he might not come and assist at 
the burial, and could not understand why his offer was 
refused with such a tempest of oaths by Mr. Wormsley. 

That gentleman proceeded to unscrev/ the box, after 
he had admonished the one-eyed woman remaining with 
him to see that the men were well out of the way. The 
screws came out hard and the sweat stood on the man^s 
forehead as he worked over them. 

^^She’s been d quiet ever since she was put in here, 

though she was wild enough before that he exclaimed. 

^^Maybe she’s dead,” said the woman. 

wish she was!” ejaculated the man, with a terrible 
oath under his breath. Both man and woman were so 


Lawyer and Clergyman at Variance 375 

occupied that they did not hear the door swing noiselessly 
open and the form of Eector Dunraven glide in, holding 
a dark-lantern in his hand. 

^^Well, Wormsley, what does this mean?^^ asked the 
church dignitary. 

Wormsley tried to replace the cover as he replied: 

^W^hy, you gave me permission to bring this box here 
for storage. It^s only for a week and the man continued 
his efforts at readjusting the cover. But before he could 
get the first screw in place there was a perceptible rising 
of the boards, accompanied by a groan. 

^^Open that cover this minute and let me see what you 
have in that box!” commanded the rector. 

Wormsley felt in his hip pocket for his pistol as he 
stood undecided what to do, but he was not quick enough. 
The rector had out a bright silver weapon aimed right 
at his lawyer^s heart. 

^^Hands up, you villain, or I’ll shoot you like a dog.” 

The lawyer’s reply was to throw up his arms and 
whine for mercy. 

The woman now took hold and opened the box. Did 
ever chest contain more valuable treasure ? Youth, beauty, 
the outward precious casket of a still more precious im- 
mortal soul. 

The rector was speechless with amazement when he 
recognized the features of the girl and realized what a crime 
his lawyer had committed. 

^Tt had to be done,” replied the lawyer in answer to 
the expression; ^^and if it had not been for the cussed 
stupidity of Grout there might something decent come 
of it. But she’s not dead. Didn’t you hear her groan 
a minute ago?” continued the lawyer. 

^^So much the less easy to dispose of her,” returned his 
companion grimly. 


376 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


Wormsley’s reply was to place his pistol’s mouth over 
the region of the girl’s heart and say: 

^‘That is a defect that can be easily remedied. If 
yon say so she can soon be.” And sinking his voice to 
a whisper and throwing a black look at the one-eyed woman 
who stood with her back to them : ^^It would only take two 
to dispose of them both.” 

Unconsciously, as he had been speaking, his pistol had 
pressed on the half-conscious form and the pressure roused 
the girl. She started up suddenly, her beautiful hair 
falling in waves around her, the color coming to her 
cheeks and her large brown eyes opening in terror. 

‘^Where am I?” she asked, as she glanced at the stone 
walls, the low ceiling, and then at the long, coffin-like box 
in which she was. ^^Were you going to kill me? Why 
hesitate a moment?” she continued passionately. am 
ready to go. Heaven contains nearly all my dear ones 
except my blessed father, and he would soon join us.” 

^AVho said anything about killing you!” exclaimed 
Wormsley roughly. ‘‘You’ve been sick and we are kind 
enough to look after you and try to get you to a hos- 
pital, to be paid in suspicions that we are after your 
life.” 

“Oh, excuse me,” cried the girl, the various sleeping 
draughts which had been given her making her ideas con- 
fused. “I don’t mean to be ungrateful and I do feel 
ill.” Then rousing herself, she asked, “Do they take all 
the people in coffins to the hospital to which you are carry- 
ing me?” 

“Yes, mostly,” returned Wormsley. “How what you 
want to do is to remain quiet while me and my partner 
here go and make arrangements for moving on.” 
Wormsley waved his hand to where the rector stood, but 
he had vanished. 


Lawyer and Clergyman at Variance 377 

^^Are you not going to leave me a light?” asked the 
girl. 

But Wormsley replied that he hadn’t any to leave; that 
she must be satisfied with the company of the woman. 

‘^Jane/’ cried Agnes in a whisper, as the dampness to- 
gether with the dark seemed to make a thick pall around 
them, ^^are you there?” 

be,” replied the one-eyed woman, ^Vhat’ll you 
have?” 

thought that second man looked very much like 
some one I’d seen before. Do you know him, Jane?” 

‘^1 think I’ve hearn him spoke about,” replied the wo- 
man. 

^^I think he’s a minister and that I’ve seen him at the 
club,” said Agnes; ^^perhaps he’ll help us get rid of that 
other awful bad man.” 

^‘Don’t you trust him, miss; to my way of thinking, 
one on ’em is just as bad as t’other. Have you that card 
writ on?” 

^^No, Jane, I haven’t been able to get hold of a scrap 
of coal or a burnt match or anything to mark it with.” 
Then, after a pause, ^‘Were you able to drop pieces of my 
dress along the way, Jane?” 

^^Yes, quite a number.” 

All the conversation between these two had to be carried 
on in a whisper, else they feared separation; for Jane 
had been won over — ^by Agnes’s pitiful gentleness in her 
forlorn condition — from a cruel, hard indifference to 
the misery she had helped to cause, to a state where it 
became her one absorbing desire to undo, if possible, some 
of the evils that she saw was the result of her bad ways. 
It was very ticklish business, for if Wormsley or any of the 
men he employed had suspected her of the change she 
would have been immediately discharged. Consequently 


378 Three Fair Philanthropists 

they maintained an unbroken silence if any one was 
near. 

As soon as the rector and Mr. Wormsley had reached 
the upper part of the building, which was still unoccu- 
pied save by a deaf woman who acted as janitress until 
the finishing touches should be given and the place filled 
with cloisterettes, they engaged in an animated conversa- 
tion, which we shall better understand after a few explan- 
tory notes. 

Mere chance had brought the rector to this building 
so late in the evening. ' ^^Chance’^ do we call it? It 
would be nearer the truth to call it Providence. But 
we are such short-sighted, shallow-pated creatures, we 
prefer to view events superficially and apply to them the 
term that such a glance suggests. 

The rector had been experiencing the truth of the 
adage that it is more easy to get a favor from fortune 
than to keep it. He had often ruminated on what he 
should do if there should ever come a change, and the 
popular favor, which we have shown had set in such 
high tide toward him, should recede. He was a man who 
had too exalted an opinion of himself to really ever ex- 
pect that such a change could come to 7u‘m, but, alas, 
he had to admit that something bearing an exceedingly 
close resemblance to an ebb was even now upon him. 

The day after the reception given to announce his en- 
gagement to Miss Mettle there were only three persons at 
his confessional. Two of these were his fiancee and her 
jubilant mother, who came there, if the truth must be 
known, more to talk over and hear what others had to 
say about the engagement than because their religious 
natures demanded absolution for sin. The third was an 
Irish woman, somewhat the worse for liquor, who grew 
abusive when he denied her request for ^Ten cints for car- 


Lawyer and Clergyman at Variance 379 

fare to get her to Brooklyn to see her sick mother.’’ The 
dust began to collect in the chancel, on the altar railing, 
on the altar steps, on the communion table and the very 
altar itself. Silence reigned where formerly animated 
discussions had been carried on as to how far certain young 
ladies’ boundaries extended, limiting their scrubbing opera- 
tions. The rector heard the rustle of feminine drapery one 
morning in the corridor, and thinking one of the young 
ladies had come to resume her labors, stepped out to 
speak to her. She appeared very much embarrassed, and 
he soon found out she had simply come to remove the 
loose gown she had been in the habit of slipping over her 
street dress to protect it. He smiled grimly as he called 
to mind how interested that person had formerly shown 
herself in the doctrines. 

She had been so excited over the fact that she had no 
settled theory of the inspiration of the Scriptures that she 
had felt it necessary to engage in long and tearful con- 
versations with him at every possible opportunity, and 
when these opportunities did not occur often enough she 
supplemented them with numberless tear-stained epistles. 

The rector wondered if Miss Hevins would be also 
changed. He was not long left in doubt, for she met 
him on the street and it seemed to have slipped her mind 
that she had ever known him, until the last minute, when 
a dim recollection appeared to visit her that he was some 
one she had seen before, and she gave him a correspond- 
ingly cordial nod. The prospect was not very encouraging. 
He yet owed Wormsley half of the amount he had promised 
him for his services. That very afternoon he had applied 
for the thirty per cent, interest on the sum the Working 
Girls’ Club had borrowed from him. At the club rooms 
he had come across certain members of the executive 
committee, who promised him half of the proceeds of 


380 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


the great bazaar. This was not altogether satisfactory, 
for there is something terribly uncertain about the pro- 
ceeds of any affair of that kind. Finally he had gone to 
the home of his fiancee to see what advice or consolation 
he could receive there. 

Miss Mettle was not in, but her mother was, and she 
was glad to see her prospective son-in-law alone a few 
minutes. She began in her effusive manner: 

^‘My dear Augustus Mortimer, or Mortimer Augustus — 
I never can remember which it is, and I donT suppose it 
really makes any difference; by the way, how would you 
like to be called Gussie or Gusty, or Morty? Oh, but of 
course we would not think of calling you that after you 
became bishop ! — ^but, as I was saying, my dear Augustus 
Mortimer, I am very glad to see you and to see you alone. 
It seems to me, however, that you do not look very well.” 

Her prospective son-in-law replied that he did not feel 
well, he was so over-burdened with care and anxiety. 

^^Ah, yes, poor man !” Mrs. Mettle resumed, “I can see 
you need some one to share your burdens with you. It 
is written somewhere, either in Homer or Virgil, I think, 
that fit is not good for man to live alone,^ and how true 
that is! Why, I shudder to think what Tuftus would 
have become without me,” and so on, until the rector did 
not know he should have a chance to say anything more 
that afternoon. But thanks to a fit of coughing he was 
enabled to revert to the interest the club owed him. 

^^Ah, it is a burning shame, poor man ! Do they owe you 
that amount yet? Well, now, let me see; what can I 
advise you to do!” After a few minutes of thought, 
‘^What do you say to capturing their president? Then 
you’d be even with them. The club has your money ; you 
return by taking their president. Then you would have 
the president’s bank account to depend on, her mother’s 


Lawyer and Clergyman at Variance 381 

bank account to expect a trifle from once in a while, to 
say nothing of her father's occasional blessing in the 
shape of bank checks.” 

That was all the remedy which the rector could get 
for his ills out of his doting mother-in-law. No matter 
in what shape he presented his troubles she met him at 
every turn with this one all-powerful panacea. 

^^When would you advise me to perpetrate this act of 
violence on the club?” the rector at length asked in sheer 
desperation. 

‘^Two weeks from day after to-morrow,” Mrs. Mettle 
replied promptly. 

The rector thought a few minutes, then replied 
grimly : 

^^So be it; two weeks from day after to-morrow.” 

‘^Oh^ dearest Augustus Mortimer, stoop down and let 
me imprint a mother's fond kiss on your forehead.” 

The rector stooped dutifully and had not only the 
kiss, but Mrs. Mettle's short, fat arms flew around his 
neck and nearly severed his jugular vein by their ardent 
embrace. After getting out to the sidewalk he could 
scarcely realize that he was the man whose wedding day 
»was fixed for two weeks from day after to-morrow. 

‘Tt was not necessary,” so he reflected as he pursued 
his homeward way, ‘Tor a man marrying into a family 
of the Mettles' wealth to have much money, but he would 
like to have enough to pay for engraving the wedding 
cards.” After thinking over various schemes for rais- 
ing this amount he decided to return one or two of the 
gifts made to the cloister. Several of them came from 
a firm who did engraving, and if he could get the articles 
down to his house in the evening it would be an easy 
matter to reach the store with them from there. That 
was the errand which brought the rector to the cloister 


382 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


in time to hear the noise of the approach of the express 
wagon, and having his curiousity excited by the lateness 
of the hour and the evident attempt at secrecy, he ap- 
peared as has been shown. He was the first to break 
the silence. 

^^So you haven’t any more decency about you than 
to ask me, under the innocent request of storage-room 
for a week, to be the sharer of some of your infamous 
crimes !” 

There was no more attempt at keeping up appearances 
between them. 

^^There is no infamous crime about iti” returned the 
lawyer. ^That girl has committed an indiscretion, and 
I undertook at the request of her parents and friends ” 

^^How there is no use of your finishing that tale. I 
know you are lying to me! I have seen the girl at the 
club rooms on Fifth Avenue, and I know she is the .one 
the papers have been mentioning as having been forcibly 
abducted. What I am going to do is to ring up the police 
and claim the reward they have offered for your ap- 
prehension 

^^You can’t do that, by Jove! without implicating your- 
self !” exclaimed the lawyer stoutly. “You will have your 
story to tell and I’ll have mine. They both will be vastly 
entertaining matter.” 

“But you forget that there will be this difference be- 
tween them: Mine will be believed, because I am a clergy- 
man; and the man has yet to be born who expects to 
hear truth from a lawyer.” 

As the rector spoke he advanced slowly toward the 
telephone. When he had his hand on the knob the law- 
yer was a pitiful sight. He dropped on his knees and 
tears came from his eyes and marked their pathway down 
his grimy cheeks by lighter colored lines. He begged and 


Lawyer and Clergyman at Variance 383 

implored his companion to give him time, but not a muscle 
of the rector’s face relaxed until he began to offer money. 
And even then his hand did not release its hold of the 
telephone until the lawyer produced some bank notes 
and gold coin. This caused the rector to pause and come 
to an agreement to allow the girl to be kept in the build- 
ing until the following evening. 


384 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


CHAPTER XXXVI. 

THE LOST ON'E FOUND. 

Kecovering from my faint I insisted on transacting 
the business for which Mr. Conrad and my nephew had 
come. It seemed almost too good to be true that my 
dear nephew was the agent for the California firm who 
would have so much to do in the future with the making 
of the fortune of the girl who had grown so dear to me. 
Then the joy this thought afforded me would be sud- 
denly dissipated by the uncertainty of that dear girFs 
whereabouts. 

While we were in the midst of our consultations a 
telegram arrived from Mr. Crassey, asking me to meet 
him, as soon as it was dusk, at the corner of an uptown 
street. Mr. Conrad and my nephew decided it would 
be well for them to be of the party and also to take three 
strong men to be ^^'^iitioned within call. 

I shall never forget that evening. The day had been an 
exceptionally fine one, and at the hour when we naturally 
expected dusk, the moon, being at the full, rose with 
such brightness that we could hardly realize that the day 
had closed and night had begun. Not wishing to ex- 
cite suspicion we concluded to arrive singly at the place 
designated in the telegram. I went first and found Mr. 
Grassey pacing back and forth in a highly excited state. 

"'Have you had reason to believe she has been brought 
back to the city?"" I asked, after our greetings. 

"Yes, all there is left of her,"" he answered. 


The Lost One Found 


385 


^^What! Yon have not heard anything that made you 
think she was dead, have you?^^ I asked, stopping in our 
walk to support myself. 

Mr. Grassey’s answer was a melancholy shake of his 
head as he said: 

^^We traced the ambulance up to a distance of twenty 
miles above the place where you left us; then we dis- 
covered that after that point, though the ambulance was 
sent on and on, it was empty. Consequently we came back 
to where we could be sure that some one had seen an 
occupant in the ambulance, and by the merest chance 
we came across another person who had seen a box shaped 
like the rough outer receptacle to a coffin driven toward 
the city in an express wagon. We have traced that wagon 
by certain pieces of woolen cloth found along the road- 
side. Have you some of them, Bundy asked Mr. 
Grassey, as we overtook the detective in a carriage. 

We stopped while the pieces were produced, and I could 
not have had more overpowering emotions if touched by 
a phantom hand from the spirit land as I beheld pieces of 
a dress which I had often seen Agnes wear. 

^Gt’s been some ways now since weVe found a piece,^^ 
said the detective. 

But just at that moment my eyes, eagerly scanning 
the roadway, discovered something over on one side near 
the gutter. Picking it up I stood spellbound as I real- 
ized that I held in my hand another piece of my darling’s 
dress. We were on the right track so far, but the avenue 
branched olf in two directions just here and, waiting a 
moment to consider the question of dividing our forces 
so as to have both ways followed, we were joined by Mr. 
Conrad and my nephew. Mr. Grassey and Mr. Conrad 
had a whispered conversation, at the close of which I 
hear Mr. Grassey say; 


386 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


I ever set eyes on Grout again 111 put a bullet 
through him as sure as my name’s Grassey !” 

We had separated and pursued our different paths but 
a short distance when there came the report of two pistol 
shots, which made the party at a distance seek an ex- 
planation by joining those whom they had left. We 
found that Mr. Grassey and the detective had been walk- 
ing slowly and watchfully along until they came to the 
entrance of a peculiar building. A cab going at a furious 
rate was passing, when the gentleman within with an 
oath asked the driver why he was such a blockhead as 
not to know the right place when he got to it. 

One glance was sufficient to reveal the evening dress, 
with the flashing diamond studs, of K. Eoundout Grout. 
That gentleman recognized Grassey as soon as Grassey 
did him, and in vain tried to countermand his order to 
his cab driver to drive in at the entrance by urging him 
to continue. 

Mr. Bundy said before he knew what was being done 
Mr. Grassey was at the cab window and the two men were 
firing point-blank at each other. When we arrived on 
the scene the;y were being borne up the steps of the pecu- 
liar building, Mr. Grassey shot through the left shoulder 
and Mr. Grout in the right groin. 

Mr. Grassey was very weak from loss of blood when 
I bent over him, but he whispered eagerly: 

is in this house, I know. Don’t let anything be 
taken out without searching.” 

Bundy was dispatched to keep a watch on the outside 
of the building and we soon heard his warning whistle 
calling for aid. He had discovered an apparently innocent 
load of wood about to be driven out of the grounds. 

He said afterward he came very near letting the 
team pass, and perhaps he would have done so, if several 


The Lost One Found 


387 


of the sticks of wood had not tumbled off, when near him, 
revealing the presence of a box beneath, which he thought 
had better be examined. 

The driver paid no attention to the detective’s command 
to halt, except to give his horses a sharp touch with his 
whip. My nephew, however, was brought on the scene 
by the warning whistle and, taking in the situation at a 
glance, made a dash for the horses’ heads. The horses 
reared and plunged as their driver rained down blows upon 
them, and upon the one who interfered with their on- 
ward progress. But horses and driver found they had to 
deal with no puny force in the arm raised against them. 

‘‘Young man, gentlemen,” exclaimed a voice, as the 
detective, my nephew and their sympathizers were gath- 
ered around the team and its bound driver, who lay 
cursing and swearing by the roadside and who was none 
other than the lawyer, Wormsley, “I do not understand 
why you detain this load of merchandise and fuel which 
this poor man, unable to move in the day time on account 
of his necessary toil, is conveying to his new quarters. 
This person you have so cruelly bound was for a time 
janitor of this building; but he has found other em- 
ployment where his remuneration is to be greater, and 
hence his taking his effects as you see.” It was the rector 
who spoke. 

A wave of shame swept over the group and they said 
they felt as though they had been caught in -an act of 
theft. Some one unbound the man and he was in the 
act of leaping on the wagon when my nephew put his 
hand upon him and said: 

“Not so fast, my man. We must first see what is in 
that box underneath the wood there.” 

“Can’t you take my word as a clergyman that it con- 
tains household goods and v/hat not, that it would be 


388 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


perfectly right for yon to see, but which, if you consume 
the time to unpack, this poor man will be unable to con- 
vey to his destination in time to resume work on the 
morrow,^^ answered Eector Mortimer Augustus Dunraven, 
his thin ungainly figure stretching up to such a height 
in the moonlight as to give him the air of a priest of the 
black art. 

‘Tor God’s sake, search that box !” came in an agonized 
groan from the porch where Mr. Grassey was lying, being 
attended by only myself in the intense excitement over 
the stopping of the team. 

All hesitation vanished. One of the men we had 
brought stepped to the horses’ heads. Mr. Bundy and my 
nephew lifted the box upon the ground while Mr. Con- 
rad proceeded to rebind Mr. Wormsley. Who would at- 
tempt to describe our sensations as, the cover being re- 
moved, we beheld the beautiful form of Agnes Dear- 
born ! 

“Mrs. Winn, support me,” cried Kipp Grassey piteously; 
“I must go down there and see if she lives.” 

“Dear fellow,” I said, as he leaned heavily and yet could 
scarcely totter over the ground, “I fear you will make your 
wound bleed afresh.” 

“Don’t talk of such trifles as wounds when she is to 
be served, Mrs. Winn,” panted the sufferer. “Oh, merci- 
ful Father in Heaven ! It looks as though we had come 
too late!” 

The moonlight fell on Agnes’s lovely features and gave 
them a cold, deathlike hue. 

“Don’t let go of me, Mrs. Winn; I feel such a black- 
ness coming over me.” 

“Ko, no, dear boy, I am holding you,” I cried, while 
the tears flowed down my cheeks in spite of my effort to 


The Lost One Found 


389 


control them. My nephew came to my assistance and 
Mr. Grassey said, when he felt his strong arm: 

^That’s right, Mrs. Winn; hold me fast. You have 
been a comfort to me. You have been the only one to 
whom I could talk of her. And, oh, .Mrs. Winn, you 
know without my telling you that the only part of my 
life when I can say I truly lived was after — was after — 
oh, you know when 

^^There, there,^’ I murmured as I would to a baby, 
'^don’t talk any more.^^ 

^^But I must talk, Mrs. Winn. I must tell you that 
I went down the next day after she accused me of being 
so cruel, and made my will. You know I have no family 
except James. I made a will and left everything, ex- 
cept an annuity to James, to her, to try and prove to 
her that I was not as bad as she thought me. And now, 
Mrs. Winn, she will not know the truth until we meet in 
heaven. But a few words will make it all right there, 
Mrs. Winn 

^‘Yes, my dear boy, there will be no misunderstandings 
for us to shed tears over in heaven, blessed be the name 
of the Lordr 

^^And, Mrs. Winn, I should never have gone there if 
the wonderful love which was sent into my heart for her 
had not reminded me of God and what I owed Him 
for the love He had shown me in the gift of His Son 
to die for my sins. So I am at peace — at peace.” 

^^We must lay him on the ground and do something to 
stop his wound from bleeding,” I whispered to my nephew, 
as I looked at the shoulder he was leaning upon and saw 
the fresh blood. 

We were roused from our efforts in Mr. Grasse/s be- 
half by smothered exclamations of delight, and looking 
around we saw Agnes sitting up. 


390 Three Fair Philanthropists 

^^Mr. Grassey, dear boy, you have saved her!’^ I cried. 
His eyes opened and rested upon me a moment with a 
far-away expression, and then he shook his head sadly: 

^^No, no, I have not saved her,’’ he said, ^^but she 
and the grace of God have saved me,” and he was dead. 


Farewell to All 


391 


CHAPTER XXXVII. 

FAREWELL TO ALL. 

His holiness the rector of the chapel of the Holy Ma- 
donna in Heaven had no words of consolation to offer to 
Kipp Grassey, dying ; he did not even consider it necessary 
to suggest patience to the ^‘former janitor/^ in whose wel- 
fare he previously expressed such deep interest and who lay 
cursing and swearing in his bonds in the porch of the 
building devoted to the highly philanthropic purpose of 
turning out cloisterettes. 

The deep-voiced ex-congressman, the Honorable K. 
Roundout Grout, made the night air hideous with his 
groans and lamentations; and although the ecclesiastic 
could not be expected to sympathize with the fate of a 
man whose stupidity, added to his baseness, had brought 
such trouble, yet there were a good many remarks that 
might have been made relative to the ex-congressman’s 
reaping the just reward of his evil deeds. 

But the rector said and did none of these things. He 
simply vanished, and that, too, with such expedition that, 
if the events occurring at the same time had not served 
to absorb the interest of his companions, they would have 
been reminded of a dissolving view. The investigation 
which he felt sure would follow that evening’s proceedings 
was something he dreaded. He therefore bethought him 
of a midnight express which he determined to take. But 
first he wished to go to his home and destroy some papers 
in his desk, in order not to leave behind him a record of 


392 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


crooked dealings that might make persons prejudiced 
against him feel like searching the round globe over to 
bring him to justice, or bring justice to him. 

When he reached his grey stone manse, the time was 
limited before the leaving of his train. The lights, shin- 
ing brightly, assured him that Johannah was faithfully at 
her post. He wished that it might have been her evening 
off duty. He hesitated as to v/hat explanation he should 
make to her of his contemplated actions, and peering in the 
windows he saw she was fast asleep. He cautiously opened 
the front door, and sounds showing that Johannah’s slum- 
ber had converted her nose into a temporary wind instru- 
ment emitting an unusual volume of sound, made her 
master conclude not to rouse the sleeper, but go to his room 
and pack his valise with as great caution and speed as 
possible. 

He had torn up and burned several papers, and placed 
others, together with what clothing he felt necessary, in 
his bag, when he happened to think of still other documents 
which were hidden in the altar (or folding bed). It was 
the work of a moment to pull this open and secure the 
papers, but before he had time to replace it he heard 
Johannah’s footstep on the stair. It seemed that other 
things might be moved without arousing her, but when 
this object of veneration, over which she kept such a jealous 
and almost fierce watch, was stirred, although it was done 
ever so carefully, the mysterious power of mind over mat- 
ter caused her to awaken with a start. 

Ever since her experience with the law3^er, Wormsley, 
v/hen she had caught him laying sacrilegious hands on 
the altar and had walked him off so promptly, she had 
been haunted by the idea that he would return to do it 
damage some day if she did not exercise great vigilance. 
Consequently this evening, as soon as her consciousness 


Farewell to All 


393 


was fully restored, she felt impelled to go first of all to 
the shrine before which she had poured so many tears and 
prayers. There was no light in the room, as the rector 
had turned off the one he had been using, and his valise 
lay behind a big armchair; hence Johannah breathed a 
deep sigh of relief to find the lofty outline of the altar 
unbroken and, in the dim light which came from the 
hall, everything seemed untouched. The contrast was 
so great from the picture her imaginations had many times 
brought up before her of the black-eyed, greasy-haired 
man flourishing an ax, by the means of which he was 
destroying not only the altar but everything around it, 
that she advanced to her accustomed place and fell on 
her knees. 

As she did so she was impressed with a feeling that 
the altar was not as upright as usual, and this impression 
was strengthened when she received a bump on arising 
from her prostration. Both for this reason and be- 
cause her eyes had become more accustomed to the dim- 
ness of the light she looked sharply about her and, lo 
and behold, at one side of the venerated structure there 
was a man’s leg sticking out. 

The reader must be told that the rector thinking it the 
easiest way out of his difficulty, when he heard his serving- 
woman coming, endeavored to hide himself by drawing 
his folding-bed up into the form of an altar with him- 
self inside. The perfect success of this undertaking was 
interfered with by his not being quick enough to draw 
in one leg and its being caught in a most uncomfortable, 
not to say painful, position. The only one who could 
own such a dastardly limb, according to Johannah’s be- 
lief, was the evil looking lawyer. She had probably in- 
terrupted him in his work of destruction. What good 
angel had led her to the spot so opportunely! 


394 


Three Fair Philanthropists 


^^You monster of uncleanness and all iniquity!” she 
said, as she pinched the leg and stuck pins in it, ^^you 
dragon! this is what you get for trying to violate the 
sacred place of my saintly master, his holiness the rector 
of the Chapel of the Holy Madonna in Heaven.” 

As groans came from within Johannah’s fury seemed 
to be increased. 

^^Base reptile!” she cried, snatching the shoe from the 
foot at the end of the now limp leg, am of a mind to 
break each toe ” 

“Johannah, Johannah!” The rector spoke in his most 
authoritative tones, his fear lest the threat just uttered 
be carried out lending strength to his voice. 

The woman sank down on her knees in her distress and 
agitation. 

^^That sounds like the tones of my saintly master’s 
voice; but it must be a case of the devil assuming the 
garb of an angel of light.” 

Johannah was prevented from returning to her former 
persecutions by commands from within to take hold of the 
altar at a certain place and bear down with all her might. 
Against her will, but because she had always obeyed that 
voice, the woman complied. The revelations which fol- 
lowed were of such a startling and overpowering nature 
that she dropped senseless to the floor. 

forgive the woman the ill she did me,” exclaimed his 
holiness, limping around to complete his preparations for 
departure, ‘flhough I believe she stuck those pins in clear 
to the bone. I wonder who she thought I was? She 
talked as though I was some one she had been expecting. 
As I go out I will ring the bell for the other servant to 
come down and minister to her necessities. It would 
doubtless be undesirable for her to see me on her first 
return to consciousness.” 


Farewell to All 


395 


The rector did as he suggested and reached his train 
in time to jump on the last car as it was slowly moving 
out of the station. He disappears from our story at 
the same time that he disappears from the scenes herein 
described, though there may be some who will be in- 
terested to know that he has attained great celebrity at 
the head of an austere and holy brotherhood in an 
adjacent country. 

As for Johannah the events of that evening made a 
profound impression upon her mind. She entered the 
service of a Quaker lady and embraced the views of her 
mistress with as much ardor as she previously did those 
of her saintly master the rector, etc., etc. The mere 
sight of a cross produces a nervous shock, so great is her 
aversion to those signs and symbols of which she formerly 
made use so freely. Every once in a while she has long 
talks with her mistress about the desirability of start- 
ing a mission for the deluded, erring members of society 
who believe in making the sign of the cross, who go to 
confessional and keep fast and saint^s days, who pray 
to the Virgin and believe in the elevation of the Host 
and who yet are not Roman Catholics. 

^^Ma’am,” she earnestly asked one day, ‘^don’t you think 
it ^ud be possible, if a person worked hard night and day, 
to place the matter in such a light that they’d either 
be willin’ to go to the Roman Catholic church, where they 
belong, or else become good Protestants? They’re ab- 
solutely no good as they be!” 

The news of the rector’s midnight departure affected 
Mrs. Mettle very disastrously. She actually took to her 
bed. But her family was not as alarmed by that symp- 
tom as they were by the fact that she asked to have the 
Bible read to her. This was a volume, as our friends 
have seen, with which she was but little acquainted. 


396 Three Fair Philanthropists 

When, therefore, her husband, sitting by her bedside, asked 
her what chapter she wanted read, she could name none. 
He took a Bible, however, and turned the leaves over 
listlessly, reading a verse here and there; finally he came 
across and read aloud this passage: 

^^Tor in the resurrection they neither marry nor are 
given in marriage^ 

^^Oh, Tuftus V’ exclaimed Mrs. Mettle, catching hold of 
her husband’s arm with a fervid grasp, ^^read that again !” 

Her husband did so and she repeated after him: 

^Neither marry nor are given in marriage.’ That’s 
the most blessed description of heaven that could possibly 
be written. There could not be a more convincing proof, 
to my mind, of the authenticity of the Scriptures. 
'Neither marry, nor are given in marriage.’ Oh, Tuftus, 
I am ready for such a place, I am sure I am. Where is 
Ray? Call her to receive her mother’s parting bless- 
ing.” 

"Why, my dear wife, the doctors never thought you 
were so ill as that,” returned her husband, burying his 
face in his hands and sobbing aloud. 

"And has she gone out?” asked Mrs. Mettle. 

"Yes, my dear, she has gone to an oratorio with Mr. 
Peck.” 

"But, Tuftus,” Mrs. Mettle continued, in a tone of 
voice quite different from that to be expected from a 
person near her end, "Mr. Peck is a widower with four 
children !” 

"I know it, my dear ; but I have been so anxious about 
you that if he had had fourteen it would have been all 
the same.” 

A physician who could prescribe a tonic which would act 
with the efficiency and promptitude that that simple an- 
nouncement did on Mrs. Mettle would find himself re- 


Farewell to All 


397 


ferred to as a leader in his profession, besides having his 
doors besieged by those needing to be ^‘toned up.” 

widower with four children, and Tuftus no more 
care than to allow it!” Mrs. Mettle kept saying to her- 
self. 

She felt it was a matter for which everything must be 
set aside, even going to that blessed place where there 
was ‘^no marrying or giving in marriage.” For though 
she sighed for rest from the struggle she did not want to 
secure it by such ignominious terms as a widower and 
four children! 

The story of her valiant exertions to prevent the actual 
occurrence of this untoward event is too long to give 
here. The result of those exertions, alas, was failure — 
failure as complete and signal as had attended all her 
previous efforts in regard to her daughter from her fif- 
teenth year up. 

In spite of pleadings and importunities her daughter 
married the widower with the four children and is now 
Mrs. Peck. But the author is glad to be able to add that 
after her daughters marriage Mrs. Mettle became so fond 
of the formerly despised four children^ that, although she 
does not actually attempt to palm them off as her daugh- 
ter’s progeny, she never refers to their being ‘^step-chil- 
dren,” nor cautions them against hurting their little 
“half brother,” a baby boy for whose existence her daugh- 
ter is more nearly responsible. 

Now it remains for us to hear a few parting words 
from Mrs. Winn, and she says: 

“Kind readers, in closing I wish to thank you for 
your considerate attention to my part of this humble 
tale. I feel that I have taxed your powers of sympathy 
and condolence to the utmost in relating the many un- 
happy experiences through which I was called to pass. 


398 Three Fair Philanthropists 

I am glad that what remains to he told will only call forth 
expressions of congratulation. 

^'Kipp Grassey was laid to rest beside his father and 
mother in Greenwood. His man, James, constituted him- 
self nurse and attendant upon Mr. Dearborn. The wish 
of my heart — to see my nephew happily married — ^has 
been fulfilled in the way above all others most pleasing 
to me, by his marrying Agnes. We make a happy house- 
hold on the Pacific coast — Agnes, her father, his atten- 
dant, my nephew and myself. 

Among my most valued correspondents is Mrs. Elijah 
Bowman (formerly Mrs. Thatcher). She attended the 
bazaar the young lady managers hoped to reap so much 
benefit from, in aid of their Working Girls^ Club — hopes, 
alas, doomed to utter destruction. All of those articles 
which had been brought to me to embroider had been 
taken elsewhere; but the time allowed for the execu- 
tion had been so limited and the work so ill done, that 
the managers were obliged to buy the articles them- 
selves and pay the extortionate prices they had affixed to 
them. The only alternative was to borrow money to 
pay the expenses of the bazaar. Their credit was an 
insurmountable barrier to that course of procedure. 

^Tyirs. Bowman always has a great deal to tell me of 
the prosperity of that object dear to her own and her 
husband’s heart — the Mission. Its pathway is not one 
of uncheckered sunshine, by any means, hut through all 
kinds of vicissitudes, by the unostentatious character of 
its benefactor it proves to the world: 

***None shall rule hut the hunihle, 

And none hut Toil shall have.*** 


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